So I think I am supposed to write something today. I am not really sure what but it feels like a day for writing. don't really have anything funny to talk about. It hasn't really been a funny week. Well minus some great instances but they would be hard to explain in writing.You can ask me sometime about Chris, and DeWayne as Santa. Very different story than you will be expecting. But it makes me and Chris laugh really freaking hard.
It was an interesting week to say the least. Lots going on. Lots to wade through. And feeling like I have truly been picking Jesus this week. At least i have been trying. Its not been easy the whole time. There are a lot of pieces right now that are really hard. I can feel the attack constantly and they are very tangible as well. There are so many things for me to feel dragged down by right now. To feel lesser than in. And this week I'm not picking it. I refuse to. While feeling really unsettled in the things going on around me, I'm surprisingly choosing steadiness in Jesus.
The major one right now is, I don't think I have ever been this poor in my entire life. Its a complete guess whether I am going to make it through a week before I get paid. Will I eat? Will I have the gas to get to work? What check is gonna bounce this time? What am I gonna have to find money to pay for this week that I really don't have? Currently its my car. Man it is such a status thing. I went through a lot of lemons when I got my license. I mean several. Up until I got my Passat a few years ago. I always hated driving crappy cars, and getting the nice one made it worse. And then the Passat was lost to me in ways I don't feel the need to discuss right now.
Anyway, then I made a dumb decision and bought something out of my price range cause I wanted something nice still and ended up having to give that away to my parents to pay for and drive. And I had to go back to a lemon. Its very stretching for me to drive a not nice car. It also means I dont care for it very well. Its trashed inside and could probably use being washed. And it doesn't help that it's a bit of a hoopty and is starting to fall apart. The radiator has busted for a 3rd time in like 5 months. And now the car wont start as a whole. Praying I just need a new battery. But even that has to wait till I get paid on Friday. Oh well. I'll do what I have to do.
But this is not a pity me blog. Was just on my mind obviously since I had to be dropped off at work today. Like I said. Not sure what is gonna be in this blog today. Its kind of turned into my public journal. No not a diary. A journal. But I think I'm supposed to be that. there was something Justin spoke over me our last night in life group. That I am supposed to be loved and love Jesus really privately and really openly. Like there is this strange dichotomy that only I will get. There are some places that no one but Jesus will ever know and places that everyone will. It's way more complicated than that. The way I just explained it sounds like, "duh, isnt that how everyone operates?" and like I said it is strange and harder to explain than that.
Point being that what seems like things that most people need to keep to themselves, I don't need to. I shouldn't. I am not even asking for financial help. Or expecting that someone will read this and want to donate to the "save Headley from the street fund". (there is a paypal account being set up. :) j/k) I don't really know why I would need to tell that. Except maybe to kill pride in my life. I cant really be prideful if everyone knows I am struggling now can i? Which is great in a way and really hard in others. I hate pitying eyes or even the thoughts of someone thinking "poor Jon". But maybe that is the parts of me that have always strived to be self sufficient that need to die. Maybe it's the pride of being able to take care of myself that has always kept me from trusting Jesus with it. Wow, this all sounds like it should be a big "no shit Headley". I know I am dense. DC Talk wrote the song The Hard Way thinking totally about me.
So I have to choose openness in the hard spots. The ones that I would want to hide away and not let anyone see that I am weak. I have to choose self disclosure in the areas I would always try to protect myself from pity or places that people could look down on me. Boo. It sucks. I'd rather just bury it and just look like everything is fine. And in all actuality, the less everything is okay, the more I can become okay. When everything is up for grabs and completely out of your control, the and part of "jesus and..." starts to disappear cause I start losing any choice with that other stuff. I cant create something from nothing so I have to lean into Him to do it for me because He can.
"That's some profound crap Headley." Yeah I can dig it.
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