So as of this coming Tuesday, I will be 2. I gave my life to Christ on September 29, 2007. Its been a crazy couple years. I don't intend this to be a recap, so sorry for those who were expecting that upon reading these first few sentences.
I more just was thinking about it. How I have changed in 2 years. Who I was then compared to now is something of a miracle. (Point of annoyance, dont assume you know me. Ask questions, don't make blanket statements. Yes, I have opinions. Who doesn't. Don't call me overly opinionated because I have a blog that I write and you choose to read. That's rude don't you think? You just happen to know some of mine cause I write about them on occasion.) Sorry for the tangent. Was on my mind.
Anyway, I don't fully know what to make of myself these days. Some things are spectacular. Others not so great. But that is life right? Growing closer and closer to Jesus every day and still a long way to go. Do I wish some thing on this physical plane were different? Of course. Does it matter a ton. It's starting to less and less. My circumstances are ruling me less and less.
Another point for my readers and those who follow me on twitter. I think some of you are reading my stuff with the wrong tone. In fact, I have been informed very clearly that you are. Especially when I twitter things. For some reason, people choose to read things as me being pissed off. I'm really not. I am actually perfectly fine. Even the ones that sound like things are really hard and that I should be in the dumps about, I want you to read differently. Read them with a more joyful tone. A contented tone. Not complacent but content. So when you read "dang my car is about to explode" envision someone that's okay with that. I mean I knowingly drive a hoopty. Would it be my first choice? No. But it is what it is. It needs fixing often and I will just go about my business.
Even if you try reading things as statements of fact rather than marks of how my heart is doing, you will be much better off, and I won't have 100 people thinking I am angry all the time or feeling I am giving a vibe that doesn't exist. Give me the benefit of doubt and go with positive thoughts rather than, "Headley is in a rough spot. Send someone to check on him." It's more frustrating to me that everyone thinks I am in the dumps or that they need to lead me out of bad spots that dont exist than it is that my car is a piece of junk or that I am out of money. I am always out of money. My car is always a piece of junk. Who cares. I am living and Jesus is keeping me above water and able to get around and all that fun stuff.
So choose a joyful sarcastic tone. I know everyone has down times, but it seems people think I am constantly in that state. But that would mean that when you see me and I am being sarcastic and fun loving as I believe I normally am, that that state is a lie and a mask. It really isnt. It's real even in the midst of hardship. And the times when I am quiet, doesn's mean I am depressed. Just quiet. Thinking. Or just trying to figure something out and happened to not be paying attention. I mean I made a fool of myself dressing as the white ranger for halloween last year. Does depression normally lead to foolish fun? I think not.
Okay off that rant. Back to this coming Tuesday. Which actually I think that can come out of. Jesus is doing crazy things in me. The fact that I am okay with my circumstances is a miracle. Cause they aren't great. Could I use winning the lottery? Hell yes. I will take it. Could I use a date? Sure would love it, but being in a relationship is no longer of so much importance that it will sully my outlook on life and my trust in Jesus. Do I want a nice car? Sure but I am past letting it be a point of foolish pride. It doesn't speak to who I am and who Jesus is making me to be because I drive a car that should be put out to pasture instead of my nice Passat that I loved so much. Do I want a better job or just a job that I like? Would love it. But time to stop letting the malaise of my 9-5 mark how I am the rest of the day. And time to make my 9-5 about the main thing. Which you can be praying about for me. Looking for how I am to leverage my life. I have an idea. It's lofty and could be a stretch in so many ways. But could be just right and amazing and everything that I am supposed to be doing.
My life is pretty good I think. From the outside, you might see a guy still under the weight of debt, and possible law suits. You might see a guy who is wasting his life away at a dead end job. Hell, some of you may see a guy wasting his life away serving at a church. I know some people think that. All that is wrong and the views of foggy eyed people. I am a guy who daily gets to live in grace and daily gets to trust Jesus to get me through this one. I get to do stuff I love with people I love reaching out to people that Jesus loves. And in the process I think Jesus wants to offer me relief from the day to day. He wants nice things for us too. They just aren't the end all. He is.
So will I get to rebuild my 1969 Dodge Charger into my dream car? I hope so. Will I remarry and have the family that I always wanted? I hope so. Will I have a great job where I get to do something I love and become financially free? I hope so. (Read I don't need or want to be rich. Just out of debt.) And here's the kicker. None of that matters apart from Jesus. I will trust Him regardless of those things going "my way". Doesn't mean I can't hope and I can't ask. But I will trust Him even if those things never come true.
That's where I find myself 2 years later.
To my family who I don't see very much anymore. I love you dearly. Jesus first. To my friends who got me through a really hard year and who I don't get to spend a ton of time with. I love you dearly and Jesus first. To my band which I would love to start back up and would love to be on the road with and playing music with. I miss you dearly and hope for opportunity, but Jesus first. To my possible future wife, whoever you might be, I hope, Jesus first and if he brings you to me, I promise you will be second as I expect the same hirarchy from your end. To my black muscle car with a 5 speed manual transmission hemi and jet black exterior with baby blue racing stripes. I will see you some day only if Jesus says I can.
This was a fun one to write.
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