One Shake and Out

So I started writing a blog back at the beginning of May. It was about all that happened through that month. I have reread it so many times and just never posted it. I may at some other time period but there is something more pressing to write about at the moment.

Who am I? What am I about? If you read the story of my life, would it be any good. Could it be a blockbuster movie or would it dull the masses?

This is stuff we started into in Life Group last night. Pages I think I have been on for several months now, just not in such concise words. You know me I can blather on and on. But I think last nights group brought me to several conclusions.

1. I'm a man of my word.
2. I love music and my life is pretty unfulfilled without it.
3. I care deeply. About my friends and family.
4. I have spent my life living without much of a purpose and just doing things because.
5. I'm way more prideful than I want to be.
6. My life has been at a stand still on some really important levels.
7. Jesus has me in some great spots on other levels.
8. I hate school and I am not made for the corporate or professional life.
9. I can be an adult when I need to be but I function better as a 12 year old.
10. I'm blessed more than I realize sometimes and know there are massive blessings waiting for me.

This is just a short list of things I could say about myself. Some of them obviously need some work. I would love them to not be on the list.

#4 is what finds me here. And a little bit of #5. My life has not been lived. It's not been a life of risk. It's not been one of doing what I want. It's not been one of purpose. I have done because it was what was required of me, or cause "that's the next step." I went to college cause that is what you do after high school. I went to a college I didn't want to go to cause that's what I was told I had to do and I was too afraid to buck it. I got married ahead of when I probably should have. I got a job that I have been stuck in cause that's what I was supposed to do to support a family. I bought a house cause that's what the American dream dictates.

My entire life has been should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs. I have spent my life being the responsible, good, quiet, appeasing, follower of a son, friend and man. Even when I have been the leader it has been at the whim of others in a lot of ways. I'm tired. I'm not made for that.

I am made to be a leader who leads in strength and assurance of what Jesus is calling me to. I am made to be in the middle of His plans for me not someone else's. And you know what, He gives good gifts and desires and longings on our hearts. So when I start asking the question, what do I want out of my life, it's not selfish. He wants us to do things that He gave us the desire for. He wants us to have the desires of our heart. He put them there.

So there is a reason that thinking about going back to school to get a "professional" degree that I could use to make more money makes me sick to my stomach. Cause that isn't me. Yeah I could wear a shirt and tie all the time. But with a pair of jeans and my tattoos exposed and my lip ring. Maybe a ratty pair of chucks to top it off.

Yeah I would love to design houses. But I want to design my house that He lets me build some day. Not sit in an office building somewhere doing things I don't care about.

Yeah I have a lot of interest. Things I enjoy in spurts and could do pretty well for a "living". And I would be dead inside the whole time out of the boredom of my life.

So what does all this mean? It means I am tired of "just because". I am tired of doing the "next right thing" because it is what is expected. Or cause it is what someone tells me to do. Or cause it is just what society requires. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on standby cause I was never living the life that I was supposed to be living. I want more than the mundane and everyday. I want more than even my choice. I want His choice. Which, if I am looking and hearing correctly, is my heart beat and will be freaking amazing.

If you want to know what I am thinking and planning and all that, you can ask me. If you want to know what the title of this blog means, you can ask me. If you want to know who this Him or His is I keep referring to, you can ask me. I'm ready to stop being afraid of not fitting and not being a part of the mold. I'm ready to be something else.