So some things for today. I'll start with the realizations that then do the old friends. End on a chipper note as it were.
First realization. You ever think to yourself, "I am too attached to this thing. Could I make it without it?" You tell yourself of course and then go on about your business using that thing endlessly without fail. Then one day this thing is no longer there. You miss it. You mourn it. You think about a new one. But then you get used to not having it. Turns out you can actually function without it. At least for a time. But the day comes when you realize "I really am in serious need of this thing. It has been this long and I had the space that I could go without. But now I am in desperate need on lots of fronts."
Have you had that trail of conversations with yourself. Maybe not. Maybe I should stop talking to myself. Maybe I'm a little weird.
Anyway, I am at that crossroads on the back end. I really need a new laptop. So many things are on pause without it. Its starting to effect things that need attention. I have websites to design. Music to write. Images to work on. Business plans to complete. Design work to do. Its really starting to come to a head. So that is what I need to figure out this Christmas. Can I find the money to get myself a new laptop. A Mac Laptop. I may be able to do one of those small Dells that I can convert to a Mac. I don't know if I can run Photoshop on it though because of the screen resolution requirements. But I really need something so I can get caught up on all these projects at hand. Lots to do. I gladly will accept any help anyone is willing or able to offer.
The second realization is not so much. It's a consistent thought. My job makes me borderline psychotic. There are little jabs daily that are like needles in my spine everyday. It's really far beyond the lifespan that I should have been here. I think I probably need to start getting prayed off everyday after I leave work. It sets my heart up so badly everyday. I try to choose well and struggle through all the time. Try to shut off frustration and pride, comparison. Constantly asking Jesus for the strength. Like not just a day to day basis. Often times hour to hour. Time to start my business. Time to attack this thing head on. The laptop will help me finish my business plan and get things rolling.
On that same thought, I think I am gonna start shooting portraits again. Start going out with people and doing some pieces to build my photography portfolio. I have some thoughts lined up to do recording work and even video and graphic design stuff to start building those portfolios too. Pray for the drive. I can easily choose tiredness and laziness in free time when I need to choose to do the work to make this dream come true.
So old friends. I got to have lunch with my friend Stuart, his wife, and his family. I haven't seen Stu in almost 2 years I believe. He is in the air force and is right now stationed near Seattle. Today was his birthday so I got to go spend lunch at Chick Fil-a with them. Also my friend Chad who I haven't seen in quite some time and Brandon. It was awesome getting to spend a couple hours with them. Catching up on how everyone was doing. Joking around like it hasn't been years since we've seen each other but rather days. It was great.
It was also fun to see my heart change in the middle of it. Got to talk about the Uprising and what Jesus is doing at Quest and how I love getting to be a part of it. Got to experience seeing old friends and their wives and hearing about what they are getting to do without at all feeling comparison and jealousy. One friend just had his first kid on Monday. One owns a nice house with his wife. Stuart has a great lovely wife who wanted to get some of his old friends together to celebrate him and interacted with us like she was a part of our high school days all along. And on top of that Stuart flies all over the world literally in a giant airplane that he has space to play Frisbee in. How awesome is that. And I feel no bit of "what about me?" I feel nothing but joy at getting to see my friends. Thankfulness for the life Jesus is letting me lead. Anticipation and eagerness for the future. I mean flying over the polar ice caps on a trip back from 3 days in Germany is pretty sweet. Getting to do what I do is just as amazing. Love it.
And fact. I miss my friends. Stuart especially. Forgot how much that guy meant to me. How much his friendship mattered for all those years and still does. I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with real class acts like Stuart Fraser. Happy 29th my friend.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Lessons From A First Date
Okay I am gonna write this. Since tonight I have date #2, seems like a decent time. Before I start, let me just say that the voting numbers are very close on my poll. Seems the masses are split on whether I should get my braids back or not. More than just the 11 voters on here have weighed in verbally. Very down the middle on this one. Okay onto the blog at hand.
Lessons From A First Date
Now this is the first time I have been out with someone in this capacity since my split 3 years ago. There have been platonic things, not dates that could have been, awkward here we are type moments. But this is the first intentional, i am interested in you so I will ask you out, date that I have been on. So here we go. In no particular order.
Lesson #1 Having A Plan
Now guys, we are supposed to put these things together. At least the first few. I think the more you get into them the more you can plan together and things like that. But this first one is ours. Let me go ahead and tell residents of Lexington, KY. Winter after 9 o' clock is not easy to work with. After that clock strikes 9 in Lexington, the only things that are open are restaurants and bars and some coffee shops but I was really folding that into the restaurant. Things that would possibly be great options of fun things to do are all of a sudden closed or it is too cold for. But I also am not sure if a big activity is a requirement for a first date. I mean I wanted to get to know her. Obviously no movies guys. No matter how much you like John Cusack as an actor you don't want to get to know his end of the world escaping character. You want to know her. But is just going to dinner okay? Throwing darts or playing pool or something at a bar seems very much like buddy buddy activities. Sure might be fun but how much do you get to know someone from watching them throw a dart. So the lesson here? It's not easy. Be creative or be lucky. Me I think I got a little lucky. We both had early early mornings the next day. So simple was an option. And it's good to not over complicate things. I had fun getting to just talk with her. And that takes me to...
Lesson #2 Interviewing Skills
This sounds like a not great thing. Sounds formal and like it would make for a bad date. But lets be honest. Unless you have been super close friends with this person for a long time, it is probably more likely that there is a ton you don't know about them. And it's all stuff you want to know. Or at least it is stuff you should want to know in the long run. So yeah, there is a lot of question and answer. There is really very little way around it. I know it may seem like a formality, but I am pretty sure I wanted to know about her family. I want to know her likes and dislikes. So quit with trying to make smooth one liners to impress and be you and learn her.
Lesson #3 The Hoopty
Cars... points of pride for a lot of guys. Myself included. Driving a bad car is somehow a shot at our manhood. Same thing happened at my senior prom in high school. I couldn't go to the prom in my 1985 Honda Accord. That would be embarrassing. Now I had the added excuse this time of the next morning I was gonna be carting people and gear to our Frankfort campus for church. So I borrowed my mom's Trailblazer. It used to be my Trailblazer. I miss driving it. But that isn't the point. The point is that I had the added advantage of going on my date in a nice car. Here comes the kicker. Date number 2 tonight will be in my 1992 Toyota Camry. Will it explode? I hope not. Will it rattle kind of weird cause there is something wrong with it? Most assuredly. Is it a wreck inside and I desperately need to clean it out? Most definitely. But there is no real way around it. It is my car and sooner or later if we get to go on more dates, my clunker of a car was gonna be on display. So be it. Suck it up. It's just a car. Someday I will have something better and right now this is what I got so I will suck it up.
Lesson #4 Lulls in the Conversation
You don't have to fill the silence with idol nonsense but you try to avoid awkward silence. Those that are too long. I think we did a pretty good job. Conversation moved on pretty well. Learned a lot. I think there is only one instance when I drew a blank and that takes me to...
Lesson #5 People Have a Way of Making Things Weird
By this I mean people you know or who know you. Now I knew I wasn't gonna see any of my friends or family at Buddy's on a Saturday night. I was unprepared for the awkward waitress. Someone who supposedly knows my family and thereby knows me from afar. By the time she came by the table the 4th time to, as it seems, just chat, I was completely confused, a little scared I was being stalked, and utterly out of words for a little bit. I really don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe, be prepared for anything. But how in the world do you prepare for a weird girl saying she knows your mom and went swimming with her this summer and that my mom is gonna love that she saw me out on my date. Then to talk to my mom the next day and my mom have never heard this girl's name was a bit creepy. But my mom is really bad with names. But this girl made it sound like they were close pals who hung out all the time. My mom does know her but not to the extent this girl eluded to. This left me feeling awkward to say the least which is..
Lesson #6 Awkward Moments are Inevitable
Avoid them as you might and try your best to steer clear of them. They will happen. I don't care how smooth you are. How much game you got. I don't think there is anyway around at least one awkward moment. One in particular is almost completely unavoidable. I am sure there are ways but I don't know them. Shout out right here to Mary Margaret. Not only did she get to witness this awkward moment, she got to dog me about it the next day. And agrees it is unavoidable. What is this unavoidable moment? Walking your date to the door when the date is over. The only way you avoid trying to figure out what this looks like is if you go the jerk route and don't walk her to the door. Chivalry is not dead guys. Do it. But the porch on a first date is all kinds of weird. Here is why. What do you do to end the time? What do the different options mean? I'm pretty sure if she shakes your hand you aren't getting a second date. Well to throw back some dogging at Mary, hand shakes aren't awkward at all right? :) Okay so no hand shakes. How do you hug then? The wrong hug, as discussed in a much earlier blog, can send all kinds of messages between girls and guys. Do you "X-Hug", "Over Under". I have no idea really. Just don't do the "Ass Out Hug." It's weird looking and odd. Just a simple hug will suffice. I guess if you are really ballsy on a first date you will go with the Hitch tactic. Go 90 let her come the other 10. If you don't know what I am talking about, go watch Hitch with Will Smith. It's good. Oh and if you think the way to avoid things being awkward is to discuss how things are going to happen, that is false. It is actually counter intuitive. Makes things more awkward. :) Also, I am not sure on this but here is what I think. Do not enter their house without being invited. No matter how long the pause at the door. Supposedly, I was clear to come in for a little bit but it seems rude to me to come in without being invited. Respectful. So even though it was a bit strange for a minute, I would do the same later.
So anyway. I am sure there are more lessons I learned. More things I will learn. I'm glad I get to go out with her again.
Lessons From A First Date
Now this is the first time I have been out with someone in this capacity since my split 3 years ago. There have been platonic things, not dates that could have been, awkward here we are type moments. But this is the first intentional, i am interested in you so I will ask you out, date that I have been on. So here we go. In no particular order.
Lesson #1 Having A Plan
Now guys, we are supposed to put these things together. At least the first few. I think the more you get into them the more you can plan together and things like that. But this first one is ours. Let me go ahead and tell residents of Lexington, KY. Winter after 9 o' clock is not easy to work with. After that clock strikes 9 in Lexington, the only things that are open are restaurants and bars and some coffee shops but I was really folding that into the restaurant. Things that would possibly be great options of fun things to do are all of a sudden closed or it is too cold for. But I also am not sure if a big activity is a requirement for a first date. I mean I wanted to get to know her. Obviously no movies guys. No matter how much you like John Cusack as an actor you don't want to get to know his end of the world escaping character. You want to know her. But is just going to dinner okay? Throwing darts or playing pool or something at a bar seems very much like buddy buddy activities. Sure might be fun but how much do you get to know someone from watching them throw a dart. So the lesson here? It's not easy. Be creative or be lucky. Me I think I got a little lucky. We both had early early mornings the next day. So simple was an option. And it's good to not over complicate things. I had fun getting to just talk with her. And that takes me to...
Lesson #2 Interviewing Skills
This sounds like a not great thing. Sounds formal and like it would make for a bad date. But lets be honest. Unless you have been super close friends with this person for a long time, it is probably more likely that there is a ton you don't know about them. And it's all stuff you want to know. Or at least it is stuff you should want to know in the long run. So yeah, there is a lot of question and answer. There is really very little way around it. I know it may seem like a formality, but I am pretty sure I wanted to know about her family. I want to know her likes and dislikes. So quit with trying to make smooth one liners to impress and be you and learn her.
Lesson #3 The Hoopty
Cars... points of pride for a lot of guys. Myself included. Driving a bad car is somehow a shot at our manhood. Same thing happened at my senior prom in high school. I couldn't go to the prom in my 1985 Honda Accord. That would be embarrassing. Now I had the added excuse this time of the next morning I was gonna be carting people and gear to our Frankfort campus for church. So I borrowed my mom's Trailblazer. It used to be my Trailblazer. I miss driving it. But that isn't the point. The point is that I had the added advantage of going on my date in a nice car. Here comes the kicker. Date number 2 tonight will be in my 1992 Toyota Camry. Will it explode? I hope not. Will it rattle kind of weird cause there is something wrong with it? Most assuredly. Is it a wreck inside and I desperately need to clean it out? Most definitely. But there is no real way around it. It is my car and sooner or later if we get to go on more dates, my clunker of a car was gonna be on display. So be it. Suck it up. It's just a car. Someday I will have something better and right now this is what I got so I will suck it up.
Lesson #4 Lulls in the Conversation
You don't have to fill the silence with idol nonsense but you try to avoid awkward silence. Those that are too long. I think we did a pretty good job. Conversation moved on pretty well. Learned a lot. I think there is only one instance when I drew a blank and that takes me to...
Lesson #5 People Have a Way of Making Things Weird
By this I mean people you know or who know you. Now I knew I wasn't gonna see any of my friends or family at Buddy's on a Saturday night. I was unprepared for the awkward waitress. Someone who supposedly knows my family and thereby knows me from afar. By the time she came by the table the 4th time to, as it seems, just chat, I was completely confused, a little scared I was being stalked, and utterly out of words for a little bit. I really don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe, be prepared for anything. But how in the world do you prepare for a weird girl saying she knows your mom and went swimming with her this summer and that my mom is gonna love that she saw me out on my date. Then to talk to my mom the next day and my mom have never heard this girl's name was a bit creepy. But my mom is really bad with names. But this girl made it sound like they were close pals who hung out all the time. My mom does know her but not to the extent this girl eluded to. This left me feeling awkward to say the least which is..
Lesson #6 Awkward Moments are Inevitable
Avoid them as you might and try your best to steer clear of them. They will happen. I don't care how smooth you are. How much game you got. I don't think there is anyway around at least one awkward moment. One in particular is almost completely unavoidable. I am sure there are ways but I don't know them. Shout out right here to Mary Margaret. Not only did she get to witness this awkward moment, she got to dog me about it the next day. And agrees it is unavoidable. What is this unavoidable moment? Walking your date to the door when the date is over. The only way you avoid trying to figure out what this looks like is if you go the jerk route and don't walk her to the door. Chivalry is not dead guys. Do it. But the porch on a first date is all kinds of weird. Here is why. What do you do to end the time? What do the different options mean? I'm pretty sure if she shakes your hand you aren't getting a second date. Well to throw back some dogging at Mary, hand shakes aren't awkward at all right? :) Okay so no hand shakes. How do you hug then? The wrong hug, as discussed in a much earlier blog, can send all kinds of messages between girls and guys. Do you "X-Hug", "Over Under". I have no idea really. Just don't do the "Ass Out Hug." It's weird looking and odd. Just a simple hug will suffice. I guess if you are really ballsy on a first date you will go with the Hitch tactic. Go 90 let her come the other 10. If you don't know what I am talking about, go watch Hitch with Will Smith. It's good. Oh and if you think the way to avoid things being awkward is to discuss how things are going to happen, that is false. It is actually counter intuitive. Makes things more awkward. :) Also, I am not sure on this but here is what I think. Do not enter their house without being invited. No matter how long the pause at the door. Supposedly, I was clear to come in for a little bit but it seems rude to me to come in without being invited. Respectful. So even though it was a bit strange for a minute, I would do the same later.
So anyway. I am sure there are more lessons I learned. More things I will learn. I'm glad I get to go out with her again.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Still in Awe
Man, good stuff keeps coming. Its been a great couple weeks. Just having a really great time trusting Jesus. Loving Him. Letting Him love me. Being exposed to stuff that gets to be rooted out of my flawed character. Getting to move forward in so many ways. Indescribable. But I want to focus down.
1st let me start with some huge news. I got a letter in the mail the other day. If I understood the legal ramifications and wording, I think something that would have cost me almost $20,000 has been dropped. There is lots of stuff still on the table from the financial downfall that divorce creates. One was the house that I owned. It was foreclosed on and there was a second mortgage on it that the foreclosure didnt even begin to touch. Well I hadnt heard word of anything in quite some time. Only to receive this letter saying that at the advice of legal council charges have been dropped. Scary on one level that I didnt even know I was being sued. But Hallelujah, that is a huge chunk of money that was just forgiven. That't huge. That is a huge marker of Jesus' good favor to me recently.
Secondly, and much more fun than that last one, for those who don't know, I got to go on a date last weekend. It was a lot of fun just getting to really talk to her one on one and spend some time with her. I learned a lot about her and a lot about something I dont think I had ever really had a real one of before. First dates. All new to me on many levels. Turns out you can show interest in someone and go on dates and get to know each other without being thrown into the relationship zone. Novel.
Now I am considering writing another blog. The title would be "Things I learned on My First Date". Not about her but in general. Still trying to decide whether I should or not. That might be something I write and save for down the road a little bit. Could be pretty funny. Turns out it's okay to tell a girl that you like that you are a huge dork. Even to explain why goes better than one might expect. :)
Anyway, we will see if I write this thing. I'm enjoying that I get to spend time with this girl. (I say girl cause woman isnt really in my vocabulary. sounds weird in my head and saying chick is disrespectful. :) ) We get to go out again next week.
Massive subject switch. My hair. I miss my braids. I kind of want them back. I know Pete and Sharon are pushing for it. Pete especially. It would take so much effort to do. I want to and not sure I want to put in the time growing it out and finding the right person to do them and all that. But we shall see. I am putting up a poll on the side of this blog. Yes to the braids or No. Vote.
That's all for now.
1st let me start with some huge news. I got a letter in the mail the other day. If I understood the legal ramifications and wording, I think something that would have cost me almost $20,000 has been dropped. There is lots of stuff still on the table from the financial downfall that divorce creates. One was the house that I owned. It was foreclosed on and there was a second mortgage on it that the foreclosure didnt even begin to touch. Well I hadnt heard word of anything in quite some time. Only to receive this letter saying that at the advice of legal council charges have been dropped. Scary on one level that I didnt even know I was being sued. But Hallelujah, that is a huge chunk of money that was just forgiven. That't huge. That is a huge marker of Jesus' good favor to me recently.
Secondly, and much more fun than that last one, for those who don't know, I got to go on a date last weekend. It was a lot of fun just getting to really talk to her one on one and spend some time with her. I learned a lot about her and a lot about something I dont think I had ever really had a real one of before. First dates. All new to me on many levels. Turns out you can show interest in someone and go on dates and get to know each other without being thrown into the relationship zone. Novel.
Now I am considering writing another blog. The title would be "Things I learned on My First Date". Not about her but in general. Still trying to decide whether I should or not. That might be something I write and save for down the road a little bit. Could be pretty funny. Turns out it's okay to tell a girl that you like that you are a huge dork. Even to explain why goes better than one might expect. :)
Anyway, we will see if I write this thing. I'm enjoying that I get to spend time with this girl. (I say girl cause woman isnt really in my vocabulary. sounds weird in my head and saying chick is disrespectful. :) ) We get to go out again next week.
Massive subject switch. My hair. I miss my braids. I kind of want them back. I know Pete and Sharon are pushing for it. Pete especially. It would take so much effort to do. I want to and not sure I want to put in the time growing it out and finding the right person to do them and all that. But we shall see. I am putting up a poll on the side of this blog. Yes to the braids or No. Vote.
That's all for now.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Holidays
So this year's holiday season is shaping up to be very different than most of mine have been in my life. Most have been bad. Laden with bad news and broken hearts and just all around not great things.
Thus far, Jesus has seen it fit to bless me and my family a lot already. I don't know what it is. He just has really been showing me a lot of favor recently and things that I refuse to just pass off as coincidence or a good year. He really is blessing my family in some areas that have long been unsteady.
I don't want to go into detail on here. Some of you know all the stuff that has been going on. Some of you know a few of the things that have been going on. Some of you know nothing. You can ask me in person if you are so inclined to do so. Or shoot me a message on facebook or email or something if you are at a long distance and you want to know. But in the greater internet land area, I am keeping it close to the chest. Let His work really go to the deep places in me. I just really needed to write something.
And for the first time in a long time, I don't think I am jinxing myself by verbalizing that good things are happening. I'm not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm just soaking this stuff in. Yeah there are a few more circumstantial pieces that need attention. But I am not about to complain or be greedy. His grace and goodness and timing are quite sufficient for me. He will deal with the other things in His own time if he so chooses to bless me those ways.
Me not locking down during Christmas. That could be a novel concept.
Thus far, Jesus has seen it fit to bless me and my family a lot already. I don't know what it is. He just has really been showing me a lot of favor recently and things that I refuse to just pass off as coincidence or a good year. He really is blessing my family in some areas that have long been unsteady.
I don't want to go into detail on here. Some of you know all the stuff that has been going on. Some of you know a few of the things that have been going on. Some of you know nothing. You can ask me in person if you are so inclined to do so. Or shoot me a message on facebook or email or something if you are at a long distance and you want to know. But in the greater internet land area, I am keeping it close to the chest. Let His work really go to the deep places in me. I just really needed to write something.
And for the first time in a long time, I don't think I am jinxing myself by verbalizing that good things are happening. I'm not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm just soaking this stuff in. Yeah there are a few more circumstantial pieces that need attention. But I am not about to complain or be greedy. His grace and goodness and timing are quite sufficient for me. He will deal with the other things in His own time if he so chooses to bless me those ways.
Me not locking down during Christmas. That could be a novel concept.
Monday, November 16, 2009
What In The World
This has been a ridiculous couple weeks. I am in awe of Jesus for what He can do in a stubborn jackass such as myself. I'm gettting to believe Him in really new ways over the last few weeks. I'm getting to lay myself down and in turn believe the real things about myself. Agreeing with the surgery He has been doing in a new way has changed me a lot. I am hearing differently. I am responding differently. I'm asking differently. I'm leading differently. I'm wanting differently. It makes little sense to me, cause it isnt about me. I take no credit for "being a better person". He is making me into the real man of God that I am intended to be and I am so freaking grateful right now.
Over the last couple weeks I have watched Him do some crazy things. Things that are circumstantial in my life but He is so much telling me He has even the menial circumstances in my life under control. He has gifts just waiting for me. All it took was my agreement. He has great things for my hurting family. Ways that He wants to undeservedly lavish my brothers and parents with love. Who knows what He wants to do. And I love that I get to respond this way. To things that arent even finished but are still just in process and I love getting to respond with gratitude before anything is even done. I don't even know how things will play out and I am still so grateful. I'm still in awe. I'm in awe of the change in my heart.
I'm not gonna go into details. But man there is a lot of possibility on my plate that I am really excited about. Lots of different types of questions I get to ask. Lots of accountability I get to lean into. Lots of serving that I get to own in new ways. Exciting stuff.
Over the last couple weeks I have watched Him do some crazy things. Things that are circumstantial in my life but He is so much telling me He has even the menial circumstances in my life under control. He has gifts just waiting for me. All it took was my agreement. He has great things for my hurting family. Ways that He wants to undeservedly lavish my brothers and parents with love. Who knows what He wants to do. And I love that I get to respond this way. To things that arent even finished but are still just in process and I love getting to respond with gratitude before anything is even done. I don't even know how things will play out and I am still so grateful. I'm still in awe. I'm in awe of the change in my heart.
I'm not gonna go into details. But man there is a lot of possibility on my plate that I am really excited about. Lots of different types of questions I get to ask. Lots of accountability I get to lean into. Lots of serving that I get to own in new ways. Exciting stuff.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Is It Time?
Something about this week has a different air around it. Like something is about to explode. All this anticipation that has kept me up at night for the last 6 months feels about ready to hit the fan. In a good way. Like something is about to happen.
I have been in this holding pattern for months now. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what was about to happen and wanting it to happen and come quickly and it just wasn't. Over the last several weeks I think I had settled into it. Like it was the new operating system. This week just changed something for some reason. Today, apart from being ridiculously sleepy, I am amped about something. Like this is gonna be a different month, a different season.
Jesus, am I finally asking the right questions? Or did I finally ask them in the right way? It feels like you want to answer some this week. Maybe lots.
I will be brief with my look back on this week.
So I emailed Justin asking him for his help and prayer in figuring out some things and moving forward on some stuff. Within 3 days the following has happened and Justin and I haven't even been able to talk yet.
1. I get a call for a job interview at LCA and had it this morning. Not sure if I will get a call back or get offered the job but it was definitely a wake up call from Jesus to an end of Him telling me He has me. Like I can really trust Him to provide the right job.
2. I have lunch with my Dad and we somehow get into talking about callings. I get to have one of the best conversations I have ever had with Him. He may not have said it distinctly but I think my Dad is actually really proud of me. And maybe even supportive of me starting a music based business like I have in the works. That's nuts.
3. Pete delivers this radically great talk about The Church and The Uprising. Not only did it set something different in my heart that led to a good interview this morning in weird ways, but I think I get to ask big for The Uprising conference. I don't know what that means quite yet. But I think Jesus has asked me to ask for as big a roll as the lead team is able to give me and that I get to say yes to whatever that might be and I get to do it well and not be a dual person like I was with my last entrustment. I get to run this one right from the start whatever it is.
4. I get to have a small but meaningful Matthew 18 with a good friend. I got to apologize even if there was no wrong doing. I mean for me to apologize just for even the inclination of something is new for me. It was the most clean I have ever felt. I don't remember any wrong doing and I still got to humbly say I was sorry for if it was hurtful in anyway. Who the heck am I? I mean, it wasn't hard to do. I didn't have to work through it to get to a place of just saying I was sorry. Just weeks ago, I probably would have been pissed at even the notion I did something wrong knowing I didn't. And for some reason I got to just lay me aside and apologize?!?! It's amazing that Jesus can begin breaking walls down that you didn't even know were on the horizon. That is not puffing me up and saying "look how humble I can be." I take no credit for it. I am in a bit of shock about it. All credit to Jesus for letting me remove the filter and not be critical or even today think negatively about the situation at all. It's kind of miraculous.
5. I actually started asking if TSR was gonna be a possibility again. The prospect is hopeful. The person I most thought would probably not be interested, showed some interest. Turns out assuming the best and being hopeful are valuable and don't always lead to disappointment. Who knew. :)
Anyway, that's all just been in about 3 or 4 days. More to come for sure as things really start to get really solidified.
On a much lighter note, man I am looking forward to this week. It's a pretty chill week. I think I get to have some other fun lunches and talks with a couple different leaders this week. I get to hang out Thursday (or Saturday. Not sure what the final landing was) with some people that I am really growing to love having around and getting to be friends with. You know who you are and I know you all read this regularly. So shout out without names to you. Looking forward to it. I also am looking forward to just some fun things. Some hobby stuff. Some little creative projects. Some new ideas. I just feel good this week. What can I say?
I think I will take a nap this evening after work though. I'm tired for sure. Completely random comment coming. My Dad thinks I have Sleep Apnea I fell asleep on their couch yesterday afternoon and he said my breathing patterns were a good sign of it. Turns out it is a hereditary thing as well and my Mom has it. That would also explain why I never feel rested even when I sleep for a long time. Cause I never get into a real sleep cycle. Anyway, that's just a side note. Not really worried about it.
Let's get this week rolling. :)
I have been in this holding pattern for months now. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what was about to happen and wanting it to happen and come quickly and it just wasn't. Over the last several weeks I think I had settled into it. Like it was the new operating system. This week just changed something for some reason. Today, apart from being ridiculously sleepy, I am amped about something. Like this is gonna be a different month, a different season.
Jesus, am I finally asking the right questions? Or did I finally ask them in the right way? It feels like you want to answer some this week. Maybe lots.
I will be brief with my look back on this week.
So I emailed Justin asking him for his help and prayer in figuring out some things and moving forward on some stuff. Within 3 days the following has happened and Justin and I haven't even been able to talk yet.
1. I get a call for a job interview at LCA and had it this morning. Not sure if I will get a call back or get offered the job but it was definitely a wake up call from Jesus to an end of Him telling me He has me. Like I can really trust Him to provide the right job.
2. I have lunch with my Dad and we somehow get into talking about callings. I get to have one of the best conversations I have ever had with Him. He may not have said it distinctly but I think my Dad is actually really proud of me. And maybe even supportive of me starting a music based business like I have in the works. That's nuts.
3. Pete delivers this radically great talk about The Church and The Uprising. Not only did it set something different in my heart that led to a good interview this morning in weird ways, but I think I get to ask big for The Uprising conference. I don't know what that means quite yet. But I think Jesus has asked me to ask for as big a roll as the lead team is able to give me and that I get to say yes to whatever that might be and I get to do it well and not be a dual person like I was with my last entrustment. I get to run this one right from the start whatever it is.
4. I get to have a small but meaningful Matthew 18 with a good friend. I got to apologize even if there was no wrong doing. I mean for me to apologize just for even the inclination of something is new for me. It was the most clean I have ever felt. I don't remember any wrong doing and I still got to humbly say I was sorry for if it was hurtful in anyway. Who the heck am I? I mean, it wasn't hard to do. I didn't have to work through it to get to a place of just saying I was sorry. Just weeks ago, I probably would have been pissed at even the notion I did something wrong knowing I didn't. And for some reason I got to just lay me aside and apologize?!?! It's amazing that Jesus can begin breaking walls down that you didn't even know were on the horizon. That is not puffing me up and saying "look how humble I can be." I take no credit for it. I am in a bit of shock about it. All credit to Jesus for letting me remove the filter and not be critical or even today think negatively about the situation at all. It's kind of miraculous.
5. I actually started asking if TSR was gonna be a possibility again. The prospect is hopeful. The person I most thought would probably not be interested, showed some interest. Turns out assuming the best and being hopeful are valuable and don't always lead to disappointment. Who knew. :)
Anyway, that's all just been in about 3 or 4 days. More to come for sure as things really start to get really solidified.
On a much lighter note, man I am looking forward to this week. It's a pretty chill week. I think I get to have some other fun lunches and talks with a couple different leaders this week. I get to hang out Thursday (or Saturday. Not sure what the final landing was) with some people that I am really growing to love having around and getting to be friends with. You know who you are and I know you all read this regularly. So shout out without names to you. Looking forward to it. I also am looking forward to just some fun things. Some hobby stuff. Some little creative projects. Some new ideas. I just feel good this week. What can I say?
I think I will take a nap this evening after work though. I'm tired for sure. Completely random comment coming. My Dad thinks I have Sleep Apnea I fell asleep on their couch yesterday afternoon and he said my breathing patterns were a good sign of it. Turns out it is a hereditary thing as well and my Mom has it. That would also explain why I never feel rested even when I sleep for a long time. Cause I never get into a real sleep cycle. Anyway, that's just a side note. Not really worried about it.
Let's get this week rolling. :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Part 2
So while the last one was kind of broad and maybe a bit confusing, I want to parcel out some specific points that directly pertain to me and what I have been yearning for.
There are 2 that I mentioned about Jesus knowing how my heart feels. I think I am gonna talk about 1 of them. The other may be too vulnerable to get into here and is hard to talk about without specifics and specifics don't need to be shared with the blog reading world.
So this is gonna focus on music. I miss playing a lot. I mean a lot a lot. It's grown increasingly more so over the last few months. Playing at church is great. It's not refueling. It's not the end for me. Now that we are more in a rhythm, my roll there has lessened quite a bit so I don't connect to it as well. It was different when it was sparse on people and it was me and Matt Garner being weekend warriors. On for weeks and weeks at a time. I loved it and it so isn't the case anymore.
It's hard to explain that one in some ways. Saying I want a larger roll on stage sounds like I want to be seen more often or I think there needs to be more of me up there. Not at all what I am saying. Truth is stages are weirdly homes for me. It strange. I am never more self conscious than when I am on stage, but also never more connected to the heart of Jesus. Playing like that is so my heart. Being out on stage is so me and Jesus. Even when thousands of people are in a room. I have played a show to 1 audience member and still had the time of my life. It's not about being seen or heard. Or at least that I am seen or heard. It's something else that I haven't been able to put my exact finger on. There is just my own world that I enter in to. I think it is one He always let me enter into with Him, even before I really knew Him. It used to just be a venting zone. I would write my lyrics and scream them out and whether anyone listened or not, He heard me.
It's changed since I gave my life to Him. He still lets me vent but He has me worship too. And you would think in a church would be the exact right place for that right? Well yes and no. It's different in church. Playing other people's music is different. Playing someone else's songs is not the same for a writer. It is in a lot of ways formulaic and confining. I mean even in my own band if we covered a song, we made it our own. The Swift Retreat was working on a couple different covers before we pulled the plug. Thriller by Michael Jackson and Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. We were experimenting with how beats went, how we were gonna recreate important parts without synths and such. It was a blast.
It is so rare we experiment with stuff at church. Performed songs are pretty much done note for note. We study the song to get things exactly right. We try to mimic every part even if we know there is no way the artist can reproduce some of it live without having 15 vocalist on stage. I am not knocking the artistry that goes into that. We have greatly talented musicians. Anyerin's solo on Beat it was freaking amazing. Locking in on some of the more difficult drum parts always impresses me when Chris does them. Chris Hall and Mike Parrott killing Kirk Franklin bass lines which are not easy. That's amazing stuff.
I miss writing and creating and crafting together from scratch. I miss getting on stage and entering into a my zone with Jesus and with the guys the He blessed me with to play with. That was what the Swift Retreat was. Us crafting something together and playing together and being original together. That is a massive loss in my heart right now. It has been for quite some time. I think I have felt like asking for it back is either irresponsible or selfish or something along those lines. Like I would be intruding on the others guys lives if I were to ask if that was something we could pick up again. Like I would be pissing them off in some way. Insecurity at it's best.
I think I need to ask or I need to find an outlet for that. Maybe it means I just do my own solo project. Hard to do when you don't have any real way to record. I have some stuff I have been working on but I don't have any real way to put all the parts I have in my head together into one cohesive form. And then I lose it if it sits too long. My number 1 creative outlet is on a unwanted and seemingly complicated stand still. That's probably why it seems like I am always starting these random creative often nerdy projects. The shirt thing being the most prevalent. And they all end up not being completed cause they aren't really what I want to be doing.
So what do I do? Time to really ask Jesus about it. Ask Him for the means to do something. Ask Him for the words and the chords. Ask Him for the people if they are supposed to exist. Ask Him for the stage if I'm supposed to be on it. I can't go on the way I have been. I really need Him to start refueling me and I need to let Him do it. And there are just some ways He has already revealed that are Him in me that I need Him to craft out. Music being one of them.
The thing about being alone at a wedding I am not gonna go in to. Save to say this. All guys hate going to weddings. Truth. Going by yourself and being surrounded by couples... worse. I am so glad there aren't any others I need to attend for a little bit. Becky I love you. I am glad I got to see you and Zach tie the knot and I hope you have years and years of happy life together. Now for a much needed respite. :)
There are 2 that I mentioned about Jesus knowing how my heart feels. I think I am gonna talk about 1 of them. The other may be too vulnerable to get into here and is hard to talk about without specifics and specifics don't need to be shared with the blog reading world.
So this is gonna focus on music. I miss playing a lot. I mean a lot a lot. It's grown increasingly more so over the last few months. Playing at church is great. It's not refueling. It's not the end for me. Now that we are more in a rhythm, my roll there has lessened quite a bit so I don't connect to it as well. It was different when it was sparse on people and it was me and Matt Garner being weekend warriors. On for weeks and weeks at a time. I loved it and it so isn't the case anymore.
It's hard to explain that one in some ways. Saying I want a larger roll on stage sounds like I want to be seen more often or I think there needs to be more of me up there. Not at all what I am saying. Truth is stages are weirdly homes for me. It strange. I am never more self conscious than when I am on stage, but also never more connected to the heart of Jesus. Playing like that is so my heart. Being out on stage is so me and Jesus. Even when thousands of people are in a room. I have played a show to 1 audience member and still had the time of my life. It's not about being seen or heard. Or at least that I am seen or heard. It's something else that I haven't been able to put my exact finger on. There is just my own world that I enter in to. I think it is one He always let me enter into with Him, even before I really knew Him. It used to just be a venting zone. I would write my lyrics and scream them out and whether anyone listened or not, He heard me.
It's changed since I gave my life to Him. He still lets me vent but He has me worship too. And you would think in a church would be the exact right place for that right? Well yes and no. It's different in church. Playing other people's music is different. Playing someone else's songs is not the same for a writer. It is in a lot of ways formulaic and confining. I mean even in my own band if we covered a song, we made it our own. The Swift Retreat was working on a couple different covers before we pulled the plug. Thriller by Michael Jackson and Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. We were experimenting with how beats went, how we were gonna recreate important parts without synths and such. It was a blast.
It is so rare we experiment with stuff at church. Performed songs are pretty much done note for note. We study the song to get things exactly right. We try to mimic every part even if we know there is no way the artist can reproduce some of it live without having 15 vocalist on stage. I am not knocking the artistry that goes into that. We have greatly talented musicians. Anyerin's solo on Beat it was freaking amazing. Locking in on some of the more difficult drum parts always impresses me when Chris does them. Chris Hall and Mike Parrott killing Kirk Franklin bass lines which are not easy. That's amazing stuff.
I miss writing and creating and crafting together from scratch. I miss getting on stage and entering into a my zone with Jesus and with the guys the He blessed me with to play with. That was what the Swift Retreat was. Us crafting something together and playing together and being original together. That is a massive loss in my heart right now. It has been for quite some time. I think I have felt like asking for it back is either irresponsible or selfish or something along those lines. Like I would be intruding on the others guys lives if I were to ask if that was something we could pick up again. Like I would be pissing them off in some way. Insecurity at it's best.
I think I need to ask or I need to find an outlet for that. Maybe it means I just do my own solo project. Hard to do when you don't have any real way to record. I have some stuff I have been working on but I don't have any real way to put all the parts I have in my head together into one cohesive form. And then I lose it if it sits too long. My number 1 creative outlet is on a unwanted and seemingly complicated stand still. That's probably why it seems like I am always starting these random creative often nerdy projects. The shirt thing being the most prevalent. And they all end up not being completed cause they aren't really what I want to be doing.
So what do I do? Time to really ask Jesus about it. Ask Him for the means to do something. Ask Him for the words and the chords. Ask Him for the people if they are supposed to exist. Ask Him for the stage if I'm supposed to be on it. I can't go on the way I have been. I really need Him to start refueling me and I need to let Him do it. And there are just some ways He has already revealed that are Him in me that I need Him to craft out. Music being one of them.
The thing about being alone at a wedding I am not gonna go in to. Save to say this. All guys hate going to weddings. Truth. Going by yourself and being surrounded by couples... worse. I am so glad there aren't any others I need to attend for a little bit. Becky I love you. I am glad I got to see you and Zach tie the knot and I hope you have years and years of happy life together. Now for a much needed respite. :)
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