So as of this coming Tuesday, I will be 2. I gave my life to Christ on September 29, 2007. Its been a crazy couple years. I don't intend this to be a recap, so sorry for those who were expecting that upon reading these first few sentences.
I more just was thinking about it. How I have changed in 2 years. Who I was then compared to now is something of a miracle. (Point of annoyance, dont assume you know me. Ask questions, don't make blanket statements. Yes, I have opinions. Who doesn't. Don't call me overly opinionated because I have a blog that I write and you choose to read. That's rude don't you think? You just happen to know some of mine cause I write about them on occasion.) Sorry for the tangent. Was on my mind.
Anyway, I don't fully know what to make of myself these days. Some things are spectacular. Others not so great. But that is life right? Growing closer and closer to Jesus every day and still a long way to go. Do I wish some thing on this physical plane were different? Of course. Does it matter a ton. It's starting to less and less. My circumstances are ruling me less and less.
Another point for my readers and those who follow me on twitter. I think some of you are reading my stuff with the wrong tone. In fact, I have been informed very clearly that you are. Especially when I twitter things. For some reason, people choose to read things as me being pissed off. I'm really not. I am actually perfectly fine. Even the ones that sound like things are really hard and that I should be in the dumps about, I want you to read differently. Read them with a more joyful tone. A contented tone. Not complacent but content. So when you read "dang my car is about to explode" envision someone that's okay with that. I mean I knowingly drive a hoopty. Would it be my first choice? No. But it is what it is. It needs fixing often and I will just go about my business.
Even if you try reading things as statements of fact rather than marks of how my heart is doing, you will be much better off, and I won't have 100 people thinking I am angry all the time or feeling I am giving a vibe that doesn't exist. Give me the benefit of doubt and go with positive thoughts rather than, "Headley is in a rough spot. Send someone to check on him." It's more frustrating to me that everyone thinks I am in the dumps or that they need to lead me out of bad spots that dont exist than it is that my car is a piece of junk or that I am out of money. I am always out of money. My car is always a piece of junk. Who cares. I am living and Jesus is keeping me above water and able to get around and all that fun stuff.
So choose a joyful sarcastic tone. I know everyone has down times, but it seems people think I am constantly in that state. But that would mean that when you see me and I am being sarcastic and fun loving as I believe I normally am, that that state is a lie and a mask. It really isnt. It's real even in the midst of hardship. And the times when I am quiet, doesn's mean I am depressed. Just quiet. Thinking. Or just trying to figure something out and happened to not be paying attention. I mean I made a fool of myself dressing as the white ranger for halloween last year. Does depression normally lead to foolish fun? I think not.
Okay off that rant. Back to this coming Tuesday. Which actually I think that can come out of. Jesus is doing crazy things in me. The fact that I am okay with my circumstances is a miracle. Cause they aren't great. Could I use winning the lottery? Hell yes. I will take it. Could I use a date? Sure would love it, but being in a relationship is no longer of so much importance that it will sully my outlook on life and my trust in Jesus. Do I want a nice car? Sure but I am past letting it be a point of foolish pride. It doesn't speak to who I am and who Jesus is making me to be because I drive a car that should be put out to pasture instead of my nice Passat that I loved so much. Do I want a better job or just a job that I like? Would love it. But time to stop letting the malaise of my 9-5 mark how I am the rest of the day. And time to make my 9-5 about the main thing. Which you can be praying about for me. Looking for how I am to leverage my life. I have an idea. It's lofty and could be a stretch in so many ways. But could be just right and amazing and everything that I am supposed to be doing.
My life is pretty good I think. From the outside, you might see a guy still under the weight of debt, and possible law suits. You might see a guy who is wasting his life away at a dead end job. Hell, some of you may see a guy wasting his life away serving at a church. I know some people think that. All that is wrong and the views of foggy eyed people. I am a guy who daily gets to live in grace and daily gets to trust Jesus to get me through this one. I get to do stuff I love with people I love reaching out to people that Jesus loves. And in the process I think Jesus wants to offer me relief from the day to day. He wants nice things for us too. They just aren't the end all. He is.
So will I get to rebuild my 1969 Dodge Charger into my dream car? I hope so. Will I remarry and have the family that I always wanted? I hope so. Will I have a great job where I get to do something I love and become financially free? I hope so. (Read I don't need or want to be rich. Just out of debt.) And here's the kicker. None of that matters apart from Jesus. I will trust Him regardless of those things going "my way". Doesn't mean I can't hope and I can't ask. But I will trust Him even if those things never come true.
That's where I find myself 2 years later.
To my family who I don't see very much anymore. I love you dearly. Jesus first. To my friends who got me through a really hard year and who I don't get to spend a ton of time with. I love you dearly and Jesus first. To my band which I would love to start back up and would love to be on the road with and playing music with. I miss you dearly and hope for opportunity, but Jesus first. To my possible future wife, whoever you might be, I hope, Jesus first and if he brings you to me, I promise you will be second as I expect the same hirarchy from your end. To my black muscle car with a 5 speed manual transmission hemi and jet black exterior with baby blue racing stripes. I will see you some day only if Jesus says I can.
This was a fun one to write.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Moving On
Okay so I still haven't figured out how to get the music to post this thing. It doesn't have an audio link option which is weird to me. I'll figure something out I suppose.
But this isnt about the last blog. This is new. I havent been able to sleep for the last few weeks. In bed after 2 every night and not actually falling asleep till 3 or later. I'm pretty tired. I had been doing so good for a while about getting to sleep around 12 or 1. Which is good for me. But the last couple weeks I have been up tossing and turning and what not. Then I spend my days in a haze a bit. Partially from tiredness. Partially anxiousness.
The anxiousness is what this is about. I think something is either supposed to be happening for me or something is about to happen or is coming. I can't see what it is in either case right now. It feels so much like things are on the horizon. I can't seem to run fast enough to get there. I don't even have the scope of what they might be but man do I want to get there.
I am so aware that where I am on lots of levels is not where I am intended to be. The surgery I have been in is evidence of that for sure. Something is coming. Something for me that obviously requires less me than I have brought to the table. I think I am getting close. I would love some guidance though. Some help. Eyes to see what I can't see. Or at least to help clear up things I am thinking I am seeing.
But this isnt about the last blog. This is new. I havent been able to sleep for the last few weeks. In bed after 2 every night and not actually falling asleep till 3 or later. I'm pretty tired. I had been doing so good for a while about getting to sleep around 12 or 1. Which is good for me. But the last couple weeks I have been up tossing and turning and what not. Then I spend my days in a haze a bit. Partially from tiredness. Partially anxiousness.
The anxiousness is what this is about. I think something is either supposed to be happening for me or something is about to happen or is coming. I can't see what it is in either case right now. It feels so much like things are on the horizon. I can't seem to run fast enough to get there. I don't even have the scope of what they might be but man do I want to get there.
I am so aware that where I am on lots of levels is not where I am intended to be. The surgery I have been in is evidence of that for sure. Something is coming. Something for me that obviously requires less me than I have brought to the table. I think I am getting close. I would love some guidance though. Some help. Eyes to see what I can't see. Or at least to help clear up things I am thinking I am seeing.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Me Through Music
So as I was working on programming for the last 2 weeks of the UAsked4It Series today, I got reminiscing. (Don't worry Sandra. I have plenty of musical ideas that pertain to the weeks.) I started listening to old bands that I was in. Yes I have them on my ipod. Any of them that recorded anyway. I was in a few more that never made any recordings.
Anyway, I started thinking about 2 things. One where I was when I wrote something or when I was and all that. What my life was like. What I thought I was doing. Why I wrote a particular vocal or whatever. Secondly, I started missing playing. It's fine playing for church. It's nothing like writing for yourself. Nothing like playing your own stuff your way. Nothing like creating something from scratch with a group of guys who are like your brothers. (Or actually your brother in a couple instances.)
Playing someone else's stuff is just that. Someone else's. Granted playing at church it was all written for God and by his hand and I guess you could make the argument that He is in every string I will ever pluck. Every note I will ever sing. But He made me someone who connects with Him when it is something He has let me write.
Needless to say I miss my bands. I miss The Swift Retreat the most. Not because of its most recent proximity. That helps sure. But because it was the closest to what I was meant for that I had gotten. It was a gift from God in all senses. The guys I was in the group with. The stuff we got to make. It was the closest to the kind of stuff I would want to be a part of musically. Some tracks not so much but most. I wish we were able to step back into it. No harm in asking I suppose. I miss playing that way. Playing at church doesnt fill that gap. (Yes I know before I get 15 facebook messages or whatever. Jesus fills in the gaps in our lives. This is not an "I can't live without this" type of gap. It's an I love doing this gap.)
Anyway, if blogspot will let me, I am gonna post some music now. At least try to. Kind of a progression of bands I have been in from College.
Okay, it wont work. I will have to figure it out another way.
Anyway, I started thinking about 2 things. One where I was when I wrote something or when I was and all that. What my life was like. What I thought I was doing. Why I wrote a particular vocal or whatever. Secondly, I started missing playing. It's fine playing for church. It's nothing like writing for yourself. Nothing like playing your own stuff your way. Nothing like creating something from scratch with a group of guys who are like your brothers. (Or actually your brother in a couple instances.)
Playing someone else's stuff is just that. Someone else's. Granted playing at church it was all written for God and by his hand and I guess you could make the argument that He is in every string I will ever pluck. Every note I will ever sing. But He made me someone who connects with Him when it is something He has let me write.
Needless to say I miss my bands. I miss The Swift Retreat the most. Not because of its most recent proximity. That helps sure. But because it was the closest to what I was meant for that I had gotten. It was a gift from God in all senses. The guys I was in the group with. The stuff we got to make. It was the closest to the kind of stuff I would want to be a part of musically. Some tracks not so much but most. I wish we were able to step back into it. No harm in asking I suppose. I miss playing that way. Playing at church doesnt fill that gap. (Yes I know before I get 15 facebook messages or whatever. Jesus fills in the gaps in our lives. This is not an "I can't live without this" type of gap. It's an I love doing this gap.)
Anyway, if blogspot will let me, I am gonna post some music now. At least try to. Kind of a progression of bands I have been in from College.
Okay, it wont work. I will have to figure it out another way.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Don't Know What To Title This
So I think I am supposed to write something today. I am not really sure what but it feels like a day for writing. don't really have anything funny to talk about. It hasn't really been a funny week. Well minus some great instances but they would be hard to explain in writing.You can ask me sometime about Chris, and DeWayne as Santa. Very different story than you will be expecting. But it makes me and Chris laugh really freaking hard.
It was an interesting week to say the least. Lots going on. Lots to wade through. And feeling like I have truly been picking Jesus this week. At least i have been trying. Its not been easy the whole time. There are a lot of pieces right now that are really hard. I can feel the attack constantly and they are very tangible as well. There are so many things for me to feel dragged down by right now. To feel lesser than in. And this week I'm not picking it. I refuse to. While feeling really unsettled in the things going on around me, I'm surprisingly choosing steadiness in Jesus.
The major one right now is, I don't think I have ever been this poor in my entire life. Its a complete guess whether I am going to make it through a week before I get paid. Will I eat? Will I have the gas to get to work? What check is gonna bounce this time? What am I gonna have to find money to pay for this week that I really don't have? Currently its my car. Man it is such a status thing. I went through a lot of lemons when I got my license. I mean several. Up until I got my Passat a few years ago. I always hated driving crappy cars, and getting the nice one made it worse. And then the Passat was lost to me in ways I don't feel the need to discuss right now.
Anyway, then I made a dumb decision and bought something out of my price range cause I wanted something nice still and ended up having to give that away to my parents to pay for and drive. And I had to go back to a lemon. Its very stretching for me to drive a not nice car. It also means I dont care for it very well. Its trashed inside and could probably use being washed. And it doesn't help that it's a bit of a hoopty and is starting to fall apart. The radiator has busted for a 3rd time in like 5 months. And now the car wont start as a whole. Praying I just need a new battery. But even that has to wait till I get paid on Friday. Oh well. I'll do what I have to do.
But this is not a pity me blog. Was just on my mind obviously since I had to be dropped off at work today. Like I said. Not sure what is gonna be in this blog today. Its kind of turned into my public journal. No not a diary. A journal. But I think I'm supposed to be that. there was something Justin spoke over me our last night in life group. That I am supposed to be loved and love Jesus really privately and really openly. Like there is this strange dichotomy that only I will get. There are some places that no one but Jesus will ever know and places that everyone will. It's way more complicated than that. The way I just explained it sounds like, "duh, isnt that how everyone operates?" and like I said it is strange and harder to explain than that.
Point being that what seems like things that most people need to keep to themselves, I don't need to. I shouldn't. I am not even asking for financial help. Or expecting that someone will read this and want to donate to the "save Headley from the street fund". (there is a paypal account being set up. :) j/k) I don't really know why I would need to tell that. Except maybe to kill pride in my life. I cant really be prideful if everyone knows I am struggling now can i? Which is great in a way and really hard in others. I hate pitying eyes or even the thoughts of someone thinking "poor Jon". But maybe that is the parts of me that have always strived to be self sufficient that need to die. Maybe it's the pride of being able to take care of myself that has always kept me from trusting Jesus with it. Wow, this all sounds like it should be a big "no shit Headley". I know I am dense. DC Talk wrote the song The Hard Way thinking totally about me.
So I have to choose openness in the hard spots. The ones that I would want to hide away and not let anyone see that I am weak. I have to choose self disclosure in the areas I would always try to protect myself from pity or places that people could look down on me. Boo. It sucks. I'd rather just bury it and just look like everything is fine. And in all actuality, the less everything is okay, the more I can become okay. When everything is up for grabs and completely out of your control, the and part of "jesus and..." starts to disappear cause I start losing any choice with that other stuff. I cant create something from nothing so I have to lean into Him to do it for me because He can.
"That's some profound crap Headley." Yeah I can dig it.
It was an interesting week to say the least. Lots going on. Lots to wade through. And feeling like I have truly been picking Jesus this week. At least i have been trying. Its not been easy the whole time. There are a lot of pieces right now that are really hard. I can feel the attack constantly and they are very tangible as well. There are so many things for me to feel dragged down by right now. To feel lesser than in. And this week I'm not picking it. I refuse to. While feeling really unsettled in the things going on around me, I'm surprisingly choosing steadiness in Jesus.
The major one right now is, I don't think I have ever been this poor in my entire life. Its a complete guess whether I am going to make it through a week before I get paid. Will I eat? Will I have the gas to get to work? What check is gonna bounce this time? What am I gonna have to find money to pay for this week that I really don't have? Currently its my car. Man it is such a status thing. I went through a lot of lemons when I got my license. I mean several. Up until I got my Passat a few years ago. I always hated driving crappy cars, and getting the nice one made it worse. And then the Passat was lost to me in ways I don't feel the need to discuss right now.
Anyway, then I made a dumb decision and bought something out of my price range cause I wanted something nice still and ended up having to give that away to my parents to pay for and drive. And I had to go back to a lemon. Its very stretching for me to drive a not nice car. It also means I dont care for it very well. Its trashed inside and could probably use being washed. And it doesn't help that it's a bit of a hoopty and is starting to fall apart. The radiator has busted for a 3rd time in like 5 months. And now the car wont start as a whole. Praying I just need a new battery. But even that has to wait till I get paid on Friday. Oh well. I'll do what I have to do.
But this is not a pity me blog. Was just on my mind obviously since I had to be dropped off at work today. Like I said. Not sure what is gonna be in this blog today. Its kind of turned into my public journal. No not a diary. A journal. But I think I'm supposed to be that. there was something Justin spoke over me our last night in life group. That I am supposed to be loved and love Jesus really privately and really openly. Like there is this strange dichotomy that only I will get. There are some places that no one but Jesus will ever know and places that everyone will. It's way more complicated than that. The way I just explained it sounds like, "duh, isnt that how everyone operates?" and like I said it is strange and harder to explain than that.
Point being that what seems like things that most people need to keep to themselves, I don't need to. I shouldn't. I am not even asking for financial help. Or expecting that someone will read this and want to donate to the "save Headley from the street fund". (there is a paypal account being set up. :) j/k) I don't really know why I would need to tell that. Except maybe to kill pride in my life. I cant really be prideful if everyone knows I am struggling now can i? Which is great in a way and really hard in others. I hate pitying eyes or even the thoughts of someone thinking "poor Jon". But maybe that is the parts of me that have always strived to be self sufficient that need to die. Maybe it's the pride of being able to take care of myself that has always kept me from trusting Jesus with it. Wow, this all sounds like it should be a big "no shit Headley". I know I am dense. DC Talk wrote the song The Hard Way thinking totally about me.
So I have to choose openness in the hard spots. The ones that I would want to hide away and not let anyone see that I am weak. I have to choose self disclosure in the areas I would always try to protect myself from pity or places that people could look down on me. Boo. It sucks. I'd rather just bury it and just look like everything is fine. And in all actuality, the less everything is okay, the more I can become okay. When everything is up for grabs and completely out of your control, the and part of "jesus and..." starts to disappear cause I start losing any choice with that other stuff. I cant create something from nothing so I have to lean into Him to do it for me because He can.
"That's some profound crap Headley." Yeah I can dig it.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
On the Table
So I haven't written in a while. I'll warn you that this is a serious one and I am gonna have a hard time writing it.
So I have been needing to write this for a little bit. But I haven't been sure how to do it without putting myself completely up for grabs. I guess I just need to do it. Some of this is gonna be really vague and unfortunately even if I don't mention names, if they read this they will probably know just who they are. Kind of sucks but I have to get some stuff off my chest before I lose it. And unfortunately I think it has to be kind of publicly. Enough so that my heart is at risk in this to that healing is possible.
For those who don't know, its been what's called leadership month or ramp month at my church. All of August is pretty intense every year. Between Leadership Summit that Willow Creek puts on, Leadership Retreat that our church does and getting ready for Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, it feels like a massive hen of chickens scrambling around trying to find our heads. At least that is how this one has felt to me.
I've been called up in ways I don't know that I had done the work to be ready for but it was time to go. And at the same time, I haven't felt this low, exposed, vulnerable and kind of worthless in a very long time.
Let's start at the beginning. ... Ha! I don't even know where the beginning is. Man this isn't gonna be easy. Okay let's start with Summit I think. So there is a satellite location here in Lexington that the Summit gets broadcast live to. That's where I went last year and where I thought I was going again this year. Seems Jesus had other plans. Our church sends some of the lead people to the Chicago site to actually be at Willow Creek. Who knew I was gonna get asked to go this year. It caught me way off guard and cost a lot of money which I am still gonna have to work on paying off. But even though I knew I couldn't afford it, I knew it was worth the money and the possibility of an empty bank account for months to come. And I may have spent too long asking the wrong question.
I went out there asking the entire time why I was asked to go. I may have missed some stuff along the way cause I was on the wrong pages. Why is it so freaking difficult for me to just believe what Jesus says about me and what my leaders see in me. I am worth the investment to be a leader in His kingdom and I am loved and worth something. I only tend to see the evidence to the contrary. Not good. Anyway, Connie helped me get out of that question a little bit which helped me catch up to where I needed to be for the weekend.
Lots of great talks out there that really started stirring things up in me. Lots about what I should be doing with my life, my call, my time with Jesus, how I listen for His voice. Lots of stuff. I don't think a whole lot of it needs to be gone into right now except that last part a little bit. How I hear His voice. I never thought I did. Something Bill Hybels said made me reconsider. Listening for the small whispers of the Holy Spirit. I don't know that that is a voice I had ever paid attention to. I think I spend most of my time looking for the big lightning bolt or for the scream in my ear that says "GO THIS WAY" "DO THIS THING". And so here I sit feeling stuck. When all along there have been small whispers that I have disregarded as my own voice and my own desires or what not. And fact is that some of it may have real legs from Jesus as things for me to really consider and spend time with. Anyway, that was important for the rest of the month.
Oh before Summit, finally moved to a new house. Still haven't really been able to get settled cause of that chicken phenomena I mentioned. Still have a lot of unpacking to do but I am so tired right now that I get to the house and just sit. I need to clean up though.
So moving on, I think I am gonna go backwards for a second. As part of the ramp to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, I was asked to lead the ream that would be doing programming for Questapalooza. Basically the idea engine behind what sorts of things would be in the field and how transitions on the stage would look. That ask came with its own set of issues. From how I don't like last minute things to how I lead people. Not all bad, actually turned out to be mainly good in a lot of ways. I'm not sure why I was asked to be in that spot. But to say I disagree with that being the right one for me is to basically disagree with what Jesus was wanting to do in me by having me there, and do in the people I was/am leading. More to come on that probably after this weekend which is QPZA.
Okay on to other things. I'll get to Leadership retreat in a moment. But there is some set up for that one.
2 big things sit atop my list of greatest desires/dreams/wants. Family and Music. Having my own family that went on the road with me while I was playing shows. I think I have previously mentioned this thought in earlier blogs. Here is the issue. That dream has never been further from reality. Here I sit very single and very bandless. This has been hard for me to swallow. Let me take them one at a time though.
I thought the music thing was starting to be freed up in my heart a lot. I thought my picture of what I was supposed to be doing with music was changing. Still do. Still seeing lots of potential for other things that still put me in music. That's not an explanation for now. Ask me later. But practice for worship last week let me know how up for grabs that part of my heart still is. Being on stage has always been the most safe and uncomfortable spot for me. It had always been a place where I could find acceptance cause I could sing well or write a good song and perform well. And at the same time it is vulnerable cause I know I lack the ability to do some stuff guitar wise and it bothers me. So anytime my abilities are called into question I take it really personal and have tended to shut down. Well that felt like it happened last Thursday and I did just that. I shut down. Justin called me out on it and there I am after practice standing on stage crying about not being able to play a stupid guitar part. It feels so childish and dumb and it is so attached to my heart to be accepted that way I guess. Not great but it is.
And it was so linked to a song that we were doing that I long to be a part of and worked so hard on. It blew to sit down for it and be expected to help listen to guitar sounds and all that. I know the flow of that song better than anyone on the music team and exactly where parts go and when something is missing. And I don't get to play it. It was a song that marked me pretty substantially at Leadership Retreat which I will get to. And I don't get to play it. And probably won't. It struck me really deep and left the door open for other vulnerable areas over the last week. I missed out on really entering in to the last worship experience we would have in this auditorium cause I was so hurt by that and didn't know how to say so.
There are other pieces that hit me pretty hard from music team. It feels so confusing sometimes. I get told one second I am made to be doing this and am supposed to be on the stage at certain key points for our church, and I am not a part of our kickoff in our new auditorium this weekend. I'm supposed to be at all the practices this week to help with guitar tones and listening and what not, but don't get to be on stage for the first time we open this building. That added to the other stuff this week to just be really sad all week. And even me saying yes to something I don't need to be doing. Which I got to retract and step out of. I want the weekend to be as close to perfect as it can be and that means I don't need to be doing this thing just so I can be on stage. It still hurts and hits places that I know it Inst intended to but it did. It called out my self worth and spoke to, you're not good enough places which I know it shouldn't have. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore so I will move on.
All this stuff left me really open for a hit in the other spot of not having my own family. Being divorced makes it really hard to let this one go. Having been cheated on makes it that much worse. And unfortunately, no one can be in this one with me. Jesus can, but I am having so much trouble connecting to Him and am trying so hard to right now. None of my circle of friends or leaders will ever get what that kind of betrayal does. I don't want them to. But it makes me feel alone in it. By the way, I thought I had dealt with all this already and was done with it. Turns out I was wrong.
And so there was someone I was wanting to ask out. And of my own choice I am gonna follow my leaders and take everything to them. Especially to Accelerate leader. Basically, right now I am not supposed to ask this person out for reasons I will not get in to. Hell I don't even know if this person would be interested anyway. The old me automatically says no most of the time. And that's where the vulnerable part comes in this week. Not even with this particular person. It hits with another situation that hit close to home. Man this is difficult. I think I am supposed to leave this part out cause it is incriminating to others and I don't know how to write it without being really straight forward and that would out some other people to things that they don't need to be.
The thing it did to me was call out a lot of past "why not me voices. why are they special and not me. why am i so easily overlooked." Out of that comes a lot of insecurity about my weight, my ability, my stance with my friends, my worth. I hate going to the gym. And thus far the only reason I have for it is I am tired of being fat and overlooked. Yeah that's how screwed up my head is at times. I'm just as nice a guy, just as funny, blah blah blah. So the only determining factor has always come back to that. Pissed. I hate that voice.
Dammit. This thing is long already and I haven't even gotten to retreat. Retreat started shifting a lot of stuff. I went into retreat with starting into this whole thing with feeling like I had been cut open without my knowledge. That's why this blog is called On the Table. I feel liked I have been put under for surgery against my will. It started before retreat, was dug into a lot at retreat, and has been sprawled wide open over the last week. My chest is cut wide open and there are hands rolling around in side of my trying to pull out the tumors that encase my heart. They are rooted in really thickly though. I laid down a lot of stuff at retreat. Left in in Jesus' hands to mold. Man its not easy. I have this big exposed wound that He is trying to stitch up but I am letting bleed out. Choosing listening to the voices of the enemy who taunts me and wants to pull me down. I can't listen to that one anymore. Been asking Jesus really hard since yesterday to show me His love. He started last night with talks with Justin and a more intense one with Sharon. I believe both of them when they tell me they love me. I believe them more than any other people in my life next to my parents. And I know they are speaking to me cause Jesus is speaking through them. "Come on Jon! Stop fighting it! You have to get this one!" Probably the harshest and most loving and most exposing thing I have heard in my entire life.
Is today better? I don't know yet. There is still a lot of work to be done. I am more willing to let the work be done and do the work to agree with it? Yes that's part of the reason I am writing this. This is maybe the most exposing thing I have ever written. I risk turning people off. I risk people looking at me with pity. I risk being too known. I risk scaring people and a particular someone off. I risk a lot of myself in this one. I risk having people ask me about this stuff and call me out on this stuff when they see me going back or locking down. I risk people I don't want to ask me those questions asking and then having to choose how I will respond to them. Wow, I felt up for grabs yesterday. I feel way more up for grabs now. This one is okay. I'm safe.
So I have been needing to write this for a little bit. But I haven't been sure how to do it without putting myself completely up for grabs. I guess I just need to do it. Some of this is gonna be really vague and unfortunately even if I don't mention names, if they read this they will probably know just who they are. Kind of sucks but I have to get some stuff off my chest before I lose it. And unfortunately I think it has to be kind of publicly. Enough so that my heart is at risk in this to that healing is possible.
For those who don't know, its been what's called leadership month or ramp month at my church. All of August is pretty intense every year. Between Leadership Summit that Willow Creek puts on, Leadership Retreat that our church does and getting ready for Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, it feels like a massive hen of chickens scrambling around trying to find our heads. At least that is how this one has felt to me.
I've been called up in ways I don't know that I had done the work to be ready for but it was time to go. And at the same time, I haven't felt this low, exposed, vulnerable and kind of worthless in a very long time.
Let's start at the beginning. ... Ha! I don't even know where the beginning is. Man this isn't gonna be easy. Okay let's start with Summit I think. So there is a satellite location here in Lexington that the Summit gets broadcast live to. That's where I went last year and where I thought I was going again this year. Seems Jesus had other plans. Our church sends some of the lead people to the Chicago site to actually be at Willow Creek. Who knew I was gonna get asked to go this year. It caught me way off guard and cost a lot of money which I am still gonna have to work on paying off. But even though I knew I couldn't afford it, I knew it was worth the money and the possibility of an empty bank account for months to come. And I may have spent too long asking the wrong question.
I went out there asking the entire time why I was asked to go. I may have missed some stuff along the way cause I was on the wrong pages. Why is it so freaking difficult for me to just believe what Jesus says about me and what my leaders see in me. I am worth the investment to be a leader in His kingdom and I am loved and worth something. I only tend to see the evidence to the contrary. Not good. Anyway, Connie helped me get out of that question a little bit which helped me catch up to where I needed to be for the weekend.
Lots of great talks out there that really started stirring things up in me. Lots about what I should be doing with my life, my call, my time with Jesus, how I listen for His voice. Lots of stuff. I don't think a whole lot of it needs to be gone into right now except that last part a little bit. How I hear His voice. I never thought I did. Something Bill Hybels said made me reconsider. Listening for the small whispers of the Holy Spirit. I don't know that that is a voice I had ever paid attention to. I think I spend most of my time looking for the big lightning bolt or for the scream in my ear that says "GO THIS WAY" "DO THIS THING". And so here I sit feeling stuck. When all along there have been small whispers that I have disregarded as my own voice and my own desires or what not. And fact is that some of it may have real legs from Jesus as things for me to really consider and spend time with. Anyway, that was important for the rest of the month.
Oh before Summit, finally moved to a new house. Still haven't really been able to get settled cause of that chicken phenomena I mentioned. Still have a lot of unpacking to do but I am so tired right now that I get to the house and just sit. I need to clean up though.
So moving on, I think I am gonna go backwards for a second. As part of the ramp to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza, I was asked to lead the ream that would be doing programming for Questapalooza. Basically the idea engine behind what sorts of things would be in the field and how transitions on the stage would look. That ask came with its own set of issues. From how I don't like last minute things to how I lead people. Not all bad, actually turned out to be mainly good in a lot of ways. I'm not sure why I was asked to be in that spot. But to say I disagree with that being the right one for me is to basically disagree with what Jesus was wanting to do in me by having me there, and do in the people I was/am leading. More to come on that probably after this weekend which is QPZA.
Okay on to other things. I'll get to Leadership retreat in a moment. But there is some set up for that one.
2 big things sit atop my list of greatest desires/dreams/wants. Family and Music. Having my own family that went on the road with me while I was playing shows. I think I have previously mentioned this thought in earlier blogs. Here is the issue. That dream has never been further from reality. Here I sit very single and very bandless. This has been hard for me to swallow. Let me take them one at a time though.
I thought the music thing was starting to be freed up in my heart a lot. I thought my picture of what I was supposed to be doing with music was changing. Still do. Still seeing lots of potential for other things that still put me in music. That's not an explanation for now. Ask me later. But practice for worship last week let me know how up for grabs that part of my heart still is. Being on stage has always been the most safe and uncomfortable spot for me. It had always been a place where I could find acceptance cause I could sing well or write a good song and perform well. And at the same time it is vulnerable cause I know I lack the ability to do some stuff guitar wise and it bothers me. So anytime my abilities are called into question I take it really personal and have tended to shut down. Well that felt like it happened last Thursday and I did just that. I shut down. Justin called me out on it and there I am after practice standing on stage crying about not being able to play a stupid guitar part. It feels so childish and dumb and it is so attached to my heart to be accepted that way I guess. Not great but it is.
And it was so linked to a song that we were doing that I long to be a part of and worked so hard on. It blew to sit down for it and be expected to help listen to guitar sounds and all that. I know the flow of that song better than anyone on the music team and exactly where parts go and when something is missing. And I don't get to play it. It was a song that marked me pretty substantially at Leadership Retreat which I will get to. And I don't get to play it. And probably won't. It struck me really deep and left the door open for other vulnerable areas over the last week. I missed out on really entering in to the last worship experience we would have in this auditorium cause I was so hurt by that and didn't know how to say so.
There are other pieces that hit me pretty hard from music team. It feels so confusing sometimes. I get told one second I am made to be doing this and am supposed to be on the stage at certain key points for our church, and I am not a part of our kickoff in our new auditorium this weekend. I'm supposed to be at all the practices this week to help with guitar tones and listening and what not, but don't get to be on stage for the first time we open this building. That added to the other stuff this week to just be really sad all week. And even me saying yes to something I don't need to be doing. Which I got to retract and step out of. I want the weekend to be as close to perfect as it can be and that means I don't need to be doing this thing just so I can be on stage. It still hurts and hits places that I know it Inst intended to but it did. It called out my self worth and spoke to, you're not good enough places which I know it shouldn't have. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore so I will move on.
All this stuff left me really open for a hit in the other spot of not having my own family. Being divorced makes it really hard to let this one go. Having been cheated on makes it that much worse. And unfortunately, no one can be in this one with me. Jesus can, but I am having so much trouble connecting to Him and am trying so hard to right now. None of my circle of friends or leaders will ever get what that kind of betrayal does. I don't want them to. But it makes me feel alone in it. By the way, I thought I had dealt with all this already and was done with it. Turns out I was wrong.
And so there was someone I was wanting to ask out. And of my own choice I am gonna follow my leaders and take everything to them. Especially to Accelerate leader. Basically, right now I am not supposed to ask this person out for reasons I will not get in to. Hell I don't even know if this person would be interested anyway. The old me automatically says no most of the time. And that's where the vulnerable part comes in this week. Not even with this particular person. It hits with another situation that hit close to home. Man this is difficult. I think I am supposed to leave this part out cause it is incriminating to others and I don't know how to write it without being really straight forward and that would out some other people to things that they don't need to be.
The thing it did to me was call out a lot of past "why not me voices. why are they special and not me. why am i so easily overlooked." Out of that comes a lot of insecurity about my weight, my ability, my stance with my friends, my worth. I hate going to the gym. And thus far the only reason I have for it is I am tired of being fat and overlooked. Yeah that's how screwed up my head is at times. I'm just as nice a guy, just as funny, blah blah blah. So the only determining factor has always come back to that. Pissed. I hate that voice.
Dammit. This thing is long already and I haven't even gotten to retreat. Retreat started shifting a lot of stuff. I went into retreat with starting into this whole thing with feeling like I had been cut open without my knowledge. That's why this blog is called On the Table. I feel liked I have been put under for surgery against my will. It started before retreat, was dug into a lot at retreat, and has been sprawled wide open over the last week. My chest is cut wide open and there are hands rolling around in side of my trying to pull out the tumors that encase my heart. They are rooted in really thickly though. I laid down a lot of stuff at retreat. Left in in Jesus' hands to mold. Man its not easy. I have this big exposed wound that He is trying to stitch up but I am letting bleed out. Choosing listening to the voices of the enemy who taunts me and wants to pull me down. I can't listen to that one anymore. Been asking Jesus really hard since yesterday to show me His love. He started last night with talks with Justin and a more intense one with Sharon. I believe both of them when they tell me they love me. I believe them more than any other people in my life next to my parents. And I know they are speaking to me cause Jesus is speaking through them. "Come on Jon! Stop fighting it! You have to get this one!" Probably the harshest and most loving and most exposing thing I have heard in my entire life.
Is today better? I don't know yet. There is still a lot of work to be done. I am more willing to let the work be done and do the work to agree with it? Yes that's part of the reason I am writing this. This is maybe the most exposing thing I have ever written. I risk turning people off. I risk people looking at me with pity. I risk being too known. I risk scaring people and a particular someone off. I risk a lot of myself in this one. I risk having people ask me about this stuff and call me out on this stuff when they see me going back or locking down. I risk people I don't want to ask me those questions asking and then having to choose how I will respond to them. Wow, I felt up for grabs yesterday. I feel way more up for grabs now. This one is okay. I'm safe.
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