The Art of The Hug

Okay so here is the first in a series of rantings that I am sure you are so excited to read.

There is an art to giving a good hug. I am told I give pretty good ones. I am not calling myself an authority or anything like that. Just giving my personal opinion on what I consider a good hug, and what your "hugging language" might be saying.

Now there are obviously differences between hugging someone of the same sex as yourself and hugging someone of the opposite sex. Girls I am going to let you figure out the Girl/Girl hug on your own. As I will never understand how you all think I cannot therefor make comment on a subject that will never involve me.

The Guy/Guy Hug
There are definite no nos in the guy guy hug. Let me start by saying that the side hug between dudes is generally not a solid idea. It has its place every now and then but is not normal. Now there is a difference between a side hug and the "I've got my arm around the shoulders of my buddy and we are just chilling here." Now where the side hug often requires waste action on someones part, the buddy stand holds to the shoulder region. It can be an uncomfortable position should there be a significant height difference between the parties involved and then waste is required by the shorter of the 2. But closely heighted people can often stand comfortably with both parties able to put their arm up around the back of the neck and onto the opposite shoulder.

The constitution of those involved and the level of friendship will determine how long this stance will last. That is left up to those involved and there is no required amount of time.

The standard guy/guy hug is very simple. It is the hand shake that morphs itself into a hug. Both parties enter with the right hand for a nice firm shake. The left arm then goes around the outside of the shoulder. The right hand tends to end up somewhere in the middle of the back and give a firm but not "I'm gonna shatter your spine" pat. This pat can be done either with an open hand or with a fist. I know the fist sounds mean but it is not. And the fist is often resorted to when the hug is with someone you haven't seen in some time. It somehow makes the hug more impactful and meaningful.

The same goes for the direct guy/guy hug. Where the handshake can serve as a barrier between people, the straight hug is the more intimate of the 2. There is a specific way to go about this. It is best that everyone be on the same page so as to avoid the "which way are you gonna go so we dont look like we are about to kiss."

The right arm of both parties goes up as the left arm goes down. This basically creates an x pattern with the arms. The head always goes to the left. Basically each dudes right cheek are in touching proximity. Generally there is not a cheek touch. If there is space to keep faces separated, that is recommended. Some dudes have bigger heads or arms than others that can cause a cheek touch. This is not a bad thing, it just may shorten the length of the hug based on how comfortable each person is with such a thing.

Now there are other guy/guy hugs that just get awkward. They are generally saved for the guy/girl section and can make for an awkward situation. As guys are generally very okay with not touching each other, sticking to these forms will save an awkward situation.

The Guy/Girl Hug
There are many forms of hugs between guys and girls depending on the level of friendship or intimacy between the parties. You would also think that there should be a hug instigator at all times for these hugs. And that generally one would let the girl be the one to let you know how much or what kind of a hug is going to be allowed. But this is not always the case. So there is no real rule to follow on when it is okay. Just watch your cues. There is a fine line between friends hugging and a creepy guy giving you a hug you dont want. Or a scary girl freaking you out. You tend to know pretty well the bonds that have been formed between you and your friends or loved ones. Unless of course relational intelligence just completely flies over your head.

First, the side hug. Most all of these hugs are pretty easy to come by as girls tend to be the shorter of the parties involved. The side hug falls easily in that realm. Generally a pretty quick hug, it just involves the guy putting his arm around the back and shoulders of the girl as the girl places her arm around the back and waste. Pretty simple.

Girls, as is the case with all these hugs, it is okay to lean into the guys chest. Head on chest does not signify that you want to get with this guy. It does however say we are friends, this hug is okay and I am not afraid of you. In all cases, if you stiffen up and keep an upright posture, you are going to tend to send the signal that you are offput by this whole situation. Dont nuzzle and make cooing noisesor anything like that. That will freak him out unless you are dating said person. But it is okay to lean in. He's a big strapping man who can support you.

Next there are a couple types of straight forward hugs. Well not really. There are just various arm positions. And it is important to know that most friendships between girls and guys will start with the side hug. It is the beginnings of a close relationship. But there is still the levels of knowing where you stand with this person, which isnt as hard to decipher when dealing with the same sex. Unfortunately gender lines exist and need to be minded.

Most of the time because the girl is shorter than the guy, the arms are going to tend to go around the waste of the guy as the arms of the guy are around the shoulders and head of the girl. Now guys, your intent is not to smother the girl. But the arms up high draw in and add a level of comfort and "this is a safe place where I can relax." Girls its okay to give a squeeze around the waste. And length of these hugs are indeterminate. Generally one person or the other begins the pull away.

The next more intimate hug is when the girl reaches up and puts their arms around the neck and head of the guy as the guys arms are then around her waste. These hugs are generally from a deep love that has formed between friends. I say generally. And I dont mean they are "involved." But there is a connection a lot of times. This is also a hug that often happens when friends havent seen each other in a while. It is also a hug that can be kind of fun as the guy then has the leverage and stability to pick the girl up should that be something that seems like it is in the cards. Now the pick up is generally found in a dating relationship, but works for long lost friends as well.

Girls if you are taller than the guy, this is going to tend to be the way you have to go. It is not common but it does happen. And height matters in this one. Sometimes the girl has to work more to perform this hug. It can be difficult if there is a significant height difference. And that is part of the advancement in intimacy of this one. It is more involved and means that more effort is put in. It is also harder for a guy to get his arms into a proper position around a girls waste should she be a lt shorter than he is.

Now the x pattern hug that was discussed in the guy/guy section is also allowed and used in the guy/girl hug. It has a level of familiarity but at the same time can be more impersonal than the side hug. Guys especially would normally rather do a side hug than the x hug with girls. I dont have an explanation for why. But I have a feeling that the same goes for most girls. And sometimes it is just a speed thing. And there are levels of intimacy that are added by the length of this hug and if you are hugging a person and telling them something. Not whispering sweet nothings in their ear, but maybe giving them an encouragement or telling them you love them from a really honest place of friendship.

NOTE: Guys, if the girl starts the pull away, that means the hug is over. Dont be a putz and keep holding on. You will freak her out. If it is a girl that you like and someday would like to date, this fact is very important. Right now you are just friends. And maybe never more. But to pull her back in will creep her out and future friend hugs will become less likely and future dating possibilities will be even more scarce. Girls, do what you want for the most part. Even if the guy is a bit weirded out, you really arent going to do any harm. We have a short memory of things like that. Unless of course you are just creepy to us to begin with. If we were already creeped out by you, you should be able to tell. Of course the creepy girls never really know they are creepy do they. If he willingly offers to hug you and you dont have to ask, your fine. You should know how good of a friend you are with this guy. Girls are generally more relationally and emotionally on point than guys are. But in general you are okay to pull back in or hold on longer. We wont mind. And not that is not a physical or sexual thing. We just wont mind.

One last hug I want to discuss. The back hug. One person walks up behind another and puts their arms around their shoulders and neck area. Generally the party that is up front will reach up and hold on to the arms of the person behind them in some fashion. Guys this is not a natural hug for men to do together. It is awkward and weird. But I have been known to be in this situation and I am completely secure in my manhood and know that we are great friends who goof off and its kind of funny. Girls it is very difficult for you to be the person in the back in this form of hug. Generally if you are it is because you are dating the person. And also generally your arms will go around his waste and not his shoulders and you are leaning into his back and holding on tight to him. Now if you are performing this hug to a guy that is just a friend, they are generally a really good friend and there is generally a continuation that comes pretty quickly. The turnaround and into one of the other forms of hugs. In a dating relationship the back hug will tend to last a lot longer. It also depends on whether the person you are hugging was talking to someone else and that is why you approached them from behind to give them this hug. Guys make sure your arms are in an appropriate place. Around the shoulders. Do not go lower and be an idiot who is just a dirty perve. You might get slapped. If you are dating the girl, I still say go around the shoulders. For something more intimate still, you can put your arms in low around their waste and put your head in close to theirs. Or wrap theirs arms intertwined with yours to form the full hug. This hug involves very intentional planning all around and is not for the relationally challenged at all.

I believe that ends this lesson. Stay tuned for more. And yes I could have typed more and made this much longer. That is the nature of the longwinded rant.