So I thought I would reflect on my recent vacation. Seems like a good thing to do as I learn to bank what Jesus is doing in my life. Yeah this is a little serious but it is more for me than the readers anyway.
Vacation was amazing. It was just what I was needing. I love serving and doing all that is required of me, and I was starting to run low. Starting to be tired beyond just physically not getting enough sleep. That was all switched around this last week. I come back both refreshed and refueled. Ready to go.
Some highlights.
1. I got to leave on a really high note. The 10 year anniversary services were great and fun to be a part of. But beyond that, Jesus sent me out with a picture I hadn't had or connected before. The Everything Drama hit me in a new way that Saturday night and had me in tears over it for the first time. I finally put the connection together of watching Wheezy as Jesus holding back the demons as Amber got to rest and worship. Its the first time I connected it to the day I gave my life to Christ and what Jesus very clearly did for me. It was such a visceral part of my story. That snap in my mind when all the voices shut off in my own mind that were trying to tell me I had already done this and was just showing off. This connect left me weeping at the front of the room as I watched it. I got to put that one in my bank quickly and got to leave for vacation on that kind of note.
2. Getting to go on vacation with my boys was great. The 4 of us are about to all be roommates and it was a bit of a good gauge of what it will be like. And Excellent is on its way. I am even more so looking forward to it now. We got a lot of time to have real conversations, stupid conversations, dares, video games, great meals, and just good times with guys being the idiots we are. Couldn't have been better.
3. I have a new found love for Wheezy. I mean I loved DeWayne anyway, but it grew over this trip. He and I got to connect more than we ever had. We got to go down to the beach a few times just the 2 of us and just talk and have a good time. We had talked before but this was different. I don't know if I always looked at him as just my leader before. I don't think I did, but this felt very much like 2 friends really just getting to talk on all kinds of levels. I think it was somewhat indicative to me of my own growth. Starting to recognize that I am not a subordinate but finding equal ground and footing with people around me. Not in a cocky way but it feels in a very pure way of finally letting Jesus really be loud in my ear that I am not worthless or less than. And just getting to be real and friends and have good friend conversation with the guys out there was on a different level for me this week.
4. Lots of inside jokes return from the trip. Some of them a little dirty. Others hilarious. I wont get into them but I get a good laugh just thinking about some of them to myself.
5. I made the easiest $20 of my life thanks to Britt. No one has ever attempted to challenge the limits of what I am willing to do. Standing up and screaming "KAHN!!!" when the credits started rolling in the theatre during the new Star Trek movie was easy. I probably would have done it just on a dare. But $20 was a pretty sweet prize.
6. Movies we saw. First, I would like to say a resounding "I TOLD YOU SO" to Britt. There was no way Fast and Furious was gonna be good. And man it was not. Star Trek on the other hand was amazing. I loved the changes to the story line. I loved the characters. Abrams did a really good job and I am excited to see the next installments. And for those who don't already know, Yes, I am a closet Treky. You can blame my mom.
7. We got a lot of strange looks when we were out there. The "season" hadn't begun yet and I think all the purple hairs were a little upset we were in their space. (By purple hairs, I mean really old people. Think Tammy Faye on TBN and how her hair is so white it has started turning another color.) We still had a good time nonetheless. Didn't let it get to us. There were some really dumb situations from it and obvious people looking down on us, but no skin off our backs.
8. Liz Harrington has a nice car. The drives out and back were quite comfortable. I know they were long, but at least for me they didn't seem terrible.
There might be other things to point out, but I won't. I'll just say I return ready. Feeling good. Feeling re energized. Work sucks as always and when you have had a really good vacation, days at work feel like they take forever. But even that is okay. Jesus really wants to bless me right now and I feel in a much better place to receive and be ready for what He ask of me next. Great week over all. And I even still have 4 or 5 days of vacation time available at work. :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Dreaded Friend Zone
There is a phenomenon that all men and women at some point in time fall into whether by choice or not. Mainly not. It may be one of the more disconcerting occurrences. Once you are in the chances of getting out are few and far between.
That place is the dreaded "Friend Zone". It's like quicksand. Easy to miss and fall into. Nearly impossible to escape. Once you've entered in, the path to return to the outside world is quite narrow and paved with peril and emotional hurdles. The walls lined with what-ifs and barbed wire.
Granted I am making this worse than it really easy, but for the sake of interest, I'm gonna go for the extreme. Makes for a more interesting read right? Right.
If ever there was a king of the Friend Zone, his name be Jon Headley. Lord and master of all things in this realm. My domain is one of singleness, anonymity and comments most guys are not meant to hear. My subjects live a life of passionless hugs and sleepless nights wondering how they have gotten here with every girl in their life. What makes me the king? The crown reads "Gay friend, who isn’t really gay." "We will say things around you that would normally only be said in the presence of our girlfriends, but you are close enough so its okay."
Granted, I appreciate the fact that I am trusted. By no means am I upset that my friends know that they can come to me with stuff. I love you all and this isn’t at all about me dating you.
Friend Zone creates ambiguity and insecurity of sorts. If all the other girls in your life have put you there, the chances of the next person you are interested in putting you there grows higher and more looming in your own mind. The darkness of the friend zone begins to sweep around before you even have a chance. I know I do it to myself, but I don't know how I accomplish it.
I would call it the curse of being a nice guy. Even when I try to act like the aloof asshole, still I'm spotted for what I really am, the softhearted teddy bear. You know how long I've been called a teddy bear? Longer than even I can remember.
Am I a mama's boy? I guess in mindset. Love my mom. And disrespecting her or any woman is out of the question. But at the same time, I still am a man who had my dad around and knows how to do that too. I am even told I have this level of charm and smoothness that just turns on. I'm a guy my girlfriends call for technical advice and to help move large objects and all other things "manly." So my confusion remains. So what if I am good with color and can tell you if a particular shirt matches your skin tone. Most black men can do that. And don’t pull the sewing card either. My dad sews, as do many other manly men.
So what is it? I have a feeling it's a question I am not allowed to have the answer to. So I find myself interested in someone and gun-shy at the prospect of another friend. I like friends, nothing wrong with that. But to risk the ask and once again be told that we can be friends doesn’t sound much like an appealing option.
I mentioned that leaving the friend zone is treacherous. Some people make it out alive. In fact, I think it makes sense. If you were looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, wouldn't you want it to be someone that you trust like that and it’s not just a physical thing? True that foundation can grow in the dating process. But why not stand on the foundation to begin with. So there has to be a way out. I have seen it happen. But once you are there, the ambiguity makes it difficult to know if escape is possible. Sometimes it is and you will never know.
So you're probably wondering if there are people right now that have put me on the thrown of Friend Zone, who, if the choice were mine, I would not sit on? Sure. But is it worth the effort to try and decipher if I can find my way out? Probably not. I can’t think that hard right now. And girls reading this don’t start freaking out that it might be you that I want to leave the dark chasm with. That’s stupid. (Man I am good at talking in riddles.)
Girls, if you have been friend zoned by a guy that you are interested in beyond that, it can be either really difficult or really easy to get out. Sometimes, that zone is it. Sorry. Many guys, once a mind is made up, that’s that. Don't harp on the issue. If he says no in week 1, week 3 is probably gonna garner the same response. Leave it alone. You have put yourself out there. If he changes his mind now, it is now his responsibility to make the next move. Not yours to go "how about now... how about now..."
Other times, its not hard at all. Some guys will give it a shot. But know this. Once the zone is left after you have lived there for a while in a guys mind, it is do or die. Either you hit stride and it’s amazing, or it can often lead to a complete melt down where the friend zone is not even an option anymore. Not always, but there is a good chance and it’s for you to decide if he is worth the risk. If your friendship was already rock solid, the possibility for friendship even after a breakup is higher. It’s for you both to decide to not act crazy.
Guys, I don’t know how you go about escaping this zone. Like I said, I am master of the zone. I am not an escape artist. I guess it just requires us manning up and taking a stab at it. I suppose if I am gonna tell the girls that it is okay to take a stab; I should say the same thing to the guys. Here is something I have learned though. Don't spend your time trying to gauge their feelings first. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Scratch that. It will get you a one-way ticket to crazy town. Guys, we are not meant to ever understand the maze that is a woman's mind. If you want to do it, you are just gonna have to do it. Something that most women are is gracious. It is not gonna ruin the friendship if you take a stab at it a lot of times. Be honest and not creepy. If you are creepy and not acting like the person they have grown to love as a friend to begin with, you will just freak them out. Be cool. Say your piece and leave it. If it is no, fine. Let it be. Once again, no "how about now... how about now..." Crazy town.
But girls, I say to you the same thing I said to the guys just now. Once it is on the table, don't expect us to come back to it over and over. If the offer intrigues you later down the road, say so. Don't look for us to come back to it. Time for you to be straight with us. We were straight with you. Girls... If you have friend zoned someone and that feeling has changed, we wont know. Guys tend to work with the facts. The facts are that you have already said, let’s be friends. So regardless of whether that is what he wanted or not, that’s what he will go with unless prodded. And I don’t mean slight hints. Those don’t work. Not a gentle lead line but a cattle prod.
I could probably keep talking in circles. You are probably really confused after reading this. Ah, the joy of the rant. That's what this blog is for. :) So there it is.
So in conclusion... Friend Zone has its place. That's all some people need to be. Not every single one though. I guess I now get the joy of manning up. Do I risk adding another "friend" in hopes of something else? We will see.
That place is the dreaded "Friend Zone". It's like quicksand. Easy to miss and fall into. Nearly impossible to escape. Once you've entered in, the path to return to the outside world is quite narrow and paved with peril and emotional hurdles. The walls lined with what-ifs and barbed wire.
Granted I am making this worse than it really easy, but for the sake of interest, I'm gonna go for the extreme. Makes for a more interesting read right? Right.
If ever there was a king of the Friend Zone, his name be Jon Headley. Lord and master of all things in this realm. My domain is one of singleness, anonymity and comments most guys are not meant to hear. My subjects live a life of passionless hugs and sleepless nights wondering how they have gotten here with every girl in their life. What makes me the king? The crown reads "Gay friend, who isn’t really gay." "We will say things around you that would normally only be said in the presence of our girlfriends, but you are close enough so its okay."
Granted, I appreciate the fact that I am trusted. By no means am I upset that my friends know that they can come to me with stuff. I love you all and this isn’t at all about me dating you.
Friend Zone creates ambiguity and insecurity of sorts. If all the other girls in your life have put you there, the chances of the next person you are interested in putting you there grows higher and more looming in your own mind. The darkness of the friend zone begins to sweep around before you even have a chance. I know I do it to myself, but I don't know how I accomplish it.
I would call it the curse of being a nice guy. Even when I try to act like the aloof asshole, still I'm spotted for what I really am, the softhearted teddy bear. You know how long I've been called a teddy bear? Longer than even I can remember.
Am I a mama's boy? I guess in mindset. Love my mom. And disrespecting her or any woman is out of the question. But at the same time, I still am a man who had my dad around and knows how to do that too. I am even told I have this level of charm and smoothness that just turns on. I'm a guy my girlfriends call for technical advice and to help move large objects and all other things "manly." So my confusion remains. So what if I am good with color and can tell you if a particular shirt matches your skin tone. Most black men can do that. And don’t pull the sewing card either. My dad sews, as do many other manly men.
So what is it? I have a feeling it's a question I am not allowed to have the answer to. So I find myself interested in someone and gun-shy at the prospect of another friend. I like friends, nothing wrong with that. But to risk the ask and once again be told that we can be friends doesn’t sound much like an appealing option.
I mentioned that leaving the friend zone is treacherous. Some people make it out alive. In fact, I think it makes sense. If you were looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, wouldn't you want it to be someone that you trust like that and it’s not just a physical thing? True that foundation can grow in the dating process. But why not stand on the foundation to begin with. So there has to be a way out. I have seen it happen. But once you are there, the ambiguity makes it difficult to know if escape is possible. Sometimes it is and you will never know.
So you're probably wondering if there are people right now that have put me on the thrown of Friend Zone, who, if the choice were mine, I would not sit on? Sure. But is it worth the effort to try and decipher if I can find my way out? Probably not. I can’t think that hard right now. And girls reading this don’t start freaking out that it might be you that I want to leave the dark chasm with. That’s stupid. (Man I am good at talking in riddles.)
Girls, if you have been friend zoned by a guy that you are interested in beyond that, it can be either really difficult or really easy to get out. Sometimes, that zone is it. Sorry. Many guys, once a mind is made up, that’s that. Don't harp on the issue. If he says no in week 1, week 3 is probably gonna garner the same response. Leave it alone. You have put yourself out there. If he changes his mind now, it is now his responsibility to make the next move. Not yours to go "how about now... how about now..."
Other times, its not hard at all. Some guys will give it a shot. But know this. Once the zone is left after you have lived there for a while in a guys mind, it is do or die. Either you hit stride and it’s amazing, or it can often lead to a complete melt down where the friend zone is not even an option anymore. Not always, but there is a good chance and it’s for you to decide if he is worth the risk. If your friendship was already rock solid, the possibility for friendship even after a breakup is higher. It’s for you both to decide to not act crazy.
Guys, I don’t know how you go about escaping this zone. Like I said, I am master of the zone. I am not an escape artist. I guess it just requires us manning up and taking a stab at it. I suppose if I am gonna tell the girls that it is okay to take a stab; I should say the same thing to the guys. Here is something I have learned though. Don't spend your time trying to gauge their feelings first. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Scratch that. It will get you a one-way ticket to crazy town. Guys, we are not meant to ever understand the maze that is a woman's mind. If you want to do it, you are just gonna have to do it. Something that most women are is gracious. It is not gonna ruin the friendship if you take a stab at it a lot of times. Be honest and not creepy. If you are creepy and not acting like the person they have grown to love as a friend to begin with, you will just freak them out. Be cool. Say your piece and leave it. If it is no, fine. Let it be. Once again, no "how about now... how about now..." Crazy town.
But girls, I say to you the same thing I said to the guys just now. Once it is on the table, don't expect us to come back to it over and over. If the offer intrigues you later down the road, say so. Don't look for us to come back to it. Time for you to be straight with us. We were straight with you. Girls... If you have friend zoned someone and that feeling has changed, we wont know. Guys tend to work with the facts. The facts are that you have already said, let’s be friends. So regardless of whether that is what he wanted or not, that’s what he will go with unless prodded. And I don’t mean slight hints. Those don’t work. Not a gentle lead line but a cattle prod.
I could probably keep talking in circles. You are probably really confused after reading this. Ah, the joy of the rant. That's what this blog is for. :) So there it is.
So in conclusion... Friend Zone has its place. That's all some people need to be. Not every single one though. I guess I now get the joy of manning up. Do I risk adding another "friend" in hopes of something else? We will see.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Hello "Friend"
To all of my friends who do the following, this is not calling you out and telling you to stop. Just my personal opinion.
There is weird phenomena that I have over the last year seen and heard quite a bit. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me even though I have had it explained a few times now. All people do it, myself included periodically, but in different ways.
What is this I speak of? Calling everyone friend or bud or something along those lines. You have no idea how many times I will enter or leave a conversation and hear "Hi, friend." or "See ya later friend." I think it is just me, but it is unsettling to me. I don't know whether it feels impersonal or leading or what, but it doesn't sit well.
Now it turns out lots of people do this is some way. We skip out on using people's actual name in place of some other form of nomenclature. For instance, guys call each other Dude all the time. The word dude is some how endearing between guys most of the time. It's just our word. As soon as a guy switches over to calling another guy something like "pal", you know it is because they have no idea what their name is.
I myself am often guilty of this. Turns out that lots of people see me and know who I am and often will act like they are in my close circle of friends upon a second meeting. This is odd to me, especially since I suck with names. There are so many people at our church that I have to resort to "Hey there" more often than not. My apologies.
This whole word usage becomes even more complicated when between people of opposite sexes. Granted, I know I call a lot of girls "hon". I guess you could say it is my thing. And it turns out that I have friends that are girls, tell other girls that that is an indicator with me when we are close enough of friends. I will transition from your real name to hon if there is a level of comfort as friends between us. I don't think I do it consciously, just happens. If it bothers you, you can feel free to tell me.
But when my close female friends call me "friend" it clicks very abruptly in my head. There is something strange about it to me. I have actually asked a couple girls I know why they do it, and supposedly it is their term of endearment. It is supposed to let me know that we are close friends. Even though I have been informed of this, it still does the exact opposite in my head. It puts me in front of a wall that I guess doesn't exit from her side.
Now I have learned to walk around the wall as I am supposed to, but it definitely took getting used to.
Girls let me give you a heads up as well. And this is to no one specific, or anything like that. And this is also not to say that my intent is to date every girl I see. That is definitely not the case. But word to the wise ladies. If it does turn out that you like the guy past being a friend and you are hoping he starts getting the picture, calling him friend unravels all work you may have done. It may be endearing to you but it is a road block to him. We miss signals all the time from interested girls. The ones you think are blatant are not. But most guys, while oblivious to "make a move" signals, will read into "back off" signals, even if they don't exist. So be careful.
Guys same goes for you. If you call a girl dude, you have veritably shut her down. I don't know that for sure but it sounds like a good rule to go by. It all sounds to me, and granted I think too much, like when I hear "Hey, friend" I am really hearing "You know all we will ever be is friends, and maybe not even that good of friends cause I'm not sure what your name is." And in the same vein I would think as we say "Hey, dude" to a girl they might hear "hey your like one of the guys. just a bud that its very possible I wont care if I burp or fart in your presence." But by no means do I protest to believe I know what is going on in a woman's head. That is a maze more treacherous than that movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie.
But anyway, I digress. I am not telling people to stop what they are doing. I don't expect that. Just felt like a fun, silly little thing to write about today.
There is weird phenomena that I have over the last year seen and heard quite a bit. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me even though I have had it explained a few times now. All people do it, myself included periodically, but in different ways.
What is this I speak of? Calling everyone friend or bud or something along those lines. You have no idea how many times I will enter or leave a conversation and hear "Hi, friend." or "See ya later friend." I think it is just me, but it is unsettling to me. I don't know whether it feels impersonal or leading or what, but it doesn't sit well.
Now it turns out lots of people do this is some way. We skip out on using people's actual name in place of some other form of nomenclature. For instance, guys call each other Dude all the time. The word dude is some how endearing between guys most of the time. It's just our word. As soon as a guy switches over to calling another guy something like "pal", you know it is because they have no idea what their name is.
I myself am often guilty of this. Turns out that lots of people see me and know who I am and often will act like they are in my close circle of friends upon a second meeting. This is odd to me, especially since I suck with names. There are so many people at our church that I have to resort to "Hey there" more often than not. My apologies.
This whole word usage becomes even more complicated when between people of opposite sexes. Granted, I know I call a lot of girls "hon". I guess you could say it is my thing. And it turns out that I have friends that are girls, tell other girls that that is an indicator with me when we are close enough of friends. I will transition from your real name to hon if there is a level of comfort as friends between us. I don't think I do it consciously, just happens. If it bothers you, you can feel free to tell me.
But when my close female friends call me "friend" it clicks very abruptly in my head. There is something strange about it to me. I have actually asked a couple girls I know why they do it, and supposedly it is their term of endearment. It is supposed to let me know that we are close friends. Even though I have been informed of this, it still does the exact opposite in my head. It puts me in front of a wall that I guess doesn't exit from her side.
Now I have learned to walk around the wall as I am supposed to, but it definitely took getting used to.
Girls let me give you a heads up as well. And this is to no one specific, or anything like that. And this is also not to say that my intent is to date every girl I see. That is definitely not the case. But word to the wise ladies. If it does turn out that you like the guy past being a friend and you are hoping he starts getting the picture, calling him friend unravels all work you may have done. It may be endearing to you but it is a road block to him. We miss signals all the time from interested girls. The ones you think are blatant are not. But most guys, while oblivious to "make a move" signals, will read into "back off" signals, even if they don't exist. So be careful.
Guys same goes for you. If you call a girl dude, you have veritably shut her down. I don't know that for sure but it sounds like a good rule to go by. It all sounds to me, and granted I think too much, like when I hear "Hey, friend" I am really hearing "You know all we will ever be is friends, and maybe not even that good of friends cause I'm not sure what your name is." And in the same vein I would think as we say "Hey, dude" to a girl they might hear "hey your like one of the guys. just a bud that its very possible I wont care if I burp or fart in your presence." But by no means do I protest to believe I know what is going on in a woman's head. That is a maze more treacherous than that movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie.
But anyway, I digress. I am not telling people to stop what they are doing. I don't expect that. Just felt like a fun, silly little thing to write about today.
Monday, January 5, 2009
2008 Review 2009 Hope
Its been a long time since I have written anything. I think I want and need to get back to it as often as possible. Its soothing to me and helps me clear my head. No that is not a resolution. I dont waste my time making those cause I never stick to them and then I feel wishy washy for not sticking to them.
Anyway, 2008 was an interesting year. Very busy as many of you know from my absence a lot of times. Lots happened over the year. Both good and bad obviously. I think though that I as look back over the year as a whole, I will look at it fondly. High and lows but I think the highs overshadowed. Even some of the really low points were met with quick turnarounds and real grace and faithfulness.
This coming weekend marks 1 year that I first played with the music team at church. I've loved being a part of that. I have had ups and downs with it. Places where I have chosen me and my own stupid crap instead of really being faithful and true to what Jesus wanted of me, and that has been met with grace and a continued faith in me. I got to step even further into it and join the lead vocal team for the church and have just really been blessed with it.
And even more on music, got to play a few shows with my band, The Swift Retreat. Not a ton of them, but that is okay. We are content and happy to get to practice in our basement and love getting to play when we can. Not trying to force music to work anymore. Just really getting to enjoy it. If we get blessed to take it to a new level, awesome. If we dont, awesome.
2008 also saw me still single. That had slight ups and big downs and weird happenings and constant confusion. The year ended and this new one started with more of the same their. Maybe I spend too much time running scenarios in my head on that one. In fact, I know I do. Its still a hard one to completely surrender but I am trying. I still have a dream of walking down the street with a beautiful wife on my arm and my precious little girl or boy sitting on my shoulders. Its a hard one to let go of. Music was leaps and bounds easier to let go of and I have seen already the rewards of doing so. This one has been more difficult though, given my past. Which is not as far past as one might think. Easier to surrender a dream of your own free will than to have one ripped from you. But I am trying.
Doesnt help that confusion continues to surround it. And watching some close friends and family go through tough times right now also adds to the pain of it. I love my friends and family and its hard to watch them live where they are at the moment. I have hope for them, I really do. And as little as I have been around, doesnt change my love for them or the amount of prayers I throw up for them.
But I am going to skip to the end of this year. I dont want to go month by month on 2008. Lets get to what I remember. The season of Thanksgiving - New Years. This time of year has always been hard for me and my family. Bad things have had a habit of occuring aroundt this time of year. I am not going to list stuff. But in my 27 years, the list has grown long of bad Christmases.
I know for a fact that it got to the point that when Christmas came around each year, I would begin this walling process. I would go into guard mode to try and brace myself for the coming onslaught. In all hopes that as long as I was protected, it couldnt be too bad.
I dont remember doing this so much last year. But this year was definite. I felt it hardcore this year. I know I got really quiet, and reserved and hid away a little bit. Especially with my family. I couldn't handle the big to dos this year at all. Christmas basically sucked. Thanksgiving did too. For different reasons with each of them but they did. New years wasnt bad. Could have been better, but it wasnt bad. Maybe last year I didnt notice the pull back cause I was excited with anticipating the New Years party we had last year. I didnt have a distraction this year. So I locked up. I am just now trying to pull out of that and get back to my normal self. All together, this was a hard Christmas to go through alone. And I mean alone on more levels than just being single. I just found myself physically by myself a lot of the day and the season. Maybe by my own subconscious choice. I dont know.
Well now its 2009. I have no real resolutions. I have things I want to do that I am gonna try to stick to. I want to start working out again and start getting in shape. I want to do a better job of devoting myself to reading the bible and taking time with Jesus. I am piss poor at that and I know it has been refueling when I have done it. I need it.
There are things I am hopeful for though. Number 1 being new job. I have a couple opportunities that might be in the works. And there is the possibility of getting to start my business this year that I am still trying to look into and build up the nerve and resolve to do what it takes.
I am also hopeful for more music opportunities. Already this weekend we have one. We get to record a song with a guy that is pretty connected. He has done some various work and actually works with a big name in the Hip Hop scene. Not gonna spend time dropping names, but this could be fun. He is wanting to get into some more positively influenced music and try some rock production. So this could be a fun Friday. And God, a long time ago, gave me the gift of being able to dream big and still keep my feet on the ground. So this has been a fun one.
I am also hopeful that this will be the year that I will see the end to my financial troubles. Even if I file for bankruptcy, that would help get things over with. I am hoping I wont have to do that, but I am open to it should it be what needs to happen. But I think this is the year I start to see a turn around. Didnt think I would ever say that.
Anyway, I think I am gonna call it quits on this entry. Hopefully I will start back into this more often. So I dont have to do a big brain dump all at one time. This was short compared to what I could have made it.
Anyway, 2008 was an interesting year. Very busy as many of you know from my absence a lot of times. Lots happened over the year. Both good and bad obviously. I think though that I as look back over the year as a whole, I will look at it fondly. High and lows but I think the highs overshadowed. Even some of the really low points were met with quick turnarounds and real grace and faithfulness.
This coming weekend marks 1 year that I first played with the music team at church. I've loved being a part of that. I have had ups and downs with it. Places where I have chosen me and my own stupid crap instead of really being faithful and true to what Jesus wanted of me, and that has been met with grace and a continued faith in me. I got to step even further into it and join the lead vocal team for the church and have just really been blessed with it.
And even more on music, got to play a few shows with my band, The Swift Retreat. Not a ton of them, but that is okay. We are content and happy to get to practice in our basement and love getting to play when we can. Not trying to force music to work anymore. Just really getting to enjoy it. If we get blessed to take it to a new level, awesome. If we dont, awesome.
2008 also saw me still single. That had slight ups and big downs and weird happenings and constant confusion. The year ended and this new one started with more of the same their. Maybe I spend too much time running scenarios in my head on that one. In fact, I know I do. Its still a hard one to completely surrender but I am trying. I still have a dream of walking down the street with a beautiful wife on my arm and my precious little girl or boy sitting on my shoulders. Its a hard one to let go of. Music was leaps and bounds easier to let go of and I have seen already the rewards of doing so. This one has been more difficult though, given my past. Which is not as far past as one might think. Easier to surrender a dream of your own free will than to have one ripped from you. But I am trying.
Doesnt help that confusion continues to surround it. And watching some close friends and family go through tough times right now also adds to the pain of it. I love my friends and family and its hard to watch them live where they are at the moment. I have hope for them, I really do. And as little as I have been around, doesnt change my love for them or the amount of prayers I throw up for them.
But I am going to skip to the end of this year. I dont want to go month by month on 2008. Lets get to what I remember. The season of Thanksgiving - New Years. This time of year has always been hard for me and my family. Bad things have had a habit of occuring aroundt this time of year. I am not going to list stuff. But in my 27 years, the list has grown long of bad Christmases.
I know for a fact that it got to the point that when Christmas came around each year, I would begin this walling process. I would go into guard mode to try and brace myself for the coming onslaught. In all hopes that as long as I was protected, it couldnt be too bad.
I dont remember doing this so much last year. But this year was definite. I felt it hardcore this year. I know I got really quiet, and reserved and hid away a little bit. Especially with my family. I couldn't handle the big to dos this year at all. Christmas basically sucked. Thanksgiving did too. For different reasons with each of them but they did. New years wasnt bad. Could have been better, but it wasnt bad. Maybe last year I didnt notice the pull back cause I was excited with anticipating the New Years party we had last year. I didnt have a distraction this year. So I locked up. I am just now trying to pull out of that and get back to my normal self. All together, this was a hard Christmas to go through alone. And I mean alone on more levels than just being single. I just found myself physically by myself a lot of the day and the season. Maybe by my own subconscious choice. I dont know.
Well now its 2009. I have no real resolutions. I have things I want to do that I am gonna try to stick to. I want to start working out again and start getting in shape. I want to do a better job of devoting myself to reading the bible and taking time with Jesus. I am piss poor at that and I know it has been refueling when I have done it. I need it.
There are things I am hopeful for though. Number 1 being new job. I have a couple opportunities that might be in the works. And there is the possibility of getting to start my business this year that I am still trying to look into and build up the nerve and resolve to do what it takes.
I am also hopeful for more music opportunities. Already this weekend we have one. We get to record a song with a guy that is pretty connected. He has done some various work and actually works with a big name in the Hip Hop scene. Not gonna spend time dropping names, but this could be fun. He is wanting to get into some more positively influenced music and try some rock production. So this could be a fun Friday. And God, a long time ago, gave me the gift of being able to dream big and still keep my feet on the ground. So this has been a fun one.
I am also hopeful that this will be the year that I will see the end to my financial troubles. Even if I file for bankruptcy, that would help get things over with. I am hoping I wont have to do that, but I am open to it should it be what needs to happen. But I think this is the year I start to see a turn around. Didnt think I would ever say that.
Anyway, I think I am gonna call it quits on this entry. Hopefully I will start back into this more often. So I dont have to do a big brain dump all at one time. This was short compared to what I could have made it.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Lots To Talk About
So as some of you might remember, I had a pretty serious blog as my last entry. It was something that really marked who I was and really always sat heavy with me. I never knew it was quite that heavy until recently. Well this isnt a rebuttal or an "I'm still pissed and you are going to hear about it." type of blog. This is a continuation in the process and where I find myself now. It also has some other pretty cool pieces I am going to talk about.
But the main point is this. Jesus loves my enigmaticism. (I realize that isnt a word.) Jesus made me that way and he made me more than that. Right after I wrote that blog, He proceeded to spend the rest of the week telling me pretty vividly what he actually thought of me.
But this blog is going to stop short of my initial comments. I started writing this, had to save a draft and come back to it, and since then something more pressing has come up to talk about.
Some of you may have in the past heard me talk about my Uncle Trevor and his daughter (my cousin) Nivea. You may have heard me tell the story about her playing "Oopsie Daisy" with Alex's hamster. Or the day she rechipped my tooth with a marble and a long piece of pvc pipe.
Well despite my fun poking sometimes annoyed stories about my cousin, I loved her. She was family. And when my wife left she was ridiculously pissed off for me. Didn't express it in the greatest of ways to me in the midst of it, but I know she was hurt for me.
The last time I saw Nivea was January 07 at my Grandmothers funeral, which was also about a month after the initial break with my ex and I. It was a pretty good visit for the most part. After the funeral she came out to the bars with us and hung out and all that.
Nivea had a troubled time growing up in Atlanta and all that. Her mom passed a couple years ago, my Uncle lived here and she kind of took care of herself.
Well I found out this morning that she passed away early this morning. She was 25! I am not even sure what to think at the moment. I mean I am sad, but I didnt know her super well so I dont know how to quite put all this together.
Oh and it gets more complicated. Nivea on Friday gave birth to a baby. I dont even know if it was a boy or a girl. The father is not on the birth certifcate and is like a 19 year old kid who couldnt take care of a baby anyway. Where does this leave my new little cousin? In the hands of my Uncle who is the grandfather and only next of kin? Or in the hands of the foster system? Will the dad man up and ask for a paternity test and want to take custody? No idea.
I am not exactly sure what the cause of her death was. The doctors are doing an autopsy today I believe. They sent her home Sunday after they saw some complications after the birth, but said she was okay to go home, then this morning I get in to work and there is a phone call from my mom that she died. I dont even know.
Anyway, if you are a praying person reading this, please pray hard for my Uncle and my Mom. They are right now getting on the road from here to head to Atlanta. They are both really shook up. My mom was a mentor to Nivea. She was one of the first people Nivea would call when she needed to talk. And pray for my new little cousin. He or she is basically without a mother or father and is barely 3 days old.
That is all.
But the main point is this. Jesus loves my enigmaticism. (I realize that isnt a word.) Jesus made me that way and he made me more than that. Right after I wrote that blog, He proceeded to spend the rest of the week telling me pretty vividly what he actually thought of me.
But this blog is going to stop short of my initial comments. I started writing this, had to save a draft and come back to it, and since then something more pressing has come up to talk about.
Some of you may have in the past heard me talk about my Uncle Trevor and his daughter (my cousin) Nivea. You may have heard me tell the story about her playing "Oopsie Daisy" with Alex's hamster. Or the day she rechipped my tooth with a marble and a long piece of pvc pipe.
Well despite my fun poking sometimes annoyed stories about my cousin, I loved her. She was family. And when my wife left she was ridiculously pissed off for me. Didn't express it in the greatest of ways to me in the midst of it, but I know she was hurt for me.
The last time I saw Nivea was January 07 at my Grandmothers funeral, which was also about a month after the initial break with my ex and I. It was a pretty good visit for the most part. After the funeral she came out to the bars with us and hung out and all that.
Nivea had a troubled time growing up in Atlanta and all that. Her mom passed a couple years ago, my Uncle lived here and she kind of took care of herself.
Well I found out this morning that she passed away early this morning. She was 25! I am not even sure what to think at the moment. I mean I am sad, but I didnt know her super well so I dont know how to quite put all this together.
Oh and it gets more complicated. Nivea on Friday gave birth to a baby. I dont even know if it was a boy or a girl. The father is not on the birth certifcate and is like a 19 year old kid who couldnt take care of a baby anyway. Where does this leave my new little cousin? In the hands of my Uncle who is the grandfather and only next of kin? Or in the hands of the foster system? Will the dad man up and ask for a paternity test and want to take custody? No idea.
I am not exactly sure what the cause of her death was. The doctors are doing an autopsy today I believe. They sent her home Sunday after they saw some complications after the birth, but said she was okay to go home, then this morning I get in to work and there is a phone call from my mom that she died. I dont even know.
Anyway, if you are a praying person reading this, please pray hard for my Uncle and my Mom. They are right now getting on the road from here to head to Atlanta. They are both really shook up. My mom was a mentor to Nivea. She was one of the first people Nivea would call when she needed to talk. And pray for my new little cousin. He or she is basically without a mother or father and is barely 3 days old.
That is all.
Monday, August 18, 2008
MC Enigmatic
This is very much a day where I need to clear my head. Which means I need to write. I need to get this stuff on paper (or screen as it were) and out of my head a little bit. Doesn't mean it makes me stop thinking about them, but it helps me think more clearly I think and make more sense of things.
This one is an interesting topic. This is not a rant on some random topic. This is about me.
There was a word spoken over me a long time ago that I never thought about or took to heart. Today that stupid little thing hit me. It was caused by some stuff from Leadership Summit a couple weeks ago, and today is something I need to write about.
Back in college I was given the name MC Enigmatic as part of a stupid joke rap crew I was in with my friends Brandon Spencer, Matt Swaim, and John Flannery. (None of whom talk to me anymore for some reason. They got too good for me or something. Who knows?) The name had no real meaning. We were just trying to come up with stuff and threw that out there and figured the word sounded good.
Well I guess now that word has meaning in my life. I am just as it says. An enigma.
e·nig·ma (
-ng
m
)
This one is an interesting topic. This is not a rant on some random topic. This is about me.
There was a word spoken over me a long time ago that I never thought about or took to heart. Today that stupid little thing hit me. It was caused by some stuff from Leadership Summit a couple weeks ago, and today is something I need to write about.
Back in college I was given the name MC Enigmatic as part of a stupid joke rap crew I was in with my friends Brandon Spencer, Matt Swaim, and John Flannery. (None of whom talk to me anymore for some reason. They got too good for me or something. Who knows?) The name had no real meaning. We were just trying to come up with stuff and threw that out there and figured the word sounded good.
Well I guess now that word has meaning in my life. I am just as it says. An enigma.
e·nig·ma (
-ngm)n.
1. One that is puzzling, ambiguous, or inexplicable.
2. A perplexing speech or text; a riddle.
I am this odd unexplainable middle ground that none of my friends or the people around me, or even much of my family understand. I walk this line of ambiguity that has always haunted me but I could never fully see. I have grown up this black guy who isnt "black enough" but still not a white guy. Shunned and ridiculed by a lot of my black peers through middle school and high school and even now because I dont "act like them". And made fun of by so many of my so called friends for being too white. And yet still I dont really fit in there either do I? This is not so much a complaint, but the way it has always been. This is how I have gone around.
Now lets be real racist for a minute. Here is why I dont fit in with these "black and white" cultures. I dont listen to hip hop or r&b as a staple of musical genius. I dont speak ebonics except by choice when I am being retarded. I dont have a bunch of little children running through the streets being idiots. I dont feel I deserve reparations or handouts. I dont disrespect women. I did well in school and chose to try to make a way for myself and not live off of welfare or pity.
And on the other side, I dont have blond hair and blue eyes. I wasnt handed life on a silver platter by daddy who gave me a lexus for graduation. I cant walk through a nice high class neighborhood without being looked at funny. I got some extra scholarship to school because I was black. I was sought after for pictures at Asbury because I made the school diverse. My original date ask to my senior prom had to tell me her parents said she couldn't go with any black people. And then they apologized profusely when they found out it was me and then still we didnt get to go together. I hate mayonnaise and you wont see me jogging around town all willy nilly for fun.
Most of the world wants to put everything into these nice separated black and white boxes. I stand here as this middle grey color that neither side has ever fully been able to accept. In the black community I am glared at, made fun of and shunned. In the white community, I am still frightening and compartmentalized, and assumed about. Middle grey in the photography world is what a photographer wants to base their spectrum on. Its what they set their camera tones to. It is their staple. In life it is an outcast set aside for when needed.
Now many of you at this point are either pitying me or thinking that this is really melodramatic. You can make whatever choice you want on how you are going to view this. But the fact is that this is really how I felt most of my life. This is how I spent so long viewing the world. This is where I have to lay down myself a lot of times to surrender myself to what Jesus is asking me to do. This is where I find contention in my everyday life. I want my friends and family to understand something very important though. I love you all and I know you love me. This isnt to convict you or make you change how you act with me or anything like that. This is so that maybe you will understand me a little more fully.
I used to have this recurring dream. It happened pretty frequently as a child and through college. It kind of stopped for a while when I got married and came back pretty strong for several months after my divorce. I havent had it in about a year, but Sue reminded me of it the other day when I was processing this stuff. It was of this giant ball chasing me. I could never get out of its path. And I could never see anything but it behind me. All I could do was run. This ball was always this speckled black and white mass. Envision if a giant stone looked like the fuzz that you get on a tv screen when you arent getting a signal. Sound like a dumb dream right. Well it always scared the hell out of me. I knew before I even fell asleep when that was going to be my night. As soon as I would lay down and close my eyes I would see the ball. I would open my eyes and try to think about something else, and never could.
So psychiatry would suggest that that recurring dream is a part of that struggle in me. And as I have been thinking about it, it was definitely always at very hard spots in my life that it was the most outspoken. For instance, your white wife leaves you for some punk kid with blue hair who is "getting her back to her punk rock roots" its pretty easy to make the leap to "if I was white" whether it be the case or not. Or this relationship didnt work out regardless of what you said or did, or this job wasnt gotten, or this position was over looked or this is why you are here or this is why you were asked to do this or anything like that. It is very easy for insecurity to come in.
And even the most well intentioned, innocent people making assumptions about who you are cause of your skin color annoys the hell out of me. I dont own any hip hop. AT ALL!! I listen to pop rock and metal. I dont in fact know ever black person on the planet. So dont assume I know who you are talking about just cause his name is Darrell. (Whitney I hope you just got that joke.) I do not own FUBU and I hate puffy vest. Leave the assumptions at home if you want to start a conversation with me. You may find yourself called out and looking foolish cause I am getting a bit tired of it.
Now I will be the first one to say that I make a lot of black jokes. Or joke around that I am going to steal your TV. But come one people, know the difference between what is a joke and what is real. I know when someone is being serious and when they are just being silly. I am not naive or dumb. If the joking around with my close friends needs to stop completely so you can see the lines tell me.
So what do I do with all of this now? Thats the question I have been asking Jesus for the past week and a half. My answer... I dont know. Do I own my middle grey status and play mediator between sides? Do I educate so people don't look stupid around each other? Do I let it slide off my back and just let stereotype and assumption win the day? I dont have any answers at the moment. I will gladly take advice. And be relationally intelligent when you are replying if you choose to do so. This is a serious topic, and making dumb jokes is really not the way to go with me on this right now. I'll just be straight up about that.
I am this odd unexplainable middle ground that none of my friends or the people around me, or even much of my family understand. I walk this line of ambiguity that has always haunted me but I could never fully see. I have grown up this black guy who isnt "black enough" but still not a white guy. Shunned and ridiculed by a lot of my black peers through middle school and high school and even now because I dont "act like them". And made fun of by so many of my so called friends for being too white. And yet still I dont really fit in there either do I? This is not so much a complaint, but the way it has always been. This is how I have gone around.
Now lets be real racist for a minute. Here is why I dont fit in with these "black and white" cultures. I dont listen to hip hop or r&b as a staple of musical genius. I dont speak ebonics except by choice when I am being retarded. I dont have a bunch of little children running through the streets being idiots. I dont feel I deserve reparations or handouts. I dont disrespect women. I did well in school and chose to try to make a way for myself and not live off of welfare or pity.
And on the other side, I dont have blond hair and blue eyes. I wasnt handed life on a silver platter by daddy who gave me a lexus for graduation. I cant walk through a nice high class neighborhood without being looked at funny. I got some extra scholarship to school because I was black. I was sought after for pictures at Asbury because I made the school diverse. My original date ask to my senior prom had to tell me her parents said she couldn't go with any black people. And then they apologized profusely when they found out it was me and then still we didnt get to go together. I hate mayonnaise and you wont see me jogging around town all willy nilly for fun.
Most of the world wants to put everything into these nice separated black and white boxes. I stand here as this middle grey color that neither side has ever fully been able to accept. In the black community I am glared at, made fun of and shunned. In the white community, I am still frightening and compartmentalized, and assumed about. Middle grey in the photography world is what a photographer wants to base their spectrum on. Its what they set their camera tones to. It is their staple. In life it is an outcast set aside for when needed.
Now many of you at this point are either pitying me or thinking that this is really melodramatic. You can make whatever choice you want on how you are going to view this. But the fact is that this is really how I felt most of my life. This is how I spent so long viewing the world. This is where I have to lay down myself a lot of times to surrender myself to what Jesus is asking me to do. This is where I find contention in my everyday life. I want my friends and family to understand something very important though. I love you all and I know you love me. This isnt to convict you or make you change how you act with me or anything like that. This is so that maybe you will understand me a little more fully.
I used to have this recurring dream. It happened pretty frequently as a child and through college. It kind of stopped for a while when I got married and came back pretty strong for several months after my divorce. I havent had it in about a year, but Sue reminded me of it the other day when I was processing this stuff. It was of this giant ball chasing me. I could never get out of its path. And I could never see anything but it behind me. All I could do was run. This ball was always this speckled black and white mass. Envision if a giant stone looked like the fuzz that you get on a tv screen when you arent getting a signal. Sound like a dumb dream right. Well it always scared the hell out of me. I knew before I even fell asleep when that was going to be my night. As soon as I would lay down and close my eyes I would see the ball. I would open my eyes and try to think about something else, and never could.
So psychiatry would suggest that that recurring dream is a part of that struggle in me. And as I have been thinking about it, it was definitely always at very hard spots in my life that it was the most outspoken. For instance, your white wife leaves you for some punk kid with blue hair who is "getting her back to her punk rock roots" its pretty easy to make the leap to "if I was white" whether it be the case or not. Or this relationship didnt work out regardless of what you said or did, or this job wasnt gotten, or this position was over looked or this is why you are here or this is why you were asked to do this or anything like that. It is very easy for insecurity to come in.
And even the most well intentioned, innocent people making assumptions about who you are cause of your skin color annoys the hell out of me. I dont own any hip hop. AT ALL!! I listen to pop rock and metal. I dont in fact know ever black person on the planet. So dont assume I know who you are talking about just cause his name is Darrell. (Whitney I hope you just got that joke.) I do not own FUBU and I hate puffy vest. Leave the assumptions at home if you want to start a conversation with me. You may find yourself called out and looking foolish cause I am getting a bit tired of it.
Now I will be the first one to say that I make a lot of black jokes. Or joke around that I am going to steal your TV. But come one people, know the difference between what is a joke and what is real. I know when someone is being serious and when they are just being silly. I am not naive or dumb. If the joking around with my close friends needs to stop completely so you can see the lines tell me.
So what do I do with all of this now? Thats the question I have been asking Jesus for the past week and a half. My answer... I dont know. Do I own my middle grey status and play mediator between sides? Do I educate so people don't look stupid around each other? Do I let it slide off my back and just let stereotype and assumption win the day? I dont have any answers at the moment. I will gladly take advice. And be relationally intelligent when you are replying if you choose to do so. This is a serious topic, and making dumb jokes is really not the way to go with me on this right now. I'll just be straight up about that.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Selfishness
So it has been a while since I have blogged anything at all. Its been a really busy several weeks. And I am kind of excited that I get a vacation. Scratch that... I am super excited. I get to go to Barbados for 2 weeks. Meet family I haven't met... hang on the beach... get as black as night from the sun.
But that isnt the point of this blog. The point is this. My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I will be turning 27 on June 6th. Now slight problem. I really enjoy spending my birthdays with my friends. But I will not be here. I dont get back until the 8th. Thats sad. And still that isnt the point.
The point is I am gonna be a bit selfish for a minute. People always seem to have a problem with picking gifts for me. I dont say this because I have gotten crappy gifts in the past. I say this because I am often told that I am difficult to shop for. So the point of this here blog is to give people a helping hand should you make the decision to get me something.
List in in order no particular order. Well minus #1 which is the actual top of the list of things I want.
#1 Money for or Gift Certificate for Tattoos. (preferably to Charmed Life, but am flexible.)
#2 Gift cards to any of the following stores
- Best Buy, Gamestop, Old Navy, Garden Ridge, Target, or any other stores that fall into those line.
#3 Gift cards to any of the following restaurants
- PF Changs, Malones, Qdoba, Puccinis. Anything good really.
#4 Anything Gadgety you think I would be in to.
#5 Ummm. Really I am pretty easy. The first one is the big thing I want. Well and an Xbox 360. But anyway. Thats all.
But that isnt the point of this blog. The point is this. My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I will be turning 27 on June 6th. Now slight problem. I really enjoy spending my birthdays with my friends. But I will not be here. I dont get back until the 8th. Thats sad. And still that isnt the point.
The point is I am gonna be a bit selfish for a minute. People always seem to have a problem with picking gifts for me. I dont say this because I have gotten crappy gifts in the past. I say this because I am often told that I am difficult to shop for. So the point of this here blog is to give people a helping hand should you make the decision to get me something.
List in in order no particular order. Well minus #1 which is the actual top of the list of things I want.
#1 Money for or Gift Certificate for Tattoos. (preferably to Charmed Life, but am flexible.)
#2 Gift cards to any of the following stores
- Best Buy, Gamestop, Old Navy, Garden Ridge, Target, or any other stores that fall into those line.
#3 Gift cards to any of the following restaurants
- PF Changs, Malones, Qdoba, Puccinis. Anything good really.
#4 Anything Gadgety you think I would be in to.
#5 Ummm. Really I am pretty easy. The first one is the big thing I want. Well and an Xbox 360. But anyway. Thats all.
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