On the Table

So I haven't written in a while. I'll warn you that this is a serious one and I am gonna have a hard time writing it.

So I have been needing to write this for a little bit. But I haven't been sure how to do it without putting myself completely up for grabs. I guess I just need to do it. Some of this is gonna be really vague and unfortunately even if I don't mention names, if they read this they will probably know just who they are. Kind of sucks but I have to get some stuff off my chest before I lose it. And unfortunately I think it has to be kind of publicly. Enough so that my heart is at risk in this to that healing is possible.

For those who don't know, its been what's called leadership month or ramp month at my church. All of August is pretty intense every year. Between Leadership Summit that Willow Creek puts on, Leadership Retreat that our church does and getting ready for Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, it feels like a massive hen of chickens scrambling around trying to find our heads. At least that is how this one has felt to me.

I've been called up in ways I don't know that I had done the work to be ready for but it was time to go. And at the same time, I haven't felt this low, exposed, vulnerable and kind of worthless in a very long time.

Let's start at the beginning. ... Ha! I don't even know where the beginning is. Man this isn't gonna be easy. Okay let's start with Summit I think. So there is a satellite location here in Lexington that the Summit gets broadcast live to. That's where I went last year and where I thought I was going again this year. Seems Jesus had other plans. Our church sends some of the lead people to the Chicago site to actually be at Willow Creek. Who knew I was gonna get asked to go this year. It caught me way off guard and cost a lot of money which I am still gonna have to work on paying off. But even though I knew I couldn't afford it, I knew it was worth the money and the possibility of an empty bank account for months to come. And I may have spent too long asking the wrong question.

I went out there asking the entire time why I was asked to go. I may have missed some stuff along the way cause I was on the wrong pages. Why is it so freaking difficult for me to just believe what Jesus says about me and what my leaders see in me. I am worth the investment to be a leader in His kingdom and I am loved and worth something. I only tend to see the evidence to the contrary. Not good. Anyway, Connie helped me get out of that question a little bit which helped me catch up to where I needed to be for the weekend.

Lots of great talks out there that really started stirring things up in me. Lots about what I should be doing with my life, my call, my time with Jesus, how I listen for His voice. Lots of stuff. I don't think a whole lot of it needs to be gone into right now except that last part a little bit. How I hear His voice. I never thought I did. Something Bill Hybels said made me reconsider. Listening for the small whispers of the Holy Spirit. I don't know that that is a voice I had ever paid attention to. I think I spend most of my time looking for the big lightning bolt or for the scream in my ear that says "GO THIS WAY" "DO THIS THING". And so here I sit feeling stuck. When all along there have been small whispers that I have disregarded as my own voice and my own desires or what not. And fact is that some of it may have real legs from Jesus as things for me to really consider and spend time with. Anyway, that was important for the rest of the month.

Oh before Summit, finally moved to a new house. Still haven't really been able to get settled cause of that chicken phenomena I mentioned. Still have a lot of unpacking to do but I am so tired right now that I get to the house and just sit. I need to clean up though.

So moving on, I think I am gonna go backwards for a second. As part of the ramp to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, I was asked to lead the ream that would be doing programming for Questapalooza. Basically the idea engine behind what sorts of things would be in the field and how transitions on the stage would look. That ask came with its own set of issues. From how I don't like last minute things to how I lead people. Not all bad, actually turned out to be mainly good in a lot of ways. I'm not sure why I was asked to be in that spot. But to say I disagree with that being the right one for me is to basically disagree with what Jesus was wanting to do in me by having me there, and do in the people I was/am leading. More to come on that probably after this weekend which is QPZA.

Okay on to other things. I'll get to Leadership retreat in a moment. But there is some set up for that one.

2 big things sit atop my list of greatest desires/dreams/wants. Family and Music. Having my own family that went on the road with me while I was playing shows. I think I have previously mentioned this thought in earlier blogs. Here is the issue. That dream has never been further from reality. Here I sit very single and very bandless. This has been hard for me to swallow. Let me take them one at a time though.

I thought the music thing was starting to be freed up in my heart a lot. I thought my picture of what I was supposed to be doing with music was changing. Still do. Still seeing lots of potential for other things that still put me in music. That's not an explanation for now. Ask me later. But practice for worship last week let me know how up for grabs that part of my heart still is. Being on stage has always been the most safe and uncomfortable spot for me. It had always been a place where I could find acceptance cause I could sing well or write a good song and perform well. And at the same time it is vulnerable cause I know I lack the ability to do some stuff guitar wise and it bothers me. So anytime my abilities are called into question I take it really personal and have tended to shut down. Well that felt like it happened last Thursday and I did just that. I shut down. Justin called me out on it and there I am after practice standing on stage crying about not being able to play a stupid guitar part. It feels so childish and dumb and it is so attached to my heart to be accepted that way I guess. Not great but it is.

And it was so linked to a song that we were doing that I long to be a part of and worked so hard on. It blew to sit down for it and be expected to help listen to guitar sounds and all that. I know the flow of that song better than anyone on the music team and exactly where parts go and when something is missing. And I don't get to play it. It was a song that marked me pretty substantially at Leadership Retreat which I will get to. And I don't get to play it. And probably won't. It struck me really deep and left the door open for other vulnerable areas over the last week. I missed out on really entering in to the last worship experience we would have in this auditorium cause I was so hurt by that and didn't know how to say so.

There are other pieces that hit me pretty hard from music team. It feels so confusing sometimes. I get told one second I am made to be doing this and am supposed to be on the stage at certain key points for our church, and I am not a part of our kickoff in our new auditorium this weekend. I'm supposed to be at all the practices this week to help with guitar tones and listening and what not, but don't get to be on stage for the first time we open this building. That added to the other stuff this week to just be really sad all week. And even me saying yes to something I don't need to be doing. Which I got to retract and step out of. I want the weekend to be as close to perfect as it can be and that means I don't need to be doing this thing just so I can be on stage. It still hurts and hits places that I know it Inst intended to but it did. It called out my self worth and spoke to, you're not good enough places which I know it shouldn't have. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore so I will move on.

All this stuff left me really open for a hit in the other spot of not having my own family. Being divorced makes it really hard to let this one go. Having been cheated on makes it that much worse. And unfortunately, no one can be in this one with me. Jesus can, but I am having so much trouble connecting to Him and am trying so hard to right now. None of my circle of friends or leaders will ever get what that kind of betrayal does. I don't want them to. But it makes me feel alone in it. By the way, I thought I had dealt with all this already and was done with it. Turns out I was wrong.

And so there was someone I was wanting to ask out. And of my own choice I am gonna follow my leaders and take everything to them. Especially to Accelerate leader. Basically, right now I am not supposed to ask this person out for reasons I will not get in to. Hell I don't even know if this person would be interested anyway. The old me automatically says no most of the time. And that's where the vulnerable part comes in this week. Not even with this particular person. It hits with another situation that hit close to home. Man this is difficult. I think I am supposed to leave this part out cause it is incriminating to others and I don't know how to write it without being really straight forward and that would out some other people to things that they don't need to be.

The thing it did to me was call out a lot of past "why not me voices. why are they special and not me. why am i so easily overlooked." Out of that comes a lot of insecurity about my weight, my ability, my stance with my friends, my worth. I hate going to the gym. And thus far the only reason I have for it is I am tired of being fat and overlooked. Yeah that's how screwed up my head is at times. I'm just as nice a guy, just as funny, blah blah blah. So the only determining factor has always come back to that. Pissed. I hate that voice.

Dammit. This thing is long already and I haven't even gotten to retreat. Retreat started shifting a lot of stuff. I went into retreat with starting into this whole thing with feeling like I had been cut open without my knowledge. That's why this blog is called On the Table. I feel liked I have been put under for surgery against my will. It started before retreat, was dug into a lot at retreat, and has been sprawled wide open over the last week. My chest is cut wide open and there are hands rolling around in side of my trying to pull out the tumors that encase my heart. They are rooted in really thickly though. I laid down a lot of stuff at retreat. Left in in Jesus' hands to mold. Man its not easy. I have this big exposed wound that He is trying to stitch up but I am letting bleed out. Choosing listening to the voices of the enemy who taunts me and wants to pull me down. I can't listen to that one anymore. Been asking Jesus really hard since yesterday to show me His love. He started last night with talks with Justin and a more intense one with Sharon. I believe both of them when they tell me they love me. I believe them more than any other people in my life next to my parents. And I know they are speaking to me cause Jesus is speaking through them. "Come on Jon! Stop fighting it! You have to get this one!" Probably the harshest and most loving and most exposing thing I have heard in my entire life.

Is today better? I don't know yet. There is still a lot of work to be done. I am more willing to let the work be done and do the work to agree with it? Yes that's part of the reason I am writing this. This is maybe the most exposing thing I have ever written. I risk turning people off. I risk people looking at me with pity. I risk being too known. I risk scaring people and a particular someone off. I risk a lot of myself in this one. I risk having people ask me about this stuff and call me out on this stuff when they see me going back or locking down. I risk people I don't want to ask me those questions asking and then having to choose how I will respond to them. Wow, I felt up for grabs yesterday. I feel way more up for grabs now. This one is okay. I'm safe.