So this year's holiday season is shaping up to be very different than most of mine have been in my life. Most have been bad. Laden with bad news and broken hearts and just all around not great things.
Thus far, Jesus has seen it fit to bless me and my family a lot already. I don't know what it is. He just has really been showing me a lot of favor recently and things that I refuse to just pass off as coincidence or a good year. He really is blessing my family in some areas that have long been unsteady.
I don't want to go into detail on here. Some of you know all the stuff that has been going on. Some of you know a few of the things that have been going on. Some of you know nothing. You can ask me in person if you are so inclined to do so. Or shoot me a message on facebook or email or something if you are at a long distance and you want to know. But in the greater internet land area, I am keeping it close to the chest. Let His work really go to the deep places in me. I just really needed to write something.
And for the first time in a long time, I don't think I am jinxing myself by verbalizing that good things are happening. I'm not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm just soaking this stuff in. Yeah there are a few more circumstantial pieces that need attention. But I am not about to complain or be greedy. His grace and goodness and timing are quite sufficient for me. He will deal with the other things in His own time if he so chooses to bless me those ways.
Me not locking down during Christmas. That could be a novel concept.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
What In The World
This has been a ridiculous couple weeks. I am in awe of Jesus for what He can do in a stubborn jackass such as myself. I'm gettting to believe Him in really new ways over the last few weeks. I'm getting to lay myself down and in turn believe the real things about myself. Agreeing with the surgery He has been doing in a new way has changed me a lot. I am hearing differently. I am responding differently. I'm asking differently. I'm leading differently. I'm wanting differently. It makes little sense to me, cause it isnt about me. I take no credit for "being a better person". He is making me into the real man of God that I am intended to be and I am so freaking grateful right now.
Over the last couple weeks I have watched Him do some crazy things. Things that are circumstantial in my life but He is so much telling me He has even the menial circumstances in my life under control. He has gifts just waiting for me. All it took was my agreement. He has great things for my hurting family. Ways that He wants to undeservedly lavish my brothers and parents with love. Who knows what He wants to do. And I love that I get to respond this way. To things that arent even finished but are still just in process and I love getting to respond with gratitude before anything is even done. I don't even know how things will play out and I am still so grateful. I'm still in awe. I'm in awe of the change in my heart.
I'm not gonna go into details. But man there is a lot of possibility on my plate that I am really excited about. Lots of different types of questions I get to ask. Lots of accountability I get to lean into. Lots of serving that I get to own in new ways. Exciting stuff.
Over the last couple weeks I have watched Him do some crazy things. Things that are circumstantial in my life but He is so much telling me He has even the menial circumstances in my life under control. He has gifts just waiting for me. All it took was my agreement. He has great things for my hurting family. Ways that He wants to undeservedly lavish my brothers and parents with love. Who knows what He wants to do. And I love that I get to respond this way. To things that arent even finished but are still just in process and I love getting to respond with gratitude before anything is even done. I don't even know how things will play out and I am still so grateful. I'm still in awe. I'm in awe of the change in my heart.
I'm not gonna go into details. But man there is a lot of possibility on my plate that I am really excited about. Lots of different types of questions I get to ask. Lots of accountability I get to lean into. Lots of serving that I get to own in new ways. Exciting stuff.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Is It Time?
Something about this week has a different air around it. Like something is about to explode. All this anticipation that has kept me up at night for the last 6 months feels about ready to hit the fan. In a good way. Like something is about to happen.
I have been in this holding pattern for months now. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what was about to happen and wanting it to happen and come quickly and it just wasn't. Over the last several weeks I think I had settled into it. Like it was the new operating system. This week just changed something for some reason. Today, apart from being ridiculously sleepy, I am amped about something. Like this is gonna be a different month, a different season.
Jesus, am I finally asking the right questions? Or did I finally ask them in the right way? It feels like you want to answer some this week. Maybe lots.
I will be brief with my look back on this week.
So I emailed Justin asking him for his help and prayer in figuring out some things and moving forward on some stuff. Within 3 days the following has happened and Justin and I haven't even been able to talk yet.
1. I get a call for a job interview at LCA and had it this morning. Not sure if I will get a call back or get offered the job but it was definitely a wake up call from Jesus to an end of Him telling me He has me. Like I can really trust Him to provide the right job.
2. I have lunch with my Dad and we somehow get into talking about callings. I get to have one of the best conversations I have ever had with Him. He may not have said it distinctly but I think my Dad is actually really proud of me. And maybe even supportive of me starting a music based business like I have in the works. That's nuts.
3. Pete delivers this radically great talk about The Church and The Uprising. Not only did it set something different in my heart that led to a good interview this morning in weird ways, but I think I get to ask big for The Uprising conference. I don't know what that means quite yet. But I think Jesus has asked me to ask for as big a roll as the lead team is able to give me and that I get to say yes to whatever that might be and I get to do it well and not be a dual person like I was with my last entrustment. I get to run this one right from the start whatever it is.
4. I get to have a small but meaningful Matthew 18 with a good friend. I got to apologize even if there was no wrong doing. I mean for me to apologize just for even the inclination of something is new for me. It was the most clean I have ever felt. I don't remember any wrong doing and I still got to humbly say I was sorry for if it was hurtful in anyway. Who the heck am I? I mean, it wasn't hard to do. I didn't have to work through it to get to a place of just saying I was sorry. Just weeks ago, I probably would have been pissed at even the notion I did something wrong knowing I didn't. And for some reason I got to just lay me aside and apologize?!?! It's amazing that Jesus can begin breaking walls down that you didn't even know were on the horizon. That is not puffing me up and saying "look how humble I can be." I take no credit for it. I am in a bit of shock about it. All credit to Jesus for letting me remove the filter and not be critical or even today think negatively about the situation at all. It's kind of miraculous.
5. I actually started asking if TSR was gonna be a possibility again. The prospect is hopeful. The person I most thought would probably not be interested, showed some interest. Turns out assuming the best and being hopeful are valuable and don't always lead to disappointment. Who knew. :)
Anyway, that's all just been in about 3 or 4 days. More to come for sure as things really start to get really solidified.
On a much lighter note, man I am looking forward to this week. It's a pretty chill week. I think I get to have some other fun lunches and talks with a couple different leaders this week. I get to hang out Thursday (or Saturday. Not sure what the final landing was) with some people that I am really growing to love having around and getting to be friends with. You know who you are and I know you all read this regularly. So shout out without names to you. Looking forward to it. I also am looking forward to just some fun things. Some hobby stuff. Some little creative projects. Some new ideas. I just feel good this week. What can I say?
I think I will take a nap this evening after work though. I'm tired for sure. Completely random comment coming. My Dad thinks I have Sleep Apnea I fell asleep on their couch yesterday afternoon and he said my breathing patterns were a good sign of it. Turns out it is a hereditary thing as well and my Mom has it. That would also explain why I never feel rested even when I sleep for a long time. Cause I never get into a real sleep cycle. Anyway, that's just a side note. Not really worried about it.
Let's get this week rolling. :)
I have been in this holding pattern for months now. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what was about to happen and wanting it to happen and come quickly and it just wasn't. Over the last several weeks I think I had settled into it. Like it was the new operating system. This week just changed something for some reason. Today, apart from being ridiculously sleepy, I am amped about something. Like this is gonna be a different month, a different season.
Jesus, am I finally asking the right questions? Or did I finally ask them in the right way? It feels like you want to answer some this week. Maybe lots.
I will be brief with my look back on this week.
So I emailed Justin asking him for his help and prayer in figuring out some things and moving forward on some stuff. Within 3 days the following has happened and Justin and I haven't even been able to talk yet.
1. I get a call for a job interview at LCA and had it this morning. Not sure if I will get a call back or get offered the job but it was definitely a wake up call from Jesus to an end of Him telling me He has me. Like I can really trust Him to provide the right job.
2. I have lunch with my Dad and we somehow get into talking about callings. I get to have one of the best conversations I have ever had with Him. He may not have said it distinctly but I think my Dad is actually really proud of me. And maybe even supportive of me starting a music based business like I have in the works. That's nuts.
3. Pete delivers this radically great talk about The Church and The Uprising. Not only did it set something different in my heart that led to a good interview this morning in weird ways, but I think I get to ask big for The Uprising conference. I don't know what that means quite yet. But I think Jesus has asked me to ask for as big a roll as the lead team is able to give me and that I get to say yes to whatever that might be and I get to do it well and not be a dual person like I was with my last entrustment. I get to run this one right from the start whatever it is.
4. I get to have a small but meaningful Matthew 18 with a good friend. I got to apologize even if there was no wrong doing. I mean for me to apologize just for even the inclination of something is new for me. It was the most clean I have ever felt. I don't remember any wrong doing and I still got to humbly say I was sorry for if it was hurtful in anyway. Who the heck am I? I mean, it wasn't hard to do. I didn't have to work through it to get to a place of just saying I was sorry. Just weeks ago, I probably would have been pissed at even the notion I did something wrong knowing I didn't. And for some reason I got to just lay me aside and apologize?!?! It's amazing that Jesus can begin breaking walls down that you didn't even know were on the horizon. That is not puffing me up and saying "look how humble I can be." I take no credit for it. I am in a bit of shock about it. All credit to Jesus for letting me remove the filter and not be critical or even today think negatively about the situation at all. It's kind of miraculous.
5. I actually started asking if TSR was gonna be a possibility again. The prospect is hopeful. The person I most thought would probably not be interested, showed some interest. Turns out assuming the best and being hopeful are valuable and don't always lead to disappointment. Who knew. :)
Anyway, that's all just been in about 3 or 4 days. More to come for sure as things really start to get really solidified.
On a much lighter note, man I am looking forward to this week. It's a pretty chill week. I think I get to have some other fun lunches and talks with a couple different leaders this week. I get to hang out Thursday (or Saturday. Not sure what the final landing was) with some people that I am really growing to love having around and getting to be friends with. You know who you are and I know you all read this regularly. So shout out without names to you. Looking forward to it. I also am looking forward to just some fun things. Some hobby stuff. Some little creative projects. Some new ideas. I just feel good this week. What can I say?
I think I will take a nap this evening after work though. I'm tired for sure. Completely random comment coming. My Dad thinks I have Sleep Apnea I fell asleep on their couch yesterday afternoon and he said my breathing patterns were a good sign of it. Turns out it is a hereditary thing as well and my Mom has it. That would also explain why I never feel rested even when I sleep for a long time. Cause I never get into a real sleep cycle. Anyway, that's just a side note. Not really worried about it.
Let's get this week rolling. :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Part 2
So while the last one was kind of broad and maybe a bit confusing, I want to parcel out some specific points that directly pertain to me and what I have been yearning for.
There are 2 that I mentioned about Jesus knowing how my heart feels. I think I am gonna talk about 1 of them. The other may be too vulnerable to get into here and is hard to talk about without specifics and specifics don't need to be shared with the blog reading world.
So this is gonna focus on music. I miss playing a lot. I mean a lot a lot. It's grown increasingly more so over the last few months. Playing at church is great. It's not refueling. It's not the end for me. Now that we are more in a rhythm, my roll there has lessened quite a bit so I don't connect to it as well. It was different when it was sparse on people and it was me and Matt Garner being weekend warriors. On for weeks and weeks at a time. I loved it and it so isn't the case anymore.
It's hard to explain that one in some ways. Saying I want a larger roll on stage sounds like I want to be seen more often or I think there needs to be more of me up there. Not at all what I am saying. Truth is stages are weirdly homes for me. It strange. I am never more self conscious than when I am on stage, but also never more connected to the heart of Jesus. Playing like that is so my heart. Being out on stage is so me and Jesus. Even when thousands of people are in a room. I have played a show to 1 audience member and still had the time of my life. It's not about being seen or heard. Or at least that I am seen or heard. It's something else that I haven't been able to put my exact finger on. There is just my own world that I enter in to. I think it is one He always let me enter into with Him, even before I really knew Him. It used to just be a venting zone. I would write my lyrics and scream them out and whether anyone listened or not, He heard me.
It's changed since I gave my life to Him. He still lets me vent but He has me worship too. And you would think in a church would be the exact right place for that right? Well yes and no. It's different in church. Playing other people's music is different. Playing someone else's songs is not the same for a writer. It is in a lot of ways formulaic and confining. I mean even in my own band if we covered a song, we made it our own. The Swift Retreat was working on a couple different covers before we pulled the plug. Thriller by Michael Jackson and Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. We were experimenting with how beats went, how we were gonna recreate important parts without synths and such. It was a blast.
It is so rare we experiment with stuff at church. Performed songs are pretty much done note for note. We study the song to get things exactly right. We try to mimic every part even if we know there is no way the artist can reproduce some of it live without having 15 vocalist on stage. I am not knocking the artistry that goes into that. We have greatly talented musicians. Anyerin's solo on Beat it was freaking amazing. Locking in on some of the more difficult drum parts always impresses me when Chris does them. Chris Hall and Mike Parrott killing Kirk Franklin bass lines which are not easy. That's amazing stuff.
I miss writing and creating and crafting together from scratch. I miss getting on stage and entering into a my zone with Jesus and with the guys the He blessed me with to play with. That was what the Swift Retreat was. Us crafting something together and playing together and being original together. That is a massive loss in my heart right now. It has been for quite some time. I think I have felt like asking for it back is either irresponsible or selfish or something along those lines. Like I would be intruding on the others guys lives if I were to ask if that was something we could pick up again. Like I would be pissing them off in some way. Insecurity at it's best.
I think I need to ask or I need to find an outlet for that. Maybe it means I just do my own solo project. Hard to do when you don't have any real way to record. I have some stuff I have been working on but I don't have any real way to put all the parts I have in my head together into one cohesive form. And then I lose it if it sits too long. My number 1 creative outlet is on a unwanted and seemingly complicated stand still. That's probably why it seems like I am always starting these random creative often nerdy projects. The shirt thing being the most prevalent. And they all end up not being completed cause they aren't really what I want to be doing.
So what do I do? Time to really ask Jesus about it. Ask Him for the means to do something. Ask Him for the words and the chords. Ask Him for the people if they are supposed to exist. Ask Him for the stage if I'm supposed to be on it. I can't go on the way I have been. I really need Him to start refueling me and I need to let Him do it. And there are just some ways He has already revealed that are Him in me that I need Him to craft out. Music being one of them.
The thing about being alone at a wedding I am not gonna go in to. Save to say this. All guys hate going to weddings. Truth. Going by yourself and being surrounded by couples... worse. I am so glad there aren't any others I need to attend for a little bit. Becky I love you. I am glad I got to see you and Zach tie the knot and I hope you have years and years of happy life together. Now for a much needed respite. :)
There are 2 that I mentioned about Jesus knowing how my heart feels. I think I am gonna talk about 1 of them. The other may be too vulnerable to get into here and is hard to talk about without specifics and specifics don't need to be shared with the blog reading world.
So this is gonna focus on music. I miss playing a lot. I mean a lot a lot. It's grown increasingly more so over the last few months. Playing at church is great. It's not refueling. It's not the end for me. Now that we are more in a rhythm, my roll there has lessened quite a bit so I don't connect to it as well. It was different when it was sparse on people and it was me and Matt Garner being weekend warriors. On for weeks and weeks at a time. I loved it and it so isn't the case anymore.
It's hard to explain that one in some ways. Saying I want a larger roll on stage sounds like I want to be seen more often or I think there needs to be more of me up there. Not at all what I am saying. Truth is stages are weirdly homes for me. It strange. I am never more self conscious than when I am on stage, but also never more connected to the heart of Jesus. Playing like that is so my heart. Being out on stage is so me and Jesus. Even when thousands of people are in a room. I have played a show to 1 audience member and still had the time of my life. It's not about being seen or heard. Or at least that I am seen or heard. It's something else that I haven't been able to put my exact finger on. There is just my own world that I enter in to. I think it is one He always let me enter into with Him, even before I really knew Him. It used to just be a venting zone. I would write my lyrics and scream them out and whether anyone listened or not, He heard me.
It's changed since I gave my life to Him. He still lets me vent but He has me worship too. And you would think in a church would be the exact right place for that right? Well yes and no. It's different in church. Playing other people's music is different. Playing someone else's songs is not the same for a writer. It is in a lot of ways formulaic and confining. I mean even in my own band if we covered a song, we made it our own. The Swift Retreat was working on a couple different covers before we pulled the plug. Thriller by Michael Jackson and Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. We were experimenting with how beats went, how we were gonna recreate important parts without synths and such. It was a blast.
It is so rare we experiment with stuff at church. Performed songs are pretty much done note for note. We study the song to get things exactly right. We try to mimic every part even if we know there is no way the artist can reproduce some of it live without having 15 vocalist on stage. I am not knocking the artistry that goes into that. We have greatly talented musicians. Anyerin's solo on Beat it was freaking amazing. Locking in on some of the more difficult drum parts always impresses me when Chris does them. Chris Hall and Mike Parrott killing Kirk Franklin bass lines which are not easy. That's amazing stuff.
I miss writing and creating and crafting together from scratch. I miss getting on stage and entering into a my zone with Jesus and with the guys the He blessed me with to play with. That was what the Swift Retreat was. Us crafting something together and playing together and being original together. That is a massive loss in my heart right now. It has been for quite some time. I think I have felt like asking for it back is either irresponsible or selfish or something along those lines. Like I would be intruding on the others guys lives if I were to ask if that was something we could pick up again. Like I would be pissing them off in some way. Insecurity at it's best.
I think I need to ask or I need to find an outlet for that. Maybe it means I just do my own solo project. Hard to do when you don't have any real way to record. I have some stuff I have been working on but I don't have any real way to put all the parts I have in my head together into one cohesive form. And then I lose it if it sits too long. My number 1 creative outlet is on a unwanted and seemingly complicated stand still. That's probably why it seems like I am always starting these random creative often nerdy projects. The shirt thing being the most prevalent. And they all end up not being completed cause they aren't really what I want to be doing.
So what do I do? Time to really ask Jesus about it. Ask Him for the means to do something. Ask Him for the words and the chords. Ask Him for the people if they are supposed to exist. Ask Him for the stage if I'm supposed to be on it. I can't go on the way I have been. I really need Him to start refueling me and I need to let Him do it. And there are just some ways He has already revealed that are Him in me that I need Him to craft out. Music being one of them.
The thing about being alone at a wedding I am not gonna go in to. Save to say this. All guys hate going to weddings. Truth. Going by yourself and being surrounded by couples... worse. I am so glad there aren't any others I need to attend for a little bit. Becky I love you. I am glad I got to see you and Zach tie the knot and I hope you have years and years of happy life together. Now for a much needed respite. :)
No Real Title
Okay. I have 2 blogs I want to write today. Not sure I will get to one of them. It may have to wait till tomorrow but we will see how busy I am here at work today. But I want to write this one first. This one is about this weekends message that Sharon brought at church. Man did I need to hear it and I loved hearing someone I know loves me a lot and who I love a lot be the one to teach on it.
How well do I do in living in the truth that God made me to love me. You know what, as much as I have grown in it in the last few months, it fluctuates to much. My circumstances have had a tendency to throw me around and unsettle me. It's retarded I know, and I am starting to get to much more settled spot. It helps when I am not choosing to look at me all the time. My foundation has been so weak for so long. It is taking time to rebuild it in me. So glad it is getting more solid.
We discussed the voices that we let play in our head at life group last night. Mine are too numerous to list here. They have always been so loud and drowned out the voice of God. Slowly but surely they are starting to get quieter. Or at least He has let me recognize more when they are talking to me and I am getting quicker at refuting them and choosing Him. It's not a natural response though. I want to be in a place where it is just a natural response to not be in my own head listening to past voices or my own voices. Where His is so clear in my ear that it is not work all the time to come back to center. Granted over the last couple months it has moved from taking weeks to get it to maybe hours. Or a couple days. And it is still work.
The work in some ways over the last few months has shown on me. In not great ways. Whether it just be a sense of heaviness on me or my lack or really being around in a lot of ways. Not fully being engaged or connected or fully able to get my head and heart around things. I've been putting this stuff together after Justin had the foresight to call me out on it. I knew things weren't feeling right but hadn't really wanted to spend any time with it. It was probably easier to just leave. But the past week and a half or so I've been trying to look closer at it.
Several things occur to me. The overarching thing I think is a feeling of a loss of myself in someways. Yes it sounds selfish but that's not the point or idea. It's weird the more I gave up me and what I wanted and what I may have needed at times, the more I focused on me and what I wasn't getting and then turned it around to what everyone else was getting. It was a weird dichotomy of selfless self. Not selfless in a good way of giving of yourself freely and really being selfless. I think it was giving up of stuff out of obligation and people pleasing. My time was not my own not cause I really made it so and was in a heart place to say that fully, but because that is what I thought I had to do. Either out of bending to other people's will or cause it was a point of "this is how I will be accepted." It's made me tired.
I was realizing last week, I miss my old life. That's weird in so many ways. I don't need to go back. But I was missing the freedom of my choice I guess. To do something cause I really wanted to and really was connected to it. The fun of getting to go out. The way that being at a concert all the time was so refueling to me. Playing music that I got to write and really craft and not just playing a guitar in something I really have very little invested in.
I let my tank go empty. I haven't been listening to Jesus' voice saying well done in any way. Or telling me He loves me. I've just been doing. I haven't been refueling at all. I have even given up the things I know refuel me in an effort to look selfless I guess. Playing music that I got to write, so refueling, so close to my heart. So not happening. I gave it up. I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. But didn't let Jesus give me a back up plan for how He was gonna fill that void for me. I just gave it up and assumed it would be filled somehow. And in the meantime just told people "oh yeah I love getting to play at church." I do, but it isn't a refueling station to my heart.
I have people around a lot just for the sake of having people around. I know I have a tendency to isolate, but I am realizing I can even accomplish that in a crowd. I don't ask for specific time with people I know have a direct connect to my heart and can really refuel me in the right ways. I'm just a face in the crowd even when I am being involved and cracking jokes and all that. In my head I am still sitting in a corner alone.
None of this is good. I'm asking Jesus for the right steps to take. I just started putting some of this together today and over the weekend. I was around people almost all weekend and still felt outside of things. Disconnected. It's like I have lost a real connection with people somewhere along the line. Lost a real connection with myself and who I am and who I am being made to be. Lost a real connection to who Jesus says I am.
That was reforged in words yesterday. Clear words that went straight to my heart. Dug straight into whatever protective wall I had started putting back up again because the surgery that has been done in me has been hurting and has been hard. It has seemed endless and I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I guess I did and it took being called out of it. Last week by Justin and yesterday from words Sharon said that I hope people didn't miss. Words that should mark everyone of us to the core. Words I want placed on me somewhere so I never forget.
"Something is worth whatever someone is willing to pay for it." God deemed me worth the death of His son on a cross. WHAT?!? In that one act He said "Jon, you are so worthy and loved and someone I want to be with that I will pay with my own child's life to buy you back." That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You know what, how in the world do I forget that? That's the biggest thing I heard the day I gave my life to Jesus. It's words He spoke so clearly to me through the people I was standing in that circle with and He spoke directly to me with His own words and He wrapped me up. How do I forget those words?
That reorients everything. That changes everything. Everything I thought I needed to sacrifice to be worthy. Bunk. Everything I thought I had to do to please Him and please my leaders. Bunk. Every selfish choice I made or selfish word I spoke. Bunk. Every distrustful thought I had. Every time I chose to refute words that were spoken to me or think I deserved something. Bunk. He bled and died so I could be with Him. Everything else is idiotic.
Truth of the matter is that He wants me to be in community with Him and He made me a certain way. He knows just how my heart ticks. He knows that every time I listen to a band I like, my heart yearns to be playing. He knows every time I sit through a wedding alone, my heart feels alone. He knows every time I step on stage at church that I am battling performance and separating playing a concert with really worshipping Him. (I'm actually quite thankful for our new stage. Its so big it is hard to see people or hear them in our ear buds so all I can do is enter into my own state of worship with Him. There are tons of people in the room and cause of that separation, its just me and Him.) He's knows me better than I know myself. So I want even more Him to tell me what I should be doing. I want my filter ripped down. I don't want to process through every word that is ever spoken to me and put my own light on it to make sure of whether I am gonna listen or not. And He knows how I tick. I can listen to Him and not say yes to the things I don't need to. I have said yes out of a fear of what if I say no and someone else gets something down the road instead of me. I've said yes to things I know I didn't need to or that I didn't go to Him with. Now I feel stuck in things. That's bad. Had I gone to Him first, maybe I would have heard, "hey, I have something better for you than this one."
I want to have ears like that. Ears that hear His voice in things. Not ones that I am creating. I want to listen for Him in the middle of things. This is especially on rolls I am in or serving points and such. When a leader tells me to pray about something, I probably really should. Not just say yes. I don't want to filter out that leader and say "well you aren't Jesus so I will check on it." Obviously He speaks through them and asks are made of me through my leaders. But I'm Jesus has words He tries to speak directly to me in there and I have blanketly said yes to something that He could have had a different answer for. What if I was supposed to say "that doesn't sound right for me but I would really love to be in process with you on what that next step is."
Okay this is really long and I don't know that I have explained myself really well. This reads with contradictory points. Sounding selfish at points and not about me at others. I realize that. I am starting to come to the conclusion though that it's not selfish to be in the places you know are for you and to say no to ones that you know aren't. And I want Jesus defining that for me instead of just giving up myself into spots that are not for me. That's where I lost myself and I lost Jesus' picture of me. So in saying I want to regain myself. I want to regain Jesus' picture of me and what He really has in store for me. Not sure how that looks at the moment, but when I am on that right page, then I will be serving in the right spirit and not letting my tank get low and getting selfish and all about me. Hard to be about myself when I am living in His love and know that I am right where He wants me cause those places will always be where I want to be so I will forget about me in it and just be able to do it. Man, I just confused myself a little bit. :)
How well do I do in living in the truth that God made me to love me. You know what, as much as I have grown in it in the last few months, it fluctuates to much. My circumstances have had a tendency to throw me around and unsettle me. It's retarded I know, and I am starting to get to much more settled spot. It helps when I am not choosing to look at me all the time. My foundation has been so weak for so long. It is taking time to rebuild it in me. So glad it is getting more solid.
We discussed the voices that we let play in our head at life group last night. Mine are too numerous to list here. They have always been so loud and drowned out the voice of God. Slowly but surely they are starting to get quieter. Or at least He has let me recognize more when they are talking to me and I am getting quicker at refuting them and choosing Him. It's not a natural response though. I want to be in a place where it is just a natural response to not be in my own head listening to past voices or my own voices. Where His is so clear in my ear that it is not work all the time to come back to center. Granted over the last couple months it has moved from taking weeks to get it to maybe hours. Or a couple days. And it is still work.
The work in some ways over the last few months has shown on me. In not great ways. Whether it just be a sense of heaviness on me or my lack or really being around in a lot of ways. Not fully being engaged or connected or fully able to get my head and heart around things. I've been putting this stuff together after Justin had the foresight to call me out on it. I knew things weren't feeling right but hadn't really wanted to spend any time with it. It was probably easier to just leave. But the past week and a half or so I've been trying to look closer at it.
Several things occur to me. The overarching thing I think is a feeling of a loss of myself in someways. Yes it sounds selfish but that's not the point or idea. It's weird the more I gave up me and what I wanted and what I may have needed at times, the more I focused on me and what I wasn't getting and then turned it around to what everyone else was getting. It was a weird dichotomy of selfless self. Not selfless in a good way of giving of yourself freely and really being selfless. I think it was giving up of stuff out of obligation and people pleasing. My time was not my own not cause I really made it so and was in a heart place to say that fully, but because that is what I thought I had to do. Either out of bending to other people's will or cause it was a point of "this is how I will be accepted." It's made me tired.
I was realizing last week, I miss my old life. That's weird in so many ways. I don't need to go back. But I was missing the freedom of my choice I guess. To do something cause I really wanted to and really was connected to it. The fun of getting to go out. The way that being at a concert all the time was so refueling to me. Playing music that I got to write and really craft and not just playing a guitar in something I really have very little invested in.
I let my tank go empty. I haven't been listening to Jesus' voice saying well done in any way. Or telling me He loves me. I've just been doing. I haven't been refueling at all. I have even given up the things I know refuel me in an effort to look selfless I guess. Playing music that I got to write, so refueling, so close to my heart. So not happening. I gave it up. I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. But didn't let Jesus give me a back up plan for how He was gonna fill that void for me. I just gave it up and assumed it would be filled somehow. And in the meantime just told people "oh yeah I love getting to play at church." I do, but it isn't a refueling station to my heart.
I have people around a lot just for the sake of having people around. I know I have a tendency to isolate, but I am realizing I can even accomplish that in a crowd. I don't ask for specific time with people I know have a direct connect to my heart and can really refuel me in the right ways. I'm just a face in the crowd even when I am being involved and cracking jokes and all that. In my head I am still sitting in a corner alone.
None of this is good. I'm asking Jesus for the right steps to take. I just started putting some of this together today and over the weekend. I was around people almost all weekend and still felt outside of things. Disconnected. It's like I have lost a real connection with people somewhere along the line. Lost a real connection with myself and who I am and who I am being made to be. Lost a real connection to who Jesus says I am.
That was reforged in words yesterday. Clear words that went straight to my heart. Dug straight into whatever protective wall I had started putting back up again because the surgery that has been done in me has been hurting and has been hard. It has seemed endless and I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I guess I did and it took being called out of it. Last week by Justin and yesterday from words Sharon said that I hope people didn't miss. Words that should mark everyone of us to the core. Words I want placed on me somewhere so I never forget.
"Something is worth whatever someone is willing to pay for it." God deemed me worth the death of His son on a cross. WHAT?!? In that one act He said "Jon, you are so worthy and loved and someone I want to be with that I will pay with my own child's life to buy you back." That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You know what, how in the world do I forget that? That's the biggest thing I heard the day I gave my life to Jesus. It's words He spoke so clearly to me through the people I was standing in that circle with and He spoke directly to me with His own words and He wrapped me up. How do I forget those words?
That reorients everything. That changes everything. Everything I thought I needed to sacrifice to be worthy. Bunk. Everything I thought I had to do to please Him and please my leaders. Bunk. Every selfish choice I made or selfish word I spoke. Bunk. Every distrustful thought I had. Every time I chose to refute words that were spoken to me or think I deserved something. Bunk. He bled and died so I could be with Him. Everything else is idiotic.
Truth of the matter is that He wants me to be in community with Him and He made me a certain way. He knows just how my heart ticks. He knows that every time I listen to a band I like, my heart yearns to be playing. He knows every time I sit through a wedding alone, my heart feels alone. He knows every time I step on stage at church that I am battling performance and separating playing a concert with really worshipping Him. (I'm actually quite thankful for our new stage. Its so big it is hard to see people or hear them in our ear buds so all I can do is enter into my own state of worship with Him. There are tons of people in the room and cause of that separation, its just me and Him.) He's knows me better than I know myself. So I want even more Him to tell me what I should be doing. I want my filter ripped down. I don't want to process through every word that is ever spoken to me and put my own light on it to make sure of whether I am gonna listen or not. And He knows how I tick. I can listen to Him and not say yes to the things I don't need to. I have said yes out of a fear of what if I say no and someone else gets something down the road instead of me. I've said yes to things I know I didn't need to or that I didn't go to Him with. Now I feel stuck in things. That's bad. Had I gone to Him first, maybe I would have heard, "hey, I have something better for you than this one."
I want to have ears like that. Ears that hear His voice in things. Not ones that I am creating. I want to listen for Him in the middle of things. This is especially on rolls I am in or serving points and such. When a leader tells me to pray about something, I probably really should. Not just say yes. I don't want to filter out that leader and say "well you aren't Jesus so I will check on it." Obviously He speaks through them and asks are made of me through my leaders. But I'm Jesus has words He tries to speak directly to me in there and I have blanketly said yes to something that He could have had a different answer for. What if I was supposed to say "that doesn't sound right for me but I would really love to be in process with you on what that next step is."
Okay this is really long and I don't know that I have explained myself really well. This reads with contradictory points. Sounding selfish at points and not about me at others. I realize that. I am starting to come to the conclusion though that it's not selfish to be in the places you know are for you and to say no to ones that you know aren't. And I want Jesus defining that for me instead of just giving up myself into spots that are not for me. That's where I lost myself and I lost Jesus' picture of me. So in saying I want to regain myself. I want to regain Jesus' picture of me and what He really has in store for me. Not sure how that looks at the moment, but when I am on that right page, then I will be serving in the right spirit and not letting my tank get low and getting selfish and all about me. Hard to be about myself when I am living in His love and know that I am right where He wants me cause those places will always be where I want to be so I will forget about me in it and just be able to do it. Man, I just confused myself a little bit. :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Perry Noble - Smart Man
So I have written a lot of really serious blogs over the past little while. I have had the inspiration to write something a little more light hearted today. And its completely retarded and dumb and rehashes something from an earlier blog.
So I was reading some of Perry Noble's blog today. A much wiser man than myself. It happened to be one on dudes manning up in relationships. Now many of you may remember me at some point along the way saying it was okay for a girl to ask out a guy. Many have disagreed with this statement and try to argue with me on it on numerous occasions. I want to make myself clear. I didn't say SHOULD. I merely said I think its okay.
Now Mr. Noble probably whole heartedly disagrees with me. And at the same time I whole heartedly agree with his post. It took me a second to reconcile to my own but I don't feel conflicted in saying both things. While I think there are innocent acceptable ways for a female to make her interests known, I do believe men need to man up. It is our job to "lead". It is on us to really step up. Not because society says so. Screw society. Society will have you believe a lot of stupid crap.
No people, God's word states it is the male that will lead in his household. Society would have you believe that is sexist. "Why cant the man stay home and take care of the kids while the woman goes and earns a living." Who the hell said that that has anything to do with who is really a spiritual leader in the house? I would love to have kids and get to spend all day investing in them and really leading them to Jesus. Sounds like still being a leader in my house to me. But that's not the point.
Guys, step up. If you want to scrap the leader business let just go with the chivalrous route. Please don't make chivalry a dead art form. It is alive and well and you should be able to own it. So a girl ask you to go out with them sometime. Step up and take responsibility for that date. You make plans and really make an effort to sweep her off her feet. Do not play the "she asked me so she should plan it" card. That is a deuchebags card.
Here is the honest deal. I would love to be asked out. Not cause I am a wuss and want to skip out on all the work. It would just be different. And I can guarantee you that I would take the initiative and plan and all that and not leave it on her to set up everything. Deuchebag.
And that is not a call up by any means for some girl to ask me out. That is not what I am saying at all. I am not setting this up so that some random chick reads this and ask me out. Not the case. It is just an opinion. I don't think it steals the leadership. I still think if a man is going to wuss out on leading, he was gonna do that whether the girl asked him first or not. I also don't think it steals from how loved and taken care of and valued the girl can feel. That is as the man steps up. No ladies don't go chasing him. But is it really a loss of dignity to say "hey i am interested in you and would like to get to know you"? I'll let you decide. But if you do do that and he replies with "Sure whatever. Set something up." DEUCHEBAG. Scrap the whole idea. His response should be nothing less than "I would love to. How about Friday. I would love to take you out. What do you think of FancySchmancy Restaurant. They have really good food."
I will add this. This is where my theory may run into trouble. But it is once again based on the level of guy you asked out. Say the date goes great. He was a total gentleman. Treated you like a lady. Really took the initiative on the date. Picked a great place he knew you would love. Came up with creative options and didn't take you to a crappy movie. Fantastic. It seems that he has stepped up. At the end of the night or somewhere in the process as time allows, He should still be stepping up. Don't ask him a second time. By this time the "I just didnt know" is now null and void. He knows you were at least interested for a first. Let him come after you for a second. Don't pine and all that for a second. If he still wont take the initiative this second time. Either A. He didnt enjoy the date and doesnt want a second. And in this case he better not tell you he will call you. or B. He really is a deuchebag who was hiding in sheeps clothing on the date hoping to get "something" out of the night and really is assuming you will ask him again and boost his ego.
Step back now and let him come to you.
These are not hard fast rules. I think if you are gonna choose a side that what Mr. Noble says is really the way to go. I fully believe guys should step up. I fully plan on that being my MO. I am not waiting for someone to ask me out. I will take my own cues and be a man and do what I need to do. I was never ever saying that it should be a hard rule that girls need to take the initiative. Maybe slightly bucking the trend that it was not allowable and that it goes in the face of leadership and pursuit and all that. But I completely agree that men need to be men. Yeah it kind of sucks always having the possibility of a no lingering in front of you. And its really okay. The worst she can say is no. I mean I am secure in Jesus and believe what He says is true about me. A no isnt going to tear me down. Even a "no, ew thats gross" wont tear me down. It will just sting a bit more. :)
So men, man up. Girls its still your choice. And still choose to be pursued as a first thought. You are worth the pursuit. But is it so wrong to think that pursuit can look a little different?
Now you may now have read this and wondered why I haven't manned up myself. I haven't been on any date since my divorce. Sad I know. Now I have asked and it just hasn't been right. And currently I am, for circumstances beyond my current control, not in a place to ask. I know that doesn't answer your question. But if you are believing that I am waiting for someone to ask me and writing this blog to that end, man are you wrong. I do not expect that. When the time is right I will man up and do it myself. Oh and please do not send me some pity note saying how sad I must be to not have gone on a date in 3 years. I might punch you in the face next time I see you. I'm right where I need to be growing with Jesus and don't need a date to make everything okay. Maybe you need a date. What about them apples?
So I was reading some of Perry Noble's blog today. A much wiser man than myself. It happened to be one on dudes manning up in relationships. Now many of you may remember me at some point along the way saying it was okay for a girl to ask out a guy. Many have disagreed with this statement and try to argue with me on it on numerous occasions. I want to make myself clear. I didn't say SHOULD. I merely said I think its okay.
Now Mr. Noble probably whole heartedly disagrees with me. And at the same time I whole heartedly agree with his post. It took me a second to reconcile to my own but I don't feel conflicted in saying both things. While I think there are innocent acceptable ways for a female to make her interests known, I do believe men need to man up. It is our job to "lead". It is on us to really step up. Not because society says so. Screw society. Society will have you believe a lot of stupid crap.
No people, God's word states it is the male that will lead in his household. Society would have you believe that is sexist. "Why cant the man stay home and take care of the kids while the woman goes and earns a living." Who the hell said that that has anything to do with who is really a spiritual leader in the house? I would love to have kids and get to spend all day investing in them and really leading them to Jesus. Sounds like still being a leader in my house to me. But that's not the point.
Guys, step up. If you want to scrap the leader business let just go with the chivalrous route. Please don't make chivalry a dead art form. It is alive and well and you should be able to own it. So a girl ask you to go out with them sometime. Step up and take responsibility for that date. You make plans and really make an effort to sweep her off her feet. Do not play the "she asked me so she should plan it" card. That is a deuchebags card.
Here is the honest deal. I would love to be asked out. Not cause I am a wuss and want to skip out on all the work. It would just be different. And I can guarantee you that I would take the initiative and plan and all that and not leave it on her to set up everything. Deuchebag.
And that is not a call up by any means for some girl to ask me out. That is not what I am saying at all. I am not setting this up so that some random chick reads this and ask me out. Not the case. It is just an opinion. I don't think it steals the leadership. I still think if a man is going to wuss out on leading, he was gonna do that whether the girl asked him first or not. I also don't think it steals from how loved and taken care of and valued the girl can feel. That is as the man steps up. No ladies don't go chasing him. But is it really a loss of dignity to say "hey i am interested in you and would like to get to know you"? I'll let you decide. But if you do do that and he replies with "Sure whatever. Set something up." DEUCHEBAG. Scrap the whole idea. His response should be nothing less than "I would love to. How about Friday. I would love to take you out. What do you think of FancySchmancy Restaurant. They have really good food."
I will add this. This is where my theory may run into trouble. But it is once again based on the level of guy you asked out. Say the date goes great. He was a total gentleman. Treated you like a lady. Really took the initiative on the date. Picked a great place he knew you would love. Came up with creative options and didn't take you to a crappy movie. Fantastic. It seems that he has stepped up. At the end of the night or somewhere in the process as time allows, He should still be stepping up. Don't ask him a second time. By this time the "I just didnt know" is now null and void. He knows you were at least interested for a first. Let him come after you for a second. Don't pine and all that for a second. If he still wont take the initiative this second time. Either A. He didnt enjoy the date and doesnt want a second. And in this case he better not tell you he will call you. or B. He really is a deuchebag who was hiding in sheeps clothing on the date hoping to get "something" out of the night and really is assuming you will ask him again and boost his ego.
Step back now and let him come to you.
These are not hard fast rules. I think if you are gonna choose a side that what Mr. Noble says is really the way to go. I fully believe guys should step up. I fully plan on that being my MO. I am not waiting for someone to ask me out. I will take my own cues and be a man and do what I need to do. I was never ever saying that it should be a hard rule that girls need to take the initiative. Maybe slightly bucking the trend that it was not allowable and that it goes in the face of leadership and pursuit and all that. But I completely agree that men need to be men. Yeah it kind of sucks always having the possibility of a no lingering in front of you. And its really okay. The worst she can say is no. I mean I am secure in Jesus and believe what He says is true about me. A no isnt going to tear me down. Even a "no, ew thats gross" wont tear me down. It will just sting a bit more. :)
So men, man up. Girls its still your choice. And still choose to be pursued as a first thought. You are worth the pursuit. But is it so wrong to think that pursuit can look a little different?
Now you may now have read this and wondered why I haven't manned up myself. I haven't been on any date since my divorce. Sad I know. Now I have asked and it just hasn't been right. And currently I am, for circumstances beyond my current control, not in a place to ask. I know that doesn't answer your question. But if you are believing that I am waiting for someone to ask me and writing this blog to that end, man are you wrong. I do not expect that. When the time is right I will man up and do it myself. Oh and please do not send me some pity note saying how sad I must be to not have gone on a date in 3 years. I might punch you in the face next time I see you. I'm right where I need to be growing with Jesus and don't need a date to make everything okay. Maybe you need a date. What about them apples?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
New Poll
So I have a new poll up. It's kind of a suck question. But it is something I need to know the answer to. I am wondering what people actually think about me. Do I give off that prideful self focused vibe? I want to know the truth. And this is really for people who know me and have interaction with me beyond this blog. Cause if you just read this blog that doesn't count. This is my place to just write about myself or voice a stupid opinion that is really of no consequence. But in real interaction with me, is that a vibe you have gotten.
The poll is anonymous so don't worry that I am gonna get upset with you. I want real answers. It's something I am grappling with. Sucks for sure. Cause in my heart I don't feel that but if that is the vibe the majority of people get, I may need to press into it.
The poll is anonymous so don't worry that I am gonna get upset with you. I want real answers. It's something I am grappling with. Sucks for sure. Cause in my heart I don't feel that but if that is the vibe the majority of people get, I may need to press into it.
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