Man, I really haven't had anything funny to say or write about in a bit. Lots of "serious" stuff. But such is the case. Writing is good for me. Helps me get stuff off my chest that may be weighing me down. I suck at journaling in a book cause it involves taking the extra time to get it out. I am at a computer all the time, so sitting and typing is a pretty easy way to go about it. I could open a word document and write there and keep my thoughts private, but whats the point. I'm okay being an exposed person. Granted, I am not going to write everything for the entire reading public to know, but I figure most of what I do write is okay subject matter.
This weeks post finds me a little disappointed. Feeling a little less than. And in the end I guess a little selfish as a result. It's pretty gross and I am trying to shake it as quickly as possible. Trying to ask Jesus to shed some light on some stuff for me.
The weekend had some unexpected twist. And some things I allowed my heart to hope for, or that I over dreamed or something, that missed my mark so I am disappointed. We'll start with Friday.
Friday in essence brought 2 things to a boiling point that are close to my heart. My big life dream was always 2 fold. To have a family of my own and that family would be on the road with me cause I was getting to do music as a career. The most beautiful picture I have ever gotten in my head involved walking down the street in a random city that I was gonna be performing in that night, with my daughter on my shoulders probably dropping her ice cream on my head and my wife on my arm probably trying to help clean up.
Well Friday through Sunday hit me with a stark reality. Those dreams couldn't be farther from reality than they are right now. And it hurts quite a bit. This is not where I envisioned myself being when I turned 28. I'm a divorced guy who hasn't been with anyone in almost 3 years, and have to delay further asking someone out that I want to. I know it is for the best and that it is the right thing, and still hard. And on the other part, at my leading, the most recent band I was in that I had a lot of hope and promise for is no more. I was more hurt by that than the word to wait on a date.
We pulled the plug on TSR for right now. I'm the one that started the conversation with the boys. I knew it was the right thing and that we would all be on the same pages. And I barely spoke about it to anyone. I haven't even written about it yet. And it hit me Friday how truly saddened and a bit heart broken I am about it. Yeah on music levels. But it also feels like I lost something. Like I have lost that connection with those guys. I still see them all the time. We still hang out. But Friday was set aside for us to connect in a way many people don't get. Playing music together in that way is such a gift to those of us who do it. And those 4 guys were a gift for me to get to play with. And I hadn't let myself realize how truly sad I was to let that go. And in the end here I stand with my dreams in pieces.
Its not easy at all. I'm surrounded by people who have pieces of the life I want. Families and children all around me. Relationships forming all around me. And even getting to hear about friends having musical opportunities that are only dreams for me. I am proud of and excited for every one of those people and what they get to be a part of. I don't hate being around it. But I am not gonna lie and say I am not jealous.
I trust Jesus. I really do. I know what He has in store for me is far better than what I am dreaming. But I cant see for myself as far as He can for me. So I feel at a loss in some ways. I'm asking for answers. Maybe I'm not ready to hear them, but I man do I want to be.
My actual birthday was also a let down. Was last year too. I know there were a couple blogs I wrote about it not mattering and it was just another year. I know I had even said that to people. I'm very aware that that was me trying to protect myself. So if no one did anything for me, then I wouldn't be hurt or let down cause it was just another day.
Please Please Please do not think I do not appreciate the surprise party that was thrown for me 2 weeks ago. I do. I really love all my friends who got to show up for it. I guess I let comparison slip in though. Let myself believe I don't measure up to what I have seen done for others. Once again, gross and selfish and pathetic. Man it feels like I took 2 steps forward with the week on Rooted and then this week I have taken 5 back into my own stupid crap.
Jesus help me do a quick work with this so I don't go into Ichthus this weekend with this sitting on me. I want to be clean of it. Especially the music parts. Watching so many bands get to do what I long to do. This year I am called to be an alter minister. Let me do that clean hearted. Let's just bring a ton of your kids home this weekend. That's what matters.
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