Dreaming Big

With my birthday now a week and a day away, I am feeling pretty apathetic about it. Just doesn't matter I guess. I already feel over it and whatever about it and it hasn't even happened yet. Can't really say way. Probably pretty selfish reasons if I am gonna be honest with myself. But I don't feel like sharing those reasons here.

What I am gonna do is dream big for myself. Make myself a wish list of sorts. Big ticket stuff. Yeah really self focused and lame, but if you can't be that in your own blog sometimes, where can you.

#1 is something that I have wanted for a long time. It's a long term project but something that would be ridiculous amounts of fun for me. It may take forever cause I don't have a lot of free time, but man would I love it beyond words.

I've wanted an old vintage car to rebuild for a very long time. I think my top choice is a '71 - '73 Dodge Charger. I would love to spend hours making it into just what I want. Learning about working on car bodies and engines. Painting it. It would be all kinds of enjoyment for me. Ebay has these 3 up on there right now which I would love to get:









Yeah that would be a dream come true. I know they look crappy, but they look beautiful to me.

#2 is more of a necessity than a want and it is a want to. Man I need a new laptop. My poor powerbook G4 is on its last leg. Has been since before Barbados last year. I do quite a bit on it and want to get into doing some more photography again which will require having a decent working computer. I would love one of the new MacBooks. So expensive though. More expensive than all 3 cars about.

#3 is kind of 2 things. I know I have said this to some people as of late. More out of excitement to see them come to fruition. Garrett is just waiting for money from me so he can build an amp for me, and Alex is waiting on me to get some pieces so that he can finish my guitar. To have 2 custom pieces that no one else is the world has would be pretty awesome and knowing the two of them, they would sound amazing. Just need to get the money to give them.

Those are the 3 main things that I keep my hopes up about. As in things anyway. There is something else I have my hopes up for right now that I am waiting on a bit too. Hopefully soon. But that is more personal and not to be discussed so openly in a blog. Cross fingers and send prayers. As for the material things. I just really want them some day.

C&MA Conference

So late call Monday to be a part of our team that was going up to the Christian & Missionary Alliance Conference last night. C&MA is the denomination that my church is associated with.

To start with, I just was excited about the chance to get out of work early. I had no Idea what I was getting myself in to. I didn't know how big this would be. I didn't know how transformational of a start it was gonna be for both the denomination and for me. I didn't know Jesus was gonna let me have that kind of effect on churches across our country and the world. I went in feeling very unprepared and I started hearing what was gonna be happening, what we were gonna be doing and what Pete was gonna be sharing. Thankfully we got in some good prayer time where I got to ask Jesus to get me up to speed. And man did He.

I was getting to go up and be a part of the music team and do a performed song and lead some worship. Basically we were giving the other churches a glimpse into what Quest does. Josh edited together a great video and we got to come out of that into a pretty powerful song. Then Pete got up and was interviewed by the President. He said some pretty stirring things that should have gotten people excited, and I don't know how many people in the room got it.

Speaking of that, there were about 2400 people there. The room had as many seats as our new auditorium will. Luckily our new auditorium will sound better. :)

But then after Pete got off, our group got to step back up and lead the room in worship. We did Reign in Us which was obviously new to people. Most of the churches and people represented still follow a very traditional style of worship, which is great, but we definitely aren't. You could tell everything we did caught people off guard. Getting to watch the room shift a little bit was great.

The here comes Todd Adams, a missionary in the conference. Holy crap. Jesus put so much stirring power in his words. He spoke of a father willing to do anything to get his kids back. Anything! It was so shaking. It was so the heart of what I get to be a part of at Quest. Love them home. It was amazing. I think that caught the majority of the room back on their heels as well. I hope people took it and did real work with why a message of truth like that might have been hard for them to hear. I sure did. It wasn't hard to hear for me but definitely got me on pages of wanting to step out where I have been so scared to in the past. I even had dreams of getting to be sitting down leading people to Jesus. Its what I want to see and do. What else is worth living for.

I get to be a part of the Ichthus Altar Ministry this year. We had the training session last night after service. I don't know how Jesus wants to use me but I want to be used. I don't have the luxury in that setting of avoiding the talks and avoiding people and slipping into my normal paths. I will be upfront confronted with people who need Him and they will be assigned to me in some ways. Where I have been afraid to take someones hand and help them put it in Jesus', this is hands being placed in mine with no ifs ands or buts and saying lets go. I'm really looking forward to the stretch and to see what Jesus really wants to do in these kids lives.

I wish I was able to get back up to some more of the conference this week, but I don't think that will happen. We did get to share some good time with the other musicians that were up there. It was brief but I think it was needed. The band for the week at the conference are all students from Nyack College in New York who are on a tour of sorts. They played really well and only got to practice and meet the worship leader on Monday night. We got to encourage them a bit and I think help connect them further to what they get to be a part of. It was fun.

On the way back, had some great conversation with Garner and Chris Hall. It was all in all a great experience. This week has been amazing thus far. Minus having to be at work, things have really been different for me in my heart this week. Brighter on so many levels and just stirred to be used in ways that I have yet to even see. Let's do this thing.

Memorial Day and SipNSlides

So yesterday was an... amusing day. Lots of crap in the morning that I wont go in to but it all ended really well. Some of us were finally able to go down to my parents place and to the pool. It was a very round about way of getting there but we did. Stupid weather people.

Anyway, I think everyone had a decent time. My dad has done an amazing job of getting the back yard in pretty nice shape. Its looking pretty boss back there. (Yeah I said boss. Who wants to help me bring that one back?)

So, last week, I think Monday, Eckert and I were at Wal-Mart. She decides she wants a SlipNSlide for the festivities. I am very aware I was not going to be on it. This thing was like 18 feet long with blow up boogie boards. Now 18 feet sounds pretty long right? Well maybe so when you are only 3 feet tall and 7 years old. But at age ranges of 20 to 31 and heights of 5' 3" to 6' 2" things begin to look smaller and much less cool. I love how my dad likes to heckle people. Its very amusing to me. It was very funny to have him heckle some of my friends that he had never really met before until yesterday. I got a good laugh out of that.

Also laughs were had at the following SlipNSlide related incidents.

#1 Katie's first trip down it and quickly off the end into the grass. And every subsequent trip after that also right off into the grass.

#2 Elizabeth Skees stretching the board out a little too far ahead of her and hitting the ground hard. (By a little too far, I mean Superman style above her head. Man I wish I had a video camera with me.)

#3 My brother, Aaron's, first trip down it which was painful to hear. And the fact that he was wearing my dad's soccer socks which he proceeded to put back into my dad's soccer bag and take his other pair out of the bag.

#4 The numerous races down it. (Yes I said races. It was built wide so 3 people could go down at once.) One of them ending with some slight bikini top slippage. I wont say who. I'll let her tell that part if she is so inclined. I wont embarrass her that way. :) And no one saw anything. Just her reaction and slight scream after she had tucked things back in place and chose to put a t-shirt on for the rest.

#5 Caitlin High on her second trip somehow popped one of the boogie boards. Not sure how. Maybe one of her rings punctured it.

Anyway, we had a pretty good time out there. Wasn't as long as we had hoped it would be but that is okay. I'll try to find a good time to get people back down there again. As much as my dad likes his privacy and my parents like their availability to get away out in their country estate, they seem to like when their kids bring people over. It's strange. I don't get to see my parents a ton anymore, so I think that was a part of it. But they like when I take my friends too.

The rest of the day was good too. Shannon's birthday party was that evening. Thanks to the Bradley's for opening their very nice home. It was a good time.

Overall good day. Progress made. (If that statement is confusing, re-read the blog on The Dreaded Friend Zone, and try to decipher a very confusing paragraph about new people and keeping space but being around. It wont do much of anything but make you a little more confused unless you are already privy.)

That is all.

Time For Something Goofy

So, I feel I need to write something weird to offset the last serious one. (Which by the way, should it be confusing, I am feeling really steady in my times with Jesus and loving what I get to do. I actually love my life right now. Just looking forward to some of the next things ahead of me and a bit anxious.)

Anyway, I thought I would update on something some of you may or may not know about. Everyone knows I am a huge dork. That I am sure of. Many of you know about the shirt project I decided to work on.

Yes, sewing my own shirt. Like I said I am a dork and I am okay with it.

Well I actually started it last week. Its coming along slowly as I get time. I finally have all the pieces cut out and am on to pinning the seams and getting ready for the actual sewing machine. I hope to get it done pretty soon. I'm at the very nerve racking phase. We shall see what happens.

Another About Life

So, I have been a little... I guess off is the word, over the last few days. Not in a terrible way but just a bit not myself. Could be numerous reasons. I am waiting on answers for several things which has me a bit anxious I believe. Some I can share, some I will choose not to but those super closest to me will know the unshared ones.

#1. I am about to turn 28. Less than 3 weeks away. Not sure exactly how I feel about being another year older. This is definitely not how I saw my life. I love many of the places Jesus has me right now. I love the growth I am experiencing spiritually and all the stuff I get to do at church. I am a little unsettled with my job and some of that stuff, but that has been continuous for a while. 3 years ago, my outlook was so different. I was married, looking to start a family, looking to start my own photography studio, much more depressed, and kind of miserable with life. Now I'm divorced (which in some ways is a positive cause I get to be a kid for the first time), I am stuck in a dead end job, and photography has lost a lot of its luster for me. But lots is on the horizon. New job? Hopefully soon. Some financial freedom? Also hopeful. New relationship? I always brush this one under the rug due to my own self loathing ;). But that is hopefully close at hand as well. This is not where I thought I would be at 28. But its not too shabby. I could still be where I was at 25. That would suck.

#2. Let's expound on the job. It is not in a great place at the moment. I have been wanting to leave for a long time and just have felt stuck. Still feel there, but I am praying through and looking at what it looks like for me to be out of here soon. I may have been reading into the conversation, but it sounded like my boss was trying to prepare me for less happening with my position. It has been slow recently. Very slow. I haven't done much this week. I don't think they would ever let me go on their own choice, but I don't know what will happen. I am trying to decide what I want to do with my life. I don't want to step into another job just for the sake of having one and be miserable there too after a month. Do I go back to school and start teaching? I don't think so. The want to keep my lip ring and plugs is greater than the want to be a school teacher. Who knows what I will do.

#3. My actual birthday. (Disclaimer: This is not a plea for something to be done for me.) I have been asked a few times if I have any big plans. Here's my answer. I don't want to throw my own party this year. I have always thrown my own birthday parties. I'm over it. Right now I plan on doing nothing. I will go to Red Lobster like I do every year, but I have no plans to do anything. I am pretty tired of being the party planner for everything and stuff like that. So this year will most likely be pretty chill. I am gonna try and save up some of my money to get myself 1 of 3 things. (or at least put towards 1 of 3 things.) a. A new Mac Laptop cause mine is in bad bad shape. b. Give money to Garrett for the amp he is building me and to Alex for the guitar he is building me. c. Money towards my motorcycle which I really want. We will see what happens. I will hit up the friends I want to go to Red Lobster with me once I get to that point. I like keeping that a small intimate group. It has kind of sad significance to me this year but I still want to do it.

In all, its just kind of a waiting game in so many ways. I don't tend to do well with sitting on my heals. I am a be in motion type of person for the most part. I have gotten tons better with it and laying back and letting things happen instead of forcing them to happen. And right now, I only have one thing that I want to or know what I want to do to move forward on. (No you don't get to know in this venue. You can ask me later if you want and I reserve the right to not answer.) I am at a substantial standstill even in my own mind of what I want to do with my life and what Jesus has in store for me. You can be praying that either I am settled this week to wait on it more, or that I start hearing some answers. Maybe I am not listening close enough.

Vacation

So I thought I would reflect on my recent vacation. Seems like a good thing to do as I learn to bank what Jesus is doing in my life. Yeah this is a little serious but it is more for me than the readers anyway.

Vacation was amazing. It was just what I was needing. I love serving and doing all that is required of me, and I was starting to run low. Starting to be tired beyond just physically not getting enough sleep. That was all switched around this last week. I come back both refreshed and refueled. Ready to go.

Some highlights.

1. I got to leave on a really high note. The 10 year anniversary services were great and fun to be a part of. But beyond that, Jesus sent me out with a picture I hadn't had or connected before. The Everything Drama hit me in a new way that Saturday night and had me in tears over it for the first time. I finally put the connection together of watching Wheezy as Jesus holding back the demons as Amber got to rest and worship. Its the first time I connected it to the day I gave my life to Christ and what Jesus very clearly did for me. It was such a visceral part of my story. That snap in my mind when all the voices shut off in my own mind that were trying to tell me I had already done this and was just showing off. This connect left me weeping at the front of the room as I watched it. I got to put that one in my bank quickly and got to leave for vacation on that kind of note.

2. Getting to go on vacation with my boys was great. The 4 of us are about to all be roommates and it was a bit of a good gauge of what it will be like. And Excellent is on its way. I am even more so looking forward to it now. We got a lot of time to have real conversations, stupid conversations, dares, video games, great meals, and just good times with guys being the idiots we are. Couldn't have been better.

3. I have a new found love for Wheezy. I mean I loved DeWayne anyway, but it grew over this trip. He and I got to connect more than we ever had. We got to go down to the beach a few times just the 2 of us and just talk and have a good time. We had talked before but this was different. I don't know if I always looked at him as just my leader before. I don't think I did, but this felt very much like 2 friends really just getting to talk on all kinds of levels. I think it was somewhat indicative to me of my own growth. Starting to recognize that I am not a subordinate but finding equal ground and footing with people around me. Not in a cocky way but it feels in a very pure way of finally letting Jesus really be loud in my ear that I am not worthless or less than. And just getting to be real and friends and have good friend conversation with the guys out there was on a different level for me this week.

4. Lots of inside jokes return from the trip. Some of them a little dirty. Others hilarious. I wont get into them but I get a good laugh just thinking about some of them to myself.

5. I made the easiest $20 of my life thanks to Britt. No one has ever attempted to challenge the limits of what I am willing to do. Standing up and screaming "KAHN!!!" when the credits started rolling in the theatre during the new Star Trek movie was easy. I probably would have done it just on a dare. But $20 was a pretty sweet prize.

6. Movies we saw. First, I would like to say a resounding "I TOLD YOU SO" to Britt. There was no way Fast and Furious was gonna be good. And man it was not. Star Trek on the other hand was amazing. I loved the changes to the story line. I loved the characters. Abrams did a really good job and I am excited to see the next installments. And for those who don't already know, Yes, I am a closet Treky. You can blame my mom.

7. We got a lot of strange looks when we were out there. The "season" hadn't begun yet and I think all the purple hairs were a little upset we were in their space. (By purple hairs, I mean really old people. Think Tammy Faye on TBN and how her hair is so white it has started turning another color.) We still had a good time nonetheless. Didn't let it get to us. There were some really dumb situations from it and obvious people looking down on us, but no skin off our backs.

8. Liz Harrington has a nice car. The drives out and back were quite comfortable. I know they were long, but at least for me they didn't seem terrible.

There might be other things to point out, but I won't. I'll just say I return ready. Feeling good. Feeling re energized. Work sucks as always and when you have had a really good vacation, days at work feel like they take forever. But even that is okay. Jesus really wants to bless me right now and I feel in a much better place to receive and be ready for what He ask of me next. Great week over all. And I even still have 4 or 5 days of vacation time available at work. :)