3 Years

So it's about 4 am. Right about this time 3 years ago, I was laying in a bed at a men's retreat. Having a conversation with my roommate Brian Stakelin about being resigned to the fact that my life was never gonna change. I was doomed to anonymity, criticism, high expectations I never wanted and just over all saying I was never going to know Jesus. Even though I didn't know that that was what I was saying.

About 6 hours later, that all changed. My heart, my plot in life, my trajectory. Everything about me changed when the only acceptable sacrifice for the world said that He did it for me. I was all of a sudden, in an instant, a redeemed son of the most high God.

3 today marks my 3 year spiritual birthday. 3 years of walking with Jesus. Harder at times than others. Beautiful all the way through. And I am none of the things I had resigned myself to. I am new every day. Criticism and pride no longer mark my life. I live with high expectation that is beautiful and is a joy that I want and strive to be closer to Jesus daily. I am loved and not alone.

If all that weren't enough, Jesus decided to orchestrate things so that some of the biggest gifts of my time with Him yet, all started about a week ago and are starting to culminate today. I can't believe His goodness and faithfulness. I am in complete awe of His blessing. How He just showers us with it and all I have to do is choose Him.

Today I feel tired, sore and more blessed than I can imagine. I get to live a life like I could have never imagined for myself. I got to accept a fantastic offer on my birthday that is a massive gift to me. And I get to spend the day with the girl I am in love with and more and more each day falling more and more in love with her.

I really have no other real words except blessed. And so thankful.

Happy Birthday to me!

One Shake and Out

So I started writing a blog back at the beginning of May. It was about all that happened through that month. I have reread it so many times and just never posted it. I may at some other time period but there is something more pressing to write about at the moment.

Who am I? What am I about? If you read the story of my life, would it be any good. Could it be a blockbuster movie or would it dull the masses?

This is stuff we started into in Life Group last night. Pages I think I have been on for several months now, just not in such concise words. You know me I can blather on and on. But I think last nights group brought me to several conclusions.

1. I'm a man of my word.
2. I love music and my life is pretty unfulfilled without it.
3. I care deeply. About my friends and family.
4. I have spent my life living without much of a purpose and just doing things because.
5. I'm way more prideful than I want to be.
6. My life has been at a stand still on some really important levels.
7. Jesus has me in some great spots on other levels.
8. I hate school and I am not made for the corporate or professional life.
9. I can be an adult when I need to be but I function better as a 12 year old.
10. I'm blessed more than I realize sometimes and know there are massive blessings waiting for me.

This is just a short list of things I could say about myself. Some of them obviously need some work. I would love them to not be on the list.

#4 is what finds me here. And a little bit of #5. My life has not been lived. It's not been a life of risk. It's not been one of doing what I want. It's not been one of purpose. I have done because it was what was required of me, or cause "that's the next step." I went to college cause that is what you do after high school. I went to a college I didn't want to go to cause that's what I was told I had to do and I was too afraid to buck it. I got married ahead of when I probably should have. I got a job that I have been stuck in cause that's what I was supposed to do to support a family. I bought a house cause that's what the American dream dictates.

My entire life has been should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs. I have spent my life being the responsible, good, quiet, appeasing, follower of a son, friend and man. Even when I have been the leader it has been at the whim of others in a lot of ways. I'm tired. I'm not made for that.

I am made to be a leader who leads in strength and assurance of what Jesus is calling me to. I am made to be in the middle of His plans for me not someone else's. And you know what, He gives good gifts and desires and longings on our hearts. So when I start asking the question, what do I want out of my life, it's not selfish. He wants us to do things that He gave us the desire for. He wants us to have the desires of our heart. He put them there.

So there is a reason that thinking about going back to school to get a "professional" degree that I could use to make more money makes me sick to my stomach. Cause that isn't me. Yeah I could wear a shirt and tie all the time. But with a pair of jeans and my tattoos exposed and my lip ring. Maybe a ratty pair of chucks to top it off.

Yeah I would love to design houses. But I want to design my house that He lets me build some day. Not sit in an office building somewhere doing things I don't care about.

Yeah I have a lot of interest. Things I enjoy in spurts and could do pretty well for a "living". And I would be dead inside the whole time out of the boredom of my life.

So what does all this mean? It means I am tired of "just because". I am tired of doing the "next right thing" because it is what is expected. Or cause it is what someone tells me to do. Or cause it is just what society requires. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on standby cause I was never living the life that I was supposed to be living. I want more than the mundane and everyday. I want more than even my choice. I want His choice. Which, if I am looking and hearing correctly, is my heart beat and will be freaking amazing.

If you want to know what I am thinking and planning and all that, you can ask me. If you want to know what the title of this blog means, you can ask me. If you want to know who this Him or His is I keep referring to, you can ask me. I'm ready to stop being afraid of not fitting and not being a part of the mold. I'm ready to be something else.

Good Gifts

So it has been a pretty great few weeks. With the hard times for sure but who can even remember what they were when the good stuff is so prevalent. Since Accelerate TwentyTen started, Jesus has been just showing me so much of who I am. So much of who He has made me to be. So much of what He has destroyed that I would have guiltily claimed as being a part of me. And constantly more of who He is and how faithful, trustworthy and loving He is. It's been a pretty amazing time. Constantly learning what it really means to lead and to be following and to be staying close to Jesus.

And in the middle of it He gave me another little gift. There is this great, beautiful, fun girl that He said I get to be in a relationship with. It feels dumb to say the word cause it feels so middle school, but I actually have a girlfriend! How crazy is that? It's a little mind boggling on a lot of levels. Who thought I would ever be back here? And with someone as genuinely sweet as she is. I mean let's face it, I am a bit of an ass. :) And for some reason this girl digs me it seems. Go figure. And I definitely dig her. She's so genuine, and sweet and funny, really loves Jesus, easy on the eyes ;) and it doesn't hurt that she seems to think I am funny. Also go figure.

I have loved getting to spend time with her and get to know her. Haven't felt this much freedom to be me like this for some time. Never once felt like putting on a show with her. She got to learn lots of dumb stuff about me really quickly and she seems to still be interested. And she just has this beautifully sweet, soft heart.

I could go on and on about how excited I am about this. I sit here at the start of something new. Eyes focused on Jesus all the way and where He wants me to go. It's so easy for relationships to pull people off. Throw a wrench into the works. And we both are committed to staying close to Jesus. Watching and following Him and Him alone. And I get to see what He has for the 2 of us together in this. Pretty cool. Very new. Very exciting.

So Shalerie Priddle, this blog was a lot about you. There are pitfalls to dating a regular blog writer. Being a topic is one of them. :) So when do we change our Facebook statuses? Cause that is obviously of utmost importance. HA!

Accelerate 09

So my first year of Accelerate is under my belt. I wouldn’t call it behind me cause it will be something that goes with me the rest of my life. But the actual year long “class” is done. I can’t believe the last year. I’m not the same and man was it not easy.

For those who don’t know and are reading this, Accelerate is a year long Leadership Training class that my Pastor Pete Hise and Quest Community Church started in ’05. It is intense and breaks down walls and pushes us to limits and closer to Jesus and I was just an Apprentice. I wasn’t even in Accelerate proper and the growth that happened was crazy.

Now here is the kicker. I sucked it up this year. The majority of the year was spent picking me in so many ways. There was so much fighting. I look back on it now and ask why. It was dumb. It was picking self over Jesus and people. And still I am amazed and what Jesus still let me do and be a part of. What He said I got to do anyway. What He led me out of into the place I am now.

Now the last 5 months or so were way different than the first several. It all changed when I decided to agree with what Jesus said about me. It’s amazing what that can do. For some reason I spent a lot of time disagreeing with His love for me. Disagreeing with who He said that I was. Disagreeing with the favor that He was handing to me. That may be the dumbest thing ever. Why disagree with Him? Especially when He is telling you amazing things.

So here I am at the end of it looking back. Amazing year. Hard year. Didn’t make it easy on my Accelerate leader year. Didn’t complete everything I was called to year. Received lots of grace and growth year. Heart changing year.

Do I get to turn around and do it again? I hope so. Do I get to be in Accelerate proper? I am praying so and I am terrified of the prospect. It won’t at all be easy. It will be really hard for sure. And I believe in whatever Jesus wants to walk me into. I believe He will make me faithful as He is faithful.

So here’s to 09 and the real beginning of 2010.

So This Is The New Year...

Here we are. First blog of TWENTYTEN. I am a way different person than I was this time last year. Life looks different. The future looks different. Even the past looks different through the eyes I have now. It wasn't an easy year. Not by any stretch of the imagination. It was hard, time consuming, humbling, stretching, breaking at times, reforming, massive highs, massive lows and a damn good year on the look back.

I don't know exactly what I intended to write here. It just felt like I needed to. Even if I dont say anything of any distinct importance here, it is leading me to reflect which I needed for me. In my own mind I needed to look back for a minute. Not to reminisce or regret or remorse, but to help me look forward.

What does this year have in store for me. I'm pretty sure it will be a year marked with the same words from that first paragraph. And it will look much different.


finish.............. 1/25/10

So I started writing that post a couple weeks ago. Seemed like a good idea to write brand new into the new year. Then I realized I didnt have anything to actually say. So I put it on hold. Here is the problem now. I still don't have much of anything to say. This year thus far has been relatively gray. Not in mood or like things are bad. But meaning there is nothing spectacular to speak of. There hasn't been anything really to speak of thus far. I am actually pretty bored currently. Waiting for something to give.

Granted, my heart is still growing. I am still learning and Jesus is still doing some substantial work on me. When I say life is relatively blah. I mean circumstantially. Nice thing is that that is not much effecting my heart work. I am still feeling really light and free and on a growth edge. That in and of itself is growth cause my circumstances used to dictate how I was doing all the time.

But as things go, I am in a stand still. As I have been for a while. Life moving on around me in lots of ways. Not sure what it is waiting on with me. Like what is out of place that I am still here circumstantially. I could gripe and moan and go into all the things I wish would hurry up and change. Not gonna bother. That would be counterproductive. But what do I need to do to move forward? Hell what am I moving forward into? What do I even want to move towards? Maybe that's part of the problem. I don't think I know what I want. I definitely am not sure what Jesus wants for me.

So what do I do to get those questions answered? I'll actually take suggestions if you have real ones.