Men Fashion No Nos

Okay, I know I am not the foremost authority on fashion. I am by no means claiming to be. I dress pretty, what I like to call, Hobo-Chique most of the time. But when I want to I can dress up and look damn good doing it.

But I know what is a bad idea to wear most of the time. (Sometimes I choose to do what I want anyway.) But there are 2 articles of clothing that really do not sit well with me. 2 things that men wear that are just dreadful things.

A. The Man-Pri. BOOOOOOOO!!!!! You have no idea how upset these things make me. I mean I hate women's capris too. What a ridiculous invention. Some how this faux pant / faux short is supposed to be a good idea. I mean look at that picture and tell me why this bag should not just be wearing pants. These things are stopping just above his ankle anyway.

They may be the most ridiculous things ever. Yeah capris in general tick me off. And the explanation I have gotten for them from women is just ludicrous. Something about them still being shorts and breezy but hiding trouble legs. Or its pretty normal that a girl with big calves will tell me that it detracts from how big her legs are. How is this possibly a valid thought process? How does something that stops directly in the middle of the calf, most of the time, detract from your calves? In all truth it accentuates them.

Well at least women have some semblance of a shotty excuse for wearing these blights on fashion. Men you have no excuse. Men's shorts are pretty long anyway. Most stop just past the knee as it is. What is the point in making them longer and adding a drawstring tassel at the end? Are you kidding me? Either get a pair of pants or get some shorts. I am sorry but your ankles having a little bit more of a breeze is not going to cool your entire body, as you seem to think it will. If you really feel the need to show off your ankles, it would be much more prudent to just roll up your jeans. Same effect, you look retarded and your ankles get a breeze. But at least in this scenario you have the option of not looking like a complete waste of my air all day long by knowing that you have a low enough brain capacity that marketing agents at these trendy fashion magazines were able to dupe you into spending $100 on a pair of hemp pants that they cut off 4 inches from the bottom.

I have been known to roll up my jeans. By no means is this a fashion statement. If I roll to the length of the image from above, it is because it is raining and I don’t feel like having water sloshing up on my legs for my trek through the muck. If it is cause it is hot, they get rolled as high as I can which generally is just below the knee where a real pair of shorts would stop. Come on guys, think it through. Do you really want to look like a retard all day?

B. My next big no no and one of my biggest pet peeves ever is the popped collar on the pastel colored polo shirt. The frat boy’s uniform of choice. I want you to go to google and type in the words "popped collar" in the image search and see how quick and easy it is to find a guy with a pink polo with a popped collar. I mean it was like the first image to come up. Actually of the first 20 images I got to show up, 8 of the images were guys in pink polos with the collars popped.

I really don’t have anything against the pink polo. It’s a fine enough item. And most men are afraid to wear pink. It somehow detracts from their manhood.

Let me go ahead and tell you that just because you have the gall to wear pink does not make you secure in your manhood. It is obvious that you are not. You add the popped collar and the cocky attitude and the awkwardly placed hat to let everyone know how cool you are so that you can feel validated.

POPPED COLLAR IS NOT EQUAL TO COOL! POPPED COLLAR EQUALS PUNCH IN THE FACE FROM BIG BLACK MAN!

That's right. I said it. They make me want to punch you in the face. Now I probably wouldn't punch either of the guys in these pictures. I would feel bad knocking out a little guy. But you know those giant corn fed frat guys who think they get a pass cause they are on the football team. Sitting the bench as a 3rd string Line Back does not give you a pass. It makes you a target.

The biggest stockpile of these stains on human fashion in Lexington is Saddle Ridge. I stood outside that place once. Friends on the patio looking completely depressed, trying to convince me and the others I was with that it would be a good idea to go inside. Then a group of 15 really hot women walked inside. That was incentive in the idea of going in. But not enough, as about 20 minutes later as we are still debating, like 20-25 guys, all in pastel hued polos with collars flying, walked through the doors. Paying the $5 cover and keeping me from the worst mistake of my life.

What would have transpired had I gone inside? I would probably have gotten in a fight. This was maybe a month after the wife had moved out and I was already in a pretty ongoing foul mood. There was really awful music playing, there was a lot of alcohol and there were stockpiles of frat boys for me to pick a fight with or for them to pick one with me. And in a drunken state I would have been more than happy to oblige. And it would have been quite the brawl, since that night, all my boys were out in force. I am talking about 20 guys all in the 6-foot tall range and for the most part big boys who can handle ourselves. It would have been us verse the rest of the bar and I would have totally put your money on us. And then the cops would show and I would have had to have my dad bail me and my little brother out of jail. Stellar.

Anyway, I digress. Needless to say that these 2 items of clothing get me pretty riled up. And if worn in tandem, I can only imagine the carnage that would ensue.