Realizations & Old Friends

So some things for today. I'll start with the realizations that then do the old friends. End on a chipper note as it were.

First realization. You ever think to yourself, "I am too attached to this thing. Could I make it without it?" You tell yourself of course and then go on about your business using that thing endlessly without fail. Then one day this thing is no longer there. You miss it. You mourn it. You think about a new one. But then you get used to not having it. Turns out you can actually function without it. At least for a time. But the day comes when you realize "I really am in serious need of this thing. It has been this long and I had the space that I could go without. But now I am in desperate need on lots of fronts."

Have you had that trail of conversations with yourself. Maybe not. Maybe I should stop talking to myself. Maybe I'm a little weird.

Anyway, I am at that crossroads on the back end. I really need a new laptop. So many things are on pause without it. Its starting to effect things that need attention. I have websites to design. Music to write. Images to work on. Business plans to complete. Design work to do. Its really starting to come to a head. So that is what I need to figure out this Christmas. Can I find the money to get myself a new laptop. A Mac Laptop. I may be able to do one of those small Dells that I can convert to a Mac. I don't know if I can run Photoshop on it though because of the screen resolution requirements. But I really need something so I can get caught up on all these projects at hand. Lots to do. I gladly will accept any help anyone is willing or able to offer.

The second realization is not so much. It's a consistent thought. My job makes me borderline psychotic. There are little jabs daily that are like needles in my spine everyday. It's really far beyond the lifespan that I should have been here. I think I probably need to start getting prayed off everyday after I leave work. It sets my heart up so badly everyday. I try to choose well and struggle through all the time. Try to shut off frustration and pride, comparison. Constantly asking Jesus for the strength. Like not just a day to day basis. Often times hour to hour. Time to start my business. Time to attack this thing head on. The laptop will help me finish my business plan and get things rolling.

On that same thought, I think I am gonna start shooting portraits again. Start going out with people and doing some pieces to build my photography portfolio. I have some thoughts lined up to do recording work and even video and graphic design stuff to start building those portfolios too. Pray for the drive. I can easily choose tiredness and laziness in free time when I need to choose to do the work to make this dream come true.

So old friends. I got to have lunch with my friend Stuart, his wife, and his family. I haven't seen Stu in almost 2 years I believe. He is in the air force and is right now stationed near Seattle. Today was his birthday so I got to go spend lunch at Chick Fil-a with them. Also my friend Chad who I haven't seen in quite some time and Brandon. It was awesome getting to spend a couple hours with them. Catching up on how everyone was doing. Joking around like it hasn't been years since we've seen each other but rather days. It was great.

It was also fun to see my heart change in the middle of it. Got to talk about the Uprising and what Jesus is doing at Quest and how I love getting to be a part of it. Got to experience seeing old friends and their wives and hearing about what they are getting to do without at all feeling comparison and jealousy. One friend just had his first kid on Monday. One owns a nice house with his wife. Stuart has a great lovely wife who wanted to get some of his old friends together to celebrate him and interacted with us like she was a part of our high school days all along. And on top of that Stuart flies all over the world literally in a giant airplane that he has space to play Frisbee in. How awesome is that. And I feel no bit of "what about me?" I feel nothing but joy at getting to see my friends. Thankfulness for the life Jesus is letting me lead. Anticipation and eagerness for the future. I mean flying over the polar ice caps on a trip back from 3 days in Germany is pretty sweet. Getting to do what I do is just as amazing. Love it.

And fact. I miss my friends. Stuart especially. Forgot how much that guy meant to me. How much his friendship mattered for all those years and still does. I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with real class acts like Stuart Fraser. Happy 29th my friend.

Lessons From A First Date

Okay I am gonna write this. Since tonight I have date #2, seems like a decent time. Before I start, let me just say that the voting numbers are very close on my poll. Seems the masses are split on whether I should get my braids back or not. More than just the 11 voters on here have weighed in verbally. Very down the middle on this one. Okay onto the blog at hand.

Lessons From A First Date

Now this is the first time I have been out with someone in this capacity since my split 3 years ago. There have been platonic things, not dates that could have been, awkward here we are type moments. But this is the first intentional, i am interested in you so I will ask you out, date that I have been on. So here we go. In no particular order.

Lesson #1 Having A Plan
Now guys, we are supposed to put these things together. At least the first few. I think the more you get into them the more you can plan together and things like that. But this first one is ours. Let me go ahead and tell residents of Lexington, KY. Winter after 9 o' clock is not easy to work with. After that clock strikes 9 in Lexington, the only things that are open are restaurants and bars and some coffee shops but I was really folding that into the restaurant. Things that would possibly be great options of fun things to do are all of a sudden closed or it is too cold for. But I also am not sure if a big activity is a requirement for a first date. I mean I wanted to get to know her. Obviously no movies guys. No matter how much you like John Cusack as an actor you don't want to get to know his end of the world escaping character. You want to know her. But is just going to dinner okay? Throwing darts or playing pool or something at a bar seems very much like buddy buddy activities. Sure might be fun but how much do you get to know someone from watching them throw a dart. So the lesson here? It's not easy. Be creative or be lucky. Me I think I got a little lucky. We both had early early mornings the next day. So simple was an option. And it's good to not over complicate things. I had fun getting to just talk with her. And that takes me to...

Lesson #2 Interviewing Skills
This sounds like a not great thing. Sounds formal and like it would make for a bad date. But lets be honest. Unless you have been super close friends with this person for a long time, it is probably more likely that there is a ton you don't know about them. And it's all stuff you want to know. Or at least it is stuff you should want to know in the long run. So yeah, there is a lot of question and answer. There is really very little way around it. I know it may seem like a formality, but I am pretty sure I wanted to know about her family. I want to know her likes and dislikes. So quit with trying to make smooth one liners to impress and be you and learn her.

Lesson #3 The Hoopty
Cars... points of pride for a lot of guys. Myself included. Driving a bad car is somehow a shot at our manhood. Same thing happened at my senior prom in high school. I couldn't go to the prom in my 1985 Honda Accord. That would be embarrassing. Now I had the added excuse this time of the next morning I was gonna be carting people and gear to our Frankfort campus for church. So I borrowed my mom's Trailblazer. It used to be my Trailblazer. I miss driving it. But that isn't the point. The point is that I had the added advantage of going on my date in a nice car. Here comes the kicker. Date number 2 tonight will be in my 1992 Toyota Camry. Will it explode? I hope not. Will it rattle kind of weird cause there is something wrong with it? Most assuredly. Is it a wreck inside and I desperately need to clean it out? Most definitely. But there is no real way around it. It is my car and sooner or later if we get to go on more dates, my clunker of a car was gonna be on display. So be it. Suck it up. It's just a car. Someday I will have something better and right now this is what I got so I will suck it up.

Lesson #4 Lulls in the Conversation
You don't have to fill the silence with idol nonsense but you try to avoid awkward silence. Those that are too long. I think we did a pretty good job. Conversation moved on pretty well. Learned a lot. I think there is only one instance when I drew a blank and that takes me to...

Lesson #5 People Have a Way of Making Things Weird
By this I mean people you know or who know you. Now I knew I wasn't gonna see any of my friends or family at Buddy's on a Saturday night. I was unprepared for the awkward waitress. Someone who supposedly knows my family and thereby knows me from afar. By the time she came by the table the 4th time to, as it seems, just chat, I was completely confused, a little scared I was being stalked, and utterly out of words for a little bit. I really don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe, be prepared for anything. But how in the world do you prepare for a weird girl saying she knows your mom and went swimming with her this summer and that my mom is gonna love that she saw me out on my date. Then to talk to my mom the next day and my mom have never heard this girl's name was a bit creepy. But my mom is really bad with names. But this girl made it sound like they were close pals who hung out all the time. My mom does know her but not to the extent this girl eluded to. This left me feeling awkward to say the least which is..

Lesson #6 Awkward Moments are Inevitable
Avoid them as you might and try your best to steer clear of them. They will happen. I don't care how smooth you are. How much game you got. I don't think there is anyway around at least one awkward moment. One in particular is almost completely unavoidable. I am sure there are ways but I don't know them. Shout out right here to Mary Margaret. Not only did she get to witness this awkward moment, she got to dog me about it the next day. And agrees it is unavoidable. What is this unavoidable moment? Walking your date to the door when the date is over. The only way you avoid trying to figure out what this looks like is if you go the jerk route and don't walk her to the door. Chivalry is not dead guys. Do it. But the porch on a first date is all kinds of weird. Here is why. What do you do to end the time? What do the different options mean? I'm pretty sure if she shakes your hand you aren't getting a second date. Well to throw back some dogging at Mary, hand shakes aren't awkward at all right? :) Okay so no hand shakes. How do you hug then? The wrong hug, as discussed in a much earlier blog, can send all kinds of messages between girls and guys. Do you "X-Hug", "Over Under". I have no idea really. Just don't do the "Ass Out Hug." It's weird looking and odd. Just a simple hug will suffice. I guess if you are really ballsy on a first date you will go with the Hitch tactic. Go 90 let her come the other 10. If you don't know what I am talking about, go watch Hitch with Will Smith. It's good. Oh and if you think the way to avoid things being awkward is to discuss how things are going to happen, that is false. It is actually counter intuitive. Makes things more awkward. :) Also, I am not sure on this but here is what I think. Do not enter their house without being invited. No matter how long the pause at the door. Supposedly, I was clear to come in for a little bit but it seems rude to me to come in without being invited. Respectful. So even though it was a bit strange for a minute, I would do the same later.

So anyway. I am sure there are more lessons I learned. More things I will learn. I'm glad I get to go out with her again.

Still in Awe

Man, good stuff keeps coming. Its been a great couple weeks. Just having a really great time trusting Jesus. Loving Him. Letting Him love me. Being exposed to stuff that gets to be rooted out of my flawed character. Getting to move forward in so many ways. Indescribable. But I want to focus down.

1st let me start with some huge news. I got a letter in the mail the other day. If I understood the legal ramifications and wording, I think something that would have cost me almost $20,000 has been dropped. There is lots of stuff still on the table from the financial downfall that divorce creates. One was the house that I owned. It was foreclosed on and there was a second mortgage on it that the foreclosure didnt even begin to touch. Well I hadnt heard word of anything in quite some time. Only to receive this letter saying that at the advice of legal council charges have been dropped. Scary on one level that I didnt even know I was being sued. But Hallelujah, that is a huge chunk of money that was just forgiven. That't huge. That is a huge marker of Jesus' good favor to me recently.

Secondly, and much more fun than that last one, for those who don't know, I got to go on a date last weekend. It was a lot of fun just getting to really talk to her one on one and spend some time with her. I learned a lot about her and a lot about something I dont think I had ever really had a real one of before. First dates. All new to me on many levels. Turns out you can show interest in someone and go on dates and get to know each other without being thrown into the relationship zone. Novel.

Now I am considering writing another blog. The title would be "Things I learned on My First Date". Not about her but in general. Still trying to decide whether I should or not. That might be something I write and save for down the road a little bit. Could be pretty funny. Turns out it's okay to tell a girl that you like that you are a huge dork. Even to explain why goes better than one might expect. :)

Anyway, we will see if I write this thing. I'm enjoying that I get to spend time with this girl. (I say girl cause woman isnt really in my vocabulary. sounds weird in my head and saying chick is disrespectful. :) ) We get to go out again next week.

Massive subject switch. My hair. I miss my braids. I kind of want them back. I know Pete and Sharon are pushing for it. Pete especially. It would take so much effort to do. I want to and not sure I want to put in the time growing it out and finding the right person to do them and all that. But we shall see. I am putting up a poll on the side of this blog. Yes to the braids or No. Vote.

That's all for now.

The Holidays

So this year's holiday season is shaping up to be very different than most of mine have been in my life. Most have been bad. Laden with bad news and broken hearts and just all around not great things.

Thus far, Jesus has seen it fit to bless me and my family a lot already. I don't know what it is. He just has really been showing me a lot of favor recently and things that I refuse to just pass off as coincidence or a good year. He really is blessing my family in some areas that have long been unsteady.

I don't want to go into detail on here. Some of you know all the stuff that has been going on. Some of you know a few of the things that have been going on. Some of you know nothing. You can ask me in person if you are so inclined to do so. Or shoot me a message on facebook or email or something if you are at a long distance and you want to know. But in the greater internet land area, I am keeping it close to the chest. Let His work really go to the deep places in me. I just really needed to write something.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't think I am jinxing myself by verbalizing that good things are happening. I'm not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm just soaking this stuff in. Yeah there are a few more circumstantial pieces that need attention. But I am not about to complain or be greedy. His grace and goodness and timing are quite sufficient for me. He will deal with the other things in His own time if he so chooses to bless me those ways.

Me not locking down during Christmas. That could be a novel concept.

What In The World

This has been a ridiculous couple weeks. I am in awe of Jesus for what He can do in a stubborn jackass such as myself. I'm gettting to believe Him in really new ways over the last few weeks. I'm getting to lay myself down and in turn believe the real things about myself. Agreeing with the surgery He has been doing in a new way has changed me a lot. I am hearing differently. I am responding differently. I'm asking differently. I'm leading differently. I'm wanting differently. It makes little sense to me, cause it isnt about me. I take no credit for "being a better person". He is making me into the real man of God that I am intended to be and I am so freaking grateful right now.

Over the last couple weeks I have watched Him do some crazy things. Things that are circumstantial in my life but He is so much telling me He has even the menial circumstances in my life under control. He has gifts just waiting for me. All it took was my agreement. He has great things for my hurting family. Ways that He wants to undeservedly lavish my brothers and parents with love. Who knows what He wants to do. And I love that I get to respond this way. To things that arent even finished but are still just in process and I love getting to respond with gratitude before anything is even done. I don't even know how things will play out and I am still so grateful. I'm still in awe. I'm in awe of the change in my heart.

I'm not gonna go into details. But man there is a lot of possibility on my plate that I am really excited about. Lots of different types of questions I get to ask. Lots of accountability I get to lean into. Lots of serving that I get to own in new ways. Exciting stuff.

Is It Time?

Something about this week has a different air around it. Like something is about to explode. All this anticipation that has kept me up at night for the last 6 months feels about ready to hit the fan. In a good way. Like something is about to happen.

I have been in this holding pattern for months now. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what was about to happen and wanting it to happen and come quickly and it just wasn't. Over the last several weeks I think I had settled into it. Like it was the new operating system. This week just changed something for some reason. Today, apart from being ridiculously sleepy, I am amped about something. Like this is gonna be a different month, a different season.

Jesus, am I finally asking the right questions? Or did I finally ask them in the right way? It feels like you want to answer some this week. Maybe lots.

I will be brief with my look back on this week.

So I emailed Justin asking him for his help and prayer in figuring out some things and moving forward on some stuff. Within 3 days the following has happened and Justin and I haven't even been able to talk yet.

1. I get a call for a job interview at LCA and had it this morning. Not sure if I will get a call back or get offered the job but it was definitely a wake up call from Jesus to an end of Him telling me He has me. Like I can really trust Him to provide the right job.

2. I have lunch with my Dad and we somehow get into talking about callings. I get to have one of the best conversations I have ever had with Him. He may not have said it distinctly but I think my Dad is actually really proud of me. And maybe even supportive of me starting a music based business like I have in the works. That's nuts.

3. Pete delivers this radically great talk about The Church and The Uprising. Not only did it set something different in my heart that led to a good interview this morning in weird ways, but I think I get to ask big for The Uprising conference. I don't know what that means quite yet. But I think Jesus has asked me to ask for as big a roll as the lead team is able to give me and that I get to say yes to whatever that might be and I get to do it well and not be a dual person like I was with my last entrustment. I get to run this one right from the start whatever it is.

4. I get to have a small but meaningful Matthew 18 with a good friend. I got to apologize even if there was no wrong doing. I mean for me to apologize just for even the inclination of something is new for me. It was the most clean I have ever felt. I don't remember any wrong doing and I still got to humbly say I was sorry for if it was hurtful in anyway. Who the heck am I? I mean, it wasn't hard to do. I didn't have to work through it to get to a place of just saying I was sorry. Just weeks ago, I probably would have been pissed at even the notion I did something wrong knowing I didn't. And for some reason I got to just lay me aside and apologize?!?! It's amazing that Jesus can begin breaking walls down that you didn't even know were on the horizon. That is not puffing me up and saying "look how humble I can be." I take no credit for it. I am in a bit of shock about it. All credit to Jesus for letting me remove the filter and not be critical or even today think negatively about the situation at all. It's kind of miraculous.

5. I actually started asking if TSR was gonna be a possibility again. The prospect is hopeful. The person I most thought would probably not be interested, showed some interest. Turns out assuming the best and being hopeful are valuable and don't always lead to disappointment. Who knew. :)

Anyway, that's all just been in about 3 or 4 days. More to come for sure as things really start to get really solidified.

On a much lighter note, man I am looking forward to this week. It's a pretty chill week. I think I get to have some other fun lunches and talks with a couple different leaders this week. I get to hang out Thursday (or Saturday. Not sure what the final landing was) with some people that I am really growing to love having around and getting to be friends with. You know who you are and I know you all read this regularly. So shout out without names to you. Looking forward to it. I also am looking forward to just some fun things. Some hobby stuff. Some little creative projects. Some new ideas. I just feel good this week. What can I say?

I think I will take a nap this evening after work though. I'm tired for sure. Completely random comment coming. My Dad thinks I have Sleep Apnea I fell asleep on their couch yesterday afternoon and he said my breathing patterns were a good sign of it. Turns out it is a hereditary thing as well and my Mom has it. That would also explain why I never feel rested even when I sleep for a long time. Cause I never get into a real sleep cycle. Anyway, that's just a side note. Not really worried about it.

Let's get this week rolling. :)

Part 2

So while the last one was kind of broad and maybe a bit confusing, I want to parcel out some specific points that directly pertain to me and what I have been yearning for.

There are 2 that I mentioned about Jesus knowing how my heart feels. I think I am gonna talk about 1 of them. The other may be too vulnerable to get into here and is hard to talk about without specifics and specifics don't need to be shared with the blog reading world.

So this is gonna focus on music. I miss playing a lot. I mean a lot a lot. It's grown increasingly more so over the last few months. Playing at church is great. It's not refueling. It's not the end for me. Now that we are more in a rhythm, my roll there has lessened quite a bit so I don't connect to it as well. It was different when it was sparse on people and it was me and Matt Garner being weekend warriors. On for weeks and weeks at a time. I loved it and it so isn't the case anymore.

It's hard to explain that one in some ways. Saying I want a larger roll on stage sounds like I want to be seen more often or I think there needs to be more of me up there. Not at all what I am saying. Truth is stages are weirdly homes for me. It strange. I am never more self conscious than when I am on stage, but also never more connected to the heart of Jesus. Playing like that is so my heart. Being out on stage is so me and Jesus. Even when thousands of people are in a room. I have played a show to 1 audience member and still had the time of my life. It's not about being seen or heard. Or at least that I am seen or heard. It's something else that I haven't been able to put my exact finger on. There is just my own world that I enter in to. I think it is one He always let me enter into with Him, even before I really knew Him. It used to just be a venting zone. I would write my lyrics and scream them out and whether anyone listened or not, He heard me.

It's changed since I gave my life to Him. He still lets me vent but He has me worship too. And you would think in a church would be the exact right place for that right? Well yes and no. It's different in church. Playing other people's music is different. Playing someone else's songs is not the same for a writer. It is in a lot of ways formulaic and confining. I mean even in my own band if we covered a song, we made it our own. The Swift Retreat was working on a couple different covers before we pulled the plug. Thriller by Michael Jackson and Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. We were experimenting with how beats went, how we were gonna recreate important parts without synths and such. It was a blast.

It is so rare we experiment with stuff at church. Performed songs are pretty much done note for note. We study the song to get things exactly right. We try to mimic every part even if we know there is no way the artist can reproduce some of it live without having 15 vocalist on stage. I am not knocking the artistry that goes into that. We have greatly talented musicians. Anyerin's solo on Beat it was freaking amazing. Locking in on some of the more difficult drum parts always impresses me when Chris does them. Chris Hall and Mike Parrott killing Kirk Franklin bass lines which are not easy. That's amazing stuff.

I miss writing and creating and crafting together from scratch. I miss getting on stage and entering into a my zone with Jesus and with the guys the He blessed me with to play with. That was what the Swift Retreat was. Us crafting something together and playing together and being original together. That is a massive loss in my heart right now. It has been for quite some time. I think I have felt like asking for it back is either irresponsible or selfish or something along those lines. Like I would be intruding on the others guys lives if I were to ask if that was something we could pick up again. Like I would be pissing them off in some way. Insecurity at it's best.

I think I need to ask or I need to find an outlet for that. Maybe it means I just do my own solo project. Hard to do when you don't have any real way to record. I have some stuff I have been working on but I don't have any real way to put all the parts I have in my head together into one cohesive form. And then I lose it if it sits too long. My number 1 creative outlet is on a unwanted and seemingly complicated stand still. That's probably why it seems like I am always starting these random creative often nerdy projects. The shirt thing being the most prevalent. And they all end up not being completed cause they aren't really what I want to be doing.

So what do I do? Time to really ask Jesus about it. Ask Him for the means to do something. Ask Him for the words and the chords. Ask Him for the people if they are supposed to exist. Ask Him for the stage if I'm supposed to be on it. I can't go on the way I have been. I really need Him to start refueling me and I need to let Him do it. And there are just some ways He has already revealed that are Him in me that I need Him to craft out. Music being one of them.

The thing about being alone at a wedding I am not gonna go in to. Save to say this. All guys hate going to weddings. Truth. Going by yourself and being surrounded by couples... worse. I am so glad there aren't any others I need to attend for a little bit. Becky I love you. I am glad I got to see you and Zach tie the knot and I hope you have years and years of happy life together. Now for a much needed respite. :)

No Real Title

Okay. I have 2 blogs I want to write today. Not sure I will get to one of them. It may have to wait till tomorrow but we will see how busy I am here at work today. But I want to write this one first. This one is about this weekends message that Sharon brought at church. Man did I need to hear it and I loved hearing someone I know loves me a lot and who I love a lot be the one to teach on it.

How well do I do in living in the truth that God made me to love me. You know what, as much as I have grown in it in the last few months, it fluctuates to much. My circumstances have had a tendency to throw me around and unsettle me. It's retarded I know, and I am starting to get to much more settled spot. It helps when I am not choosing to look at me all the time. My foundation has been so weak for so long. It is taking time to rebuild it in me. So glad it is getting more solid.

We discussed the voices that we let play in our head at life group last night. Mine are too numerous to list here. They have always been so loud and drowned out the voice of God. Slowly but surely they are starting to get quieter. Or at least He has let me recognize more when they are talking to me and I am getting quicker at refuting them and choosing Him. It's not a natural response though. I want to be in a place where it is just a natural response to not be in my own head listening to past voices or my own voices. Where His is so clear in my ear that it is not work all the time to come back to center. Granted over the last couple months it has moved from taking weeks to get it to maybe hours. Or a couple days. And it is still work.

The work in some ways over the last few months has shown on me. In not great ways. Whether it just be a sense of heaviness on me or my lack or really being around in a lot of ways. Not fully being engaged or connected or fully able to get my head and heart around things. I've been putting this stuff together after Justin had the foresight to call me out on it. I knew things weren't feeling right but hadn't really wanted to spend any time with it. It was probably easier to just leave. But the past week and a half or so I've been trying to look closer at it.

Several things occur to me. The overarching thing I think is a feeling of a loss of myself in someways. Yes it sounds selfish but that's not the point or idea. It's weird the more I gave up me and what I wanted and what I may have needed at times, the more I focused on me and what I wasn't getting and then turned it around to what everyone else was getting. It was a weird dichotomy of selfless self. Not selfless in a good way of giving of yourself freely and really being selfless. I think it was giving up of stuff out of obligation and people pleasing. My time was not my own not cause I really made it so and was in a heart place to say that fully, but because that is what I thought I had to do. Either out of bending to other people's will or cause it was a point of "this is how I will be accepted." It's made me tired.

I was realizing last week, I miss my old life. That's weird in so many ways. I don't need to go back. But I was missing the freedom of my choice I guess. To do something cause I really wanted to and really was connected to it. The fun of getting to go out. The way that being at a concert all the time was so refueling to me. Playing music that I got to write and really craft and not just playing a guitar in something I really have very little invested in.

I let my tank go empty. I haven't been listening to Jesus' voice saying well done in any way. Or telling me He loves me. I've just been doing. I haven't been refueling at all. I have even given up the things I know refuel me in an effort to look selfless I guess. Playing music that I got to write, so refueling, so close to my heart. So not happening. I gave it up. I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. But didn't let Jesus give me a back up plan for how He was gonna fill that void for me. I just gave it up and assumed it would be filled somehow. And in the meantime just told people "oh yeah I love getting to play at church." I do, but it isn't a refueling station to my heart.

I have people around a lot just for the sake of having people around. I know I have a tendency to isolate, but I am realizing I can even accomplish that in a crowd. I don't ask for specific time with people I know have a direct connect to my heart and can really refuel me in the right ways. I'm just a face in the crowd even when I am being involved and cracking jokes and all that. In my head I am still sitting in a corner alone.

None of this is good. I'm asking Jesus for the right steps to take. I just started putting some of this together today and over the weekend. I was around people almost all weekend and still felt outside of things. Disconnected. It's like I have lost a real connection with people somewhere along the line. Lost a real connection with myself and who I am and who I am being made to be. Lost a real connection to who Jesus says I am.

That was reforged in words yesterday. Clear words that went straight to my heart. Dug straight into whatever protective wall I had started putting back up again because the surgery that has been done in me has been hurting and has been hard. It has seemed endless and I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I guess I did and it took being called out of it. Last week by Justin and yesterday from words Sharon said that I hope people didn't miss. Words that should mark everyone of us to the core. Words I want placed on me somewhere so I never forget.

"Something is worth whatever someone is willing to pay for it." God deemed me worth the death of His son on a cross. WHAT?!? In that one act He said "Jon, you are so worthy and loved and someone I want to be with that I will pay with my own child's life to buy you back." That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You know what, how in the world do I forget that? That's the biggest thing I heard the day I gave my life to Jesus. It's words He spoke so clearly to me through the people I was standing in that circle with and He spoke directly to me with His own words and He wrapped me up. How do I forget those words?

That reorients everything. That changes everything. Everything I thought I needed to sacrifice to be worthy. Bunk. Everything I thought I had to do to please Him and please my leaders. Bunk. Every selfish choice I made or selfish word I spoke. Bunk. Every distrustful thought I had. Every time I chose to refute words that were spoken to me or think I deserved something. Bunk. He bled and died so I could be with Him. Everything else is idiotic.

Truth of the matter is that He wants me to be in community with Him and He made me a certain way. He knows just how my heart ticks. He knows that every time I listen to a band I like, my heart yearns to be playing. He knows every time I sit through a wedding alone, my heart feels alone. He knows every time I step on stage at church that I am battling performance and separating playing a concert with really worshipping Him. (I'm actually quite thankful for our new stage. Its so big it is hard to see people or hear them in our ear buds so all I can do is enter into my own state of worship with Him. There are tons of people in the room and cause of that separation, its just me and Him.) He's knows me better than I know myself. So I want even more Him to tell me what I should be doing. I want my filter ripped down. I don't want to process through every word that is ever spoken to me and put my own light on it to make sure of whether I am gonna listen or not. And He knows how I tick. I can listen to Him and not say yes to the things I don't need to. I have said yes out of a fear of what if I say no and someone else gets something down the road instead of me. I've said yes to things I know I didn't need to or that I didn't go to Him with. Now I feel stuck in things. That's bad. Had I gone to Him first, maybe I would have heard, "hey, I have something better for you than this one."

I want to have ears like that. Ears that hear His voice in things. Not ones that I am creating. I want to listen for Him in the middle of things. This is especially on rolls I am in or serving points and such. When a leader tells me to pray about something, I probably really should. Not just say yes. I don't want to filter out that leader and say "well you aren't Jesus so I will check on it." Obviously He speaks through them and asks are made of me through my leaders. But I'm Jesus has words He tries to speak directly to me in there and I have blanketly said yes to something that He could have had a different answer for. What if I was supposed to say "that doesn't sound right for me but I would really love to be in process with you on what that next step is."

Okay this is really long and I don't know that I have explained myself really well. This reads with contradictory points. Sounding selfish at points and not about me at others. I realize that. I am starting to come to the conclusion though that it's not selfish to be in the places you know are for you and to say no to ones that you know aren't. And I want Jesus defining that for me instead of just giving up myself into spots that are not for me. That's where I lost myself and I lost Jesus' picture of me. So in saying I want to regain myself. I want to regain Jesus' picture of me and what He really has in store for me. Not sure how that looks at the moment, but when I am on that right page, then I will be serving in the right spirit and not letting my tank get low and getting selfish and all about me. Hard to be about myself when I am living in His love and know that I am right where He wants me cause those places will always be where I want to be so I will forget about me in it and just be able to do it. Man, I just confused myself a little bit. :)

Perry Noble - Smart Man

So I have written a lot of really serious blogs over the past little while. I have had the inspiration to write something a little more light hearted today. And its completely retarded and dumb and rehashes something from an earlier blog.

So I was reading some of Perry Noble's blog today. A much wiser man than myself. It happened to be one on dudes manning up in relationships. Now many of you may remember me at some point along the way saying it was okay for a girl to ask out a guy. Many have disagreed with this statement and try to argue with me on it on numerous occasions. I want to make myself clear. I didn't say SHOULD. I merely said I think its okay.

Now Mr. Noble probably whole heartedly disagrees with me. And at the same time I whole heartedly agree with his post. It took me a second to reconcile to my own but I don't feel conflicted in saying both things. While I think there are innocent acceptable ways for a female to make her interests known, I do believe men need to man up. It is our job to "lead". It is on us to really step up. Not because society says so. Screw society. Society will have you believe a lot of stupid crap.

No people, God's word states it is the male that will lead in his household. Society would have you believe that is sexist. "Why cant the man stay home and take care of the kids while the woman goes and earns a living." Who the hell said that that has anything to do with who is really a spiritual leader in the house? I would love to have kids and get to spend all day investing in them and really leading them to Jesus. Sounds like still being a leader in my house to me. But that's not the point.

Guys, step up. If you want to scrap the leader business let just go with the chivalrous route. Please don't make chivalry a dead art form. It is alive and well and you should be able to own it. So a girl ask you to go out with them sometime. Step up and take responsibility for that date. You make plans and really make an effort to sweep her off her feet. Do not play the "she asked me so she should plan it" card. That is a deuchebags card.

Here is the honest deal. I would love to be asked out. Not cause I am a wuss and want to skip out on all the work. It would just be different. And I can guarantee you that I would take the initiative and plan and all that and not leave it on her to set up everything. Deuchebag.

And that is not a call up by any means for some girl to ask me out. That is not what I am saying at all. I am not setting this up so that some random chick reads this and ask me out. Not the case. It is just an opinion. I don't think it steals the leadership. I still think if a man is going to wuss out on leading, he was gonna do that whether the girl asked him first or not. I also don't think it steals from how loved and taken care of and valued the girl can feel. That is as the man steps up. No ladies don't go chasing him. But is it really a loss of dignity to say "hey i am interested in you and would like to get to know you"? I'll let you decide. But if you do do that and he replies with "Sure whatever. Set something up." DEUCHEBAG. Scrap the whole idea. His response should be nothing less than "I would love to. How about Friday. I would love to take you out. What do you think of FancySchmancy Restaurant. They have really good food."

I will add this. This is where my theory may run into trouble. But it is once again based on the level of guy you asked out. Say the date goes great. He was a total gentleman. Treated you like a lady. Really took the initiative on the date. Picked a great place he knew you would love. Came up with creative options and didn't take you to a crappy movie. Fantastic. It seems that he has stepped up. At the end of the night or somewhere in the process as time allows, He should still be stepping up. Don't ask him a second time. By this time the "I just didnt know" is now null and void. He knows you were at least interested for a first. Let him come after you for a second. Don't pine and all that for a second. If he still wont take the initiative this second time. Either A. He didnt enjoy the date and doesnt want a second. And in this case he better not tell you he will call you. or B. He really is a deuchebag who was hiding in sheeps clothing on the date hoping to get "something" out of the night and really is assuming you will ask him again and boost his ego.

Step back now and let him come to you.

These are not hard fast rules. I think if you are gonna choose a side that what Mr. Noble says is really the way to go. I fully believe guys should step up. I fully plan on that being my MO. I am not waiting for someone to ask me out. I will take my own cues and be a man and do what I need to do. I was never ever saying that it should be a hard rule that girls need to take the initiative. Maybe slightly bucking the trend that it was not allowable and that it goes in the face of leadership and pursuit and all that. But I completely agree that men need to be men. Yeah it kind of sucks always having the possibility of a no lingering in front of you. And its really okay. The worst she can say is no. I mean I am secure in Jesus and believe what He says is true about me. A no isnt going to tear me down. Even a "no, ew thats gross" wont tear me down. It will just sting a bit more. :)

So men, man up. Girls its still your choice. And still choose to be pursued as a first thought. You are worth the pursuit. But is it so wrong to think that pursuit can look a little different?

Now you may now have read this and wondered why I haven't manned up myself. I haven't been on any date since my divorce. Sad I know. Now I have asked and it just hasn't been right. And currently I am, for circumstances beyond my current control, not in a place to ask. I know that doesn't answer your question. But if you are believing that I am waiting for someone to ask me and writing this blog to that end, man are you wrong. I do not expect that. When the time is right I will man up and do it myself. Oh and please do not send me some pity note saying how sad I must be to not have gone on a date in 3 years. I might punch you in the face next time I see you. I'm right where I need to be growing with Jesus and don't need a date to make everything okay. Maybe you need a date. What about them apples?

New Poll

So I have a new poll up. It's kind of a suck question. But it is something I need to know the answer to. I am wondering what people actually think about me. Do I give off that prideful self focused vibe? I want to know the truth. And this is really for people who know me and have interaction with me beyond this blog. Cause if you just read this blog that doesn't count. This is my place to just write about myself or voice a stupid opinion that is really of no consequence. But in real interaction with me, is that a vibe you have gotten.

The poll is anonymous so don't worry that I am gonna get upset with you. I want real answers. It's something I am grappling with. Sucks for sure. Cause in my heart I don't feel that but if that is the vibe the majority of people get, I may need to press into it.

2 Years

So Tuesday was my 2 Year Spiritual Birthday. I know I blogged about this last week. I had planned on doing another day of but was feeling sick and light headed. And the inspiration for what to write didn't come till late in the evening while at Accelerate. Staying close to the cross. I don't think I had ever been able to figure out how to do that. Now I know. What a perfect gift to get on a my birthday. So I will share it with you.

Imagine where you would be if you never met Jesus. It's that simple and that complex at the same time. It took me seconds to come up with that picture after Pete asked that question. I would be one of 2 places, in a grave or in a gutter. I was well on my way to putting a bullet in my head or drinking myself to death.

While I looked the part of being pretty together and in control after my wife left, man I was not. I was way out in left field. I didn't yet have the nerve to take my own life, but man did I want to. And 2 years removed living in the same type of funk I was in, I can imagine that I would have built up the nerve. Or I would have just done the slow fade. I was always good at that. Just bottling myself up till I exploded. Except now I had a whiskey bottle to help contain it even more.

I spent most of my days drinking by myself. Even after Chris moved in. I don't think he even knows how much drinking I did alone. A bottle was never far away. Am I an alcoholic? No. Would I call myself one after that? No. I don't at all have a problem with drinking. It wasn't an addiction. It was a straight up choice for me. I was gonna drink till there was nothing left.

Would I be happy like I am now? No way. Would I have kept being a gentleman to women? Hell no. I was striving to be a dog in those days. Why should I care about their feelings and hearts when mine had been trampled on. And let's take this away from the hurt of being cheated on. There were way more factors than that. That was more like a nail in the coffin rather than the box itself. It was what easily could have been the final straw. My plan was to say screw it. You can take that as an innuendo if you would like. I planned on ditching every bit of chivalry in me and just treat girls like dirt and spend my time being like every guy you see on TV who is just trying to get laid. Why should I care? That one would have been a battle cause my chivalry runs deep, but I could have won that one and just turned into a complete dick who just did what he wanted to get what he wanted.

But for the blood of Christ, that could have been me or worse. Death would have been the easy way out. To live in that would have been the punishment and it probably would have just continued to get worse as the years went on. I get the joy of seeing the crossroads that the cross created for me. I got to choose to shift gears and turn a different way. Best decision I ever made. I can't believe the person I am becoming. The new choices I get to make. The life I get to live. It's not an easy one, but man I love it.

There is so much grace and love and peace available in the cross. If you are reading this and you don't get that, please don't write me off. It's real. He's real. I'm never letting go of it. Wherever that road leads me is the one I am gonna take. On the heals of Jesus as He leads the way. 2 years and counting. If this has happened in just 2 years, what does the next 40 or 50 have in store? Let's turn the page and find out, shall we?

2 Years Old

So as of this coming Tuesday, I will be 2. I gave my life to Christ on September 29, 2007. Its been a crazy couple years. I don't intend this to be a recap, so sorry for those who were expecting that upon reading these first few sentences.

I more just was thinking about it. How I have changed in 2 years. Who I was then compared to now is something of a miracle. (Point of annoyance, dont assume you know me. Ask questions, don't make blanket statements. Yes, I have opinions. Who doesn't. Don't call me overly opinionated because I have a blog that I write and you choose to read. That's rude don't you think? You just happen to know some of mine cause I write about them on occasion.) Sorry for the tangent. Was on my mind.

Anyway, I don't fully know what to make of myself these days. Some things are spectacular. Others not so great. But that is life right? Growing closer and closer to Jesus every day and still a long way to go. Do I wish some thing on this physical plane were different? Of course. Does it matter a ton. It's starting to less and less. My circumstances are ruling me less and less.

Another point for my readers and those who follow me on twitter. I think some of you are reading my stuff with the wrong tone. In fact, I have been informed very clearly that you are. Especially when I twitter things. For some reason, people choose to read things as me being pissed off. I'm really not. I am actually perfectly fine. Even the ones that sound like things are really hard and that I should be in the dumps about, I want you to read differently. Read them with a more joyful tone. A contented tone. Not complacent but content. So when you read "dang my car is about to explode" envision someone that's okay with that. I mean I knowingly drive a hoopty. Would it be my first choice? No. But it is what it is. It needs fixing often and I will just go about my business.

Even if you try reading things as statements of fact rather than marks of how my heart is doing, you will be much better off, and I won't have 100 people thinking I am angry all the time or feeling I am giving a vibe that doesn't exist. Give me the benefit of doubt and go with positive thoughts rather than, "Headley is in a rough spot. Send someone to check on him." It's more frustrating to me that everyone thinks I am in the dumps or that they need to lead me out of bad spots that dont exist than it is that my car is a piece of junk or that I am out of money. I am always out of money. My car is always a piece of junk. Who cares. I am living and Jesus is keeping me above water and able to get around and all that fun stuff.

So choose a joyful sarcastic tone. I know everyone has down times, but it seems people think I am constantly in that state. But that would mean that when you see me and I am being sarcastic and fun loving as I believe I normally am, that that state is a lie and a mask. It really isnt. It's real even in the midst of hardship. And the times when I am quiet, doesn's mean I am depressed. Just quiet. Thinking. Or just trying to figure something out and happened to not be paying attention. I mean I made a fool of myself dressing as the white ranger for halloween last year. Does depression normally lead to foolish fun? I think not.

Okay off that rant. Back to this coming Tuesday. Which actually I think that can come out of. Jesus is doing crazy things in me. The fact that I am okay with my circumstances is a miracle. Cause they aren't great. Could I use winning the lottery? Hell yes. I will take it. Could I use a date? Sure would love it, but being in a relationship is no longer of so much importance that it will sully my outlook on life and my trust in Jesus. Do I want a nice car? Sure but I am past letting it be a point of foolish pride. It doesn't speak to who I am and who Jesus is making me to be because I drive a car that should be put out to pasture instead of my nice Passat that I loved so much. Do I want a better job or just a job that I like? Would love it. But time to stop letting the malaise of my 9-5 mark how I am the rest of the day. And time to make my 9-5 about the main thing. Which you can be praying about for me. Looking for how I am to leverage my life. I have an idea. It's lofty and could be a stretch in so many ways. But could be just right and amazing and everything that I am supposed to be doing.

My life is pretty good I think. From the outside, you might see a guy still under the weight of debt, and possible law suits. You might see a guy who is wasting his life away at a dead end job. Hell, some of you may see a guy wasting his life away serving at a church. I know some people think that. All that is wrong and the views of foggy eyed people. I am a guy who daily gets to live in grace and daily gets to trust Jesus to get me through this one. I get to do stuff I love with people I love reaching out to people that Jesus loves. And in the process I think Jesus wants to offer me relief from the day to day. He wants nice things for us too. They just aren't the end all. He is.

So will I get to rebuild my 1969 Dodge Charger into my dream car? I hope so. Will I remarry and have the family that I always wanted? I hope so. Will I have a great job where I get to do something I love and become financially free? I hope so. (Read I don't need or want to be rich. Just out of debt.) And here's the kicker. None of that matters apart from Jesus. I will trust Him regardless of those things going "my way". Doesn't mean I can't hope and I can't ask. But I will trust Him even if those things never come true.

That's where I find myself 2 years later.

To my family who I don't see very much anymore. I love you dearly. Jesus first. To my friends who got me through a really hard year and who I don't get to spend a ton of time with. I love you dearly and Jesus first. To my band which I would love to start back up and would love to be on the road with and playing music with. I miss you dearly and hope for opportunity, but Jesus first. To my possible future wife, whoever you might be, I hope, Jesus first and if he brings you to me, I promise you will be second as I expect the same hirarchy from your end. To my black muscle car with a 5 speed manual transmission hemi and jet black exterior with baby blue racing stripes. I will see you some day only if Jesus says I can.

This was a fun one to write.

Moving On

Okay so I still haven't figured out how to get the music to post this thing. It doesn't have an audio link option which is weird to me. I'll figure something out I suppose.

But this isnt about the last blog. This is new. I havent been able to sleep for the last few weeks. In bed after 2 every night and not actually falling asleep till 3 or later. I'm pretty tired. I had been doing so good for a while about getting to sleep around 12 or 1. Which is good for me. But the last couple weeks I have been up tossing and turning and what not. Then I spend my days in a haze a bit. Partially from tiredness. Partially anxiousness.

The anxiousness is what this is about. I think something is either supposed to be happening for me or something is about to happen or is coming. I can't see what it is in either case right now. It feels so much like things are on the horizon. I can't seem to run fast enough to get there. I don't even have the scope of what they might be but man do I want to get there.

I am so aware that where I am on lots of levels is not where I am intended to be. The surgery I have been in is evidence of that for sure. Something is coming. Something for me that obviously requires less me than I have brought to the table. I think I am getting close. I would love some guidance though. Some help. Eyes to see what I can't see. Or at least to help clear up things I am thinking I am seeing.

Me Through Music

So as I was working on programming for the last 2 weeks of the UAsked4It Series today, I got reminiscing. (Don't worry Sandra. I have plenty of musical ideas that pertain to the weeks.) I started listening to old bands that I was in. Yes I have them on my ipod. Any of them that recorded anyway. I was in a few more that never made any recordings.

Anyway, I started thinking about 2 things. One where I was when I wrote something or when I was and all that. What my life was like. What I thought I was doing. Why I wrote a particular vocal or whatever. Secondly, I started missing playing. It's fine playing for church. It's nothing like writing for yourself. Nothing like playing your own stuff your way. Nothing like creating something from scratch with a group of guys who are like your brothers. (Or actually your brother in a couple instances.)

Playing someone else's stuff is just that. Someone else's. Granted playing at church it was all written for God and by his hand and I guess you could make the argument that He is in every string I will ever pluck. Every note I will ever sing. But He made me someone who connects with Him when it is something He has let me write.

Needless to say I miss my bands. I miss The Swift Retreat the most. Not because of its most recent proximity. That helps sure. But because it was the closest to what I was meant for that I had gotten. It was a gift from God in all senses. The guys I was in the group with. The stuff we got to make. It was the closest to the kind of stuff I would want to be a part of musically. Some tracks not so much but most. I wish we were able to step back into it. No harm in asking I suppose. I miss playing that way. Playing at church doesnt fill that gap. (Yes I know before I get 15 facebook messages or whatever. Jesus fills in the gaps in our lives. This is not an "I can't live without this" type of gap. It's an I love doing this gap.)

Anyway, if blogspot will let me, I am gonna post some music now. At least try to. Kind of a progression of bands I have been in from College.


Okay, it wont work. I will have to figure it out another way.

Don't Know What To Title This

So I think I am supposed to write something today. I am not really sure what but it feels like a day for writing. don't really have anything funny to talk about. It hasn't really been a funny week. Well minus some great instances but they would be hard to explain in writing.You can ask me sometime about Chris, and DeWayne as Santa. Very different story than you will be expecting. But it makes me and Chris laugh really freaking hard.

It was an interesting week to say the least. Lots going on. Lots to wade through. And feeling like I have truly been picking Jesus this week. At least i have been trying. Its not been easy the whole time. There are a lot of pieces right now that are really hard. I can feel the attack constantly and they are very tangible as well. There are so many things for me to feel dragged down by right now. To feel lesser than in. And this week I'm not picking it. I refuse to. While feeling really unsettled in the things going on around me, I'm surprisingly choosing steadiness in Jesus.

The major one right now is, I don't think I have ever been this poor in my entire life. Its a complete guess whether I am going to make it through a week before I get paid. Will I eat? Will I have the gas to get to work? What check is gonna bounce this time? What am I gonna have to find money to pay for this week that I really don't have? Currently its my car. Man it is such a status thing. I went through a lot of lemons when I got my license. I mean several. Up until I got my Passat a few years ago. I always hated driving crappy cars, and getting the nice one made it worse. And then the Passat was lost to me in ways I don't feel the need to discuss right now.

Anyway, then I made a dumb decision and bought something out of my price range cause I wanted something nice still and ended up having to give that away to my parents to pay for and drive. And I had to go back to a lemon. Its very stretching for me to drive a not nice car. It also means I dont care for it very well. Its trashed inside and could probably use being washed. And it doesn't help that it's a bit of a hoopty and is starting to fall apart. The radiator has busted for a 3rd time in like 5 months. And now the car wont start as a whole. Praying I just need a new battery. But even that has to wait till I get paid on Friday. Oh well. I'll do what I have to do.

But this is not a pity me blog. Was just on my mind obviously since I had to be dropped off at work today. Like I said. Not sure what is gonna be in this blog today. Its kind of turned into my public journal. No not a diary. A journal. But I think I'm supposed to be that. there was something Justin spoke over me our last night in life group. That I am supposed to be loved and love Jesus really privately and really openly. Like there is this strange dichotomy that only I will get. There are some places that no one but Jesus will ever know and places that everyone will. It's way more complicated than that. The way I just explained it sounds like, "duh, isnt that how everyone operates?" and like I said it is strange and harder to explain than that.

Point being that what seems like things that most people need to keep to themselves, I don't need to. I shouldn't. I am not even asking for financial help. Or expecting that someone will read this and want to donate to the "save Headley from the street fund". (there is a paypal account being set up. :) j/k) I don't really know why I would need to tell that. Except maybe to kill pride in my life. I cant really be prideful if everyone knows I am struggling now can i? Which is great in a way and really hard in others. I hate pitying eyes or even the thoughts of someone thinking "poor Jon". But maybe that is the parts of me that have always strived to be self sufficient that need to die. Maybe it's the pride of being able to take care of myself that has always kept me from trusting Jesus with it. Wow, this all sounds like it should be a big "no shit Headley". I know I am dense. DC Talk wrote the song The Hard Way thinking totally about me.

So I have to choose openness in the hard spots. The ones that I would want to hide away and not let anyone see that I am weak. I have to choose self disclosure in the areas I would always try to protect myself from pity or places that people could look down on me. Boo. It sucks. I'd rather just bury it and just look like everything is fine. And in all actuality, the less everything is okay, the more I can become okay. When everything is up for grabs and completely out of your control, the and part of "jesus and..." starts to disappear cause I start losing any choice with that other stuff. I cant create something from nothing so I have to lean into Him to do it for me because He can.

"That's some profound crap Headley." Yeah I can dig it.

On the Table

So I haven't written in a while. I'll warn you that this is a serious one and I am gonna have a hard time writing it.

So I have been needing to write this for a little bit. But I haven't been sure how to do it without putting myself completely up for grabs. I guess I just need to do it. Some of this is gonna be really vague and unfortunately even if I don't mention names, if they read this they will probably know just who they are. Kind of sucks but I have to get some stuff off my chest before I lose it. And unfortunately I think it has to be kind of publicly. Enough so that my heart is at risk in this to that healing is possible.

For those who don't know, its been what's called leadership month or ramp month at my church. All of August is pretty intense every year. Between Leadership Summit that Willow Creek puts on, Leadership Retreat that our church does and getting ready for Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, it feels like a massive hen of chickens scrambling around trying to find our heads. At least that is how this one has felt to me.

I've been called up in ways I don't know that I had done the work to be ready for but it was time to go. And at the same time, I haven't felt this low, exposed, vulnerable and kind of worthless in a very long time.

Let's start at the beginning. ... Ha! I don't even know where the beginning is. Man this isn't gonna be easy. Okay let's start with Summit I think. So there is a satellite location here in Lexington that the Summit gets broadcast live to. That's where I went last year and where I thought I was going again this year. Seems Jesus had other plans. Our church sends some of the lead people to the Chicago site to actually be at Willow Creek. Who knew I was gonna get asked to go this year. It caught me way off guard and cost a lot of money which I am still gonna have to work on paying off. But even though I knew I couldn't afford it, I knew it was worth the money and the possibility of an empty bank account for months to come. And I may have spent too long asking the wrong question.

I went out there asking the entire time why I was asked to go. I may have missed some stuff along the way cause I was on the wrong pages. Why is it so freaking difficult for me to just believe what Jesus says about me and what my leaders see in me. I am worth the investment to be a leader in His kingdom and I am loved and worth something. I only tend to see the evidence to the contrary. Not good. Anyway, Connie helped me get out of that question a little bit which helped me catch up to where I needed to be for the weekend.

Lots of great talks out there that really started stirring things up in me. Lots about what I should be doing with my life, my call, my time with Jesus, how I listen for His voice. Lots of stuff. I don't think a whole lot of it needs to be gone into right now except that last part a little bit. How I hear His voice. I never thought I did. Something Bill Hybels said made me reconsider. Listening for the small whispers of the Holy Spirit. I don't know that that is a voice I had ever paid attention to. I think I spend most of my time looking for the big lightning bolt or for the scream in my ear that says "GO THIS WAY" "DO THIS THING". And so here I sit feeling stuck. When all along there have been small whispers that I have disregarded as my own voice and my own desires or what not. And fact is that some of it may have real legs from Jesus as things for me to really consider and spend time with. Anyway, that was important for the rest of the month.

Oh before Summit, finally moved to a new house. Still haven't really been able to get settled cause of that chicken phenomena I mentioned. Still have a lot of unpacking to do but I am so tired right now that I get to the house and just sit. I need to clean up though.

So moving on, I think I am gonna go backwards for a second. As part of the ramp to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, I was asked to lead the ream that would be doing programming for Questapalooza. Basically the idea engine behind what sorts of things would be in the field and how transitions on the stage would look. That ask came with its own set of issues. From how I don't like last minute things to how I lead people. Not all bad, actually turned out to be mainly good in a lot of ways. I'm not sure why I was asked to be in that spot. But to say I disagree with that being the right one for me is to basically disagree with what Jesus was wanting to do in me by having me there, and do in the people I was/am leading. More to come on that probably after this weekend which is QPZA.

Okay on to other things. I'll get to Leadership retreat in a moment. But there is some set up for that one.

2 big things sit atop my list of greatest desires/dreams/wants. Family and Music. Having my own family that went on the road with me while I was playing shows. I think I have previously mentioned this thought in earlier blogs. Here is the issue. That dream has never been further from reality. Here I sit very single and very bandless. This has been hard for me to swallow. Let me take them one at a time though.

I thought the music thing was starting to be freed up in my heart a lot. I thought my picture of what I was supposed to be doing with music was changing. Still do. Still seeing lots of potential for other things that still put me in music. That's not an explanation for now. Ask me later. But practice for worship last week let me know how up for grabs that part of my heart still is. Being on stage has always been the most safe and uncomfortable spot for me. It had always been a place where I could find acceptance cause I could sing well or write a good song and perform well. And at the same time it is vulnerable cause I know I lack the ability to do some stuff guitar wise and it bothers me. So anytime my abilities are called into question I take it really personal and have tended to shut down. Well that felt like it happened last Thursday and I did just that. I shut down. Justin called me out on it and there I am after practice standing on stage crying about not being able to play a stupid guitar part. It feels so childish and dumb and it is so attached to my heart to be accepted that way I guess. Not great but it is.

And it was so linked to a song that we were doing that I long to be a part of and worked so hard on. It blew to sit down for it and be expected to help listen to guitar sounds and all that. I know the flow of that song better than anyone on the music team and exactly where parts go and when something is missing. And I don't get to play it. It was a song that marked me pretty substantially at Leadership Retreat which I will get to. And I don't get to play it. And probably won't. It struck me really deep and left the door open for other vulnerable areas over the last week. I missed out on really entering in to the last worship experience we would have in this auditorium cause I was so hurt by that and didn't know how to say so.

There are other pieces that hit me pretty hard from music team. It feels so confusing sometimes. I get told one second I am made to be doing this and am supposed to be on the stage at certain key points for our church, and I am not a part of our kickoff in our new auditorium this weekend. I'm supposed to be at all the practices this week to help with guitar tones and listening and what not, but don't get to be on stage for the first time we open this building. That added to the other stuff this week to just be really sad all week. And even me saying yes to something I don't need to be doing. Which I got to retract and step out of. I want the weekend to be as close to perfect as it can be and that means I don't need to be doing this thing just so I can be on stage. It still hurts and hits places that I know it Inst intended to but it did. It called out my self worth and spoke to, you're not good enough places which I know it shouldn't have. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore so I will move on.

All this stuff left me really open for a hit in the other spot of not having my own family. Being divorced makes it really hard to let this one go. Having been cheated on makes it that much worse. And unfortunately, no one can be in this one with me. Jesus can, but I am having so much trouble connecting to Him and am trying so hard to right now. None of my circle of friends or leaders will ever get what that kind of betrayal does. I don't want them to. But it makes me feel alone in it. By the way, I thought I had dealt with all this already and was done with it. Turns out I was wrong.

And so there was someone I was wanting to ask out. And of my own choice I am gonna follow my leaders and take everything to them. Especially to Accelerate leader. Basically, right now I am not supposed to ask this person out for reasons I will not get in to. Hell I don't even know if this person would be interested anyway. The old me automatically says no most of the time. And that's where the vulnerable part comes in this week. Not even with this particular person. It hits with another situation that hit close to home. Man this is difficult. I think I am supposed to leave this part out cause it is incriminating to others and I don't know how to write it without being really straight forward and that would out some other people to things that they don't need to be.

The thing it did to me was call out a lot of past "why not me voices. why are they special and not me. why am i so easily overlooked." Out of that comes a lot of insecurity about my weight, my ability, my stance with my friends, my worth. I hate going to the gym. And thus far the only reason I have for it is I am tired of being fat and overlooked. Yeah that's how screwed up my head is at times. I'm just as nice a guy, just as funny, blah blah blah. So the only determining factor has always come back to that. Pissed. I hate that voice.

Dammit. This thing is long already and I haven't even gotten to retreat. Retreat started shifting a lot of stuff. I went into retreat with starting into this whole thing with feeling like I had been cut open without my knowledge. That's why this blog is called On the Table. I feel liked I have been put under for surgery against my will. It started before retreat, was dug into a lot at retreat, and has been sprawled wide open over the last week. My chest is cut wide open and there are hands rolling around in side of my trying to pull out the tumors that encase my heart. They are rooted in really thickly though. I laid down a lot of stuff at retreat. Left in in Jesus' hands to mold. Man its not easy. I have this big exposed wound that He is trying to stitch up but I am letting bleed out. Choosing listening to the voices of the enemy who taunts me and wants to pull me down. I can't listen to that one anymore. Been asking Jesus really hard since yesterday to show me His love. He started last night with talks with Justin and a more intense one with Sharon. I believe both of them when they tell me they love me. I believe them more than any other people in my life next to my parents. And I know they are speaking to me cause Jesus is speaking through them. "Come on Jon! Stop fighting it! You have to get this one!" Probably the harshest and most loving and most exposing thing I have heard in my entire life.

Is today better? I don't know yet. There is still a lot of work to be done. I am more willing to let the work be done and do the work to agree with it? Yes that's part of the reason I am writing this. This is maybe the most exposing thing I have ever written. I risk turning people off. I risk people looking at me with pity. I risk being too known. I risk scaring people and a particular someone off. I risk a lot of myself in this one. I risk having people ask me about this stuff and call me out on this stuff when they see me going back or locking down. I risk people I don't want to ask me those questions asking and then having to choose how I will respond to them. Wow, I felt up for grabs yesterday. I feel way more up for grabs now. This one is okay. I'm safe.

Lack of Topics

Haven't written in a bit. Figured I would. Gonna keep it short cause I don't really want to get into a whole lot today.

Been a rough little patch. Not terrible, but I am definitely tired. Been running on all cylinders and am in the middle of some crappy stuff. Was doing pretty good and high spirited till it all compounded yesterday. Not gonna say what everything was but it was across the board on what was gonna decide to suck yesterday. I have calmed down quite a bit but am right now in reset mode. Hopefully wont take very long. I think I will be back in swing tomorrow. Or maybe tonight.

I have decided to write a book. It's kind of a lame concept but I am kind of amused by it and figure why not. You can ask me directly about it if you want to.

So, it was just pointed out that there are only 15 days left till I move out of my current house and into the new one. Problem is we dont have a new one yet. Hopefully we will be signing a lease soon. I need to pack and throw stuff away. That might be my Friday night unless someone comes up with something amazing to do.

That's all I want to say right now. This feels a little tedious today. It's very rare that writing feels tedious to me. It's not a great sign for my day.

Recap

So the last few weeks have been pretty good. I don't remember the last direct thing I wrote. I suppose I could check. Hold on a sec. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Got it.

The good times have pretty much continued. Not without their struggles, but they still pale in comparison to what my life is really about now. I've really got nothing to complain about. My car being in the shop with a list of 5 things to get fixed? Who cares. I bought it knowing it would need something soon and drove it as long as it would go without getting fixed. Such is life. Getting a bit screwed by the rental car place? That's okay. I got to return the 15 year old girl car they gave me to drive and borrow a friends car instead. Yeah they took forever to get my money back to me, but i scrounged and made it through.

Pray for this job I applied for at LCA. Part of me really wants it. Part of me doesn't. While the schedule of a teacher would be awesome and I would probably get paid more than I do now, and I would get benefits which I don't have at all, it feels very much like growing up. Have to take out my lip ring and my plugs if I get it. Can I wear a spacer for my lip and put the ring in after work? Who knows. But it would probably be a really good opportunity. I also don't actually know how good I will be at teaching. But I guess if Jesus wants me there, it will work out.

I need to clear my thoughts a bit before I can write anything really coherent right now. So I will cut this one here. Still trying to come up with a good rant topic or some form of advice column. If there are ideas out there that people are actually interested in hearing my opinion on, let me know. If it is worth the writing, I will do it.

On the Heel's of Amazing...

Lots and lots to write about. I am gonna keep it brief though for right now.

A. This weekend was amazing. Thousands of youth and adults opened their hearts to Jesus at Ichthus. Pete's talk Saturday night was so clear and I got to stand in awe and watch probably 4000 people stand to their feet cause they want Jesus.

B. I got to be a part of celebrating 8 guys for that decision. I got to be the one that let them know what just really happened for them when they stood up to say yes to Jesus. I got to look into the eyes of 6 youth kids and 2 older guys and tell them how loved and forgiven and redeemed and worthy they are.

C. Friday, I got to lead my first person to Jesus. I got to be a part of placing Logan's hand in the hand of Jesus. I got to see confusion turn to joy and assurance for a 17 year old guy. Freaking amazing. I got to meet his friend Sam who had just surrendered her life 20 minutes earlier and stirred stuff up in Logan because of how changed she was in an instant. She was beaming and just ready to tell everyone and because of her faithfulness to the call, 20 minutes later, her friend was home too. And then because of the 2 of them being ready to tell everyone, 5 more of their friends were in the prayer tent Saturday night. Way to go you guys. Earth just got rocked by 2 faithful followers of Jesus.

D. On the heel's of seeing God do the miraculous and letting me be a part, we are floored by a surprise loss. Grams, Chris and Brit's grandmother, Rachel's mom went to be with Jesus. She was like another grandmother to me whenever I got to see her. She reminded me so much of my grandma who passed 2 years ago. The love for life and for Jesus was lived out daily. She will be sorely missed. And in the midst of mourning, we know where Grams is. She is getting to meet her savior face to face. She is hearing directly from the lips of the most high "well done." And a personal gift for me, I felt like I got to talk to my beloved Grandma for a minute and ask her to meet Grams at the gates. They never met here on earth but man would they have been good friends. So I get to believe that right now, my Grandma is singing her heart out and Grams is dancing away and they are worshipping Jesus together and getting to know each other. How can I be too sad with that image in my mind. Yeah I'm crying and it feels so joyful. It's so hopeful.

Every bit of this weekend has shaken me to my core in ways that I will never recover from. Jesus said I was worthy to help bring someone home to Him. And as I will miss Grams and I miss my Grandma, I have so much assurance at this very moment that they are smiling over me and I will see them again when I get to go home. This is the best Monday of my freaking life and I haven't slept in 4 days. :) Praise God.

Me on the Back Burner

Man, I really haven't had anything funny to say or write about in a bit. Lots of "serious" stuff. But such is the case. Writing is good for me. Helps me get stuff off my chest that may be weighing me down. I suck at journaling in a book cause it involves taking the extra time to get it out. I am at a computer all the time, so sitting and typing is a pretty easy way to go about it. I could open a word document and write there and keep my thoughts private, but whats the point. I'm okay being an exposed person. Granted, I am not going to write everything for the entire reading public to know, but I figure most of what I do write is okay subject matter.

This weeks post finds me a little disappointed. Feeling a little less than. And in the end I guess a little selfish as a result. It's pretty gross and I am trying to shake it as quickly as possible. Trying to ask Jesus to shed some light on some stuff for me.

The weekend had some unexpected twist. And some things I allowed my heart to hope for, or that I over dreamed or something, that missed my mark so I am disappointed. We'll start with Friday.

Friday in essence brought 2 things to a boiling point that are close to my heart. My big life dream was always 2 fold. To have a family of my own and that family would be on the road with me cause I was getting to do music as a career. The most beautiful picture I have ever gotten in my head involved walking down the street in a random city that I was gonna be performing in that night, with my daughter on my shoulders probably dropping her ice cream on my head and my wife on my arm probably trying to help clean up.

Well Friday through Sunday hit me with a stark reality. Those dreams couldn't be farther from reality than they are right now. And it hurts quite a bit. This is not where I envisioned myself being when I turned 28. I'm a divorced guy who hasn't been with anyone in almost 3 years, and have to delay further asking someone out that I want to. I know it is for the best and that it is the right thing, and still hard. And on the other part, at my leading, the most recent band I was in that I had a lot of hope and promise for is no more. I was more hurt by that than the word to wait on a date.

We pulled the plug on TSR for right now. I'm the one that started the conversation with the boys. I knew it was the right thing and that we would all be on the same pages. And I barely spoke about it to anyone. I haven't even written about it yet. And it hit me Friday how truly saddened and a bit heart broken I am about it. Yeah on music levels. But it also feels like I lost something. Like I have lost that connection with those guys. I still see them all the time. We still hang out. But Friday was set aside for us to connect in a way many people don't get. Playing music together in that way is such a gift to those of us who do it. And those 4 guys were a gift for me to get to play with. And I hadn't let myself realize how truly sad I was to let that go. And in the end here I stand with my dreams in pieces.

Its not easy at all. I'm surrounded by people who have pieces of the life I want. Families and children all around me. Relationships forming all around me. And even getting to hear about friends having musical opportunities that are only dreams for me. I am proud of and excited for every one of those people and what they get to be a part of. I don't hate being around it. But I am not gonna lie and say I am not jealous.

I trust Jesus. I really do. I know what He has in store for me is far better than what I am dreaming. But I cant see for myself as far as He can for me. So I feel at a loss in some ways. I'm asking for answers. Maybe I'm not ready to hear them, but I man do I want to be.

My actual birthday was also a let down. Was last year too. I know there were a couple blogs I wrote about it not mattering and it was just another year. I know I had even said that to people. I'm very aware that that was me trying to protect myself. So if no one did anything for me, then I wouldn't be hurt or let down cause it was just another day.

Please Please Please do not think I do not appreciate the surprise party that was thrown for me 2 weeks ago. I do. I really love all my friends who got to show up for it. I guess I let comparison slip in though. Let myself believe I don't measure up to what I have seen done for others. Once again, gross and selfish and pathetic. Man it feels like I took 2 steps forward with the week on Rooted and then this week I have taken 5 back into my own stupid crap.

Jesus help me do a quick work with this so I don't go into Ichthus this weekend with this sitting on me. I want to be clean of it. Especially the music parts. Watching so many bands get to do what I long to do. This year I am called to be an alter minister. Let me do that clean hearted. Let's just bring a ton of your kids home this weekend. That's what matters.

QCC - Rooted

There is the link to this weeks more recent talk on being Rooted. Holy crap it was a good one. And if you want to watch it, you can see me perform Love Lockdown.

The talk has really been sinking in in quiet ways for me. I've just been spending time in my own head with how much Jesus loves me. And it has been also in such tangible ways that He has decided to show me. My surprise party which I mentioned in the last blog, really set me up well to go through this weekend. As often as I feel unloved by people, He wanted to show me love that way right before going into a talk on how much He loves us. I guess that is good timing. :)

I also have been looking closer at my finances this week. I spend so much time freaking out about them that is seems I have missed his provision even in my unfaithfulness. Lots more is taken care of and off the table than I had noticed. I was shocked to actually look at stuff which I had been scared to do and see a clear path to some financial freedom. It's kind of crazy. I so it seems menial in the grand scheme of things, but seeing the numbers play out spoke volumes to me in legitimate ways.

It's kind of amazing where He has been taking me in just the few months that we have been going through Accelerate. Me just an apprentice has gotten so much already and I know there is tons more to come. What will I look like at the end of the year. And what will I look like in 2 years if I get to be an Accelerator next year. It's amazing to me what He can do even when we shut our eyes in some ways. He is still faithful to us even in our short comings and pit falls.

I still have a long way to go, but getting to choose to believe the best of Jesus and of the people around me is a pretty freeing thing.

On other notes... eh actually I don't have any others at the moment. I have some stuff I am hoping for but I am gonna keep it as close to the vest as I can from here on out.

I will write a more fun, silly blog soon. I know the last several have been pretty serious on some level. I still am always looking for rant worthy topics if you should want to send ideas my way.

The Weekend

So this weekend was quite interesting. Turns out that the party at Katie's house ended up being a surprise party for me. There were some minor signals during the week but overall I was surprised. Thanks to everyone who was a part of it. It was a really good boost to get from my friends heading into a weekend at church about being rooted.

Sang Love Lockdown at church on Saturday and Sunday. It was not easy. There is no semblance of a pattern to Kanye's writing style. Made it a little difficult to keep the words in my head. But it was fun to have that effect on my voice and I am told that it all came together really well during the services.

The talk itself was pretty great. It's definitely one that I will want to spend some time with before I write anything substantial about it. Will have to watch it online when it gets posted. I'll post a link to it when that happens.

(Short one today. I have a bit of a headache and I am not fully awake yet.)

Dreaming Big

With my birthday now a week and a day away, I am feeling pretty apathetic about it. Just doesn't matter I guess. I already feel over it and whatever about it and it hasn't even happened yet. Can't really say way. Probably pretty selfish reasons if I am gonna be honest with myself. But I don't feel like sharing those reasons here.

What I am gonna do is dream big for myself. Make myself a wish list of sorts. Big ticket stuff. Yeah really self focused and lame, but if you can't be that in your own blog sometimes, where can you.

#1 is something that I have wanted for a long time. It's a long term project but something that would be ridiculous amounts of fun for me. It may take forever cause I don't have a lot of free time, but man would I love it beyond words.

I've wanted an old vintage car to rebuild for a very long time. I think my top choice is a '71 - '73 Dodge Charger. I would love to spend hours making it into just what I want. Learning about working on car bodies and engines. Painting it. It would be all kinds of enjoyment for me. Ebay has these 3 up on there right now which I would love to get:









Yeah that would be a dream come true. I know they look crappy, but they look beautiful to me.

#2 is more of a necessity than a want and it is a want to. Man I need a new laptop. My poor powerbook G4 is on its last leg. Has been since before Barbados last year. I do quite a bit on it and want to get into doing some more photography again which will require having a decent working computer. I would love one of the new MacBooks. So expensive though. More expensive than all 3 cars about.

#3 is kind of 2 things. I know I have said this to some people as of late. More out of excitement to see them come to fruition. Garrett is just waiting for money from me so he can build an amp for me, and Alex is waiting on me to get some pieces so that he can finish my guitar. To have 2 custom pieces that no one else is the world has would be pretty awesome and knowing the two of them, they would sound amazing. Just need to get the money to give them.

Those are the 3 main things that I keep my hopes up about. As in things anyway. There is something else I have my hopes up for right now that I am waiting on a bit too. Hopefully soon. But that is more personal and not to be discussed so openly in a blog. Cross fingers and send prayers. As for the material things. I just really want them some day.