Recap

So the last few weeks have been pretty good. I don't remember the last direct thing I wrote. I suppose I could check. Hold on a sec. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Got it.

The good times have pretty much continued. Not without their struggles, but they still pale in comparison to what my life is really about now. I've really got nothing to complain about. My car being in the shop with a list of 5 things to get fixed? Who cares. I bought it knowing it would need something soon and drove it as long as it would go without getting fixed. Such is life. Getting a bit screwed by the rental car place? That's okay. I got to return the 15 year old girl car they gave me to drive and borrow a friends car instead. Yeah they took forever to get my money back to me, but i scrounged and made it through.

Pray for this job I applied for at LCA. Part of me really wants it. Part of me doesn't. While the schedule of a teacher would be awesome and I would probably get paid more than I do now, and I would get benefits which I don't have at all, it feels very much like growing up. Have to take out my lip ring and my plugs if I get it. Can I wear a spacer for my lip and put the ring in after work? Who knows. But it would probably be a really good opportunity. I also don't actually know how good I will be at teaching. But I guess if Jesus wants me there, it will work out.

I need to clear my thoughts a bit before I can write anything really coherent right now. So I will cut this one here. Still trying to come up with a good rant topic or some form of advice column. If there are ideas out there that people are actually interested in hearing my opinion on, let me know. If it is worth the writing, I will do it.

On the Heel's of Amazing...

Lots and lots to write about. I am gonna keep it brief though for right now.

A. This weekend was amazing. Thousands of youth and adults opened their hearts to Jesus at Ichthus. Pete's talk Saturday night was so clear and I got to stand in awe and watch probably 4000 people stand to their feet cause they want Jesus.

B. I got to be a part of celebrating 8 guys for that decision. I got to be the one that let them know what just really happened for them when they stood up to say yes to Jesus. I got to look into the eyes of 6 youth kids and 2 older guys and tell them how loved and forgiven and redeemed and worthy they are.

C. Friday, I got to lead my first person to Jesus. I got to be a part of placing Logan's hand in the hand of Jesus. I got to see confusion turn to joy and assurance for a 17 year old guy. Freaking amazing. I got to meet his friend Sam who had just surrendered her life 20 minutes earlier and stirred stuff up in Logan because of how changed she was in an instant. She was beaming and just ready to tell everyone and because of her faithfulness to the call, 20 minutes later, her friend was home too. And then because of the 2 of them being ready to tell everyone, 5 more of their friends were in the prayer tent Saturday night. Way to go you guys. Earth just got rocked by 2 faithful followers of Jesus.

D. On the heel's of seeing God do the miraculous and letting me be a part, we are floored by a surprise loss. Grams, Chris and Brit's grandmother, Rachel's mom went to be with Jesus. She was like another grandmother to me whenever I got to see her. She reminded me so much of my grandma who passed 2 years ago. The love for life and for Jesus was lived out daily. She will be sorely missed. And in the midst of mourning, we know where Grams is. She is getting to meet her savior face to face. She is hearing directly from the lips of the most high "well done." And a personal gift for me, I felt like I got to talk to my beloved Grandma for a minute and ask her to meet Grams at the gates. They never met here on earth but man would they have been good friends. So I get to believe that right now, my Grandma is singing her heart out and Grams is dancing away and they are worshipping Jesus together and getting to know each other. How can I be too sad with that image in my mind. Yeah I'm crying and it feels so joyful. It's so hopeful.

Every bit of this weekend has shaken me to my core in ways that I will never recover from. Jesus said I was worthy to help bring someone home to Him. And as I will miss Grams and I miss my Grandma, I have so much assurance at this very moment that they are smiling over me and I will see them again when I get to go home. This is the best Monday of my freaking life and I haven't slept in 4 days. :) Praise God.

Me on the Back Burner

Man, I really haven't had anything funny to say or write about in a bit. Lots of "serious" stuff. But such is the case. Writing is good for me. Helps me get stuff off my chest that may be weighing me down. I suck at journaling in a book cause it involves taking the extra time to get it out. I am at a computer all the time, so sitting and typing is a pretty easy way to go about it. I could open a word document and write there and keep my thoughts private, but whats the point. I'm okay being an exposed person. Granted, I am not going to write everything for the entire reading public to know, but I figure most of what I do write is okay subject matter.

This weeks post finds me a little disappointed. Feeling a little less than. And in the end I guess a little selfish as a result. It's pretty gross and I am trying to shake it as quickly as possible. Trying to ask Jesus to shed some light on some stuff for me.

The weekend had some unexpected twist. And some things I allowed my heart to hope for, or that I over dreamed or something, that missed my mark so I am disappointed. We'll start with Friday.

Friday in essence brought 2 things to a boiling point that are close to my heart. My big life dream was always 2 fold. To have a family of my own and that family would be on the road with me cause I was getting to do music as a career. The most beautiful picture I have ever gotten in my head involved walking down the street in a random city that I was gonna be performing in that night, with my daughter on my shoulders probably dropping her ice cream on my head and my wife on my arm probably trying to help clean up.

Well Friday through Sunday hit me with a stark reality. Those dreams couldn't be farther from reality than they are right now. And it hurts quite a bit. This is not where I envisioned myself being when I turned 28. I'm a divorced guy who hasn't been with anyone in almost 3 years, and have to delay further asking someone out that I want to. I know it is for the best and that it is the right thing, and still hard. And on the other part, at my leading, the most recent band I was in that I had a lot of hope and promise for is no more. I was more hurt by that than the word to wait on a date.

We pulled the plug on TSR for right now. I'm the one that started the conversation with the boys. I knew it was the right thing and that we would all be on the same pages. And I barely spoke about it to anyone. I haven't even written about it yet. And it hit me Friday how truly saddened and a bit heart broken I am about it. Yeah on music levels. But it also feels like I lost something. Like I have lost that connection with those guys. I still see them all the time. We still hang out. But Friday was set aside for us to connect in a way many people don't get. Playing music together in that way is such a gift to those of us who do it. And those 4 guys were a gift for me to get to play with. And I hadn't let myself realize how truly sad I was to let that go. And in the end here I stand with my dreams in pieces.

Its not easy at all. I'm surrounded by people who have pieces of the life I want. Families and children all around me. Relationships forming all around me. And even getting to hear about friends having musical opportunities that are only dreams for me. I am proud of and excited for every one of those people and what they get to be a part of. I don't hate being around it. But I am not gonna lie and say I am not jealous.

I trust Jesus. I really do. I know what He has in store for me is far better than what I am dreaming. But I cant see for myself as far as He can for me. So I feel at a loss in some ways. I'm asking for answers. Maybe I'm not ready to hear them, but I man do I want to be.

My actual birthday was also a let down. Was last year too. I know there were a couple blogs I wrote about it not mattering and it was just another year. I know I had even said that to people. I'm very aware that that was me trying to protect myself. So if no one did anything for me, then I wouldn't be hurt or let down cause it was just another day.

Please Please Please do not think I do not appreciate the surprise party that was thrown for me 2 weeks ago. I do. I really love all my friends who got to show up for it. I guess I let comparison slip in though. Let myself believe I don't measure up to what I have seen done for others. Once again, gross and selfish and pathetic. Man it feels like I took 2 steps forward with the week on Rooted and then this week I have taken 5 back into my own stupid crap.

Jesus help me do a quick work with this so I don't go into Ichthus this weekend with this sitting on me. I want to be clean of it. Especially the music parts. Watching so many bands get to do what I long to do. This year I am called to be an alter minister. Let me do that clean hearted. Let's just bring a ton of your kids home this weekend. That's what matters.

QCC - Rooted

There is the link to this weeks more recent talk on being Rooted. Holy crap it was a good one. And if you want to watch it, you can see me perform Love Lockdown.

The talk has really been sinking in in quiet ways for me. I've just been spending time in my own head with how much Jesus loves me. And it has been also in such tangible ways that He has decided to show me. My surprise party which I mentioned in the last blog, really set me up well to go through this weekend. As often as I feel unloved by people, He wanted to show me love that way right before going into a talk on how much He loves us. I guess that is good timing. :)

I also have been looking closer at my finances this week. I spend so much time freaking out about them that is seems I have missed his provision even in my unfaithfulness. Lots more is taken care of and off the table than I had noticed. I was shocked to actually look at stuff which I had been scared to do and see a clear path to some financial freedom. It's kind of crazy. I so it seems menial in the grand scheme of things, but seeing the numbers play out spoke volumes to me in legitimate ways.

It's kind of amazing where He has been taking me in just the few months that we have been going through Accelerate. Me just an apprentice has gotten so much already and I know there is tons more to come. What will I look like at the end of the year. And what will I look like in 2 years if I get to be an Accelerator next year. It's amazing to me what He can do even when we shut our eyes in some ways. He is still faithful to us even in our short comings and pit falls.

I still have a long way to go, but getting to choose to believe the best of Jesus and of the people around me is a pretty freeing thing.

On other notes... eh actually I don't have any others at the moment. I have some stuff I am hoping for but I am gonna keep it as close to the vest as I can from here on out.

I will write a more fun, silly blog soon. I know the last several have been pretty serious on some level. I still am always looking for rant worthy topics if you should want to send ideas my way.

The Weekend

So this weekend was quite interesting. Turns out that the party at Katie's house ended up being a surprise party for me. There were some minor signals during the week but overall I was surprised. Thanks to everyone who was a part of it. It was a really good boost to get from my friends heading into a weekend at church about being rooted.

Sang Love Lockdown at church on Saturday and Sunday. It was not easy. There is no semblance of a pattern to Kanye's writing style. Made it a little difficult to keep the words in my head. But it was fun to have that effect on my voice and I am told that it all came together really well during the services.

The talk itself was pretty great. It's definitely one that I will want to spend some time with before I write anything substantial about it. Will have to watch it online when it gets posted. I'll post a link to it when that happens.

(Short one today. I have a bit of a headache and I am not fully awake yet.)