So late call Monday to be a part of our team that was going up to the Christian & Missionary Alliance Conference last night. C&MA is the denomination that my church is associated with.
To start with, I just was excited about the chance to get out of work early. I had no Idea what I was getting myself in to. I didn't know how big this would be. I didn't know how transformational of a start it was gonna be for both the denomination and for me. I didn't know Jesus was gonna let me have that kind of effect on churches across our country and the world. I went in feeling very unprepared and I started hearing what was gonna be happening, what we were gonna be doing and what Pete was gonna be sharing. Thankfully we got in some good prayer time where I got to ask Jesus to get me up to speed. And man did He.
I was getting to go up and be a part of the music team and do a performed song and lead some worship. Basically we were giving the other churches a glimpse into what Quest does. Josh edited together a great video and we got to come out of that into a pretty powerful song. Then Pete got up and was interviewed by the President. He said some pretty stirring things that should have gotten people excited, and I don't know how many people in the room got it.
Speaking of that, there were about 2400 people there. The room had as many seats as our new auditorium will. Luckily our new auditorium will sound better. :)
But then after Pete got off, our group got to step back up and lead the room in worship. We did Reign in Us which was obviously new to people. Most of the churches and people represented still follow a very traditional style of worship, which is great, but we definitely aren't. You could tell everything we did caught people off guard. Getting to watch the room shift a little bit was great.
The here comes Todd Adams, a missionary in the conference. Holy crap. Jesus put so much stirring power in his words. He spoke of a father willing to do anything to get his kids back. Anything! It was so shaking. It was so the heart of what I get to be a part of at Quest. Love them home. It was amazing. I think that caught the majority of the room back on their heels as well. I hope people took it and did real work with why a message of truth like that might have been hard for them to hear. I sure did. It wasn't hard to hear for me but definitely got me on pages of wanting to step out where I have been so scared to in the past. I even had dreams of getting to be sitting down leading people to Jesus. Its what I want to see and do. What else is worth living for.
I get to be a part of the Ichthus Altar Ministry this year. We had the training session last night after service. I don't know how Jesus wants to use me but I want to be used. I don't have the luxury in that setting of avoiding the talks and avoiding people and slipping into my normal paths. I will be upfront confronted with people who need Him and they will be assigned to me in some ways. Where I have been afraid to take someones hand and help them put it in Jesus', this is hands being placed in mine with no ifs ands or buts and saying lets go. I'm really looking forward to the stretch and to see what Jesus really wants to do in these kids lives.
I wish I was able to get back up to some more of the conference this week, but I don't think that will happen. We did get to share some good time with the other musicians that were up there. It was brief but I think it was needed. The band for the week at the conference are all students from Nyack College in New York who are on a tour of sorts. They played really well and only got to practice and meet the worship leader on Monday night. We got to encourage them a bit and I think help connect them further to what they get to be a part of. It was fun.
On the way back, had some great conversation with Garner and Chris Hall. It was all in all a great experience. This week has been amazing thus far. Minus having to be at work, things have really been different for me in my heart this week. Brighter on so many levels and just stirred to be used in ways that I have yet to even see. Let's do this thing.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Memorial Day and SipNSlides
So yesterday was an... amusing day. Lots of crap in the morning that I wont go in to but it all ended really well. Some of us were finally able to go down to my parents place and to the pool. It was a very round about way of getting there but we did. Stupid weather people.
Anyway, I think everyone had a decent time. My dad has done an amazing job of getting the back yard in pretty nice shape. Its looking pretty boss back there. (Yeah I said boss. Who wants to help me bring that one back?)
So, last week, I think Monday, Eckert and I were at Wal-Mart. She decides she wants a SlipNSlide for the festivities. I am very aware I was not going to be on it. This thing was like 18 feet long with blow up boogie boards. Now 18 feet sounds pretty long right? Well maybe so when you are only 3 feet tall and 7 years old. But at age ranges of 20 to 31 and heights of 5' 3" to 6' 2" things begin to look smaller and much less cool. I love how my dad likes to heckle people. Its very amusing to me. It was very funny to have him heckle some of my friends that he had never really met before until yesterday. I got a good laugh out of that.
Also laughs were had at the following SlipNSlide related incidents.
#1 Katie's first trip down it and quickly off the end into the grass. And every subsequent trip after that also right off into the grass.
#2 Elizabeth Skees stretching the board out a little too far ahead of her and hitting the ground hard. (By a little too far, I mean Superman style above her head. Man I wish I had a video camera with me.)
#3 My brother, Aaron's, first trip down it which was painful to hear. And the fact that he was wearing my dad's soccer socks which he proceeded to put back into my dad's soccer bag and take his other pair out of the bag.
#4 The numerous races down it. (Yes I said races. It was built wide so 3 people could go down at once.) One of them ending with some slight bikini top slippage. I wont say who. I'll let her tell that part if she is so inclined. I wont embarrass her that way. :) And no one saw anything. Just her reaction and slight scream after she had tucked things back in place and chose to put a t-shirt on for the rest.
#5 Caitlin High on her second trip somehow popped one of the boogie boards. Not sure how. Maybe one of her rings punctured it.
Anyway, we had a pretty good time out there. Wasn't as long as we had hoped it would be but that is okay. I'll try to find a good time to get people back down there again. As much as my dad likes his privacy and my parents like their availability to get away out in their country estate, they seem to like when their kids bring people over. It's strange. I don't get to see my parents a ton anymore, so I think that was a part of it. But they like when I take my friends too.
The rest of the day was good too. Shannon's birthday party was that evening. Thanks to the Bradley's for opening their very nice home. It was a good time.
Overall good day. Progress made. (If that statement is confusing, re-read the blog on The Dreaded Friend Zone, and try to decipher a very confusing paragraph about new people and keeping space but being around. It wont do much of anything but make you a little more confused unless you are already privy.)
That is all.
Anyway, I think everyone had a decent time. My dad has done an amazing job of getting the back yard in pretty nice shape. Its looking pretty boss back there. (Yeah I said boss. Who wants to help me bring that one back?)
So, last week, I think Monday, Eckert and I were at Wal-Mart. She decides she wants a SlipNSlide for the festivities. I am very aware I was not going to be on it. This thing was like 18 feet long with blow up boogie boards. Now 18 feet sounds pretty long right? Well maybe so when you are only 3 feet tall and 7 years old. But at age ranges of 20 to 31 and heights of 5' 3" to 6' 2" things begin to look smaller and much less cool. I love how my dad likes to heckle people. Its very amusing to me. It was very funny to have him heckle some of my friends that he had never really met before until yesterday. I got a good laugh out of that.
Also laughs were had at the following SlipNSlide related incidents.
#1 Katie's first trip down it and quickly off the end into the grass. And every subsequent trip after that also right off into the grass.
#2 Elizabeth Skees stretching the board out a little too far ahead of her and hitting the ground hard. (By a little too far, I mean Superman style above her head. Man I wish I had a video camera with me.)
#3 My brother, Aaron's, first trip down it which was painful to hear. And the fact that he was wearing my dad's soccer socks which he proceeded to put back into my dad's soccer bag and take his other pair out of the bag.
#4 The numerous races down it. (Yes I said races. It was built wide so 3 people could go down at once.) One of them ending with some slight bikini top slippage. I wont say who. I'll let her tell that part if she is so inclined. I wont embarrass her that way. :) And no one saw anything. Just her reaction and slight scream after she had tucked things back in place and chose to put a t-shirt on for the rest.
#5 Caitlin High on her second trip somehow popped one of the boogie boards. Not sure how. Maybe one of her rings punctured it.
Anyway, we had a pretty good time out there. Wasn't as long as we had hoped it would be but that is okay. I'll try to find a good time to get people back down there again. As much as my dad likes his privacy and my parents like their availability to get away out in their country estate, they seem to like when their kids bring people over. It's strange. I don't get to see my parents a ton anymore, so I think that was a part of it. But they like when I take my friends too.
The rest of the day was good too. Shannon's birthday party was that evening. Thanks to the Bradley's for opening their very nice home. It was a good time.
Overall good day. Progress made. (If that statement is confusing, re-read the blog on The Dreaded Friend Zone, and try to decipher a very confusing paragraph about new people and keeping space but being around. It wont do much of anything but make you a little more confused unless you are already privy.)
That is all.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Time For Something Goofy
So, I feel I need to write something weird to offset the last serious one. (Which by the way, should it be confusing, I am feeling really steady in my times with Jesus and loving what I get to do. I actually love my life right now. Just looking forward to some of the next things ahead of me and a bit anxious.)
Anyway, I thought I would update on something some of you may or may not know about. Everyone knows I am a huge dork. That I am sure of. Many of you know about the shirt project I decided to work on.
Yes, sewing my own shirt. Like I said I am a dork and I am okay with it.
Well I actually started it last week. Its coming along slowly as I get time. I finally have all the pieces cut out and am on to pinning the seams and getting ready for the actual sewing machine. I hope to get it done pretty soon. I'm at the very nerve racking phase. We shall see what happens.
Anyway, I thought I would update on something some of you may or may not know about. Everyone knows I am a huge dork. That I am sure of. Many of you know about the shirt project I decided to work on.
Yes, sewing my own shirt. Like I said I am a dork and I am okay with it.
Well I actually started it last week. Its coming along slowly as I get time. I finally have all the pieces cut out and am on to pinning the seams and getting ready for the actual sewing machine. I hope to get it done pretty soon. I'm at the very nerve racking phase. We shall see what happens.
Another About Life
So, I have been a little... I guess off is the word, over the last few days. Not in a terrible way but just a bit not myself. Could be numerous reasons. I am waiting on answers for several things which has me a bit anxious I believe. Some I can share, some I will choose not to but those super closest to me will know the unshared ones.
#1. I am about to turn 28. Less than 3 weeks away. Not sure exactly how I feel about being another year older. This is definitely not how I saw my life. I love many of the places Jesus has me right now. I love the growth I am experiencing spiritually and all the stuff I get to do at church. I am a little unsettled with my job and some of that stuff, but that has been continuous for a while. 3 years ago, my outlook was so different. I was married, looking to start a family, looking to start my own photography studio, much more depressed, and kind of miserable with life. Now I'm divorced (which in some ways is a positive cause I get to be a kid for the first time), I am stuck in a dead end job, and photography has lost a lot of its luster for me. But lots is on the horizon. New job? Hopefully soon. Some financial freedom? Also hopeful. New relationship? I always brush this one under the rug due to my own self loathing ;). But that is hopefully close at hand as well. This is not where I thought I would be at 28. But its not too shabby. I could still be where I was at 25. That would suck.
#2. Let's expound on the job. It is not in a great place at the moment. I have been wanting to leave for a long time and just have felt stuck. Still feel there, but I am praying through and looking at what it looks like for me to be out of here soon. I may have been reading into the conversation, but it sounded like my boss was trying to prepare me for less happening with my position. It has been slow recently. Very slow. I haven't done much this week. I don't think they would ever let me go on their own choice, but I don't know what will happen. I am trying to decide what I want to do with my life. I don't want to step into another job just for the sake of having one and be miserable there too after a month. Do I go back to school and start teaching? I don't think so. The want to keep my lip ring and plugs is greater than the want to be a school teacher. Who knows what I will do.
#3. My actual birthday. (Disclaimer: This is not a plea for something to be done for me.) I have been asked a few times if I have any big plans. Here's my answer. I don't want to throw my own party this year. I have always thrown my own birthday parties. I'm over it. Right now I plan on doing nothing. I will go to Red Lobster like I do every year, but I have no plans to do anything. I am pretty tired of being the party planner for everything and stuff like that. So this year will most likely be pretty chill. I am gonna try and save up some of my money to get myself 1 of 3 things. (or at least put towards 1 of 3 things.) a. A new Mac Laptop cause mine is in bad bad shape. b. Give money to Garrett for the amp he is building me and to Alex for the guitar he is building me. c. Money towards my motorcycle which I really want. We will see what happens. I will hit up the friends I want to go to Red Lobster with me once I get to that point. I like keeping that a small intimate group. It has kind of sad significance to me this year but I still want to do it.
In all, its just kind of a waiting game in so many ways. I don't tend to do well with sitting on my heals. I am a be in motion type of person for the most part. I have gotten tons better with it and laying back and letting things happen instead of forcing them to happen. And right now, I only have one thing that I want to or know what I want to do to move forward on. (No you don't get to know in this venue. You can ask me later if you want and I reserve the right to not answer.) I am at a substantial standstill even in my own mind of what I want to do with my life and what Jesus has in store for me. You can be praying that either I am settled this week to wait on it more, or that I start hearing some answers. Maybe I am not listening close enough.
#1. I am about to turn 28. Less than 3 weeks away. Not sure exactly how I feel about being another year older. This is definitely not how I saw my life. I love many of the places Jesus has me right now. I love the growth I am experiencing spiritually and all the stuff I get to do at church. I am a little unsettled with my job and some of that stuff, but that has been continuous for a while. 3 years ago, my outlook was so different. I was married, looking to start a family, looking to start my own photography studio, much more depressed, and kind of miserable with life. Now I'm divorced (which in some ways is a positive cause I get to be a kid for the first time), I am stuck in a dead end job, and photography has lost a lot of its luster for me. But lots is on the horizon. New job? Hopefully soon. Some financial freedom? Also hopeful. New relationship? I always brush this one under the rug due to my own self loathing ;). But that is hopefully close at hand as well. This is not where I thought I would be at 28. But its not too shabby. I could still be where I was at 25. That would suck.
#2. Let's expound on the job. It is not in a great place at the moment. I have been wanting to leave for a long time and just have felt stuck. Still feel there, but I am praying through and looking at what it looks like for me to be out of here soon. I may have been reading into the conversation, but it sounded like my boss was trying to prepare me for less happening with my position. It has been slow recently. Very slow. I haven't done much this week. I don't think they would ever let me go on their own choice, but I don't know what will happen. I am trying to decide what I want to do with my life. I don't want to step into another job just for the sake of having one and be miserable there too after a month. Do I go back to school and start teaching? I don't think so. The want to keep my lip ring and plugs is greater than the want to be a school teacher. Who knows what I will do.
#3. My actual birthday. (Disclaimer: This is not a plea for something to be done for me.) I have been asked a few times if I have any big plans. Here's my answer. I don't want to throw my own party this year. I have always thrown my own birthday parties. I'm over it. Right now I plan on doing nothing. I will go to Red Lobster like I do every year, but I have no plans to do anything. I am pretty tired of being the party planner for everything and stuff like that. So this year will most likely be pretty chill. I am gonna try and save up some of my money to get myself 1 of 3 things. (or at least put towards 1 of 3 things.) a. A new Mac Laptop cause mine is in bad bad shape. b. Give money to Garrett for the amp he is building me and to Alex for the guitar he is building me. c. Money towards my motorcycle which I really want. We will see what happens. I will hit up the friends I want to go to Red Lobster with me once I get to that point. I like keeping that a small intimate group. It has kind of sad significance to me this year but I still want to do it.
In all, its just kind of a waiting game in so many ways. I don't tend to do well with sitting on my heals. I am a be in motion type of person for the most part. I have gotten tons better with it and laying back and letting things happen instead of forcing them to happen. And right now, I only have one thing that I want to or know what I want to do to move forward on. (No you don't get to know in this venue. You can ask me later if you want and I reserve the right to not answer.) I am at a substantial standstill even in my own mind of what I want to do with my life and what Jesus has in store for me. You can be praying that either I am settled this week to wait on it more, or that I start hearing some answers. Maybe I am not listening close enough.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Vacation
So I thought I would reflect on my recent vacation. Seems like a good thing to do as I learn to bank what Jesus is doing in my life. Yeah this is a little serious but it is more for me than the readers anyway.
Vacation was amazing. It was just what I was needing. I love serving and doing all that is required of me, and I was starting to run low. Starting to be tired beyond just physically not getting enough sleep. That was all switched around this last week. I come back both refreshed and refueled. Ready to go.
Some highlights.
1. I got to leave on a really high note. The 10 year anniversary services were great and fun to be a part of. But beyond that, Jesus sent me out with a picture I hadn't had or connected before. The Everything Drama hit me in a new way that Saturday night and had me in tears over it for the first time. I finally put the connection together of watching Wheezy as Jesus holding back the demons as Amber got to rest and worship. Its the first time I connected it to the day I gave my life to Christ and what Jesus very clearly did for me. It was such a visceral part of my story. That snap in my mind when all the voices shut off in my own mind that were trying to tell me I had already done this and was just showing off. This connect left me weeping at the front of the room as I watched it. I got to put that one in my bank quickly and got to leave for vacation on that kind of note.
2. Getting to go on vacation with my boys was great. The 4 of us are about to all be roommates and it was a bit of a good gauge of what it will be like. And Excellent is on its way. I am even more so looking forward to it now. We got a lot of time to have real conversations, stupid conversations, dares, video games, great meals, and just good times with guys being the idiots we are. Couldn't have been better.
3. I have a new found love for Wheezy. I mean I loved DeWayne anyway, but it grew over this trip. He and I got to connect more than we ever had. We got to go down to the beach a few times just the 2 of us and just talk and have a good time. We had talked before but this was different. I don't know if I always looked at him as just my leader before. I don't think I did, but this felt very much like 2 friends really just getting to talk on all kinds of levels. I think it was somewhat indicative to me of my own growth. Starting to recognize that I am not a subordinate but finding equal ground and footing with people around me. Not in a cocky way but it feels in a very pure way of finally letting Jesus really be loud in my ear that I am not worthless or less than. And just getting to be real and friends and have good friend conversation with the guys out there was on a different level for me this week.
4. Lots of inside jokes return from the trip. Some of them a little dirty. Others hilarious. I wont get into them but I get a good laugh just thinking about some of them to myself.
5. I made the easiest $20 of my life thanks to Britt. No one has ever attempted to challenge the limits of what I am willing to do. Standing up and screaming "KAHN!!!" when the credits started rolling in the theatre during the new Star Trek movie was easy. I probably would have done it just on a dare. But $20 was a pretty sweet prize.
6. Movies we saw. First, I would like to say a resounding "I TOLD YOU SO" to Britt. There was no way Fast and Furious was gonna be good. And man it was not. Star Trek on the other hand was amazing. I loved the changes to the story line. I loved the characters. Abrams did a really good job and I am excited to see the next installments. And for those who don't already know, Yes, I am a closet Treky. You can blame my mom.
7. We got a lot of strange looks when we were out there. The "season" hadn't begun yet and I think all the purple hairs were a little upset we were in their space. (By purple hairs, I mean really old people. Think Tammy Faye on TBN and how her hair is so white it has started turning another color.) We still had a good time nonetheless. Didn't let it get to us. There were some really dumb situations from it and obvious people looking down on us, but no skin off our backs.
8. Liz Harrington has a nice car. The drives out and back were quite comfortable. I know they were long, but at least for me they didn't seem terrible.
There might be other things to point out, but I won't. I'll just say I return ready. Feeling good. Feeling re energized. Work sucks as always and when you have had a really good vacation, days at work feel like they take forever. But even that is okay. Jesus really wants to bless me right now and I feel in a much better place to receive and be ready for what He ask of me next. Great week over all. And I even still have 4 or 5 days of vacation time available at work. :)
Vacation was amazing. It was just what I was needing. I love serving and doing all that is required of me, and I was starting to run low. Starting to be tired beyond just physically not getting enough sleep. That was all switched around this last week. I come back both refreshed and refueled. Ready to go.
Some highlights.
1. I got to leave on a really high note. The 10 year anniversary services were great and fun to be a part of. But beyond that, Jesus sent me out with a picture I hadn't had or connected before. The Everything Drama hit me in a new way that Saturday night and had me in tears over it for the first time. I finally put the connection together of watching Wheezy as Jesus holding back the demons as Amber got to rest and worship. Its the first time I connected it to the day I gave my life to Christ and what Jesus very clearly did for me. It was such a visceral part of my story. That snap in my mind when all the voices shut off in my own mind that were trying to tell me I had already done this and was just showing off. This connect left me weeping at the front of the room as I watched it. I got to put that one in my bank quickly and got to leave for vacation on that kind of note.
2. Getting to go on vacation with my boys was great. The 4 of us are about to all be roommates and it was a bit of a good gauge of what it will be like. And Excellent is on its way. I am even more so looking forward to it now. We got a lot of time to have real conversations, stupid conversations, dares, video games, great meals, and just good times with guys being the idiots we are. Couldn't have been better.
3. I have a new found love for Wheezy. I mean I loved DeWayne anyway, but it grew over this trip. He and I got to connect more than we ever had. We got to go down to the beach a few times just the 2 of us and just talk and have a good time. We had talked before but this was different. I don't know if I always looked at him as just my leader before. I don't think I did, but this felt very much like 2 friends really just getting to talk on all kinds of levels. I think it was somewhat indicative to me of my own growth. Starting to recognize that I am not a subordinate but finding equal ground and footing with people around me. Not in a cocky way but it feels in a very pure way of finally letting Jesus really be loud in my ear that I am not worthless or less than. And just getting to be real and friends and have good friend conversation with the guys out there was on a different level for me this week.
4. Lots of inside jokes return from the trip. Some of them a little dirty. Others hilarious. I wont get into them but I get a good laugh just thinking about some of them to myself.
5. I made the easiest $20 of my life thanks to Britt. No one has ever attempted to challenge the limits of what I am willing to do. Standing up and screaming "KAHN!!!" when the credits started rolling in the theatre during the new Star Trek movie was easy. I probably would have done it just on a dare. But $20 was a pretty sweet prize.
6. Movies we saw. First, I would like to say a resounding "I TOLD YOU SO" to Britt. There was no way Fast and Furious was gonna be good. And man it was not. Star Trek on the other hand was amazing. I loved the changes to the story line. I loved the characters. Abrams did a really good job and I am excited to see the next installments. And for those who don't already know, Yes, I am a closet Treky. You can blame my mom.
7. We got a lot of strange looks when we were out there. The "season" hadn't begun yet and I think all the purple hairs were a little upset we were in their space. (By purple hairs, I mean really old people. Think Tammy Faye on TBN and how her hair is so white it has started turning another color.) We still had a good time nonetheless. Didn't let it get to us. There were some really dumb situations from it and obvious people looking down on us, but no skin off our backs.
8. Liz Harrington has a nice car. The drives out and back were quite comfortable. I know they were long, but at least for me they didn't seem terrible.
There might be other things to point out, but I won't. I'll just say I return ready. Feeling good. Feeling re energized. Work sucks as always and when you have had a really good vacation, days at work feel like they take forever. But even that is okay. Jesus really wants to bless me right now and I feel in a much better place to receive and be ready for what He ask of me next. Great week over all. And I even still have 4 or 5 days of vacation time available at work. :)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Dreaded Friend Zone
There is a phenomenon that all men and women at some point in time fall into whether by choice or not. Mainly not. It may be one of the more disconcerting occurrences. Once you are in the chances of getting out are few and far between.
That place is the dreaded "Friend Zone". It's like quicksand. Easy to miss and fall into. Nearly impossible to escape. Once you've entered in, the path to return to the outside world is quite narrow and paved with peril and emotional hurdles. The walls lined with what-ifs and barbed wire.
Granted I am making this worse than it really easy, but for the sake of interest, I'm gonna go for the extreme. Makes for a more interesting read right? Right.
If ever there was a king of the Friend Zone, his name be Jon Headley. Lord and master of all things in this realm. My domain is one of singleness, anonymity and comments most guys are not meant to hear. My subjects live a life of passionless hugs and sleepless nights wondering how they have gotten here with every girl in their life. What makes me the king? The crown reads "Gay friend, who isn’t really gay." "We will say things around you that would normally only be said in the presence of our girlfriends, but you are close enough so its okay."
Granted, I appreciate the fact that I am trusted. By no means am I upset that my friends know that they can come to me with stuff. I love you all and this isn’t at all about me dating you.
Friend Zone creates ambiguity and insecurity of sorts. If all the other girls in your life have put you there, the chances of the next person you are interested in putting you there grows higher and more looming in your own mind. The darkness of the friend zone begins to sweep around before you even have a chance. I know I do it to myself, but I don't know how I accomplish it.
I would call it the curse of being a nice guy. Even when I try to act like the aloof asshole, still I'm spotted for what I really am, the softhearted teddy bear. You know how long I've been called a teddy bear? Longer than even I can remember.
Am I a mama's boy? I guess in mindset. Love my mom. And disrespecting her or any woman is out of the question. But at the same time, I still am a man who had my dad around and knows how to do that too. I am even told I have this level of charm and smoothness that just turns on. I'm a guy my girlfriends call for technical advice and to help move large objects and all other things "manly." So my confusion remains. So what if I am good with color and can tell you if a particular shirt matches your skin tone. Most black men can do that. And don’t pull the sewing card either. My dad sews, as do many other manly men.
So what is it? I have a feeling it's a question I am not allowed to have the answer to. So I find myself interested in someone and gun-shy at the prospect of another friend. I like friends, nothing wrong with that. But to risk the ask and once again be told that we can be friends doesn’t sound much like an appealing option.
I mentioned that leaving the friend zone is treacherous. Some people make it out alive. In fact, I think it makes sense. If you were looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, wouldn't you want it to be someone that you trust like that and it’s not just a physical thing? True that foundation can grow in the dating process. But why not stand on the foundation to begin with. So there has to be a way out. I have seen it happen. But once you are there, the ambiguity makes it difficult to know if escape is possible. Sometimes it is and you will never know.
So you're probably wondering if there are people right now that have put me on the thrown of Friend Zone, who, if the choice were mine, I would not sit on? Sure. But is it worth the effort to try and decipher if I can find my way out? Probably not. I can’t think that hard right now. And girls reading this don’t start freaking out that it might be you that I want to leave the dark chasm with. That’s stupid. (Man I am good at talking in riddles.)
Girls, if you have been friend zoned by a guy that you are interested in beyond that, it can be either really difficult or really easy to get out. Sometimes, that zone is it. Sorry. Many guys, once a mind is made up, that’s that. Don't harp on the issue. If he says no in week 1, week 3 is probably gonna garner the same response. Leave it alone. You have put yourself out there. If he changes his mind now, it is now his responsibility to make the next move. Not yours to go "how about now... how about now..."
Other times, its not hard at all. Some guys will give it a shot. But know this. Once the zone is left after you have lived there for a while in a guys mind, it is do or die. Either you hit stride and it’s amazing, or it can often lead to a complete melt down where the friend zone is not even an option anymore. Not always, but there is a good chance and it’s for you to decide if he is worth the risk. If your friendship was already rock solid, the possibility for friendship even after a breakup is higher. It’s for you both to decide to not act crazy.
Guys, I don’t know how you go about escaping this zone. Like I said, I am master of the zone. I am not an escape artist. I guess it just requires us manning up and taking a stab at it. I suppose if I am gonna tell the girls that it is okay to take a stab; I should say the same thing to the guys. Here is something I have learned though. Don't spend your time trying to gauge their feelings first. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Scratch that. It will get you a one-way ticket to crazy town. Guys, we are not meant to ever understand the maze that is a woman's mind. If you want to do it, you are just gonna have to do it. Something that most women are is gracious. It is not gonna ruin the friendship if you take a stab at it a lot of times. Be honest and not creepy. If you are creepy and not acting like the person they have grown to love as a friend to begin with, you will just freak them out. Be cool. Say your piece and leave it. If it is no, fine. Let it be. Once again, no "how about now... how about now..." Crazy town.
But girls, I say to you the same thing I said to the guys just now. Once it is on the table, don't expect us to come back to it over and over. If the offer intrigues you later down the road, say so. Don't look for us to come back to it. Time for you to be straight with us. We were straight with you. Girls... If you have friend zoned someone and that feeling has changed, we wont know. Guys tend to work with the facts. The facts are that you have already said, let’s be friends. So regardless of whether that is what he wanted or not, that’s what he will go with unless prodded. And I don’t mean slight hints. Those don’t work. Not a gentle lead line but a cattle prod.
I could probably keep talking in circles. You are probably really confused after reading this. Ah, the joy of the rant. That's what this blog is for. :) So there it is.
So in conclusion... Friend Zone has its place. That's all some people need to be. Not every single one though. I guess I now get the joy of manning up. Do I risk adding another "friend" in hopes of something else? We will see.
That place is the dreaded "Friend Zone". It's like quicksand. Easy to miss and fall into. Nearly impossible to escape. Once you've entered in, the path to return to the outside world is quite narrow and paved with peril and emotional hurdles. The walls lined with what-ifs and barbed wire.
Granted I am making this worse than it really easy, but for the sake of interest, I'm gonna go for the extreme. Makes for a more interesting read right? Right.
If ever there was a king of the Friend Zone, his name be Jon Headley. Lord and master of all things in this realm. My domain is one of singleness, anonymity and comments most guys are not meant to hear. My subjects live a life of passionless hugs and sleepless nights wondering how they have gotten here with every girl in their life. What makes me the king? The crown reads "Gay friend, who isn’t really gay." "We will say things around you that would normally only be said in the presence of our girlfriends, but you are close enough so its okay."
Granted, I appreciate the fact that I am trusted. By no means am I upset that my friends know that they can come to me with stuff. I love you all and this isn’t at all about me dating you.
Friend Zone creates ambiguity and insecurity of sorts. If all the other girls in your life have put you there, the chances of the next person you are interested in putting you there grows higher and more looming in your own mind. The darkness of the friend zone begins to sweep around before you even have a chance. I know I do it to myself, but I don't know how I accomplish it.
I would call it the curse of being a nice guy. Even when I try to act like the aloof asshole, still I'm spotted for what I really am, the softhearted teddy bear. You know how long I've been called a teddy bear? Longer than even I can remember.
Am I a mama's boy? I guess in mindset. Love my mom. And disrespecting her or any woman is out of the question. But at the same time, I still am a man who had my dad around and knows how to do that too. I am even told I have this level of charm and smoothness that just turns on. I'm a guy my girlfriends call for technical advice and to help move large objects and all other things "manly." So my confusion remains. So what if I am good with color and can tell you if a particular shirt matches your skin tone. Most black men can do that. And don’t pull the sewing card either. My dad sews, as do many other manly men.
So what is it? I have a feeling it's a question I am not allowed to have the answer to. So I find myself interested in someone and gun-shy at the prospect of another friend. I like friends, nothing wrong with that. But to risk the ask and once again be told that we can be friends doesn’t sound much like an appealing option.
I mentioned that leaving the friend zone is treacherous. Some people make it out alive. In fact, I think it makes sense. If you were looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, wouldn't you want it to be someone that you trust like that and it’s not just a physical thing? True that foundation can grow in the dating process. But why not stand on the foundation to begin with. So there has to be a way out. I have seen it happen. But once you are there, the ambiguity makes it difficult to know if escape is possible. Sometimes it is and you will never know.
So you're probably wondering if there are people right now that have put me on the thrown of Friend Zone, who, if the choice were mine, I would not sit on? Sure. But is it worth the effort to try and decipher if I can find my way out? Probably not. I can’t think that hard right now. And girls reading this don’t start freaking out that it might be you that I want to leave the dark chasm with. That’s stupid. (Man I am good at talking in riddles.)
Girls, if you have been friend zoned by a guy that you are interested in beyond that, it can be either really difficult or really easy to get out. Sometimes, that zone is it. Sorry. Many guys, once a mind is made up, that’s that. Don't harp on the issue. If he says no in week 1, week 3 is probably gonna garner the same response. Leave it alone. You have put yourself out there. If he changes his mind now, it is now his responsibility to make the next move. Not yours to go "how about now... how about now..."
Other times, its not hard at all. Some guys will give it a shot. But know this. Once the zone is left after you have lived there for a while in a guys mind, it is do or die. Either you hit stride and it’s amazing, or it can often lead to a complete melt down where the friend zone is not even an option anymore. Not always, but there is a good chance and it’s for you to decide if he is worth the risk. If your friendship was already rock solid, the possibility for friendship even after a breakup is higher. It’s for you both to decide to not act crazy.
Guys, I don’t know how you go about escaping this zone. Like I said, I am master of the zone. I am not an escape artist. I guess it just requires us manning up and taking a stab at it. I suppose if I am gonna tell the girls that it is okay to take a stab; I should say the same thing to the guys. Here is something I have learned though. Don't spend your time trying to gauge their feelings first. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Scratch that. It will get you a one-way ticket to crazy town. Guys, we are not meant to ever understand the maze that is a woman's mind. If you want to do it, you are just gonna have to do it. Something that most women are is gracious. It is not gonna ruin the friendship if you take a stab at it a lot of times. Be honest and not creepy. If you are creepy and not acting like the person they have grown to love as a friend to begin with, you will just freak them out. Be cool. Say your piece and leave it. If it is no, fine. Let it be. Once again, no "how about now... how about now..." Crazy town.
But girls, I say to you the same thing I said to the guys just now. Once it is on the table, don't expect us to come back to it over and over. If the offer intrigues you later down the road, say so. Don't look for us to come back to it. Time for you to be straight with us. We were straight with you. Girls... If you have friend zoned someone and that feeling has changed, we wont know. Guys tend to work with the facts. The facts are that you have already said, let’s be friends. So regardless of whether that is what he wanted or not, that’s what he will go with unless prodded. And I don’t mean slight hints. Those don’t work. Not a gentle lead line but a cattle prod.
I could probably keep talking in circles. You are probably really confused after reading this. Ah, the joy of the rant. That's what this blog is for. :) So there it is.
So in conclusion... Friend Zone has its place. That's all some people need to be. Not every single one though. I guess I now get the joy of manning up. Do I risk adding another "friend" in hopes of something else? We will see.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Hello "Friend"
To all of my friends who do the following, this is not calling you out and telling you to stop. Just my personal opinion.
There is weird phenomena that I have over the last year seen and heard quite a bit. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me even though I have had it explained a few times now. All people do it, myself included periodically, but in different ways.
What is this I speak of? Calling everyone friend or bud or something along those lines. You have no idea how many times I will enter or leave a conversation and hear "Hi, friend." or "See ya later friend." I think it is just me, but it is unsettling to me. I don't know whether it feels impersonal or leading or what, but it doesn't sit well.
Now it turns out lots of people do this is some way. We skip out on using people's actual name in place of some other form of nomenclature. For instance, guys call each other Dude all the time. The word dude is some how endearing between guys most of the time. It's just our word. As soon as a guy switches over to calling another guy something like "pal", you know it is because they have no idea what their name is.
I myself am often guilty of this. Turns out that lots of people see me and know who I am and often will act like they are in my close circle of friends upon a second meeting. This is odd to me, especially since I suck with names. There are so many people at our church that I have to resort to "Hey there" more often than not. My apologies.
This whole word usage becomes even more complicated when between people of opposite sexes. Granted, I know I call a lot of girls "hon". I guess you could say it is my thing. And it turns out that I have friends that are girls, tell other girls that that is an indicator with me when we are close enough of friends. I will transition from your real name to hon if there is a level of comfort as friends between us. I don't think I do it consciously, just happens. If it bothers you, you can feel free to tell me.
But when my close female friends call me "friend" it clicks very abruptly in my head. There is something strange about it to me. I have actually asked a couple girls I know why they do it, and supposedly it is their term of endearment. It is supposed to let me know that we are close friends. Even though I have been informed of this, it still does the exact opposite in my head. It puts me in front of a wall that I guess doesn't exit from her side.
Now I have learned to walk around the wall as I am supposed to, but it definitely took getting used to.
Girls let me give you a heads up as well. And this is to no one specific, or anything like that. And this is also not to say that my intent is to date every girl I see. That is definitely not the case. But word to the wise ladies. If it does turn out that you like the guy past being a friend and you are hoping he starts getting the picture, calling him friend unravels all work you may have done. It may be endearing to you but it is a road block to him. We miss signals all the time from interested girls. The ones you think are blatant are not. But most guys, while oblivious to "make a move" signals, will read into "back off" signals, even if they don't exist. So be careful.
Guys same goes for you. If you call a girl dude, you have veritably shut her down. I don't know that for sure but it sounds like a good rule to go by. It all sounds to me, and granted I think too much, like when I hear "Hey, friend" I am really hearing "You know all we will ever be is friends, and maybe not even that good of friends cause I'm not sure what your name is." And in the same vein I would think as we say "Hey, dude" to a girl they might hear "hey your like one of the guys. just a bud that its very possible I wont care if I burp or fart in your presence." But by no means do I protest to believe I know what is going on in a woman's head. That is a maze more treacherous than that movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie.
But anyway, I digress. I am not telling people to stop what they are doing. I don't expect that. Just felt like a fun, silly little thing to write about today.
There is weird phenomena that I have over the last year seen and heard quite a bit. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me even though I have had it explained a few times now. All people do it, myself included periodically, but in different ways.
What is this I speak of? Calling everyone friend or bud or something along those lines. You have no idea how many times I will enter or leave a conversation and hear "Hi, friend." or "See ya later friend." I think it is just me, but it is unsettling to me. I don't know whether it feels impersonal or leading or what, but it doesn't sit well.
Now it turns out lots of people do this is some way. We skip out on using people's actual name in place of some other form of nomenclature. For instance, guys call each other Dude all the time. The word dude is some how endearing between guys most of the time. It's just our word. As soon as a guy switches over to calling another guy something like "pal", you know it is because they have no idea what their name is.
I myself am often guilty of this. Turns out that lots of people see me and know who I am and often will act like they are in my close circle of friends upon a second meeting. This is odd to me, especially since I suck with names. There are so many people at our church that I have to resort to "Hey there" more often than not. My apologies.
This whole word usage becomes even more complicated when between people of opposite sexes. Granted, I know I call a lot of girls "hon". I guess you could say it is my thing. And it turns out that I have friends that are girls, tell other girls that that is an indicator with me when we are close enough of friends. I will transition from your real name to hon if there is a level of comfort as friends between us. I don't think I do it consciously, just happens. If it bothers you, you can feel free to tell me.
But when my close female friends call me "friend" it clicks very abruptly in my head. There is something strange about it to me. I have actually asked a couple girls I know why they do it, and supposedly it is their term of endearment. It is supposed to let me know that we are close friends. Even though I have been informed of this, it still does the exact opposite in my head. It puts me in front of a wall that I guess doesn't exit from her side.
Now I have learned to walk around the wall as I am supposed to, but it definitely took getting used to.
Girls let me give you a heads up as well. And this is to no one specific, or anything like that. And this is also not to say that my intent is to date every girl I see. That is definitely not the case. But word to the wise ladies. If it does turn out that you like the guy past being a friend and you are hoping he starts getting the picture, calling him friend unravels all work you may have done. It may be endearing to you but it is a road block to him. We miss signals all the time from interested girls. The ones you think are blatant are not. But most guys, while oblivious to "make a move" signals, will read into "back off" signals, even if they don't exist. So be careful.
Guys same goes for you. If you call a girl dude, you have veritably shut her down. I don't know that for sure but it sounds like a good rule to go by. It all sounds to me, and granted I think too much, like when I hear "Hey, friend" I am really hearing "You know all we will ever be is friends, and maybe not even that good of friends cause I'm not sure what your name is." And in the same vein I would think as we say "Hey, dude" to a girl they might hear "hey your like one of the guys. just a bud that its very possible I wont care if I burp or fart in your presence." But by no means do I protest to believe I know what is going on in a woman's head. That is a maze more treacherous than that movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie.
But anyway, I digress. I am not telling people to stop what they are doing. I don't expect that. Just felt like a fun, silly little thing to write about today.
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