There is a phenomenon that all men and women at some point in time fall into whether by choice or not. Mainly not. It may be one of the more disconcerting occurrences. Once you are in the chances of getting out are few and far between.
That place is the dreaded "Friend Zone". It's like quicksand. Easy to miss and fall into. Nearly impossible to escape. Once you've entered in, the path to return to the outside world is quite narrow and paved with peril and emotional hurdles. The walls lined with what-ifs and barbed wire.
Granted I am making this worse than it really easy, but for the sake of interest, I'm gonna go for the extreme. Makes for a more interesting read right? Right.
If ever there was a king of the Friend Zone, his name be Jon Headley. Lord and master of all things in this realm. My domain is one of singleness, anonymity and comments most guys are not meant to hear. My subjects live a life of passionless hugs and sleepless nights wondering how they have gotten here with every girl in their life. What makes me the king? The crown reads "Gay friend, who isn’t really gay." "We will say things around you that would normally only be said in the presence of our girlfriends, but you are close enough so its okay."
Granted, I appreciate the fact that I am trusted. By no means am I upset that my friends know that they can come to me with stuff. I love you all and this isn’t at all about me dating you.
Friend Zone creates ambiguity and insecurity of sorts. If all the other girls in your life have put you there, the chances of the next person you are interested in putting you there grows higher and more looming in your own mind. The darkness of the friend zone begins to sweep around before you even have a chance. I know I do it to myself, but I don't know how I accomplish it.
I would call it the curse of being a nice guy. Even when I try to act like the aloof asshole, still I'm spotted for what I really am, the softhearted teddy bear. You know how long I've been called a teddy bear? Longer than even I can remember.
Am I a mama's boy? I guess in mindset. Love my mom. And disrespecting her or any woman is out of the question. But at the same time, I still am a man who had my dad around and knows how to do that too. I am even told I have this level of charm and smoothness that just turns on. I'm a guy my girlfriends call for technical advice and to help move large objects and all other things "manly." So my confusion remains. So what if I am good with color and can tell you if a particular shirt matches your skin tone. Most black men can do that. And don’t pull the sewing card either. My dad sews, as do many other manly men.
So what is it? I have a feeling it's a question I am not allowed to have the answer to. So I find myself interested in someone and gun-shy at the prospect of another friend. I like friends, nothing wrong with that. But to risk the ask and once again be told that we can be friends doesn’t sound much like an appealing option.
I mentioned that leaving the friend zone is treacherous. Some people make it out alive. In fact, I think it makes sense. If you were looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, wouldn't you want it to be someone that you trust like that and it’s not just a physical thing? True that foundation can grow in the dating process. But why not stand on the foundation to begin with. So there has to be a way out. I have seen it happen. But once you are there, the ambiguity makes it difficult to know if escape is possible. Sometimes it is and you will never know.
So you're probably wondering if there are people right now that have put me on the thrown of Friend Zone, who, if the choice were mine, I would not sit on? Sure. But is it worth the effort to try and decipher if I can find my way out? Probably not. I can’t think that hard right now. And girls reading this don’t start freaking out that it might be you that I want to leave the dark chasm with. That’s stupid. (Man I am good at talking in riddles.)
Girls, if you have been friend zoned by a guy that you are interested in beyond that, it can be either really difficult or really easy to get out. Sometimes, that zone is it. Sorry. Many guys, once a mind is made up, that’s that. Don't harp on the issue. If he says no in week 1, week 3 is probably gonna garner the same response. Leave it alone. You have put yourself out there. If he changes his mind now, it is now his responsibility to make the next move. Not yours to go "how about now... how about now..."
Other times, its not hard at all. Some guys will give it a shot. But know this. Once the zone is left after you have lived there for a while in a guys mind, it is do or die. Either you hit stride and it’s amazing, or it can often lead to a complete melt down where the friend zone is not even an option anymore. Not always, but there is a good chance and it’s for you to decide if he is worth the risk. If your friendship was already rock solid, the possibility for friendship even after a breakup is higher. It’s for you both to decide to not act crazy.
Guys, I don’t know how you go about escaping this zone. Like I said, I am master of the zone. I am not an escape artist. I guess it just requires us manning up and taking a stab at it. I suppose if I am gonna tell the girls that it is okay to take a stab; I should say the same thing to the guys. Here is something I have learned though. Don't spend your time trying to gauge their feelings first. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Scratch that. It will get you a one-way ticket to crazy town. Guys, we are not meant to ever understand the maze that is a woman's mind. If you want to do it, you are just gonna have to do it. Something that most women are is gracious. It is not gonna ruin the friendship if you take a stab at it a lot of times. Be honest and not creepy. If you are creepy and not acting like the person they have grown to love as a friend to begin with, you will just freak them out. Be cool. Say your piece and leave it. If it is no, fine. Let it be. Once again, no "how about now... how about now..." Crazy town.
But girls, I say to you the same thing I said to the guys just now. Once it is on the table, don't expect us to come back to it over and over. If the offer intrigues you later down the road, say so. Don't look for us to come back to it. Time for you to be straight with us. We were straight with you. Girls... If you have friend zoned someone and that feeling has changed, we wont know. Guys tend to work with the facts. The facts are that you have already said, let’s be friends. So regardless of whether that is what he wanted or not, that’s what he will go with unless prodded. And I don’t mean slight hints. Those don’t work. Not a gentle lead line but a cattle prod.
I could probably keep talking in circles. You are probably really confused after reading this. Ah, the joy of the rant. That's what this blog is for. :) So there it is.
So in conclusion... Friend Zone has its place. That's all some people need to be. Not every single one though. I guess I now get the joy of manning up. Do I risk adding another "friend" in hopes of something else? We will see.
