So as some of you might remember, I had a pretty serious blog as my last entry. It was something that really marked who I was and really always sat heavy with me. I never knew it was quite that heavy until recently. Well this isnt a rebuttal or an "I'm still pissed and you are going to hear about it." type of blog. This is a continuation in the process and where I find myself now. It also has some other pretty cool pieces I am going to talk about.
But the main point is this. Jesus loves my enigmaticism. (I realize that isnt a word.) Jesus made me that way and he made me more than that. Right after I wrote that blog, He proceeded to spend the rest of the week telling me pretty vividly what he actually thought of me.
But this blog is going to stop short of my initial comments. I started writing this, had to save a draft and come back to it, and since then something more pressing has come up to talk about.
Some of you may have in the past heard me talk about my Uncle Trevor and his daughter (my cousin) Nivea. You may have heard me tell the story about her playing "Oopsie Daisy" with Alex's hamster. Or the day she rechipped my tooth with a marble and a long piece of pvc pipe.
Well despite my fun poking sometimes annoyed stories about my cousin, I loved her. She was family. And when my wife left she was ridiculously pissed off for me. Didn't express it in the greatest of ways to me in the midst of it, but I know she was hurt for me.
The last time I saw Nivea was January 07 at my Grandmothers funeral, which was also about a month after the initial break with my ex and I. It was a pretty good visit for the most part. After the funeral she came out to the bars with us and hung out and all that.
Nivea had a troubled time growing up in Atlanta and all that. Her mom passed a couple years ago, my Uncle lived here and she kind of took care of herself.
Well I found out this morning that she passed away early this morning. She was 25! I am not even sure what to think at the moment. I mean I am sad, but I didnt know her super well so I dont know how to quite put all this together.
Oh and it gets more complicated. Nivea on Friday gave birth to a baby. I dont even know if it was a boy or a girl. The father is not on the birth certifcate and is like a 19 year old kid who couldnt take care of a baby anyway. Where does this leave my new little cousin? In the hands of my Uncle who is the grandfather and only next of kin? Or in the hands of the foster system? Will the dad man up and ask for a paternity test and want to take custody? No idea.
I am not exactly sure what the cause of her death was. The doctors are doing an autopsy today I believe. They sent her home Sunday after they saw some complications after the birth, but said she was okay to go home, then this morning I get in to work and there is a phone call from my mom that she died. I dont even know.
Anyway, if you are a praying person reading this, please pray hard for my Uncle and my Mom. They are right now getting on the road from here to head to Atlanta. They are both really shook up. My mom was a mentor to Nivea. She was one of the first people Nivea would call when she needed to talk. And pray for my new little cousin. He or she is basically without a mother or father and is barely 3 days old.
That is all.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
MC Enigmatic
This is very much a day where I need to clear my head. Which means I need to write. I need to get this stuff on paper (or screen as it were) and out of my head a little bit. Doesn't mean it makes me stop thinking about them, but it helps me think more clearly I think and make more sense of things.
This one is an interesting topic. This is not a rant on some random topic. This is about me.
There was a word spoken over me a long time ago that I never thought about or took to heart. Today that stupid little thing hit me. It was caused by some stuff from Leadership Summit a couple weeks ago, and today is something I need to write about.
Back in college I was given the name MC Enigmatic as part of a stupid joke rap crew I was in with my friends Brandon Spencer, Matt Swaim, and John Flannery. (None of whom talk to me anymore for some reason. They got too good for me or something. Who knows?) The name had no real meaning. We were just trying to come up with stuff and threw that out there and figured the word sounded good.
Well I guess now that word has meaning in my life. I am just as it says. An enigma.
e·nig·ma (
-ng
m
)
This one is an interesting topic. This is not a rant on some random topic. This is about me.
There was a word spoken over me a long time ago that I never thought about or took to heart. Today that stupid little thing hit me. It was caused by some stuff from Leadership Summit a couple weeks ago, and today is something I need to write about.
Back in college I was given the name MC Enigmatic as part of a stupid joke rap crew I was in with my friends Brandon Spencer, Matt Swaim, and John Flannery. (None of whom talk to me anymore for some reason. They got too good for me or something. Who knows?) The name had no real meaning. We were just trying to come up with stuff and threw that out there and figured the word sounded good.
Well I guess now that word has meaning in my life. I am just as it says. An enigma.
e·nig·ma (
-ngm)n.
1. One that is puzzling, ambiguous, or inexplicable.
2. A perplexing speech or text; a riddle.
I am this odd unexplainable middle ground that none of my friends or the people around me, or even much of my family understand. I walk this line of ambiguity that has always haunted me but I could never fully see. I have grown up this black guy who isnt "black enough" but still not a white guy. Shunned and ridiculed by a lot of my black peers through middle school and high school and even now because I dont "act like them". And made fun of by so many of my so called friends for being too white. And yet still I dont really fit in there either do I? This is not so much a complaint, but the way it has always been. This is how I have gone around.
Now lets be real racist for a minute. Here is why I dont fit in with these "black and white" cultures. I dont listen to hip hop or r&b as a staple of musical genius. I dont speak ebonics except by choice when I am being retarded. I dont have a bunch of little children running through the streets being idiots. I dont feel I deserve reparations or handouts. I dont disrespect women. I did well in school and chose to try to make a way for myself and not live off of welfare or pity.
And on the other side, I dont have blond hair and blue eyes. I wasnt handed life on a silver platter by daddy who gave me a lexus for graduation. I cant walk through a nice high class neighborhood without being looked at funny. I got some extra scholarship to school because I was black. I was sought after for pictures at Asbury because I made the school diverse. My original date ask to my senior prom had to tell me her parents said she couldn't go with any black people. And then they apologized profusely when they found out it was me and then still we didnt get to go together. I hate mayonnaise and you wont see me jogging around town all willy nilly for fun.
Most of the world wants to put everything into these nice separated black and white boxes. I stand here as this middle grey color that neither side has ever fully been able to accept. In the black community I am glared at, made fun of and shunned. In the white community, I am still frightening and compartmentalized, and assumed about. Middle grey in the photography world is what a photographer wants to base their spectrum on. Its what they set their camera tones to. It is their staple. In life it is an outcast set aside for when needed.
Now many of you at this point are either pitying me or thinking that this is really melodramatic. You can make whatever choice you want on how you are going to view this. But the fact is that this is really how I felt most of my life. This is how I spent so long viewing the world. This is where I have to lay down myself a lot of times to surrender myself to what Jesus is asking me to do. This is where I find contention in my everyday life. I want my friends and family to understand something very important though. I love you all and I know you love me. This isnt to convict you or make you change how you act with me or anything like that. This is so that maybe you will understand me a little more fully.
I used to have this recurring dream. It happened pretty frequently as a child and through college. It kind of stopped for a while when I got married and came back pretty strong for several months after my divorce. I havent had it in about a year, but Sue reminded me of it the other day when I was processing this stuff. It was of this giant ball chasing me. I could never get out of its path. And I could never see anything but it behind me. All I could do was run. This ball was always this speckled black and white mass. Envision if a giant stone looked like the fuzz that you get on a tv screen when you arent getting a signal. Sound like a dumb dream right. Well it always scared the hell out of me. I knew before I even fell asleep when that was going to be my night. As soon as I would lay down and close my eyes I would see the ball. I would open my eyes and try to think about something else, and never could.
So psychiatry would suggest that that recurring dream is a part of that struggle in me. And as I have been thinking about it, it was definitely always at very hard spots in my life that it was the most outspoken. For instance, your white wife leaves you for some punk kid with blue hair who is "getting her back to her punk rock roots" its pretty easy to make the leap to "if I was white" whether it be the case or not. Or this relationship didnt work out regardless of what you said or did, or this job wasnt gotten, or this position was over looked or this is why you are here or this is why you were asked to do this or anything like that. It is very easy for insecurity to come in.
And even the most well intentioned, innocent people making assumptions about who you are cause of your skin color annoys the hell out of me. I dont own any hip hop. AT ALL!! I listen to pop rock and metal. I dont in fact know ever black person on the planet. So dont assume I know who you are talking about just cause his name is Darrell. (Whitney I hope you just got that joke.) I do not own FUBU and I hate puffy vest. Leave the assumptions at home if you want to start a conversation with me. You may find yourself called out and looking foolish cause I am getting a bit tired of it.
Now I will be the first one to say that I make a lot of black jokes. Or joke around that I am going to steal your TV. But come one people, know the difference between what is a joke and what is real. I know when someone is being serious and when they are just being silly. I am not naive or dumb. If the joking around with my close friends needs to stop completely so you can see the lines tell me.
So what do I do with all of this now? Thats the question I have been asking Jesus for the past week and a half. My answer... I dont know. Do I own my middle grey status and play mediator between sides? Do I educate so people don't look stupid around each other? Do I let it slide off my back and just let stereotype and assumption win the day? I dont have any answers at the moment. I will gladly take advice. And be relationally intelligent when you are replying if you choose to do so. This is a serious topic, and making dumb jokes is really not the way to go with me on this right now. I'll just be straight up about that.
I am this odd unexplainable middle ground that none of my friends or the people around me, or even much of my family understand. I walk this line of ambiguity that has always haunted me but I could never fully see. I have grown up this black guy who isnt "black enough" but still not a white guy. Shunned and ridiculed by a lot of my black peers through middle school and high school and even now because I dont "act like them". And made fun of by so many of my so called friends for being too white. And yet still I dont really fit in there either do I? This is not so much a complaint, but the way it has always been. This is how I have gone around.
Now lets be real racist for a minute. Here is why I dont fit in with these "black and white" cultures. I dont listen to hip hop or r&b as a staple of musical genius. I dont speak ebonics except by choice when I am being retarded. I dont have a bunch of little children running through the streets being idiots. I dont feel I deserve reparations or handouts. I dont disrespect women. I did well in school and chose to try to make a way for myself and not live off of welfare or pity.
And on the other side, I dont have blond hair and blue eyes. I wasnt handed life on a silver platter by daddy who gave me a lexus for graduation. I cant walk through a nice high class neighborhood without being looked at funny. I got some extra scholarship to school because I was black. I was sought after for pictures at Asbury because I made the school diverse. My original date ask to my senior prom had to tell me her parents said she couldn't go with any black people. And then they apologized profusely when they found out it was me and then still we didnt get to go together. I hate mayonnaise and you wont see me jogging around town all willy nilly for fun.
Most of the world wants to put everything into these nice separated black and white boxes. I stand here as this middle grey color that neither side has ever fully been able to accept. In the black community I am glared at, made fun of and shunned. In the white community, I am still frightening and compartmentalized, and assumed about. Middle grey in the photography world is what a photographer wants to base their spectrum on. Its what they set their camera tones to. It is their staple. In life it is an outcast set aside for when needed.
Now many of you at this point are either pitying me or thinking that this is really melodramatic. You can make whatever choice you want on how you are going to view this. But the fact is that this is really how I felt most of my life. This is how I spent so long viewing the world. This is where I have to lay down myself a lot of times to surrender myself to what Jesus is asking me to do. This is where I find contention in my everyday life. I want my friends and family to understand something very important though. I love you all and I know you love me. This isnt to convict you or make you change how you act with me or anything like that. This is so that maybe you will understand me a little more fully.
I used to have this recurring dream. It happened pretty frequently as a child and through college. It kind of stopped for a while when I got married and came back pretty strong for several months after my divorce. I havent had it in about a year, but Sue reminded me of it the other day when I was processing this stuff. It was of this giant ball chasing me. I could never get out of its path. And I could never see anything but it behind me. All I could do was run. This ball was always this speckled black and white mass. Envision if a giant stone looked like the fuzz that you get on a tv screen when you arent getting a signal. Sound like a dumb dream right. Well it always scared the hell out of me. I knew before I even fell asleep when that was going to be my night. As soon as I would lay down and close my eyes I would see the ball. I would open my eyes and try to think about something else, and never could.
So psychiatry would suggest that that recurring dream is a part of that struggle in me. And as I have been thinking about it, it was definitely always at very hard spots in my life that it was the most outspoken. For instance, your white wife leaves you for some punk kid with blue hair who is "getting her back to her punk rock roots" its pretty easy to make the leap to "if I was white" whether it be the case or not. Or this relationship didnt work out regardless of what you said or did, or this job wasnt gotten, or this position was over looked or this is why you are here or this is why you were asked to do this or anything like that. It is very easy for insecurity to come in.
And even the most well intentioned, innocent people making assumptions about who you are cause of your skin color annoys the hell out of me. I dont own any hip hop. AT ALL!! I listen to pop rock and metal. I dont in fact know ever black person on the planet. So dont assume I know who you are talking about just cause his name is Darrell. (Whitney I hope you just got that joke.) I do not own FUBU and I hate puffy vest. Leave the assumptions at home if you want to start a conversation with me. You may find yourself called out and looking foolish cause I am getting a bit tired of it.
Now I will be the first one to say that I make a lot of black jokes. Or joke around that I am going to steal your TV. But come one people, know the difference between what is a joke and what is real. I know when someone is being serious and when they are just being silly. I am not naive or dumb. If the joking around with my close friends needs to stop completely so you can see the lines tell me.
So what do I do with all of this now? Thats the question I have been asking Jesus for the past week and a half. My answer... I dont know. Do I own my middle grey status and play mediator between sides? Do I educate so people don't look stupid around each other? Do I let it slide off my back and just let stereotype and assumption win the day? I dont have any answers at the moment. I will gladly take advice. And be relationally intelligent when you are replying if you choose to do so. This is a serious topic, and making dumb jokes is really not the way to go with me on this right now. I'll just be straight up about that.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Selfishness
So it has been a while since I have blogged anything at all. Its been a really busy several weeks. And I am kind of excited that I get a vacation. Scratch that... I am super excited. I get to go to Barbados for 2 weeks. Meet family I haven't met... hang on the beach... get as black as night from the sun.
But that isnt the point of this blog. The point is this. My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I will be turning 27 on June 6th. Now slight problem. I really enjoy spending my birthdays with my friends. But I will not be here. I dont get back until the 8th. Thats sad. And still that isnt the point.
The point is I am gonna be a bit selfish for a minute. People always seem to have a problem with picking gifts for me. I dont say this because I have gotten crappy gifts in the past. I say this because I am often told that I am difficult to shop for. So the point of this here blog is to give people a helping hand should you make the decision to get me something.
List in in order no particular order. Well minus #1 which is the actual top of the list of things I want.
#1 Money for or Gift Certificate for Tattoos. (preferably to Charmed Life, but am flexible.)
#2 Gift cards to any of the following stores
- Best Buy, Gamestop, Old Navy, Garden Ridge, Target, or any other stores that fall into those line.
#3 Gift cards to any of the following restaurants
- PF Changs, Malones, Qdoba, Puccinis. Anything good really.
#4 Anything Gadgety you think I would be in to.
#5 Ummm. Really I am pretty easy. The first one is the big thing I want. Well and an Xbox 360. But anyway. Thats all.
But that isnt the point of this blog. The point is this. My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I will be turning 27 on June 6th. Now slight problem. I really enjoy spending my birthdays with my friends. But I will not be here. I dont get back until the 8th. Thats sad. And still that isnt the point.
The point is I am gonna be a bit selfish for a minute. People always seem to have a problem with picking gifts for me. I dont say this because I have gotten crappy gifts in the past. I say this because I am often told that I am difficult to shop for. So the point of this here blog is to give people a helping hand should you make the decision to get me something.
List in in order no particular order. Well minus #1 which is the actual top of the list of things I want.
#1 Money for or Gift Certificate for Tattoos. (preferably to Charmed Life, but am flexible.)
#2 Gift cards to any of the following stores
- Best Buy, Gamestop, Old Navy, Garden Ridge, Target, or any other stores that fall into those line.
#3 Gift cards to any of the following restaurants
- PF Changs, Malones, Qdoba, Puccinis. Anything good really.
#4 Anything Gadgety you think I would be in to.
#5 Ummm. Really I am pretty easy. The first one is the big thing I want. Well and an Xbox 360. But anyway. Thats all.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Upcoming Movies
So this blog probably wont be super long. But there are a lot of movies coming out or that have just released that I thought needed some attention. Positive or negative. So here we go.
Harold and Kumar: Escape from Quantanomo Bay
This movie has potential to just be terrible. I actually have no insight as to how it could possibly be good at all. Will I go see it? Ummm... Probably. Actually, I wont lie. I actually kind of really want to see it. Will it be dumb? Yes. Will I probably still laugh? It's quite possible. I mean I was rolling watching Strange Wilderness and that movie was awful.
Ironman
I am so excited for this movie. Ironman has long been one of my favorite comic characters. He's just badass. I tend to like super heroes who are a bit more self made. Batman, Ironman. People who took up a cause on their own. They weren't blessed with super powers caused by being an alien who is reacting with our yellow sun. Maybe I am also a bit envious of all their money since I dont have any.
Anyway, Ironman is that type. Smart, built the suit himself. Big millionaire. Does it because he chooses to. And Robert Downey, Jr. has the potential to be perfect for this role. Smug enough to play the playboy billionaire inventer Tony Stark. And enough attitude to play a slightly cocky stay out of my way type of Ironman. It could be extremely good or it could just suck. Either way the cinematography and graphics are going to be amazing which will make it totally worth seeing.
Hancock
So I dont have much to say about this movie. I have only seen the preview a couple times. And while it has the potential for suck. It has potential to be awesome as well. I love Will Smith as an actor. I think he is really good. He is a pretty dynamic actor. Plays his parts really really well. And while the premise of this movie could suck, I still think it will be well done. And I don't even know that the premise sucks. Its kind of interesting. A super powered guy who just becomes a bum and gives up on saving the world and is brought back. Could be good. Should have some good standard Will Smith one-liners too.
Dark Knight
I am so freaking stoked for this movie. Yes I said stoked. I mean it is going to be amazing. I cant feel it. The first one was just so stinking good. And then to get Heath Ledger (rest his soul) as the Joker. And they finally are doing the Joker the right way. A mentally disturbed psychopath. The will be so much darker than Jack Nicholson was. They say it is the mental strain of the part and another he was doing that was tormenting Ledger. I think it is going to be disturbing as hell and just amazingly done. Can't Wait.
Forbidden Kingdom
I knew Jet Li couldnt stay away from this type of roll for long. He wanted to stop doing the action movies with all the ropes and stuff required and start doing more dramatic rolls or something. But I say, stick to what you are amazing at. I think this with Jackie Chan could be great. I am sure it is going to be pretty funny. And even if the story isnt great, it will be entertaining to watch. Hopefully I will get to go see it soon.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
I dont know about this. I mean I love Jason Segal on "How I Met Your Mother." That is fantastic writing and he is hilarious on it. But can this be any good. I have heard mixed reviews. This most likely will not be a "hey I really want to spend money on this at the theatre" type of movie for me. I have made bad judgment with my movie spending in the past (yes I am sorry for the Meet The Spartans fiasco.). I think I will wait for a DVD and a download on this one.
Baby Mama
I by no means understand the hoards that want to see this movie. Amy Poehler is not really that funny. Tina Fey is, but we got to see their synergy on SNL Weekend Update. Not good. I just cant see this being worth my money at all. Will I watch it later. Sure as long as I am not paying for it.
There are a lot of others I could have mentioned. I Didnt feel like thinking of them.
Harold and Kumar: Escape from Quantanomo BayThis movie has potential to just be terrible. I actually have no insight as to how it could possibly be good at all. Will I go see it? Ummm... Probably. Actually, I wont lie. I actually kind of really want to see it. Will it be dumb? Yes. Will I probably still laugh? It's quite possible. I mean I was rolling watching Strange Wilderness and that movie was awful.
IronmanI am so excited for this movie. Ironman has long been one of my favorite comic characters. He's just badass. I tend to like super heroes who are a bit more self made. Batman, Ironman. People who took up a cause on their own. They weren't blessed with super powers caused by being an alien who is reacting with our yellow sun. Maybe I am also a bit envious of all their money since I dont have any.
Anyway, Ironman is that type. Smart, built the suit himself. Big millionaire. Does it because he chooses to. And Robert Downey, Jr. has the potential to be perfect for this role. Smug enough to play the playboy billionaire inventer Tony Stark. And enough attitude to play a slightly cocky stay out of my way type of Ironman. It could be extremely good or it could just suck. Either way the cinematography and graphics are going to be amazing which will make it totally worth seeing.
HancockSo I dont have much to say about this movie. I have only seen the preview a couple times. And while it has the potential for suck. It has potential to be awesome as well. I love Will Smith as an actor. I think he is really good. He is a pretty dynamic actor. Plays his parts really really well. And while the premise of this movie could suck, I still think it will be well done. And I don't even know that the premise sucks. Its kind of interesting. A super powered guy who just becomes a bum and gives up on saving the world and is brought back. Could be good. Should have some good standard Will Smith one-liners too.
Dark KnightI am so freaking stoked for this movie. Yes I said stoked. I mean it is going to be amazing. I cant feel it. The first one was just so stinking good. And then to get Heath Ledger (rest his soul) as the Joker. And they finally are doing the Joker the right way. A mentally disturbed psychopath. The will be so much darker than Jack Nicholson was. They say it is the mental strain of the part and another he was doing that was tormenting Ledger. I think it is going to be disturbing as hell and just amazingly done. Can't Wait.
Forbidden KingdomI knew Jet Li couldnt stay away from this type of roll for long. He wanted to stop doing the action movies with all the ropes and stuff required and start doing more dramatic rolls or something. But I say, stick to what you are amazing at. I think this with Jackie Chan could be great. I am sure it is going to be pretty funny. And even if the story isnt great, it will be entertaining to watch. Hopefully I will get to go see it soon.
Forgetting Sarah MarshallI dont know about this. I mean I love Jason Segal on "How I Met Your Mother." That is fantastic writing and he is hilarious on it. But can this be any good. I have heard mixed reviews. This most likely will not be a "hey I really want to spend money on this at the theatre" type of movie for me. I have made bad judgment with my movie spending in the past (yes I am sorry for the Meet The Spartans fiasco.). I think I will wait for a DVD and a download on this one.
Baby MamaI by no means understand the hoards that want to see this movie. Amy Poehler is not really that funny. Tina Fey is, but we got to see their synergy on SNL Weekend Update. Not good. I just cant see this being worth my money at all. Will I watch it later. Sure as long as I am not paying for it.
There are a lot of others I could have mentioned. I Didnt feel like thinking of them.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Remember That Horrendous Dolly Parton Song
I would like to meet the guy who invented this whole, "Let's work 9-5 everyday year round with no real semblance of a break" idea. I would punch him in the face harder than the super prep with the popped collar. And he would deserve it.
I mean let's face it. We are setting ourselves up for failure, depression and an early grave. We give our kids this school schedule filled with breaks and teacher service days and president's days, then after college we are thrown to the wolves to survive the grind. From summer vacation of 3 months to maybe 2 weeks off a year to make just enough money to not pay for the schooling we went through to get this god forsaken hell we call the workforce.
Now some people were made for this type of monotanous, worker drone, day in and day out type of existence. I definitely was not. And I unfortunately did not think clearly through this while I was in college. And career counselors are of no use to anyone. They just want to brainwash you into accepting the fact that you will be someone's slave for life. Well at least till they deem you too old to be useful and this thing called "retirement" is implemented.
So what does that make us? A mindless mob working for the weekend and till we hit 65 when we hopefully can rest. But by then, many are too tired to do any of the things they truly wanted in their lives.
So here I sit at my boring meaningless existence of a job. Wishing I had been smart enough to get my teaching certification. So right now instead of dreading a beautiful summer spent in a cave in front of a computer, I could be envisioning a glorious time on the road. Out in the sun.
And to think I am using my entire 2 weeks of vacation time all in one foul swoop before we even ht the middle of the year. True it is worth it and I will be on the beaches of Barbados the entire time. But then I come back to the grind of an underpaying, underappreciating job. Hoorah!
I would so love to meet the putz that came up with this phenomena. POW! Right in the kisser.
I think for the majority of us on this planet, freedom is what we are meant for. Not that we are just slackers who are going to sleep on a porch all day. I mean I like doing stuff. But this daily grind is not what life was intended to be. At least not my life anyway. I daily want to rip out my hair and chew on it huddled in a corner until it is time to leave this hole. Okay maybe I am exagerrating a bit but you get my point.
I mean let's face it. We are setting ourselves up for failure, depression and an early grave. We give our kids this school schedule filled with breaks and teacher service days and president's days, then after college we are thrown to the wolves to survive the grind. From summer vacation of 3 months to maybe 2 weeks off a year to make just enough money to not pay for the schooling we went through to get this god forsaken hell we call the workforce.
Now some people were made for this type of monotanous, worker drone, day in and day out type of existence. I definitely was not. And I unfortunately did not think clearly through this while I was in college. And career counselors are of no use to anyone. They just want to brainwash you into accepting the fact that you will be someone's slave for life. Well at least till they deem you too old to be useful and this thing called "retirement" is implemented.
So what does that make us? A mindless mob working for the weekend and till we hit 65 when we hopefully can rest. But by then, many are too tired to do any of the things they truly wanted in their lives.
So here I sit at my boring meaningless existence of a job. Wishing I had been smart enough to get my teaching certification. So right now instead of dreading a beautiful summer spent in a cave in front of a computer, I could be envisioning a glorious time on the road. Out in the sun.
And to think I am using my entire 2 weeks of vacation time all in one foul swoop before we even ht the middle of the year. True it is worth it and I will be on the beaches of Barbados the entire time. But then I come back to the grind of an underpaying, underappreciating job. Hoorah!
I would so love to meet the putz that came up with this phenomena. POW! Right in the kisser.
I think for the majority of us on this planet, freedom is what we are meant for. Not that we are just slackers who are going to sleep on a porch all day. I mean I like doing stuff. But this daily grind is not what life was intended to be. At least not my life anyway. I daily want to rip out my hair and chew on it huddled in a corner until it is time to leave this hole. Okay maybe I am exagerrating a bit but you get my point.
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Husband's/Wive's Bill of Rights
So today I just read this article on msn.com. It is split into 2 parts. The Husband's Bill of Rights and The Wive's Bill of Rights. Basically it is a list of things that each partner is allowed to hold sacred in a marriage. No matter how stupid or irrational. It was quite interesting to read. And frankly, the Husband's part sounds like something I would have wrote. So I decided to write something about it. There are a few things in each that I fully agree with and a few in each that I am opposed to. If you want to read the full article you can head over to http://men.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6742052>1=32001 for the men's part and http://men.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6750191>1=32001 for the women's part.
Let me start on the women's page. There are 2 that struck me as particularly insightful. Amendment I - We Have the Right to Dislike Your Buddies. And Ammendment IV - We Have the Right to an Honest Answer to "What's Wrong".
Dude's, we dont always choose the best people to hang out with. Sometimes our old friends are seriously complete idiots and we know it. Yeah they are people we grew up with or spent a lot of time with, but generally we know that they really aren't the type that are women are going to dig as people. And truth be told, a lot of time we dont really like spending a lot of time with them either.
So what am I getting at with this one? No I am not saying you ditch your friends for the sake of a women. But remember that you chose your wife. Be considerate. If you dont like spending a lot of time with them, it is very likely your wife or girlfriend doesnt want to spend any. Sometimes there is no getting around it, but men be smart. It will save you a lot of heartache.
As for Amendment IV, this one couldnt be more right I dont think. This coming from someone who was closed off to everyone. And closed off to his wife in a lot of ways. Answer the question guys. If you cant be honest with the woman you have chosen to spend your life with, who are you ever going to be able to be honest with. You have become one with this person and in that you should hide nothing. Even if it is a frustration with her, at least you all can talk it out and not let stuff fester until you are pissed. You'll save yourself a lot of sleepless nights this way. Believe me.
Now Amendment IX - We Have the Right to Flirt was bothersome to me. Bad choice of words I think. The explanation of this one isnt nearly as blunt as the title. The title is very very very offputting. Especially coming from the background that I now have. No there should not be a right to flirt. For several reasons.
a. You would kick our asses if you caught us flirting with another woman. What's with the double standard here. It is not cool. If you dont want us doing it, then you shouldn't have the right to it either.
b. If you need to flirt with someone to get a boost of self esteem, than you are probably needing to look at a deeper issue. What that issue is is up to you to find out. But I can tell you from my most recent experience, your self assurance is in completely the wrong place.
c. Sorry ladies, men are irrationally jealous creatures. Now we know when you are just talking to someone. When you are just being nice. When you are creating small talk at a party or meeting someone and learning a little about them. We aren't idiots. But we know exactly what flirting looks like. Obviously you did it with us. Its not cool. Even tiny insignificant flirting will set us off. You are cruising to leave the party with a pissed off husband or boyfriend with every "shouldertouchgiggleflipmyhairback" that you send the way of another guy. Is it really worth the trouble. Like I said, it could be completely innocent and we are irrational. And tell the truth, you are irrational too on this point and many others. So dont get upset with us for this one.
Now like I said we know the difference between things. A hug with a good friend or whatever is nothing. I being a hugger by nature, can understand that. I am even completely okay with whoever I am with next, having a male friend who she goes and hangs out with, even if I am not around. (Just stay honest with me and we're straight.) But so called innocent flirting, is never as innocent as you want to believe it is.
Okay the men's list was pretty interesting too. Being a guy, I dont know that there was one I disagreed with on the list. And also, a lot of the ones on the guys list were pretty playful stereotypical things, like Amendment IX - We Have the Right to the Remote When We are on the Couch. That one is just funny.
But there is one I want to point out here. Amendment X - We Have the Right to Still Use Chivalry. This one is a huge one for me. I know way too many girls who think they are so whatever that when a guy is genuinely chivalrous, it is stupid or he is looking down on her or that he is showing dominance over her. How the hell does me holding the door open for you tell you that I am showing dominance over you.
Any guy worth their salt is going to be a gentleman. My mom used to pop me in the arm if I went in the door before her. Men we for the most part should have been taught to be a gentleman by our fathers and our mothers. If you are anywhere from like 16 and up, your parents still come from an age when that was proper manners and if they had good sense, they instilled that into you. But somewhere a long the way it has become screwed up. Pulling out the chair for your date isnt allowed anymore. Or holding the door open when walking into a building. Or opening the car door for them to get in and then you get in. And then when you reach the destination, walking around and opening the door for them and offering them a hand out of the car.
Men those are things you should be doing. You are a gentleman. You are upstanding. Doing these things should show the woman you are with, that you care enough about them to do even these little things. And you arent doing them to score brownie points. You are doing them completely out of caring and because you were raised right. So women, put down your feminist pride for one second and see such acts for what they are. A caring gesture to someone we hold dear. A nice act because your man was raised properly to respect you. It is not a sign of disrespect or your weakness or his dominance when he holds the door open for you or takes your coat. Its the sign of total respect for you and care for you. Own it. In fact, if your man does not treat you this way, demand it. Or tell me and I will pop him upside his head and get him on the ball.
That is all for this one. Go read the entire article. It was interesting.
Let me start on the women's page. There are 2 that struck me as particularly insightful. Amendment I - We Have the Right to Dislike Your Buddies. And Ammendment IV - We Have the Right to an Honest Answer to "What's Wrong".
Dude's, we dont always choose the best people to hang out with. Sometimes our old friends are seriously complete idiots and we know it. Yeah they are people we grew up with or spent a lot of time with, but generally we know that they really aren't the type that are women are going to dig as people. And truth be told, a lot of time we dont really like spending a lot of time with them either.
So what am I getting at with this one? No I am not saying you ditch your friends for the sake of a women. But remember that you chose your wife. Be considerate. If you dont like spending a lot of time with them, it is very likely your wife or girlfriend doesnt want to spend any. Sometimes there is no getting around it, but men be smart. It will save you a lot of heartache.
As for Amendment IV, this one couldnt be more right I dont think. This coming from someone who was closed off to everyone. And closed off to his wife in a lot of ways. Answer the question guys. If you cant be honest with the woman you have chosen to spend your life with, who are you ever going to be able to be honest with. You have become one with this person and in that you should hide nothing. Even if it is a frustration with her, at least you all can talk it out and not let stuff fester until you are pissed. You'll save yourself a lot of sleepless nights this way. Believe me.
Now Amendment IX - We Have the Right to Flirt was bothersome to me. Bad choice of words I think. The explanation of this one isnt nearly as blunt as the title. The title is very very very offputting. Especially coming from the background that I now have. No there should not be a right to flirt. For several reasons.
a. You would kick our asses if you caught us flirting with another woman. What's with the double standard here. It is not cool. If you dont want us doing it, then you shouldn't have the right to it either.
b. If you need to flirt with someone to get a boost of self esteem, than you are probably needing to look at a deeper issue. What that issue is is up to you to find out. But I can tell you from my most recent experience, your self assurance is in completely the wrong place.
c. Sorry ladies, men are irrationally jealous creatures. Now we know when you are just talking to someone. When you are just being nice. When you are creating small talk at a party or meeting someone and learning a little about them. We aren't idiots. But we know exactly what flirting looks like. Obviously you did it with us. Its not cool. Even tiny insignificant flirting will set us off. You are cruising to leave the party with a pissed off husband or boyfriend with every "shouldertouchgiggleflipmyhairback" that you send the way of another guy. Is it really worth the trouble. Like I said, it could be completely innocent and we are irrational. And tell the truth, you are irrational too on this point and many others. So dont get upset with us for this one.
Now like I said we know the difference between things. A hug with a good friend or whatever is nothing. I being a hugger by nature, can understand that. I am even completely okay with whoever I am with next, having a male friend who she goes and hangs out with, even if I am not around. (Just stay honest with me and we're straight.) But so called innocent flirting, is never as innocent as you want to believe it is.
Okay the men's list was pretty interesting too. Being a guy, I dont know that there was one I disagreed with on the list. And also, a lot of the ones on the guys list were pretty playful stereotypical things, like Amendment IX - We Have the Right to the Remote When We are on the Couch. That one is just funny.
But there is one I want to point out here. Amendment X - We Have the Right to Still Use Chivalry. This one is a huge one for me. I know way too many girls who think they are so whatever that when a guy is genuinely chivalrous, it is stupid or he is looking down on her or that he is showing dominance over her. How the hell does me holding the door open for you tell you that I am showing dominance over you.
Any guy worth their salt is going to be a gentleman. My mom used to pop me in the arm if I went in the door before her. Men we for the most part should have been taught to be a gentleman by our fathers and our mothers. If you are anywhere from like 16 and up, your parents still come from an age when that was proper manners and if they had good sense, they instilled that into you. But somewhere a long the way it has become screwed up. Pulling out the chair for your date isnt allowed anymore. Or holding the door open when walking into a building. Or opening the car door for them to get in and then you get in. And then when you reach the destination, walking around and opening the door for them and offering them a hand out of the car.
Men those are things you should be doing. You are a gentleman. You are upstanding. Doing these things should show the woman you are with, that you care enough about them to do even these little things. And you arent doing them to score brownie points. You are doing them completely out of caring and because you were raised right. So women, put down your feminist pride for one second and see such acts for what they are. A caring gesture to someone we hold dear. A nice act because your man was raised properly to respect you. It is not a sign of disrespect or your weakness or his dominance when he holds the door open for you or takes your coat. Its the sign of total respect for you and care for you. Own it. In fact, if your man does not treat you this way, demand it. Or tell me and I will pop him upside his head and get him on the ball.
That is all for this one. Go read the entire article. It was interesting.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Men Fashion No Nos
Okay, I know I am not the foremost authority on fashion. I am by no means claiming to be. I dress pretty, what I like to call, Hobo-Chique most of the time. But when I want to I can dress up and look damn good doing it.
But I know what is a bad idea to wear most of the time. (Sometimes I choose to do what I want anyway.) But there are 2 articles of clothing that really do not sit well with me. 2 things that men wear that are just dreadful things.
A. The Man-Pri. BOOOOOOOO!!!!! You have no idea how upset these things make me. I mean I hate women's capris too. What a ridiculous invention. Some how this faux pant / faux short is supposed to be a good idea. I mean look at that picture and tell me why this bag should not just be wearing pants. These things are stopping just above his ankle anyway.
They may be the most ridiculous things ever. Yeah capris in general tick me off. And the explanation I have gotten for them from women is just ludicrous. Something about them still being shorts and breezy but hiding trouble legs. Or its pretty normal that a girl with big calves will tell me that it detracts from how big her legs are. How is this possibly a valid thought process? How does something that stops directly in the middle of the calf, most of the time, detract from your calves? In all truth it accentuates them.
Well at least women have some semblance of a shotty excuse for wearing these blights on fashion. Men you have no excuse. Men's shorts are pretty long anyway. Most stop just past the knee as it is. What is the point in making them longer and adding a drawstring tassel at the end? Are you kidding me? Either get a pair of pants or get some shorts. I am sorry but your ankles having a little bit more of a breeze is not going to cool your entire body, as you seem to think it will. If you really feel the need to show off your ankles, it would be much more prudent to just roll up your jeans. Same effect, you look retarded and your ankles get a breeze. But at least in this scenario you have the option of not looking like a complete waste of my air all day long by knowing that you have a low enough brain capacity that marketing agents at these trendy fashion magazines were able to dupe you into spending $100 on a pair of hemp pants that they cut off 4 inches from the bottom.
I have been known to roll up my jeans. By no means is this a fashion statement. If I roll to the length of the image from above, it is because it is raining and I don’t feel like having water sloshing up on my legs for my trek through the muck. If it is cause it is hot, they get rolled as high as I can which generally is just below the knee where a real pair of shorts would stop. Come on guys, think it through. Do you really want to look like a retard all day?
B. My next big no no and one of my biggest pet peeves ever is the popped collar on the pastel colored polo shirt. The frat boy’s uniform of choice. I want you to go to google and type in the words "popped collar" in the image search and see how quick and easy it is to find a guy with a pink polo with a popped collar. I mean it was like the first image to come up. Actually of the first 20 images I got to show up, 8 of the images were guys in pink polos with the collars popped.
I really don’t have anything against the pink polo. It’s a fine enough item. And most men are afraid to wear pink. It somehow detracts from their manhood.
Let me go ahead and tell you that just because you have the gall to wear pink does not make you secure in your manhood. It is obvious that you are not. You add the popped collar and the cocky attitude and the awkwardly placed hat to let everyone know how cool you are so that you can feel validated.
POPPED COLLAR IS NOT EQUAL TO COOL! POPPED COLLAR EQUALS PUNCH IN THE FACE FROM BIG BLACK MAN!
That's right. I said it. They make me want to punch you in the face. Now I probably wouldn't punch either of the guys in these pictures. I would feel bad knocking out a little guy. But you know those giant corn fed frat guys who think they get a pass cause they are on the football team. Sitting the bench as a 3rd string Line Back does not give you a pass. It makes you a target.
The biggest stockpile of these stains on human fashion in Lexington is Saddle Ridge. I stood outside that place once. Friends on the patio looking completely depressed, trying to convince me and the others I was with that it would be a good idea to go inside. Then a group of 15 really hot women walked inside. That was incentive in the idea of going in. But not enough, as about 20 minutes later as we are still debating, like 20-25 guys, all in pastel hued polos with collars flying, walked through the doors. Paying the $5 cover and keeping me from the worst mistake of my life.
What would have transpired had I gone inside? I would probably have gotten in a fight. This was maybe a month after the wife had moved out and I was already in a pretty ongoing foul mood. There was really awful music playing, there was a lot of alcohol and there were stockpiles of frat boys for me to pick a fight with or for them to pick one with me. And in a drunken state I would have been more than happy to oblige. And it would have been quite the brawl, since that night, all my boys were out in force. I am talking about 20 guys all in the 6-foot tall range and for the most part big boys who can handle ourselves. It would have been us verse the rest of the bar and I would have totally put your money on us. And then the cops would show and I would have had to have my dad bail me and my little brother out of jail. Stellar.
Anyway, I digress. Needless to say that these 2 items of clothing get me pretty riled up. And if worn in tandem, I can only imagine the carnage that would ensue.
But I know what is a bad idea to wear most of the time. (Sometimes I choose to do what I want anyway.) But there are 2 articles of clothing that really do not sit well with me. 2 things that men wear that are just dreadful things.
A. The Man-Pri. BOOOOOOOO!!!!! You have no idea how upset these things make me. I mean I hate women's capris too. What a ridiculous invention. Some how this faux pant / faux short is supposed to be a good idea. I mean look at that picture and tell me why this bag should not just be wearing pants. These things are stopping just above his ankle anyway.They may be the most ridiculous things ever. Yeah capris in general tick me off. And the explanation I have gotten for them from women is just ludicrous. Something about them still being shorts and breezy but hiding trouble legs. Or its pretty normal that a girl with big calves will tell me that it detracts from how big her legs are. How is this possibly a valid thought process? How does something that stops directly in the middle of the calf, most of the time, detract from your calves? In all truth it accentuates them.
Well at least women have some semblance of a shotty excuse for wearing these blights on fashion. Men you have no excuse. Men's shorts are pretty long anyway. Most stop just past the knee as it is. What is the point in making them longer and adding a drawstring tassel at the end? Are you kidding me? Either get a pair of pants or get some shorts. I am sorry but your ankles having a little bit more of a breeze is not going to cool your entire body, as you seem to think it will. If you really feel the need to show off your ankles, it would be much more prudent to just roll up your jeans. Same effect, you look retarded and your ankles get a breeze. But at least in this scenario you have the option of not looking like a complete waste of my air all day long by knowing that you have a low enough brain capacity that marketing agents at these trendy fashion magazines were able to dupe you into spending $100 on a pair of hemp pants that they cut off 4 inches from the bottom.
I have been known to roll up my jeans. By no means is this a fashion statement. If I roll to the length of the image from above, it is because it is raining and I don’t feel like having water sloshing up on my legs for my trek through the muck. If it is cause it is hot, they get rolled as high as I can which generally is just below the knee where a real pair of shorts would stop. Come on guys, think it through. Do you really want to look like a retard all day?
B. My next big no no and one of my biggest pet peeves ever is the popped collar on the pastel colored polo shirt. The frat boy’s uniform of choice. I want you to go to google and type in the words "popped collar" in the image search and see how quick and easy it is to find a guy with a pink polo with a popped collar. I mean it was like the first image to come up. Actually of the first 20 images I got to show up, 8 of the images were guys in pink polos with the collars popped.I really don’t have anything against the pink polo. It’s a fine enough item. And most men are afraid to wear pink. It somehow detracts from their manhood.
Let me go ahead and tell you that just because you have the gall to wear pink does not make you secure in your manhood. It is obvious that you are not. You add the popped collar and the cocky attitude and the awkwardly placed hat to let everyone know how cool you are so that you can feel validated.
POPPED COLLAR IS NOT EQUAL TO COOL! POPPED COLLAR EQUALS PUNCH IN THE FACE FROM BIG BLACK MAN!
That's right. I said it. They make me want to punch you in the face. Now I probably wouldn't punch either of the guys in these pictures. I would feel bad knocking out a little guy. But you know those giant corn fed frat guys who think they get a pass cause they are on the football team. Sitting the bench as a 3rd string Line Back does not give you a pass. It makes you a target.
The biggest stockpile of these stains on human fashion in Lexington is Saddle Ridge. I stood outside that place once. Friends on the patio looking completely depressed, trying to convince me and the others I was with that it would be a good idea to go inside. Then a group of 15 really hot women walked inside. That was incentive in the idea of going in. But not enough, as about 20 minutes later as we are still debating, like 20-25 guys, all in pastel hued polos with collars flying, walked through the doors. Paying the $5 cover and keeping me from the worst mistake of my life.
What would have transpired had I gone inside? I would probably have gotten in a fight. This was maybe a month after the wife had moved out and I was already in a pretty ongoing foul mood. There was really awful music playing, there was a lot of alcohol and there were stockpiles of frat boys for me to pick a fight with or for them to pick one with me. And in a drunken state I would have been more than happy to oblige. And it would have been quite the brawl, since that night, all my boys were out in force. I am talking about 20 guys all in the 6-foot tall range and for the most part big boys who can handle ourselves. It would have been us verse the rest of the bar and I would have totally put your money on us. And then the cops would show and I would have had to have my dad bail me and my little brother out of jail. Stellar.
Anyway, I digress. Needless to say that these 2 items of clothing get me pretty riled up. And if worn in tandem, I can only imagine the carnage that would ensue.
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Plight of the Feminist
So I have known some super feminist in my time. No offense ladies, but it is kind of annoying. I feel perfectly okay with saying that cause I am also annoyed with super Black Rights Activists. Yeah there is still prejudice in this world and country. Against both Black People and Women. But get off your high horse for one second and shut up. You extremist are basically Natzi's with an agenda that people are okay with. At least enough to put up with you.
But that is not the point of this blog. This is a rant about a minor amusement. The point that seems to set even the most super natzi feminist back to the late 40s. The driving question behind this point is, why is it always the guys responsibility to put themselves on the line in the initial ask out. Why is this something that most girls refuse to do.
Now dont give me some bull excuse about not wanting to hurt a man's pride. Thats a completely load and we all know it. Here is my thoughts on it. It's all about not wanting to get your feelings hurt. If you dont do the asking, getting a no is not an option.
No is one of the most powerful words in any language. It has the power to cut deep and hurt like no other word. It has the power to completely shatter someones confidence. The power to ruin a marriage. The power to ruin a life. And on the opposite side, it has the power to save and grow all of those things.
But the word no is the brunt of our topic today. By never being the one to ask, ladies, you save yourself from having to hear that word. You put yourself in a position of only getting to dish it out. thereby saving yourself the embarrassment and shame that we guys get to deal with on a regular basis. You save yourself that hurt under the guise of "It's the man's responsibility" and " I dont want to hurt his manly pride". Both ridiculous notions.
Christian women, you may be the worst on this point. The man as the spiritual leader of the home, takes on a stigma that needs to be reassessed. It is somehow coupled together that if a man doesn't ask he is weak and not a good leader. And on the other hand, supposedly the only type of women who will do the asking are power hungry man killers who will rule with an iron whip.
Why do either of these things have to be the case. Yes maybe the man is being a giant wuss and pansying out. Or maybe it is not a thought that had fully entered his mind and you making the ask has the potential to spark something that may never have happened otherwise. Let's face facts here people. For the most part, good guys are oblivious. The ones who are generally worth the effort and aren't going to treat you like crap, unfortunately, are the ones who will not pick up on "signals".
SIGNALS DON'T WORK!!!! NEVER HAVE!!!
Guys pick up on signals when it is about someone else. We can notice if a girl is hitting on our boy. When it comes to ourselves, they fly right over our head. And even when your boy tells you that that chick was diggin on ya, the next words out of our mouths will generally be, "Whatever dude. That so didn't happen." Its just the facts people.
Now jerks will not even bother with signals. Ladies you know this as well. Cause a lot of times you may be intentionally sending the signal "EEWWW you are scuzzy and should stay away from me." and yet still you have this bag rolling up on you like he's got your number already in his little black book. You then find yourself needing to be saved by your girlfriend, or even the good guy friend who you adore but he has no clue and to him the only signals he has seen is that you all are just friends.
And the mankillers. I know you all exist. And you scare me. Yes you will chew and spit out the good guy. You roll right over him on your way to the top, whatever that might be. But just because you ask a guy out does not put you in that category. But it does show a confidence that a lot of guys (good ones anyway) like. We want someone who understands who they are and that is comfortable with themselves. Is confident in themselves.
I more so than a lot of people have realized this point as of late. Both guys and girls, this is important. You cant be a fixer. If you go into a relationship looking to fix the person you are with, than you are cruising for a lot of hurt. And it is not like that is the only draw or even something that is a conscious thing. But any fixing needs to be done by the person and God. It just isnt something we should or can put on ourselves.
That being said, 2 confident people in a relationship will have a lot more staying power. Not confidence that seeks to overshadow your partner. But knowing what you want in life and both partners seeking to find those things together. Confidence that says you would go to the ends of the earth with each other and know that the other person feels the same way.
Now I know that you asking does not necessarily speak those words. Sometimes you are just crazy and have no relational awareness. Sometimes you are just tired of being confused and need to know.
But the point is, that sometimes it can be a good thing to put yourself on the line. And being a guy here, it is really freaking taxing to always be the one on the line. That possible "no" holds us back a lot too. It's not an easy thing to overcome. But while yes may not always be the direct response, sometimes it isnt always no either. Sometimes you get to enter into a friendship that is completely open and has even more potential to flourish into what you are hoping for. And sometimes that friendship will be where it ends, but thats okay too.
Do I think there is some girl out there that has a thing for me and just wont tell me. No. That is by no means why this was written. Actually that is one of the farthest things from my mind. My self esteem likes to tell me that that is definitely not the case and I am doomed to fall into friendzone for eternity. And dont everyone go and just start blurting everything out to this long time crush you have had. Have some sense people. Relational intelligence still has a place. I'm just saying sometimes its okay.
But that is not the point of this blog. This is a rant about a minor amusement. The point that seems to set even the most super natzi feminist back to the late 40s. The driving question behind this point is, why is it always the guys responsibility to put themselves on the line in the initial ask out. Why is this something that most girls refuse to do.
Now dont give me some bull excuse about not wanting to hurt a man's pride. Thats a completely load and we all know it. Here is my thoughts on it. It's all about not wanting to get your feelings hurt. If you dont do the asking, getting a no is not an option.
No is one of the most powerful words in any language. It has the power to cut deep and hurt like no other word. It has the power to completely shatter someones confidence. The power to ruin a marriage. The power to ruin a life. And on the opposite side, it has the power to save and grow all of those things.
But the word no is the brunt of our topic today. By never being the one to ask, ladies, you save yourself from having to hear that word. You put yourself in a position of only getting to dish it out. thereby saving yourself the embarrassment and shame that we guys get to deal with on a regular basis. You save yourself that hurt under the guise of "It's the man's responsibility" and " I dont want to hurt his manly pride". Both ridiculous notions.
Christian women, you may be the worst on this point. The man as the spiritual leader of the home, takes on a stigma that needs to be reassessed. It is somehow coupled together that if a man doesn't ask he is weak and not a good leader. And on the other hand, supposedly the only type of women who will do the asking are power hungry man killers who will rule with an iron whip.
Why do either of these things have to be the case. Yes maybe the man is being a giant wuss and pansying out. Or maybe it is not a thought that had fully entered his mind and you making the ask has the potential to spark something that may never have happened otherwise. Let's face facts here people. For the most part, good guys are oblivious. The ones who are generally worth the effort and aren't going to treat you like crap, unfortunately, are the ones who will not pick up on "signals".
SIGNALS DON'T WORK!!!! NEVER HAVE!!!
Guys pick up on signals when it is about someone else. We can notice if a girl is hitting on our boy. When it comes to ourselves, they fly right over our head. And even when your boy tells you that that chick was diggin on ya, the next words out of our mouths will generally be, "Whatever dude. That so didn't happen." Its just the facts people.
Now jerks will not even bother with signals. Ladies you know this as well. Cause a lot of times you may be intentionally sending the signal "EEWWW you are scuzzy and should stay away from me." and yet still you have this bag rolling up on you like he's got your number already in his little black book. You then find yourself needing to be saved by your girlfriend, or even the good guy friend who you adore but he has no clue and to him the only signals he has seen is that you all are just friends.
And the mankillers. I know you all exist. And you scare me. Yes you will chew and spit out the good guy. You roll right over him on your way to the top, whatever that might be. But just because you ask a guy out does not put you in that category. But it does show a confidence that a lot of guys (good ones anyway) like. We want someone who understands who they are and that is comfortable with themselves. Is confident in themselves.
I more so than a lot of people have realized this point as of late. Both guys and girls, this is important. You cant be a fixer. If you go into a relationship looking to fix the person you are with, than you are cruising for a lot of hurt. And it is not like that is the only draw or even something that is a conscious thing. But any fixing needs to be done by the person and God. It just isnt something we should or can put on ourselves.
That being said, 2 confident people in a relationship will have a lot more staying power. Not confidence that seeks to overshadow your partner. But knowing what you want in life and both partners seeking to find those things together. Confidence that says you would go to the ends of the earth with each other and know that the other person feels the same way.
Now I know that you asking does not necessarily speak those words. Sometimes you are just crazy and have no relational awareness. Sometimes you are just tired of being confused and need to know.
But the point is, that sometimes it can be a good thing to put yourself on the line. And being a guy here, it is really freaking taxing to always be the one on the line. That possible "no" holds us back a lot too. It's not an easy thing to overcome. But while yes may not always be the direct response, sometimes it isnt always no either. Sometimes you get to enter into a friendship that is completely open and has even more potential to flourish into what you are hoping for. And sometimes that friendship will be where it ends, but thats okay too.
Do I think there is some girl out there that has a thing for me and just wont tell me. No. That is by no means why this was written. Actually that is one of the farthest things from my mind. My self esteem likes to tell me that that is definitely not the case and I am doomed to fall into friendzone for eternity. And dont everyone go and just start blurting everything out to this long time crush you have had. Have some sense people. Relational intelligence still has a place. I'm just saying sometimes its okay.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Art of The Hug
Okay so here is the first in a series of rantings that I am sure you are so excited to read.
There is an art to giving a good hug. I am told I give pretty good ones. I am not calling myself an authority or anything like that. Just giving my personal opinion on what I consider a good hug, and what your "hugging language" might be saying.
Now there are obviously differences between hugging someone of the same sex as yourself and hugging someone of the opposite sex. Girls I am going to let you figure out the Girl/Girl hug on your own. As I will never understand how you all think I cannot therefor make comment on a subject that will never involve me.
The Guy/Guy Hug
There are definite no nos in the guy guy hug. Let me start by saying that the side hug between dudes is generally not a solid idea. It has its place every now and then but is not normal.
Now there is a difference between a side hug and the "I've got my arm around the shoulders of my buddy and we are just chilling here." Now where the side hug often requires waste action on someones part, the buddy stand holds to the shoulder region. It can be an uncomfortable position should there be a significant height difference between the parties involved and then waste is required by the shorter of the 2. But closely heighted people can often stand comfortably with both parties able to put their arm up around the back of the neck and onto the opposite shoulder.
The constitution of those involved and the level of friendship will determine how long this stance will last. That is left up to those involved and there is no required amount of time.
The standard guy/guy hug is very simple. It is the hand shake that morphs itself into a hug. Both parties enter with the right hand for a nice firm shake. The left arm then goes around the outside of the shoulder. The right hand tends to end up somewhere in the middle of the back and give a firm but not "I'm gonna shatter your spine" pat. This pat can be done either with an open hand or with a fist. I know the fist sounds mean but it is not. And the fist is often resorted to when the hug is with someone you haven't seen in some time. It somehow makes the hug more impactful and meaningful.
The same goes for the direct guy/guy hug. Where the handshake can serve as a barrier between people, the straight hug is the more intimate of the 2. There is a specific way to go about this. It is best that everyone be on the same page so as to avoid the "which way are you gonna go so we dont look like we are about to kiss."
The right arm of both parties goes up as the left arm goes down. This basically creates an x pattern with the arms. The head always goes to the left. Basically each dudes right cheek are in touching proximity. Generally there is not a cheek touch. If there is space to keep faces separated, that is recommended. Some dudes have bigger heads or arms than others that can cause a cheek touch. This is not a bad thing, it just may shorten the length of the hug based on how comfortable each person is with such a thing.
Now there are other guy/guy hugs that just get awkward. They are generally saved for the guy/girl section and can make for an awkward situation. As guys are generally very okay with not touching each other, sticking to these forms will save an awkward situation.
The Guy/Girl Hug
There are many forms of hugs between guys and girls depending on the level of friendship or intimacy between the parties. You would also think that there should be a hug instigator at all times for these hugs. And that generally one would let the girl be the one to let you know how much or what kind of a hug is going to be allowed. But this is not always the case. So there is no real rule to follow on when it is okay. Just watch your cues. There is a fine line between friends hugging and a creepy guy giving you a hug you dont want. Or a scary girl freaking you out. You tend to know pretty well the bonds that have been formed between you and your friends or loved ones. Unless of course relational intelligence just completely flies over your head.
First, the side hug. Most all of these hugs are pretty easy to come by as girls tend to be the shorter of the parties involved. The side hug falls easily in that realm. Generally a pretty quick hug, it just involves the guy putting his arm around the back and shoulders of the girl as the girl places her arm around the back and waste. Pretty simple.
Girls, as is the case with all these hugs, it is okay to lean into the guys chest. Head on chest does not signify that you want to get with this guy. It does however say we are friends, this hug is okay and I am not afraid of you. In all cases, if you stiffen up and keep an upright posture, you are going to tend to send the signal that you are offput by this whole situation. Dont nuzzle and make cooing noisesor anything like that. That will freak him out unless you are dating said person. But it is okay to lean in. He's a big strapping man who can support you.
Next there are a couple types of straight forward hugs. Well not really. There are just various arm positions. And it is important to know that most friendships between girls and guys will start with the side hug. It is the beginnings of a close relationship. But there is still the levels of knowing where you stand with this person, which isnt as hard to decipher when dealing with the same sex. Unfortunately gender lines exist and need to be minded.
Most of the time because the girl is shorter than the guy, the arms are going to tend to go around the waste of the guy as the arms of the guy are around the shoulders and head of the girl. Now guys, your intent is not to smother the girl. But the arms up high draw in and add a level of comfort and "this is a safe place where I can relax." Girls its okay to give a squeeze around the waste. And length of these hugs are indeterminate. Generally one person or the other begins the pull away.
The next more intimate hug is when the girl reaches up and puts their arms around the neck and head of the guy as the guys arms are then around her waste. These hugs are generally from a deep love that has formed between friends. I say generally. And I dont mean they are "involved." But there is a connection a lot of times. This is also a hug that often happens when friends havent seen each other in a while. It is also a hug that can be kind of fun as the guy then has the leverage and stability to pick the girl up should that be something that seems like it is in the cards. Now the pick up is generally found in a dating relationship, but works for long lost friends as well.
Girls if you are taller than the guy, this is going to tend to be the way you have to go. It is not common but it does happen. And height matters in this one. Sometimes the girl has to work more to perform this hug. It can be difficult if there is a significant height difference. And that is part of the advancement in intimacy of this one. It is more involved and means that more effort is put in. It is also harder for a guy to get his arms into a proper position around a girls waste should she be a lt shorter than he is.
Now the x pattern hug that was discussed in the guy/guy section is also allowed and used in the guy/girl hug. It has a level of familiarity but at the same time can be more impersonal than the side hug. Guys especially would normally rather do a side hug than the x hug with girls. I dont have an explanation for why. But I have a feeling that the same goes for most girls. And sometimes it is just a speed thing. And there are levels of intimacy that are added by the length of this hug and if you are hugging a person and telling them something. Not whispering sweet nothings in their ear, but maybe giving them an encouragement or telling them you love them from a really honest place of friendship.
NOTE: Guys, if the girl starts the pull away, that means the hug is over. Dont be a putz and keep holding on. You will freak her out. If it is a girl that you like and someday would like to date, this fact is very important. Right now you are just friends. And maybe never more. But to pull her back in will creep her out and future friend hugs will become less likely and future dating possibilities will be even more scarce. Girls, do what you want for the most part. Even if the guy is a bit weirded out, you really arent going to do any harm. We have a short memory of things like that. Unless of course you are just creepy to us to begin with. If we were already creeped out by you, you should be able to tell. Of course the creepy girls never really know they are creepy do they. If he willingly offers to hug you and you dont have to ask, your fine. You should know how good of a friend you are with this guy. Girls are generally more relationally and emotionally on point than guys are. But in general you are okay to pull back in or hold on longer. We wont mind. And not that is not a physical or sexual thing. We just wont mind.
One last hug I want to discuss. The back hug. One person walks up behind another and puts their arms around their shoulders and neck area. Generally the party that is up front will reach up and hold on to the arms of the person behind them in some fashion. Guys this is not a natural hug for men to do together. It is awkward and weird. But I have been known to be in this situation and I am completely secure in my manhood and know that we are great friends who goof off and its kind of funny. Girls it is very difficult for you to be the person in the back in this form of hug. Generally if you are it is because you are dating the person. And also generally your arms will go around his waste and not his shoulders and you are leaning into his back and holding on tight to him. Now if you are performing this hug to a guy that is just a friend, they are generally a really good friend and there is generally a continuation that comes pretty quickly. The turnaround and into one of the other forms of hugs. In a dating relationship the back hug will tend to last a lot longer. It also depends on whether the person you are hugging was talking to someone else and that is why you approached them from behind to give them this hug. Guys make sure your arms are in an appropriate place. Around the shoulders. Do not go lower and be an idiot who is just a dirty perve. You might get slapped. If you are dating the girl, I still say go around the shoulders. For something more intimate still, you can put your arms in low around their waste and put your head in close to theirs. Or wrap theirs arms intertwined with yours to form the full hug. This hug involves very intentional planning all around and is not for the relationally challenged at all.
I believe that ends this lesson. Stay tuned for more. And yes I could have typed more and made this much longer. That is the nature of the longwinded rant.
There is an art to giving a good hug. I am told I give pretty good ones. I am not calling myself an authority or anything like that. Just giving my personal opinion on what I consider a good hug, and what your "hugging language" might be saying.
Now there are obviously differences between hugging someone of the same sex as yourself and hugging someone of the opposite sex. Girls I am going to let you figure out the Girl/Girl hug on your own. As I will never understand how you all think I cannot therefor make comment on a subject that will never involve me.
The Guy/Guy Hug
There are definite no nos in the guy guy hug. Let me start by saying that the side hug between dudes is generally not a solid idea. It has its place every now and then but is not normal.
Now there is a difference between a side hug and the "I've got my arm around the shoulders of my buddy and we are just chilling here." Now where the side hug often requires waste action on someones part, the buddy stand holds to the shoulder region. It can be an uncomfortable position should there be a significant height difference between the parties involved and then waste is required by the shorter of the 2. But closely heighted people can often stand comfortably with both parties able to put their arm up around the back of the neck and onto the opposite shoulder.The constitution of those involved and the level of friendship will determine how long this stance will last. That is left up to those involved and there is no required amount of time.
The standard guy/guy hug is very simple. It is the hand shake that morphs itself into a hug. Both parties enter with the right hand for a nice firm shake. The left arm then goes around the outside of the shoulder. The right hand tends to end up somewhere in the middle of the back and give a firm but not "I'm gonna shatter your spine" pat. This pat can be done either with an open hand or with a fist. I know the fist sounds mean but it is not. And the fist is often resorted to when the hug is with someone you haven't seen in some time. It somehow makes the hug more impactful and meaningful.The same goes for the direct guy/guy hug. Where the handshake can serve as a barrier between people, the straight hug is the more intimate of the 2. There is a specific way to go about this. It is best that everyone be on the same page so as to avoid the "which way are you gonna go so we dont look like we are about to kiss."
The right arm of both parties goes up as the left arm goes down. This basically creates an x pattern with the arms. The head always goes to the left. Basically each dudes right cheek are in touching proximity. Generally there is not a cheek touch. If there is space to keep faces separated, that is recommended. Some dudes have bigger heads or arms than others that can cause a cheek touch. This is not a bad thing, it just may shorten the length of the hug based on how comfortable each person is with such a thing.Now there are other guy/guy hugs that just get awkward. They are generally saved for the guy/girl section and can make for an awkward situation. As guys are generally very okay with not touching each other, sticking to these forms will save an awkward situation.
The Guy/Girl Hug
There are many forms of hugs between guys and girls depending on the level of friendship or intimacy between the parties. You would also think that there should be a hug instigator at all times for these hugs. And that generally one would let the girl be the one to let you know how much or what kind of a hug is going to be allowed. But this is not always the case. So there is no real rule to follow on when it is okay. Just watch your cues. There is a fine line between friends hugging and a creepy guy giving you a hug you dont want. Or a scary girl freaking you out. You tend to know pretty well the bonds that have been formed between you and your friends or loved ones. Unless of course relational intelligence just completely flies over your head.
First, the side hug. Most all of these hugs are pretty easy to come by as girls tend to be the shorter of the parties involved. The side hug falls easily in that realm. Generally a pretty quick hug, it just involves the guy putting his arm around the back and shoulders of the girl as the girl places her arm around the back and waste. Pretty simple.
Girls, as is the case with all these hugs, it is okay to lean into the guys chest. Head on chest does not signify that you want to get with this guy. It does however say we are friends, this hug is okay and I am not afraid of you. In all cases, if you stiffen up and keep an upright posture, you are going to tend to send the signal that you are offput by this whole situation. Dont nuzzle and make cooing noisesor anything like that. That will freak him out unless you are dating said person. But it is okay to lean in. He's a big strapping man who can support you.
Next there are a couple types of straight forward hugs. Well not really. There are just various arm positions. And it is important to know that most friendships between girls and guys will start with the side hug. It is the beginnings of a close relationship. But there is still the levels of knowing where you stand with this person, which isnt as hard to decipher when dealing with the same sex. Unfortunately gender lines exist and need to be minded.
Most of the time because the girl is shorter than the guy, the arms are going to tend to go around the waste of the guy as the arms of the guy are around the shoulders and head of the girl. Now guys, your intent is not to smother the girl. But the arms up high draw in and add a level of comfort and "this is a safe place where I can relax." Girls its okay to give a squeeze around the waste. And length of these hugs are indeterminate. Generally one person or the other begins the pull away.
The next more intimate hug is when the girl reaches up and puts their arms around the neck and head of the guy as the guys arms are then around her waste. These hugs are generally from a deep love that has formed between friends. I say generally. And I dont mean they are "involved." But there is a connection a lot of times. This is also a hug that often happens when friends havent seen each other in a while. It is also a hug that can be kind of fun as the guy then has the leverage and stability to pick the girl up should that be something that seems like it is in the cards. Now the pick up is generally found in a dating relationship, but works for long lost friends as well.Girls if you are taller than the guy, this is going to tend to be the way you have to go. It is not common but it does happen. And height matters in this one. Sometimes the girl has to work more to perform this hug. It can be difficult if there is a significant height difference. And that is part of the advancement in intimacy of this one. It is more involved and means that more effort is put in. It is also harder for a guy to get his arms into a proper position around a girls waste should she be a lt shorter than he is.
Now the x pattern hug that was discussed in the guy/guy section is also allowed and used in the guy/girl hug. It has a level of familiarity but at the same time can be more impersonal than the side hug. Guys especially would normally rather do a side hug than the x hug with girls. I dont have an explanation for why. But I have a feeling that the same goes for most girls. And sometimes it is just a speed thing. And there are levels of intimacy that are added by the length of this hug and if you are hugging a person and telling them something. Not whispering sweet nothings in their ear, but maybe giving them an encouragement or telling them you love them from a really honest place of friendship.
NOTE: Guys, if the girl starts the pull away, that means the hug is over. Dont be a putz and keep holding on. You will freak her out. If it is a girl that you like and someday would like to date, this fact is very important. Right now you are just friends. And maybe never more. But to pull her back in will creep her out and future friend hugs will become less likely and future dating possibilities will be even more scarce. Girls, do what you want for the most part. Even if the guy is a bit weirded out, you really arent going to do any harm. We have a short memory of things like that. Unless of course you are just creepy to us to begin with. If we were already creeped out by you, you should be able to tell. Of course the creepy girls never really know they are creepy do they. If he willingly offers to hug you and you dont have to ask, your fine. You should know how good of a friend you are with this guy. Girls are generally more relationally and emotionally on point than guys are. But in general you are okay to pull back in or hold on longer. We wont mind. And not that is not a physical or sexual thing. We just wont mind.
One last hug I want to discuss. The back hug. One person walks up behind another and puts their arms around their shoulders and neck area. Generally the party that is up front will reach up and hold on to the arms of the person behind them in some fashion. Guys this is not a natural hug for men to do together. It is awkward and weird. But I have been known to be in this situation and I am completely secure in my manhood and know that we are great friends who goof off and its kind of funny. Girls it is very difficult for you to be the person in the back in this form of hug. Generally if you are it is because you are dating the person. And also generally your arms will go around his waste and not his shoulders and you are leaning into his back and holding on tight to him. Now if you are performing this hug to a guy that is just a friend, they are generally a really good friend and there is generally a continuation that comes pretty quickly. The turnaround and into one of the other forms of hugs. In a dating relationship the back hug will tend to last a lot longer. It also depends on whether the person you are hugging was talking to someone else and that is why you approached them from behind to give them this hug. Guys make sure your arms are in an appropriate place. Around the shoulders. Do not go lower and be an idiot who is just a dirty perve. You might get slapped. If you are dating the girl, I still say go around the shoulders. For something more intimate still, you can put your arms in low around their waste and put your head in close to theirs. Or wrap theirs arms intertwined with yours to form the full hug. This hug involves very intentional planning all around and is not for the relationally challenged at all.I believe that ends this lesson. Stay tuned for more. And yes I could have typed more and made this much longer. That is the nature of the longwinded rant.
The Concept
So here is the idea behind this blog. Ms. Jerica Wallace pointed out to me yesterday that I can rant about anything. Give me a topic and a keyboard and I can write long winded nonsense to fill even the most mundane of topics.
Well that is what you are going to get here. Either a topic of my choosing or one that someone suggest to me. It will just be my musings on such topics. I already know what the first one is about as I was ranting about it to Jerica yesterday that spurred this whole idea. But it is almost 2 am now, I think I will save it for later on. Give it a few hours and you'll see how this is going to go.
Now dont hold me to just rantings. I may periodically have something serious to say, or even just goofy or just some random video I find on YouTube. You never know.
Well that is what you are going to get here. Either a topic of my choosing or one that someone suggest to me. It will just be my musings on such topics. I already know what the first one is about as I was ranting about it to Jerica yesterday that spurred this whole idea. But it is almost 2 am now, I think I will save it for later on. Give it a few hours and you'll see how this is going to go.
Now dont hold me to just rantings. I may periodically have something serious to say, or even just goofy or just some random video I find on YouTube. You never know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)