Good Gifts

So it has been a pretty great few weeks. With the hard times for sure but who can even remember what they were when the good stuff is so prevalent. Since Accelerate TwentyTen started, Jesus has been just showing me so much of who I am. So much of who He has made me to be. So much of what He has destroyed that I would have guiltily claimed as being a part of me. And constantly more of who He is and how faithful, trustworthy and loving He is. It's been a pretty amazing time. Constantly learning what it really means to lead and to be following and to be staying close to Jesus.

And in the middle of it He gave me another little gift. There is this great, beautiful, fun girl that He said I get to be in a relationship with. It feels dumb to say the word cause it feels so middle school, but I actually have a girlfriend! How crazy is that? It's a little mind boggling on a lot of levels. Who thought I would ever be back here? And with someone as genuinely sweet as she is. I mean let's face it, I am a bit of an ass. :) And for some reason this girl digs me it seems. Go figure. And I definitely dig her. She's so genuine, and sweet and funny, really loves Jesus, easy on the eyes ;) and it doesn't hurt that she seems to think I am funny. Also go figure.

I have loved getting to spend time with her and get to know her. Haven't felt this much freedom to be me like this for some time. Never once felt like putting on a show with her. She got to learn lots of dumb stuff about me really quickly and she seems to still be interested. And she just has this beautifully sweet, soft heart.

I could go on and on about how excited I am about this. I sit here at the start of something new. Eyes focused on Jesus all the way and where He wants me to go. It's so easy for relationships to pull people off. Throw a wrench into the works. And we both are committed to staying close to Jesus. Watching and following Him and Him alone. And I get to see what He has for the 2 of us together in this. Pretty cool. Very new. Very exciting.

So Shalerie Priddle, this blog was a lot about you. There are pitfalls to dating a regular blog writer. Being a topic is one of them. :) So when do we change our Facebook statuses? Cause that is obviously of utmost importance. HA!

Accelerate 09

So my first year of Accelerate is under my belt. I wouldn’t call it behind me cause it will be something that goes with me the rest of my life. But the actual year long “class” is done. I can’t believe the last year. I’m not the same and man was it not easy.

For those who don’t know and are reading this, Accelerate is a year long Leadership Training class that my Pastor Pete Hise and Quest Community Church started in ’05. It is intense and breaks down walls and pushes us to limits and closer to Jesus and I was just an Apprentice. I wasn’t even in Accelerate proper and the growth that happened was crazy.

Now here is the kicker. I sucked it up this year. The majority of the year was spent picking me in so many ways. There was so much fighting. I look back on it now and ask why. It was dumb. It was picking self over Jesus and people. And still I am amazed and what Jesus still let me do and be a part of. What He said I got to do anyway. What He led me out of into the place I am now.

Now the last 5 months or so were way different than the first several. It all changed when I decided to agree with what Jesus said about me. It’s amazing what that can do. For some reason I spent a lot of time disagreeing with His love for me. Disagreeing with who He said that I was. Disagreeing with the favor that He was handing to me. That may be the dumbest thing ever. Why disagree with Him? Especially when He is telling you amazing things.

So here I am at the end of it looking back. Amazing year. Hard year. Didn’t make it easy on my Accelerate leader year. Didn’t complete everything I was called to year. Received lots of grace and growth year. Heart changing year.

Do I get to turn around and do it again? I hope so. Do I get to be in Accelerate proper? I am praying so and I am terrified of the prospect. It won’t at all be easy. It will be really hard for sure. And I believe in whatever Jesus wants to walk me into. I believe He will make me faithful as He is faithful.

So here’s to 09 and the real beginning of 2010.

So This Is The New Year...

Here we are. First blog of TWENTYTEN. I am a way different person than I was this time last year. Life looks different. The future looks different. Even the past looks different through the eyes I have now. It wasn't an easy year. Not by any stretch of the imagination. It was hard, time consuming, humbling, stretching, breaking at times, reforming, massive highs, massive lows and a damn good year on the look back.

I don't know exactly what I intended to write here. It just felt like I needed to. Even if I dont say anything of any distinct importance here, it is leading me to reflect which I needed for me. In my own mind I needed to look back for a minute. Not to reminisce or regret or remorse, but to help me look forward.

What does this year have in store for me. I'm pretty sure it will be a year marked with the same words from that first paragraph. And it will look much different.


finish.............. 1/25/10

So I started writing that post a couple weeks ago. Seemed like a good idea to write brand new into the new year. Then I realized I didnt have anything to actually say. So I put it on hold. Here is the problem now. I still don't have much of anything to say. This year thus far has been relatively gray. Not in mood or like things are bad. But meaning there is nothing spectacular to speak of. There hasn't been anything really to speak of thus far. I am actually pretty bored currently. Waiting for something to give.

Granted, my heart is still growing. I am still learning and Jesus is still doing some substantial work on me. When I say life is relatively blah. I mean circumstantially. Nice thing is that that is not much effecting my heart work. I am still feeling really light and free and on a growth edge. That in and of itself is growth cause my circumstances used to dictate how I was doing all the time.

But as things go, I am in a stand still. As I have been for a while. Life moving on around me in lots of ways. Not sure what it is waiting on with me. Like what is out of place that I am still here circumstantially. I could gripe and moan and go into all the things I wish would hurry up and change. Not gonna bother. That would be counterproductive. But what do I need to do to move forward? Hell what am I moving forward into? What do I even want to move towards? Maybe that's part of the problem. I don't think I know what I want. I definitely am not sure what Jesus wants for me.

So what do I do to get those questions answered? I'll actually take suggestions if you have real ones.

Realizations & Old Friends

So some things for today. I'll start with the realizations that then do the old friends. End on a chipper note as it were.

First realization. You ever think to yourself, "I am too attached to this thing. Could I make it without it?" You tell yourself of course and then go on about your business using that thing endlessly without fail. Then one day this thing is no longer there. You miss it. You mourn it. You think about a new one. But then you get used to not having it. Turns out you can actually function without it. At least for a time. But the day comes when you realize "I really am in serious need of this thing. It has been this long and I had the space that I could go without. But now I am in desperate need on lots of fronts."

Have you had that trail of conversations with yourself. Maybe not. Maybe I should stop talking to myself. Maybe I'm a little weird.

Anyway, I am at that crossroads on the back end. I really need a new laptop. So many things are on pause without it. Its starting to effect things that need attention. I have websites to design. Music to write. Images to work on. Business plans to complete. Design work to do. Its really starting to come to a head. So that is what I need to figure out this Christmas. Can I find the money to get myself a new laptop. A Mac Laptop. I may be able to do one of those small Dells that I can convert to a Mac. I don't know if I can run Photoshop on it though because of the screen resolution requirements. But I really need something so I can get caught up on all these projects at hand. Lots to do. I gladly will accept any help anyone is willing or able to offer.

The second realization is not so much. It's a consistent thought. My job makes me borderline psychotic. There are little jabs daily that are like needles in my spine everyday. It's really far beyond the lifespan that I should have been here. I think I probably need to start getting prayed off everyday after I leave work. It sets my heart up so badly everyday. I try to choose well and struggle through all the time. Try to shut off frustration and pride, comparison. Constantly asking Jesus for the strength. Like not just a day to day basis. Often times hour to hour. Time to start my business. Time to attack this thing head on. The laptop will help me finish my business plan and get things rolling.

On that same thought, I think I am gonna start shooting portraits again. Start going out with people and doing some pieces to build my photography portfolio. I have some thoughts lined up to do recording work and even video and graphic design stuff to start building those portfolios too. Pray for the drive. I can easily choose tiredness and laziness in free time when I need to choose to do the work to make this dream come true.

So old friends. I got to have lunch with my friend Stuart, his wife, and his family. I haven't seen Stu in almost 2 years I believe. He is in the air force and is right now stationed near Seattle. Today was his birthday so I got to go spend lunch at Chick Fil-a with them. Also my friend Chad who I haven't seen in quite some time and Brandon. It was awesome getting to spend a couple hours with them. Catching up on how everyone was doing. Joking around like it hasn't been years since we've seen each other but rather days. It was great.

It was also fun to see my heart change in the middle of it. Got to talk about the Uprising and what Jesus is doing at Quest and how I love getting to be a part of it. Got to experience seeing old friends and their wives and hearing about what they are getting to do without at all feeling comparison and jealousy. One friend just had his first kid on Monday. One owns a nice house with his wife. Stuart has a great lovely wife who wanted to get some of his old friends together to celebrate him and interacted with us like she was a part of our high school days all along. And on top of that Stuart flies all over the world literally in a giant airplane that he has space to play Frisbee in. How awesome is that. And I feel no bit of "what about me?" I feel nothing but joy at getting to see my friends. Thankfulness for the life Jesus is letting me lead. Anticipation and eagerness for the future. I mean flying over the polar ice caps on a trip back from 3 days in Germany is pretty sweet. Getting to do what I do is just as amazing. Love it.

And fact. I miss my friends. Stuart especially. Forgot how much that guy meant to me. How much his friendship mattered for all those years and still does. I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with real class acts like Stuart Fraser. Happy 29th my friend.

Lessons From A First Date

Okay I am gonna write this. Since tonight I have date #2, seems like a decent time. Before I start, let me just say that the voting numbers are very close on my poll. Seems the masses are split on whether I should get my braids back or not. More than just the 11 voters on here have weighed in verbally. Very down the middle on this one. Okay onto the blog at hand.

Lessons From A First Date

Now this is the first time I have been out with someone in this capacity since my split 3 years ago. There have been platonic things, not dates that could have been, awkward here we are type moments. But this is the first intentional, i am interested in you so I will ask you out, date that I have been on. So here we go. In no particular order.

Lesson #1 Having A Plan
Now guys, we are supposed to put these things together. At least the first few. I think the more you get into them the more you can plan together and things like that. But this first one is ours. Let me go ahead and tell residents of Lexington, KY. Winter after 9 o' clock is not easy to work with. After that clock strikes 9 in Lexington, the only things that are open are restaurants and bars and some coffee shops but I was really folding that into the restaurant. Things that would possibly be great options of fun things to do are all of a sudden closed or it is too cold for. But I also am not sure if a big activity is a requirement for a first date. I mean I wanted to get to know her. Obviously no movies guys. No matter how much you like John Cusack as an actor you don't want to get to know his end of the world escaping character. You want to know her. But is just going to dinner okay? Throwing darts or playing pool or something at a bar seems very much like buddy buddy activities. Sure might be fun but how much do you get to know someone from watching them throw a dart. So the lesson here? It's not easy. Be creative or be lucky. Me I think I got a little lucky. We both had early early mornings the next day. So simple was an option. And it's good to not over complicate things. I had fun getting to just talk with her. And that takes me to...

Lesson #2 Interviewing Skills
This sounds like a not great thing. Sounds formal and like it would make for a bad date. But lets be honest. Unless you have been super close friends with this person for a long time, it is probably more likely that there is a ton you don't know about them. And it's all stuff you want to know. Or at least it is stuff you should want to know in the long run. So yeah, there is a lot of question and answer. There is really very little way around it. I know it may seem like a formality, but I am pretty sure I wanted to know about her family. I want to know her likes and dislikes. So quit with trying to make smooth one liners to impress and be you and learn her.

Lesson #3 The Hoopty
Cars... points of pride for a lot of guys. Myself included. Driving a bad car is somehow a shot at our manhood. Same thing happened at my senior prom in high school. I couldn't go to the prom in my 1985 Honda Accord. That would be embarrassing. Now I had the added excuse this time of the next morning I was gonna be carting people and gear to our Frankfort campus for church. So I borrowed my mom's Trailblazer. It used to be my Trailblazer. I miss driving it. But that isn't the point. The point is that I had the added advantage of going on my date in a nice car. Here comes the kicker. Date number 2 tonight will be in my 1992 Toyota Camry. Will it explode? I hope not. Will it rattle kind of weird cause there is something wrong with it? Most assuredly. Is it a wreck inside and I desperately need to clean it out? Most definitely. But there is no real way around it. It is my car and sooner or later if we get to go on more dates, my clunker of a car was gonna be on display. So be it. Suck it up. It's just a car. Someday I will have something better and right now this is what I got so I will suck it up.

Lesson #4 Lulls in the Conversation
You don't have to fill the silence with idol nonsense but you try to avoid awkward silence. Those that are too long. I think we did a pretty good job. Conversation moved on pretty well. Learned a lot. I think there is only one instance when I drew a blank and that takes me to...

Lesson #5 People Have a Way of Making Things Weird
By this I mean people you know or who know you. Now I knew I wasn't gonna see any of my friends or family at Buddy's on a Saturday night. I was unprepared for the awkward waitress. Someone who supposedly knows my family and thereby knows me from afar. By the time she came by the table the 4th time to, as it seems, just chat, I was completely confused, a little scared I was being stalked, and utterly out of words for a little bit. I really don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe, be prepared for anything. But how in the world do you prepare for a weird girl saying she knows your mom and went swimming with her this summer and that my mom is gonna love that she saw me out on my date. Then to talk to my mom the next day and my mom have never heard this girl's name was a bit creepy. But my mom is really bad with names. But this girl made it sound like they were close pals who hung out all the time. My mom does know her but not to the extent this girl eluded to. This left me feeling awkward to say the least which is..

Lesson #6 Awkward Moments are Inevitable
Avoid them as you might and try your best to steer clear of them. They will happen. I don't care how smooth you are. How much game you got. I don't think there is anyway around at least one awkward moment. One in particular is almost completely unavoidable. I am sure there are ways but I don't know them. Shout out right here to Mary Margaret. Not only did she get to witness this awkward moment, she got to dog me about it the next day. And agrees it is unavoidable. What is this unavoidable moment? Walking your date to the door when the date is over. The only way you avoid trying to figure out what this looks like is if you go the jerk route and don't walk her to the door. Chivalry is not dead guys. Do it. But the porch on a first date is all kinds of weird. Here is why. What do you do to end the time? What do the different options mean? I'm pretty sure if she shakes your hand you aren't getting a second date. Well to throw back some dogging at Mary, hand shakes aren't awkward at all right? :) Okay so no hand shakes. How do you hug then? The wrong hug, as discussed in a much earlier blog, can send all kinds of messages between girls and guys. Do you "X-Hug", "Over Under". I have no idea really. Just don't do the "Ass Out Hug." It's weird looking and odd. Just a simple hug will suffice. I guess if you are really ballsy on a first date you will go with the Hitch tactic. Go 90 let her come the other 10. If you don't know what I am talking about, go watch Hitch with Will Smith. It's good. Oh and if you think the way to avoid things being awkward is to discuss how things are going to happen, that is false. It is actually counter intuitive. Makes things more awkward. :) Also, I am not sure on this but here is what I think. Do not enter their house without being invited. No matter how long the pause at the door. Supposedly, I was clear to come in for a little bit but it seems rude to me to come in without being invited. Respectful. So even though it was a bit strange for a minute, I would do the same later.

So anyway. I am sure there are more lessons I learned. More things I will learn. I'm glad I get to go out with her again.

Still in Awe

Man, good stuff keeps coming. Its been a great couple weeks. Just having a really great time trusting Jesus. Loving Him. Letting Him love me. Being exposed to stuff that gets to be rooted out of my flawed character. Getting to move forward in so many ways. Indescribable. But I want to focus down.

1st let me start with some huge news. I got a letter in the mail the other day. If I understood the legal ramifications and wording, I think something that would have cost me almost $20,000 has been dropped. There is lots of stuff still on the table from the financial downfall that divorce creates. One was the house that I owned. It was foreclosed on and there was a second mortgage on it that the foreclosure didnt even begin to touch. Well I hadnt heard word of anything in quite some time. Only to receive this letter saying that at the advice of legal council charges have been dropped. Scary on one level that I didnt even know I was being sued. But Hallelujah, that is a huge chunk of money that was just forgiven. That't huge. That is a huge marker of Jesus' good favor to me recently.

Secondly, and much more fun than that last one, for those who don't know, I got to go on a date last weekend. It was a lot of fun just getting to really talk to her one on one and spend some time with her. I learned a lot about her and a lot about something I dont think I had ever really had a real one of before. First dates. All new to me on many levels. Turns out you can show interest in someone and go on dates and get to know each other without being thrown into the relationship zone. Novel.

Now I am considering writing another blog. The title would be "Things I learned on My First Date". Not about her but in general. Still trying to decide whether I should or not. That might be something I write and save for down the road a little bit. Could be pretty funny. Turns out it's okay to tell a girl that you like that you are a huge dork. Even to explain why goes better than one might expect. :)

Anyway, we will see if I write this thing. I'm enjoying that I get to spend time with this girl. (I say girl cause woman isnt really in my vocabulary. sounds weird in my head and saying chick is disrespectful. :) ) We get to go out again next week.

Massive subject switch. My hair. I miss my braids. I kind of want them back. I know Pete and Sharon are pushing for it. Pete especially. It would take so much effort to do. I want to and not sure I want to put in the time growing it out and finding the right person to do them and all that. But we shall see. I am putting up a poll on the side of this blog. Yes to the braids or No. Vote.

That's all for now.

The Holidays

So this year's holiday season is shaping up to be very different than most of mine have been in my life. Most have been bad. Laden with bad news and broken hearts and just all around not great things.

Thus far, Jesus has seen it fit to bless me and my family a lot already. I don't know what it is. He just has really been showing me a lot of favor recently and things that I refuse to just pass off as coincidence or a good year. He really is blessing my family in some areas that have long been unsteady.

I don't want to go into detail on here. Some of you know all the stuff that has been going on. Some of you know a few of the things that have been going on. Some of you know nothing. You can ask me in person if you are so inclined to do so. Or shoot me a message on facebook or email or something if you are at a long distance and you want to know. But in the greater internet land area, I am keeping it close to the chest. Let His work really go to the deep places in me. I just really needed to write something.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't think I am jinxing myself by verbalizing that good things are happening. I'm not waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm just soaking this stuff in. Yeah there are a few more circumstantial pieces that need attention. But I am not about to complain or be greedy. His grace and goodness and timing are quite sufficient for me. He will deal with the other things in His own time if he so chooses to bless me those ways.

Me not locking down during Christmas. That could be a novel concept.